"American Pie"
By: FLuFFy
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Through season 6. Consider this at the beginning of season 7.
Notes: This is because I was writing a bunch of fics that mock "Angel". "Buffy" definitely doesn't deserve to be let off the hook. Especially not after last season. And HoYay stands for "Homoeroticism, Yay!". Someone at Television Without Pity came up with the phrase. Go to their Smallville forums. You'll find it in bulk. Now on with the program...
---
PREVIOUSLY ON BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER:
BUFFY: I think I was in heeeeeaaaaven.
--
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
--
TARA: You are using too much magic! Shame! Shame, you junkie!
WILLOW: Baby, let's just have sex.
TARA: If you quit magic.
WILLOW: Okay.
--
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
--
DAWN: Why isn't everybody looking at meeeeeeee?
--
ANDREW: We're like totally villains! [grabs Jonathan's butt]
WARREN: Like, for sure!
JONATHAN: Oh, my god, you guys: Our HoYay factor is off the charts!
ANDREW: You mean like Spock and Kirk?
WARREN: Totally!
--
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
--
WARREN: Die, newbie!
[Tara is shot]
WILLOW: Grrr! [hair turns black]
--
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
--
WILLOW: Everyone should die because I'm in pain! I have learned nothing over the past few years! [Willow makes some CGI lightning bolts]
XANDER: How about a hug, Will?
WILLOW: Okay. [hair turns red]
[Flowers bloom. Rabbits bounce. People hug. All is well.]
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
---
[Scene. The Magic Box. Xander is being useless.]
XANDER: Hey, Giles?
GILES: Yes, Xander?
XANDER: Why didn't I get to marry Anya?
GILES: Joss hates happy couples. Come on, you know that.
XANDER: Yeah, but...
WILLOW: Hey, buddy, at least the love of your life isn't dead!
BUFFY: ...or on another network!
WILLOW: I need some sex. [sighs]
XANDER: I guess you guys are right. [corny voice] Gee, I sure hope nothing eeeeevil comes to town today...
---
[Scene. Trouble's a-brewin'. Graveyard. Night.]
SPIKE: Hello, Sunnydale!
MARTI: [offscreen] CUT! Uh, I'm gonna need you to make sure you come across as EVIL. Spike is EVIL. EVIL, I say! EVIL! And, action!
SPIKE: [kills a kitten] Hello, Sunnydale! [throws dirt on a homeless man] [uses Crayola chalk to draw on someone's grave] [shoots a duck] [watches the movie "Glitter"]
---
[scene. jail. andrew and jonathan are whining.]
ANDREW: We can escape if we try real hard!
JONATHAN: No way! I've seen the light and am ready to pay for my crimes.
ANDREW: Really?
JONATHAN: No, not really. Bubba's made me his bitch! I wanna get outta here before I accidentally drop the soap.
[Handsome British man enters]
ANDREW: Who are you?
WESLEY: The name's Wesley Wyndham-Pryce.
[Red Lights flash and horns sound out loudly.]
WESLEY: [talking loudly over the noise] I believe I can help you escape. See, I've recently turned eeeevil myself, and...
[a voice comes on over the telecom]
VOICE: Crossover Alert! Crossover Alert!
[a WB executive runs on screen and shoots Wesley dead.]
EXEC: Carry on, boys.
ANDREW: Well, that sucks.
JONATHAN: We're never gonna get out of here!
ANDREW: Don't say that! We can dig our way out!
JONATHAN: You think?
ANDREW: Well, apparently it's possible to make an Invisi-Gun, so I don't see why not.
JONATHAN: Lets do it!
---
[Scene. Magic Box. Dawn's coming back from school.]
ANYA: Hey, Plot Contrivance!
GILES: Anya!
ANYA: It's true! Buffy never had a sister before! Dawn sucks.
XANDER: Anya, I think you need to...
ANYA: Oh, hush! You said so yourself. She just eats away valuable screentime with her shrill whining.
XANDER: I...uh...
ANYA: And Giles, you said you wouldn't have left for England had it not been for Buffy's irritating sister.
GILES: Well, when...
BUFFY: You all disgust me.
ANYA: That's what you said about Spike and you boinked him!
WILLOW: Won't somebody boink ME!?
BUFFY: No, Will. You've fulfilled your love-life requirements.
DAWN: Talk about me again. MEEEEEE!
