The Thanksgiving from Hell

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Unforeseen circumstances threaten to ruin the Thanksgiving dinner Sparky and Buster are in charge of organizing. Meanwhile, RK tries to write the perfect Thanksgiving essay to win a no homework day.

1. The Thanksgiving from Hell Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 6

EPISODE 9

Airdate: November 19, 2017

"The Thanksgiving from Hell"

Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne

#TYH609

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

The episode starts with a caption over a black screen that states: "The following events took place over the course of several days in the later period of November 2017. Happy Thanksgiving." Cut to an exterior shot of Sparky's house, with the date and time "NOVEMBER 20 - 4:03 PM PST" appearing on the screen. It is then followed by an interior shot of the kids watching TV with bored expressions.

BUSTER: So, Sparky, are you telling one of your world-famous Thanksgiving stories again?

SPARKY: What? No. Why would I do that?

BUSTER: Because I thought after the Cimorelli story, you would always have a story to tell us on Thanksgiving.

SPARKY: Buster, I didn't tell any stories last year.

BUSTER: Yeah, you did. Remember that one about the gopher biting someone's neck off?

SPARKY: We were at the park last year when we saw that happen. And it was the day after Thanksgiving.

Beat.

BUSTER: Well, how come we didn't do anything to help?

JAYLYNN: Sometimes, I wonder how you two became best friends.

SPARKY: Because we made each other laugh and we brought out the best in each other. This year, Buster and I are teaming up to cook the Thanksgiving dinner. But this isn't going to be like Thanksgivings in the past. This is going to be the Thanksgiving of the century. This is going to be a banquet, the meal of all meals. You know what? Forget all that. This is going to be a feast.

Cut to Sparky sitting down in the kitchen, talking directly to the camera.

SPARKY: I knew that this was the year where everything was going to come together for Thanksgiving. That's why I had to take some steps. I had to do the impossible. Because this was going to be more than just a dinner in the afternoon. It was going to be a feast.

A cut reveals that Sparky is talking to Bitch Clock.

BITCH CLOCK: Why are you talking like that?

SPARKY: I don't know. Dramatic effect? Look, this Thanksgiving is really important to me, so I need you to be on your best behavior.

BITCH CLOCK: Every Thanksgiving is important to you.

SPARKY: Yeah, but this year, it's personal.

BITCH CLOCK: You said the exact same thing last year.

SPARKY: Okay, but...

BITCH CLOCK: Stop. I'm saving you from sounding like a broken record this time. I'm not even going to be here on Thanksgiving. Me and my buddies have other plans.

SPARKY: You're cancelling on me on Monday, just three days before the meal?

BITCH CLOCK: Afraid so. We're all going to Vegas this weekend. Yup, nothing but gambling, drinking, hot women, and awful heat for some reason.

SPARKY: This is terrible. A Thanksgiving that doesn't have the whole family.

BITCH CLOCK: Hey, if you're not careful, whatever's shoved up your ass is going to become self-aware. You need to calm down.

SPARKY: I guess. But this Thanksgiving has to be a team effort.

Without being seen, Buster walks into the room behind Sparky and raises up his index finger.

SPARKY: Buster, forget it. We're not having turkey fingers as a side dish.

Buster slowly walks out of the room backwards.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

NOVEMBER 21, 2017 - 11:16 AM PST

RK is staring at his lunch tray with absolute disgust. The tray has turkey slices, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce, and sweet potatoes.

RK: What the f*** is this shit on my tray?

WADE: Today and tomorrow, the school's serving us Thanksgiving dinner for lunch. You know, like they do every year?

RK: Wade, this isn't Thanksgiving dinner. This isn't even the hot meal they serve at the homeless shelter two blocks down. I mean, look at this shit. This cranberry sauce doesn't even jiggle. It just sits there like a big fat blob of red vomit. And this turkey is cold as hell. RK looks closer at the mashed potatoes. And I know the mashed potatoes weren't made fresh because they've already absorbed the natural juices of the gravy. Now you won't even get to taste anything.

Jaylynn looks at her tray and puts down her fork.

