Heart of Glass

Tears of anguish and relief poured down her cheeks as she slumped dizzy and exhausted beside the cistern. She stared at the little white and blue stick that held her future. The timing couldn't have been worse, why couldn't she have worked it out earlier? That way, maybe she could've kept him, instead of being sat, crying on her bathroom floor in her pyjamas when she should have been at work. His baby? Now? Jac couldn't stomach the thought. She went over the maths in her head for the millionth time but there was no doubting it, Joseph was the father, he had to be. It had only been two months since he'd left and there'd been no-one else since

She remembered his departure with excruciating clarity; she'd been practising the elephant graft that she'd helped his father perfect, years earlier when he'd made his announcement. She remembered kissing him, crying and pleading with him not to leave. She could still feel the tears, the hurt, the anger and the passion and tenderness as he took her in his arms for the final time. She lost her heart to him in that very moment, as they lay together in a messy tangle of limbs, both wishing this moment would never end. "I love you." she whispered "Please don't leave me." But it was useless, his mind was made up, his bags were packed, he was going. She felt torn; she could leave with him and his son and make a new life for herself as Harry's stepmother, but she didn't know if she had it in her to be that strong. Her life in Holby was everything to her. She had worked so hard for it and it was everything that made her the woman she was today, she couldn't just give it all up at the drop of a hat. Yet as she watched his car leave the car park she knew she'd made a mistake. It should have been her in the passenger seat beside the man she loved and it was all she could do, not to run down the stairs after him. That was two months ago now and yet it felt like only yesterday to Jac. She'd wanted more than anything to forget everything that happened that day. It hurt far too much to remember.

Not wanting to face the idea of a Holby without Joseph, she'd called in sick for the first three days after his departure, instead spending her time sat in her darkened flat staring at her phone, desperately willing Joseph's number to flash up on the caller ID. It didn't. When she eventually returned to work, she discovered she'd been replaced by some model look-a-like with an ego to rival the size of her own. She was depressed, exhausted and sick of feeling as though she had nothing left to give. The thought that she could be pregnant didn't even cross her mind, until she was forced to rush from theatre, so she could throw up whatever she'd eaten so far that day. The doctor inside of her knew exactly what was happening to her body, but the broken woman she was at that moment just kept pushing the thought to the back of her mind.

It wasn't until people started to question her actions that she forced herself to take a test on her day off. Not that there was any chance she could be pregnant, she was always careful, even with Joseph, even that time when she let him think that she was pregnant there was no way she could have been. He might've drunk his way to the bottom of the bottle that night, but he had only found her there because she'd been waiting for him, not because she'd helped him get there by drinking too. She'd known exactly what she was doing then and yet she had no idea now. It wasn't that she didn't want this; it was that she couldn't do it, not after what happened with her mother, she wouldn't ever inflict that on anyone. Questions she didn't want to answer were flooding her brain. What was she going to do? Should she tell Joseph? Should she keep it? Should she keep quiet and let it go? What would Joseph do? Would he come back to her? Would he even care?

Suddenly, the blaring of her house phone tore its way through the fog of her spinning head. Her heart skipped a beat and something in her belly tickled, could it be Joseph? Desperately, she heaved herself to her feet, still holding the test and scrambled for the phone to check the caller ID. It was Sascha. She reprimanded herself for being so stupid; Joseph hadn't called since the night he left. He didn't care then, so why would he be calling her now? Reluctantly, she accepted the call.

"Jac Naylor," she muttered.

"Morning, partner" chuckled Sascha, oblivious as usual "Sorry to disturb you on your day off, but-um there's been a development on one of your patients Mrs Crewe. Miss Shah and Mr Douglas have had to rush her into theatre. I thought you should know."

"What my RTA patient from a few days ago? What happened?" She quizzed, trying to snap back into her ruthless work mode.

"The rib that was cracked, has fractured and has perforated her left lung pretty severely, they might not be able to save it. She was trying to get out of bed. You did expressly tell her not to move didn't you?" He asked lowering his voice- he was clearly on the ward. Jac's memory was fuzzy, she remembered debriefing Mrs Crewe and becoming overwhelmed with nausea and having to leave in a rush before she vomited on the ward. There was every chance that she could have forgotten.