[Dawn storms off in a hissyfit]
---
[scene. UC Sunnydale.]
WILLOW: [shouting] Won't somebody have sex with me!?!?!
[everyone stares]
WILLOW: Boys, girls, I don't care! [notices someone] Spike!?
SPIKE: Right. And I'm eeeevil too.
WILLOW: Oh. Will you...?
SPIKE: Yeah, why not. But I'm evil, you know.
WILLOW: Whatever.
SPIKE: And I haven't been naked in this episode yet, so it's about due...
[shot of Willow and Spike going at it]
---
[scene. Graveyard. night.]
[Jonathan and Andrew are making out.]
MARTI: [offscreen] Psst! We're rolling!
JONATHAN: Oh...Uh... We're free!
ANDREW: [licking him] Uh...Mrrf...Gll...Yeeea...Pff...
JONATHAN: Huh?
[Jonathan shoves Andrew away]
ANDREW: I said: Yes! Now we can revive Warren.
JONATHAN: Oh. But, he disappeared into thin air. Can we do that?
ANDREW: Sure. Why not?
---
[scene. The Summers home. Dawn is eating Doritos.]
[crunch]
[crunch]
BUFFY: Dawn!!
DAWN: What!?
BUFFY: What are you doing?
DAWN: Eating, why?
BUFFY: Don't you have something else to do?
DAWN: Nope.
BUFFY: Uh...okay. Homework?
DAWN: No, Joss is setting up an arc where I get handed over to social services.
BUFFY: Oh. Steal something?
DAWN: Nope. That arcs through.
[eats a Dorito]
BUFFY: I died so you could do this?
DAWN: Yeah. [crunch]
BUFFY: Everyone's right, you -should- have been killed after "The Gift"!
---
[scene. Willow's place. Willow is shooting up.]
WILLOW: Nobody's ever done this much...uh...magic before!
[Willow twitches]
[Ghetto-fabulous Tara Ghost appears out of nowhere]
TARA: You be usin' way too much magic, W.
WILLOW: Where the hell did you come from?
TARA: Plot device, foo'.
WILLOW: Have sex with me?
TARA: I'm dead, yo!
WILLOW: You just came back to tell me I'm using too much magic?
TARA: Shyeah.
WILLOW: This makes no sense at all.
TARA: Word!
---
[scene. The Summers home. late at night. Spike is lurking because he's EVIL! E-V-I-L!]
[Spike politely knocks on the door...Buffy answers.]
BUFFY: Spike?
SPIKE: Yeah, and I'm evil too. Er... Buffy, I luuuuurv you.
BUFFY: You disgust me.
SPIKE: Wait, haven't we already gone past this routine?
BUFFY: Continuity, Spike?
SPIKE: Fair enough. Then let's pretend that whole attempted rape thing never happened.
BUFFY: Sure. So, should we get on with...
SPIKE: [bored] I know you want it, Slayer.
BUFFY: I hate you.
SPIKE: I hate you too.
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
BUFFY: Wait!!!
SPIKE: Bloody hell! What, woman!?
BUFFY: Why does every episode end this way?
JOSS: [offscreen] You know, the character of Buffy is replaceable. I suggest you just do what I say.
BUFFY: [sighs] Fine. Can you please just insert another scene after this one? To spice it up a little?
JOSS: Maybe.
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it...some more.]
---
[scene. Graveyard. Continued from before.]
[Jonathan holds up a rock]
JONATHAN: Ima speakingus ina latinus. Bringet Warrenae backus.
[Insert CGI Effect here]
WARREN: Daddy's back!
ANDREW: Warren! I missed you so much it hurt sometimes!
[silence. crickets chirp.]
ANDREW: What?
JONATHAN: Yeah, we're gay, but we're not -that- gay.
WARREN: Get a clue, Andrew.
[Warren and Jonathan walk away...holding hands.]
ANDREW: But! You guys! We haven't done anything eeeevil yet!
JONATHAN: [shouting back] It's a two-part episode!
-End-
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS:
Joss "Juggling 3 shows" Whedon and Marti "I really should be fired" Noxon
NEXT WEEK:
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
BUFFY: Spike's back!
[shot of Dawn sucking up screentime]
DAWN: I'm going to make a pancake. Isn't this exciting? I'll bet the viewers are on the edge of their seats!
[shot of Willow looking sad]
WILLOW: I'm horny! Xander? Buffy? Anya...?
