Captain's Log: Stardate... November 4th, 2002.

When I awoke from my slumber this morning, I immediately set down stairs in my very large and very grand home - better write that down ladies, everything I own is huge. Everything. - to depart on my journey to locate nourishment to sustain my physical body.

Toaster Strudels. Wildberry. The best kind.

When I arrived in my HUGE kitchen I set forth to deliver said pastries from the freezer to the toaster and finally unto my stomach where they would supply the nutrients needed to fulfill me properly.

I would soon have global mastocation and then global digest...tation. Shut up.

Anyhow, I go to open the aforementioned freezer unit and retrieve my beloved Toaster Strudels but little do I know that I will be met with a horror so unimaginable it makes even me, Albert Wesker, shudder in fear.

The blue box which holds the pastries needed to sustain my hunger and refurbish my body is...

...empty.

Panic and fear grip me and I want to run far, far, far away from this hellridden toaster pastry-less place. But I was no coward and I laugh in the face of adversion, promptly tearing it's heart out with my very large bare hands.

And you know what they say about men with large hands...

I knew I had to face an enemy far greater than any astray tyrant or that despicable Chris Redfield. I would need to embark on a journey to put this abhorrence at an end.

I would have to go to grocery store.

In the event you haven't been to one a primary thing is to be noticed about this haven for annoying and rude people:

It's filled with crying babies and zucchini.

And if there are two things I cannot stand, it's crying children and zucchini. That deplorable vegetable is nothing more than a green squash AND I WILL NOT HAVE THAT IMPOSTER IN MY MOUTH. As for the sobbing babies, I think that speaks for itself. Sure they are cute and cherubic but when it comes down to it, children are more evil than I am.

I wanted to avoid that hellish market at all costs so I hatched a most ingenious scheme. Picking up my phone I dialed the first number that came to mind.

"Hello?"

"Ada! I'm out of breakfast supplies!" I cry into the phone, trying to sound more sinister but my stomach really hurt. I needed my nourishment as soon as possible.

"Oh...Hi Wesker. No Toaster Strudels?" She doesn't seem impressed or particularly sinister-ized. I love word making.

"Indeed. Someone has eaten the last one and when I find them I will make sure they pay." And so I would, damnable pastry thieves! No one crosses me, I am Albert Wes-

"That person was probably you..."

My face fell. Well, I can't rightly make myself pay now can I?

"Ada, I need you to go to the super market for me and purchase as many boxes as possible! It will be your finest mission to date, you WILL not fail." She sighed on the other line but I ignored her, it's what I do best. Well that and my hair. Have you seen it? It's...beautiful.

"Yeah I can't. I have something to do today."

"Oh? And what is more important than the well-being of your boss?"

"Everything. See ya 'round."

Due to the disobedience and blatant disrepect from my subordinate, I had one more option ahead of me before my time ran out. I dialed another number.

I heard something in the background and furrowed my eyes. It sounded like a whale dying, or a whole family of cats being brutally beaten to death with microphone stand. It was neither of those things, only one of my best men singing, "Hello? Hello!"

"Put your assssss in the aiiiiir! Oh put-put your ass up in the air! Put your ass up in the air!"

"What in my name-" I wanted to rip my ears off if I it would help. It made me quite frankly want to kill myself...again. And not come back this time.

"Put your ass in the air. Put your ass in the air. Put your ass up in the air! Move around like you don't- Oh god! Hello?" The music ceased and the voice on the phone seemed nervous. You would be too if someone had heard you singing that rubbish.

"Krauser," I pinched the bridge of my nose, "I will pretend I did not hear what I just heard if you promise me I will never have to hear it again."

"Boss! I-uh-well you see-I was just-"

"Nevermind that, Krauser. I need your assistance."

"What's up?"

"What's up? What is up? Oh I will tell you just what is up! While you were knitting yourself a purse and singing low-grade techno songs-"

"It's a fanny pack! And I was doing yoga-"

"KRAUSER!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Like I was saying, while you were doing all of those things, I have been starving nearly to death!" Okay, it may have been over the top just a bit. My stomach hurt so badly though.

"Are you out of Toaster Strudels again, sir?"

My face dropped a bit. Am I really that transparent?

"I am afraid so. I need you to go to the supermarket and procure them. Wildberry. The value sized box. Two of them." I stared longingly at the freezer. This was a fate worse than death, if Chris were here right now, he'd be laughing at me. I bet I didn't really eat the last one, I bet he did it! He did it because he knows I am better than him at everything and because he knows Jill tried to have relations with me at the Christmas party and-

"I'm sorry, sir. I can't."

"Wh-What do you mean you can't!" He couldn't be serious!

"I have to go fanny p- I mean uhh pool table shopping. Yeah, that's manly right? Pool tables?"

"FINE! I'LL GET THE DAMN THINGS MYSELF!" I slammed the phone down, which now that I think about it seems unnecessary since it was a cell phone. I gathered my keys and my coat, readjusting my shades. I knew I would to look most intimidating if I was to get out of this alive.