"Jac?" asked Sascha "Are you still there? You did tell her didn't you?"

Her breath shook as she tried to collect her thoughts, "Yes, yes I'm still here, I just-"

"Please tell me you did," begged Sascha "Hansen is sniffing around, he's breathing down my neck to be frank."

"Of course I did Sascha," She snapped, "I would never be that irresponsible." She tried to speak with conviction, but her voice gave her away.

"Jac? What's wrong? This isn't like you. Are you ok?" he gasped "You haven't been yourself recently what's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm fine" She snapped as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"No Jac, you're not, you made an elementary mistake, what's happened? You can tell me you know." Sascha urged

Jac exhaled noisily, which sounded alarmingly like a sob- she trusted Sascha he was a friend but how would he possibly be able to help?

"Jac?" asked Sascha, the concern rising in his voice.

She took another shaky breath, "I'm pregnant. It's Joseph's. Sascha, I still love him. I don't know what to do. I can't break up his new life with Harry, but I can't be a mother on my own." She heard him gasp audibly.

"Well I didn't see that one coming!" he attempted to chuckle once he'd gathered himself together. "I'm on a break in 10 minutes, meet me at the hospital café." He instructed.

Sascha was already sat at the table with two cups of coffee by the time Jac arrived. He was shocked to see the state she was in. Jac Naylor was stood before him, for once not looking indignant and angry, but broken and exhausted. She was wearing no make up and her hair which was usually scraped meticulously back in to a severe ponytail, was slightly greasy and falling out of the tie she'd pulled it back with. The Holby tracksuit she was wearing was several sizes too big for her and hung off her lanky frame. (Sascha wondered if it had originally belonged to Joseph and whether she had consciously chosen it or not). He pulled her into a bear hug; half expecting her to struggle as she usually did but was quite taken aback when she collapsed gratefully into his arms." So, what are you going to do?" he quizzed gently.

She tugged anxiously at her ponytail, "Christ Sash, I don't know. Deep down I always wished I could give Joseph, the child he dreamed of, but he's got Harry now, he doesn't want me or another child, not right now. I mean he's just built this whole new life for himself, I can't mess that up."

"Well are you going to terminate it?" he asked.

"I don't know, I don't think I can be a mum, I mean I have no idea what to do- my own mother didn't really leave me with much of an example to follow. Yet I don't think I can get rid of this thing," She gestured towards her still flat stomach "it's not just mine, it's Joseph's and I may never get the chance again. I know what abortions can do to women in the future." She turned to face him "Ugh this is all so messed up- what would you do?"

Sascha shrugged, "You're asking the wrong person Naylor, the birth of my own son didn't exactly work out amazingly either- I expected I'd at least be in a relationship with his mother, not still trying and failing to win her over." He laughed.

"Yes but when you found out Chrissie was pregnant with Daniel and he was yours, what did you want her to do?" Jac demanded.

"It had nothing to do with what I wanted at all," he explained "It was down to Chrissie, what she wanted and what was best for the child. She desperately wanted the baby, so that was a no-brainer. All I had to do was decide if I could be a part in this kids life or not." Jac heaved yet another sigh and ran her fingers through her hair, on the brink of a fresh wave of tears. "If it's any consolation Miss Naylor," continued Sascha, taking her hand to comfort her, "I know and have been witness to the fact that when you set your mind to something, you make it happen. Frankly, I know it's none of my business, but if you wanted to be, you could be a fantastic parent. With or without Joseph- although I do think he has a right to know. You should call him."

Some hours later, Jac let herself back into her darkened flat feeling somewhat stronger than before. Absently she wandered into her bedroom and stared into the far corner trying to imagine sight of some sort of cot or other baby paraphernalia there, just as she'd tried to just after Harry was born and there was chance that she and Joseph might just stay together. The only difference now was that this time it was a lot easier to picture and she didn't know why. Back then she had even contemplated buying a cot for Harry, but now she guessed she didn't really have another choice because, the little "Naylor" growing inside of her was certainly going to need one. "Difficult" was going to be an understatement when it came to this baby, but there was a time when no-one believed she could become a doctor but she proved them wrong then just as she would do the same now.