By: FLuFFy
Rating: PG13
Spoilers: Through season 6. Consider this at the beginning of season 7.
Notes: This is because I was writing a bunch of fics that mock "Angel". "Buffy" definitely doesn't deserve to be let off the hook. Especially not after last season. And HoYay stands for "Homoeroticism, Yay!". Someone at Television Without Pity came up with the phrase. Go to their Smallville forums. You'll find it in bulk. Now on with the program...
---
PREVIOUSLY ON BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER:
BUFFY: I think I was in heeeeeaaaaven.
--
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
--
TARA: You are using too much magic! Shame! Shame, you junkie!
WILLOW: Baby, let's just have sex.
TARA: If you quit magic.
WILLOW: Okay.
--
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
--
DAWN: Why isn't everybody looking at meeeeeeee?
--
ANDREW: We're like totally villains! [grabs Jonathan's butt]
WARREN: Like, for sure!
JONATHAN: Oh, my god, you guys: Our HoYay factor is off the charts!
ANDREW: You mean like Spock and Kirk?
WARREN: Totally!
--
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
--
WARREN: Die, newbie!
[Tara is shot]
WILLOW: Grrr! [hair turns black]
--
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
--
WILLOW: Everyone should die because I'm in pain! I have learned nothing over the past few years! [Willow makes some CGI lightning bolts]
XANDER: How about a hug, Will?
WILLOW: Okay. [hair turns red]
[Flowers bloom. Rabbits bounce. People hug. All is well.]
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
---
[Scene. The Magic Box. Xander is being useless.]
XANDER: Hey, Giles?
GILES: Yes, Xander?
XANDER: Why didn't I get to marry Anya?
GILES: Joss hates happy couples. Come on, you know that.
XANDER: Yeah, but...
WILLOW: Hey, buddy, at least the love of your life isn't dead!
BUFFY: ...or on another network!
WILLOW: I need some sex. [sighs]
XANDER: I guess you guys are right. [corny voice] Gee, I sure hope nothing eeeeevil comes to town today...
---
[Scene. Trouble's a-brewin'. Graveyard. Night.]
SPIKE: Hello, Sunnydale!
MARTI: [offscreen] CUT! Uh, I'm gonna need you to make sure you come across as EVIL. Spike is EVIL. EVIL, I say! EVIL! And, action!
SPIKE: [kills a kitten] Hello, Sunnydale! [throws dirt on a homeless man] [uses Crayola chalk to draw on someone's grave] [shoots a duck] [watches the movie "Glitter"]
---
[scene. jail. andrew and jonathan are whining.]
ANDREW: We can escape if we try real hard!
JONATHAN: No way! I've seen the light and am ready to pay for my crimes.
ANDREW: Really?
JONATHAN: No, not really. Bubba's made me his bitch! I wanna get outta here before I accidentally drop the soap.
[Handsome British man enters]
ANDREW: Who are you?
WESLEY: The name's Wesley Wyndham-Pryce.
[Red Lights flash and horns sound out loudly.]
WESLEY: [talking loudly over the noise] I believe I can help you escape. See, I've recently turned eeeevil myself, and...
[a voice comes on over the telecom]
VOICE: Crossover Alert! Crossover Alert!
[a WB executive runs on screen and shoots Wesley dead.]
EXEC: Carry on, boys.
ANDREW: Well, that sucks.
JONATHAN: We're never gonna get out of here!
ANDREW: Don't say that! We can dig our way out!
JONATHAN: You think?
ANDREW: Well, apparently it's possible to make an Invisi-Gun, so I don't see why not.
JONATHAN: Lets do it!
---
[Scene. Magic Box. Dawn's coming back from school.]
ANYA: Hey, Plot Contrivance!
GILES: Anya!
ANYA: It's true! Buffy never had a sister before! Dawn sucks.
XANDER: Anya, I think you need to...
ANYA: Oh, hush! You said so yourself. She just eats away valuable screentime with her shrill whining.
XANDER: I...uh...
ANYA: And Giles, you said you wouldn't have left for England had it not been for Buffy's irritating sister.
GILES: Well, when...
BUFFY: You all disgust me.
ANYA: That's what you said about Spike and you boinked him!
WILLOW: Won't somebody boink ME!?
BUFFY: No, Will. You've fulfilled your love-life requirements.
DAWN: Talk about me again. MEEEEEE!
[Dawn storms off in a hissyfit]
---
[scene. UC Sunnydale.]