JAYLYNN: Okay, I'm not hungry anymore.

WADE: You see what you do to people?

RK: I'm just using this table to broadcast my thoughts. I have no control over anything else.

At that point, Sparky walks to the table.

SPARKY: Hey guys, bad news. I heard from Will that Mrs. Bernstein is assigning a Thanksgiving essay over the break.

RK: Wade, you understand why I hate coming here. You understand, right?

WADE: She can't be serious. Even I think the holidays are a time to relax.

BUSTER: I don't think calling Thanksgiving "the holidays" is politically correct.

SPARKY: Well, it looks like it. Besides, Will's never wrong. He was the one that heard about Coach Bergman getting hired, the new desks in study hall, and for some reason, the NHL team going to Vegas.

JAYLYNN: So we're screwed, right?

SPARKY: Not one hundred percent. There's also going to be a prize.

JAYLYNN: A prize? What kind of prize?

BUSTER: It better be a key chain.

SPARKY: I think it's a no homework day. The students with the five best essays win the prize.

RK: Wait, a no homework day? You mean, a day where we get no work that we have to do at home?

WADE: Thank you for giving us the Webster's dictionary definition.

RK: Man, this is a real game changer. Now I know what I have to do. I'm going to write an essay so great, it will shit on everyone else's and I'll get the no homework day.

WADE: Why do you even need a no homework day? You never do the work anyway!

RK: Yes, but this time, I'll have earned the right, the privilege, the honor of not having to do it. It's like my own personal Money in the Bank contract. And I'm winning the briefcase.

BUSTER: What if I want the briefcase?

RK: Well, you'll have to suck an egg and wait your damn turn. It's my briefcase.

SPARKY: She said the five best essays so...

RK: Dammit, Sparky, it's my briefcase and I'm cashing that shit in whenever I feel like it!

SCENE 3

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Booth

Seattle, Washington

Later that day, the kids are eating ice cream while RK has a pencil and paper out.

RK: Now what I need to do is figure out what I want to say. How do I start? It has to sound formal, but sexy. If I don't have that form/sex balance, I'm not getting that briefcase.

JAYLYNN: You're such a weirdo. The essay hasn't even been assigned yet, will you calm down?

RK: Jaylynn, some of us can't afford to calm down. Some of us have to work twice as hard because we don't live on the honor roll. We have to bust our asses to get just a fraction of the success you cocky-ass scholars get.

JAYLYNN: I'm not even an honor roll student like that.

SPARKY: I think he's talking about us. RK, don't throw sneak shots. Come at us straight.

WADE: Yeah, if you have something to say, don't be cryptic about it, you punk ass little...punk.

RK: You know what? RK puts the pencil and paper in his bag. I'm going to tuck this away for now. I don't need any of you clowns trying to steal my ideas.

SPARKY: We don't want them anyway. What we need to figure out is our Thanksgiving plans.

BUSTER: Plans? What plans? We're going to show up to your house, eat, watch a crappy football game, eat again, watch some more crappy football and see each other on Monday.

SPARKY: We do that every year. This year, we need to raise the stakes. This isn't just Thanksgiving anymore. This is the feast of the century.

JAYLYNN: That sounds good. So what are you thinking? More food at the table than we could even finish?

RK: Yeah, so much food, we're going to have leftovers from the leftovers of the leftovers?

SPARKY: Kid, please, who has that kind of money? I just wanted to invite everybody we could think of. The whole damn troop.

BUSTER: So what you're saying is, that's more stuffing that I have to share with everyone else, right?

WADE: I guess we could invite more people for the dinner, but who?

SPARKY: Well, we already know the Masters are coming. Anja and Lynne probably aren't coming...

JAYLYNN: I have mixed feelings, honestly.

SPARKY: We could also invite Sanna. And, um...what about...those girls? Those, uh...shit, your girlfriends?

RK: Adriana and Anna?

SPARKY: Yeah, them. I feel like I haven't talked to them in years.

JAYLYNN: It does feel like that.