The only thing left to do now was to call Joseph. Jac went to her bedside table and fumbled around for the number he had slipped into her back pocket the day he left. Slowly she dialled the number, her hands shaking, it was now or never. "Hello Penrith Surgery?" a cool female voice answered. "Shit" Jac thought, "He didn't tell me it was the surgery number." Her throat constricted as all the words that she had so carefully prepared inside her head, melted away into oblivion. "Hello?" the voice called. Jac slammed down the phone in exasperation and cried into her pillow.

Three months later…

The jelly felt was unusually cold on her stomach; Jac tried not to squirm and cringed at the thought of her as a cliché. "Well now Miss Naylor, there is your baby" grinned Sascha in his best annoying TV doctor voice, "Would you like to know the gender?"

"Go on then" Jac smiled thinly.

"Sure?"

"I said yes Dr Levy, now get on with it, you know I'm not big on surprises" the irritation was rising slightly in her voice.

"Alright, alright… Miss Naylor, meet your daughter" his smile broadened as his friends face lit up in a mixture of terror, and glee. She moved her lips to say something but the words never came. She had always scorned women who wept over the first few scans of their children, but if she wasn't careful she was going to end up just like them. The fuzzy black picture on the screen of her daughter made everything so much more real and scary. She was thrilled but terrified, these past few weeks Sascha had been her rock, covering for her when she was feeling queasy and keeping the news quiet until she was ready to tell, but Sascha had his own son to care for and she couldn't expect him to look out for her forever. She needed someone to be there for her and her baby, someone who knew her properly. It was time to tell Joseph.

This time she dialled his mobile number. He picked it up on the first ring. "Hello, Joseph Byrne?" he said casually.

Jac caught a breath as she fought to keep the tidal wave of emotions that the sound of his voice had triggered, at bay. "Hello, can you hear me?" Joseph sounded impatient.

"Joseph, its Jac." Was all she could say. There was a long pause at the other end of the line, Jac could hear a child gurgling in the background.

"Gosh Jac, it's been ages, how's things back home at Holby?" He spluttered, evidently caught off guard.

"Well I'd be lying if I said they were great," she said awkwardly. "How's Harry getting on, keeping you awake I suppose?" she asked, trying far too hard to sound casual.

"He's great, he's getting big now, you should-" Joseph's voice trailed off into a heavy silence.

"Listen Joe, I've got something I need to talk to you about. It's really urgent, I tell you, but I don't want to tell you over the phone. I don't suppose we could meet up soon- could we? I really, really need to see you, I-" she said her voice breaking with emotion as she uttered the last sentence, with an ounce of relief.

"Of course," Joseph replied happiness seeping into his voice, which was quickly replaced with a tone of concern, "Jac, are you ok? What's wrong?"

"I'll be ok, don't worry, but I need to see you in person, I've m- missed you" she choked.

"I'm free this weekend, if you like I could come down and you could meet me at the Station. I'd have to get back to Harry by the evening though," he added, "Is that ok?"

"Bring Harry with you," Jac suggested- surprising herself as much as she surprised Joseph, "You can both stay at my flat for the night, save you driving back at night, unless that's too much?"

"No, no it's not too much at all, I'd love to come and so would Harry"

"Great"

"Jac?" his voice was almost a whisper.

"Yes"

"I'm sorry it's been so long, I-" he faltered not quite able to say what he meant. "I'm really looking forward to this."