WILLOW: [shouting] Won't somebody have sex with me!?!?!
[everyone stares]
WILLOW: Boys, girls, I don't care! [notices someone] Spike!?
SPIKE: Right. And I'm eeeevil too.
WILLOW: Oh. Will you...?
SPIKE: Yeah, why not. But I'm evil, you know.
WILLOW: Whatever.
SPIKE: And I haven't been naked in this episode yet, so it's about due...
[shot of Willow and Spike going at it]
---
[scene. Graveyard. night.]
[Jonathan and Andrew are making out.]
MARTI: [offscreen] Psst! We're rolling!
JONATHAN: Oh...Uh... We're free!
ANDREW: [licking him] Uh...Mrrf...Gll...Yeeea...Pff...
JONATHAN: Huh?
[Jonathan shoves Andrew away]
ANDREW: I said: Yes! Now we can revive Warren.
JONATHAN: Oh. But, he disappeared into thin air. Can we do that?
ANDREW: Sure. Why not?
---
[scene. The Summers home. Dawn is eating Doritos.]
[crunch]
[crunch]
BUFFY: Dawn!!
DAWN: What!?
BUFFY: What are you doing?
DAWN: Eating, why?
BUFFY: Don't you have something else to do?
DAWN: Nope.
BUFFY: Uh...okay. Homework?
DAWN: No, Joss is setting up an arc where I get handed over to social services.
BUFFY: Oh. Steal something?
DAWN: Nope. That arcs through.
[eats a Dorito]
BUFFY: I died so you could do this?
DAWN: Yeah. [crunch]
BUFFY: Everyone's right, you -should- have been killed after "The Gift"!
---
[scene. Willow's place. Willow is shooting up.]
WILLOW: Nobody's ever done this much...uh...magic before!
[Willow twitches]
[Ghetto-fabulous Tara Ghost appears out of nowhere]
TARA: You be usin' way too much magic, W.
WILLOW: Where the hell did you come from?
TARA: Plot device, foo'.
WILLOW: Have sex with me?
TARA: I'm dead, yo!
WILLOW: You just came back to tell me I'm using too much magic?
TARA: Shyeah.
WILLOW: This makes no sense at all.
TARA: Word!
---
[scene. The Summers home. late at night. Spike is lurking because he's EVIL! E-V-I-L!]
[Spike politely knocks on the door...Buffy answers.]
BUFFY: Spike?
SPIKE: Yeah, and I'm evil too. Er... Buffy, I luuuuurv you.
BUFFY: You disgust me.
SPIKE: Wait, haven't we already gone past this routine?
BUFFY: Continuity, Spike?
SPIKE: Fair enough. Then let's pretend that whole attempted rape thing never happened.
BUFFY: Sure. So, should we get on with...
SPIKE: [bored] I know you want it, Slayer.
BUFFY: I hate you.
SPIKE: I hate you too.
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
BUFFY: Wait!!!
SPIKE: Bloody hell! What, woman!?
BUFFY: Why does every episode end this way?
JOSS: [offscreen] You know, the character of Buffy is replaceable. I suggest you just do what I say.
BUFFY: [sighs] Fine. Can you please just insert another scene after this one? To spice it up a little?
JOSS: Maybe.
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it...some more.]
---
[scene. Graveyard. Continued from before.]
[Jonathan holds up a rock]
JONATHAN: Ima speakingus ina latinus. Bringet Warrenae backus.
[Insert CGI Effect here]
WARREN: Daddy's back!
ANDREW: Warren! I missed you so much it hurt sometimes!
[silence. crickets chirp.]
ANDREW: What?
JONATHAN: Yeah, we're gay, but we're not -that- gay.
WARREN: Get a clue, Andrew.
[Warren and Jonathan walk away...holding hands.]
ANDREW: But! You guys! We haven't done anything eeeevil yet!
JONATHAN: [shouting back] It's a two-part episode!
-End-
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS:
Joss "Juggling 3 shows" Whedon and Marti "I really should be fired" Noxon
NEXT WEEK:
[shot of Buffy and Spike going at it]
BUFFY: Spike's back!
[shot of Dawn sucking up screentime]
DAWN: I'm going to make a pancake. Isn't this exciting? I'll bet the viewers are on the edge of their seats!
[shot of Willow looking sad]
WILLOW: I'm horny! Xander? Buffy? Anya...?