SPARKY: Okay, so the guest list is taken care of. Alright, so Buster and I are going to get the food tomorrow and we're going to feast on the greatest meal of all-time on Thursday. And the best part is, it's a plan that can't possibly fail.

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

NOVEMBER 22, 2017 - THANKSGIVING EVE (10:43 PM PST)

Sparky is whistling while arranging the Thanksgiving food that he and Buster bought. He puts foil paper over the turkey's protective wrap, closes the refrigerator, then turns the lights off and walks upstairs.

SCENE 5

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

NOVEMBER 23, 2017 - THANKSGIVING DAY (1:44 AM PST)

Some time later, an unknown person opens the back door of Sparky's house and creeps towards the refrigerator. They then open it and take the turkey while trying to be as quiet as possible. They close the refrigerator and walk as fast as they can out the door while holding the turkey.

SCENE 6

The MacDougal Household

Seattle, Washington

NOVEMBER 23, 2017 - THANKSGIVING DAY (8:15 AM PST)

Sparky wakes up in his room and yawns, then scratches his back as he leaves the room. He brushes his teeth and hair, puts on his regular clothes and walks downstairs with a big smile on his face.

SPARKY: Ah, the Thanksgiving atmosphere. I always wondered why there's no Thanksgiving music. I guess that shit's all underground.

Sparky shrugs and walks into the kitchen. He then opens the refrigerator and freezer to see them both fully stocked.

SPARKY: Ah, pre-cooked food. There's nothing like it. Okay, now, to seal the deal, let me take another looksie at this Thanksgiving list. "Mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, three types of stuffing, green beans, jellied cranberry sauce, whole berry cranberry sauce, squash, sweet potatoes, apple pie, pumpkin pie, sweet potato pie, vanilla and French vanilla ice cream, and of course, turkey." Wait...hang on a minute. There's turkey on the list, but I don't see it in here.

Sparky scratches his head as he looks in the refrigerator for the turkey, but cannot find it.

SPARKY: No, no, no, absolutely not! This is bullshit, man! Where's the turkey?!

Sparky pulls out his cell phone and begins dialing someone. The phone starts ringing.

BUSTER: Hey Sparky. Happy Thanksgiving.

SPARKY: Buster, we have a very serious problem.

BUSTER: We do?! THE PARADE ALREADY STARTED?!

SPARKY: No, Buster, the parade's in more than a half hour. That's not the problem here.

Beat.

BUSTER: Don't you ever f***ing scare me like that again.

SPARKY: Buster, this isn't funny. Did we forget to buy the turkey yesterday?

BUSTER: Forget to buy the turkey? Sparky, that's ridiculous. How could we have forgotten to buy the most important thing? That's crazy.

SPARKY: Because it's not in here.

BUSTER: It's not? Oh, then I guess we forgot.

SPARKY: This is terrible. What are we gonna do now?

BUSTER: Relax, man, it's going to be okay. I'm coming over there. Did you remember to record the parade?

Sparky groans.

SPARKY: Yes, Buster. I remembered to record the parade.

BUSTER: Okay, well, at least this morning's not a total bust.

SCENE 7

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

Buster has arrived and is looking in the refrigerator for the turkey, but has the same luck as Sparky.

BUSTER: Hmmm. Now that I remember, we did buy the turkey, it's just not in here.

SPARKY: So where the hell could it be?!

BUSTER: I don't know, but your shouting isn't going to make it come back. I know that much.

SPARKY: This was supposed to be the feast of the century, the meal of all meals. How are we going to have that without the star attraction?

BUSTER: Eh, I wouldn't worry about it too much, Sparky. I mean, who still has turkey for Thanksgiving anyway?

SPARKY: Every single American! This is awful. This is like doing a New Year's toast with paper cups.

BUSTER: Look, all we need to do is just think of substitutes. You know what could fix this? A nice big chicken.

SPARKY: Chicken? Really? We're going to eat chicken with our Thanksgiving feast?

BUSTER: I don't see what the big deal is. Chicken and macaroni go great together.