"Yeah me too" Jac breathed, feeling almost euphoric "Bye Joseph"

Days later…

Jac was anxious; she didn't really have guests to stay, ever- not even Joseph. When she was going out with him, she'd spent most of the time sleeping at his place. She'd set up a sofa bed for him and Harry in her study, but in her heart of hearts she really wanted him to stay in her bed and hold her as she slept the way she'd been craving since he left. She'd even let Harry share her room if that was what it took. That was if Joseph didn't change his mind completely when he learnt about his daughter and her mother's, frankly pitiful, silence about her. Agitated and uncomfortable, Jac paced back and forth around her flat, eventually catching sight of herself in her full-length mirror. At five months pregnant she was beginning to show a little, her slim and angular figure had softened and her stomach had swelled slightly. Jac could only hope that her oversized jumper dress would disguise her bump and the elasticised waistband that was holding it in. Despite the fact that even five years on, he could still recite every single detail about her on their first date, she was banking on the fact that Joseph hadn't seen her in a while to cover her tracks until she was ready to tell him. Suddenly the doorbell rang, making Jac jump.

The sight of Joseph made her heart pound and the baby kick as if in recognition.

"Hey" She smiled breathlessly "Where's Harry?"

"Hey, yourself" Joseph grinned stupidly as he kissed her on the cheek "Harry's asleep in the car, I didn't want him screaming the place down, so I'll get him in a bit, here I thought we could enjoy this" he said handing her a bottle of her favourite wine. "Shit" thought Jac "He'll soon realise, if I don't drink this." Wrestling with her poker face she took the bottle and put it in the kitchen, "Thanks," she smiled.

Joseph followed her from the kitchen into her living room, taking all of her in. She hadn't changed much in the five months he'd been gone, but he couldn't help but think that something was different about her and he wasn't sure what. She seemed less pointy and defensive, even her spiky frame had smoothed out and gained curves where there was once just skin and bone, she looked more beautiful than ever. He had missed her more than he'd realised- how could he ever have left her in the first place and more so, how was he ever going to leave her again? He had to tell her how he felt just in case by some miracle she'd changed her mind.

"Jac," he said, feverently walking up behind her and placing his hands on her waist, "You have no idea, how beautiful you are, do you?" Overcome, Jac whirled around to face him, threw her arms around his neck and kissed him square on the lips, the way she'd been longing to for months. Surprised but equally as thrilled he kissed her back, meeting her enthusiasm. What seemed like hours later, Joseph broke away, cupping her face in his palm, "I better go and get Harry, I'll be back in a minute." He smiled, "I still love you, Jac Naylor" He whispered in her ear.

"I love you too" she called to his back as he walked to the door. "I'll tell him when he gets back" She promised her bump.

By the time Joseph had returned with a sleeping Harry in his travel seat and set him down in the study, Jac had prepared plates of spaghetti for the pair of them both. "Jac Naylor, since when did you cook?" exclaimed Joseph in confusion.

"Since I had nothing else better to do with my spare time" called Jac setting the plates on the table. "Well then I'll get us some wine," replied Joseph reaching for the bottle and opening it, he filled the one glass that was on the table and set about looking around for another. "Jac, where do you keep your glasses, love?" he asked.

Startled, Jac looked up stupidly, she had hoped he wouldn't notice "Oh no, that glass is yours, I won't have any, I'm kind of off wine at the moment I'm afraid." she said apologetically, trying to ignore the perplexed expression Joseph was wearing. Suddenly she realised that she could hide it no longer. "Actually, that's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about…"

Hours later…

There was no way Joseph could sleep he was far too excited. He couldn't believe it. He was having another child, a daughter, Jac was having his daughter! Joseph was in utter shock. He had waited years to be a father and now he would have two children just a few months apart. On the other side of the room he heard Harry snuffle in his sleep, blissfully unaware of the fact that in a few months he would have a younger half sister. Next to him Jac mumbled something in her sleep and snuggled closer to him. She looked peaceful, like she didn't have a care in the world- how she should look Joseph thought to himself. He remembered the look of apprehension on her face earlier as she broke the news to him, afraid that he would hurt her again by leaving. He remembered how she broke down in tears of relief as he kissed and kissed her, wordlessly promising never to leave her again. After carrying her to bed with more enthusiasm than either of them knew what to do with, they breathlessly agreed that they would stay together in Jac's flat until after Emily Harriet Naylor-Byrne was born. After that, they would all move back to Penrith where, together this time, they would rule the empire as husband and wife.