SPARKY: Yeah, on any other day, but this is Thanksgiving. It goes against tradition. And what kind of chicken, Buster? Fried? Grilled? Chicken fingers? Sesame chicken? Orange chicken? Have you ever heard of anybody who eats orange chicken on Thanksgiving? I haven't, and frankly, I don't want to meet anybody who does.

BUSTER: Well, unless you want to spend the whole morning watching YouTube videos so you can make one, I have no idea how this will work. Unless...the turkey was stolen!

SPARKY: Are you sure it was stolen?

BUSTER: It makes sense to me. Some idiot forgot to get his turkey on time, he didn't want to face the wrath of his heartbroken family, so he took the easy way out and ruined Thanksgiving for someone else.

SPARKY: I don't know, it sounds like a stretch to me.

Buster looks down on the floor and notices scuff marks that form a trail leading to the back door.

SPARKY: Buster, what's wrong?

BUSTER: Your floor!

SPARKY: You're a guest in my house, why do you have to criticize my floor?

BUSTER: No, look at the marks! It looks like someone walked in here, snatched the turkey, and walked out all smooth like. And they thought they could get away with it.

SPARKY: Oh my God, you're right! These are scuff marks. And they start from the fridge. I really did get robbed for my turkey!

BUSTER: Now that we know someone stole it, all we have to do is figure out whom. Or who. I don't know the rule for that shit.

SPARKY: Well, let's cut out the most obvious person first, but the one that most likely did it.

SPARKY AND BUSTER: Bitch Clock!

SPARKY: Okay, how do you think it went down?

BUSTER: Maybe Bitch Clock got really drunk and ate the turkey in the backyard. Probably wanted a midnight snack and couldn't help himself.

SPARKY: Hmmm, that sounds juicy.

At that point, Bitch Clock walks in the kitchen.

BITCH CLOCK: What kind of plan is that? You guys are seriously ripping off Family Guy episodes now?

BUSTER: Wouldn't be the first time.

SPARKY: Bitch Clock, if you did it, admit it. Wait a minute, I thought you were going to Vegas.

BITCH CLOCK: I was, but one of my buddies went down with food poisoning. Just my luck. Someone always has to stop me from taking trips to the Southwest.

BUSTER: Okay then.

SPARKY: If that's the case, then Bitch Clock couldn't have done it. He would still be on the first plane to Vegas to hide his shame. Or hide out in the liquor store or nap under the park bench.

BITCH CLOCK: I don't nap under the park bench anymore. Do you know how many people have thrown me out thinking I'm trash?

BUSTER: Well, maybe that's because you are, you turkey-stealing bastard!

BITCH CLOCK: I didn't steal the turkey, you idiot! Do you really think I would mess with you guys like that?

BUSTER: Probably.

BITCH CLOCK: The last time you guys accused me of something, I almost drowned. I don't want to deal with the shit you would do to me if I actually did do something.

SPARKY: He sounds honest to me.

BUSTER: Alright, he's clean. But you're going to help us, clock man. You're a criminal, a manipulator, you know all the tricks.

SPARKY: Dude, he's not a criminal.

BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, do you really believe I haven't been in jail before?

Beat.

SPARKY: Okay, now, I don't know if I want you to help us.

SCENE 8

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

At this point, several of the kids have arrived and are sitting in the living room.

RK: Wade, I'm almost done planning out my first draft, but I don't know how to start it off. I want it to be dark, but not too dark. I mean, it's Thanksgiving so I want to showcase the harsh realities of the holiday.

WADE: RK, you're about as dark as Taylor Swift watching an episode of Full House. Just do the assignment and do it well, it's not that big a deal.

RK: *mockingly* "Just do the assignment and do it well." That's what you sound like right now. I'm going to Sparky's room to get inspiration.

ANNA: Wait, RK. I thought we were going to hang out today.

RK: Anna, we hang out all the time. This is homework. This is real shit, man. I'll talk to you later.

RK kisses Anna on the cheek and runs upstairs.

ANNA: Am I in a parallel universe? Since when has he...

WADE: He just wants the no homework day that comes with getting a high grade on this essay.

ANNA: That explains it.

SCENE 9

The MacDougal Household

Interior Sparky's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is pacing around the room as Buster and Bitch Clock sit on the bed and watching him.

SPARKY: Okay, we need to figure out who could have taken it. Someone has to have it out for me, I just don't know who.

BUSTER: What about the guy who sells bananas at half-price? I saw the way he was looking at you yesterday. I don't trust him.

BITCH CLOCK: Serious question, did someone hit you upside the head with a baseball bat when you were born?

BUSTER: I'm not saying he did it. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here!

SPARKY: Oh, this is going to be a long day. I mean, who do we know that could have...

At that point, RK walks in and the guys pause.

RK: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was in here.

BUSTER: Hey you.

SPARKY: Wazzup?

RK: Okay, what are you guys hiding? No one's used "What's up" like that since the Patriots won their first Super Bowl.

BITCH CLOCK: RK, you should run along. This isn't a place for children like you.

RK: But I just needed a place to work on my essay.

BITCH CLOCK: Then run along with your little sissy essay. This is real men's work.

BUSTER: Yeah, you sissy! Beat it!

RK: What did you guys do?

SPARKY: We might as well tell him. If we don't, he won't stop until he figures it out.

BUSTER: I'm way ahead of you, Sparko. I'm going to tell him in a way that's subtle and classy. RK, did you notice anything...amiss in the refrigerator this morning?

RK: I never opened the refrigerator.

BUSTER: Okay, well, let me rephrase my question here. If there just so happened to be an absence of a particular Thanksgiving feature, how would you feel about that?

RK: I would feel worse than the time Sparky kicked my ass for the pie jacking.

BUSTER: Well, in that case, we appear to be missing a feature.

BITCH CLOCK: Oh, for God's sake, someone stole the turkey yesterday!

BUSTER: Dude, I was about to seal the deal!

RK: Wait, are you serious? How does that even happen? This neighborhood's getting less safe every year.

SPARKY: You don't even live in this neighborhood.

RK: That's because I know it's getting less safe.

BUSTER: Right now, we're trying to figure out who did it. Unless...

SPARKY: Unless what?

BUSTER: Unless it was an inside job.

RK: Wait, you think I did it?

BUSTER: Of course, I see it on your face. You knew that eating the dinner too early would take time away from you writing your paper. So you decided to delay things by hiding the turkey, and once you were done with your paper, the turkey would miraculously pop back up.

RK: Ugh, never underestimate the pretty ones. Okay, Buster, you caught me.

BUSTER: Great Spaniard lips!

SPARKY: RK, how could you do this to us?

RK: You should ask my evil, imaginary twin because I never stole the damn turkey!

BITCH CLOCK: Wow, he really had you guys going there.

RK: You know, you guys could always just buy another turkey.

BUSTER: On Thanksgiving? Yeah, sure, let's just go buy Coca-Cola on Christmas while we're at it!

BITCH CLOCK: What?

RK: It's not unheard of. I mean, I've never heard of it, but I don't think it will be a problem.

SPARKY: I think we should give it a shot. We can't ruin the feast. Everybody's thinking about that turkey as we speak.

BUSTER: You sure about that? Whoever stole your turkey is walking the streets right now, and the police isn't even doing a damn thing about it.

BITCH CLOCK: That's because they don't know anybody stole the turkey.

BUSTER: Well, let's file a report with the police department and get serious about this.

SPARKY: I think we should just drop it and get a new turkey, Buster. Whoever stole it isn't just going to magically pop up and return it like a library book. Let's go hit the supermarkets and get an even better turkey. A more scrumptious, more succulent, more drug-induced turkey! We move out now!

Sparky runs out of the room. Beat.

BUSTER: To the Batmobile!

Buster runs out of the room while RK shakes his head.

RK: Well, at least now, I can work on my essay.

BITCH CLOCK: Why are you, of all people, suddenly interested in doing your homework?

RK: Why are you always passed out at dive bars at four in the morning?

Beat.

BITCH CLOCK: I know killers, RK. Don't push me.

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster walk downstairs towards the coat rack.

SPARKY: Alright, guys, we're out.

HALLEY: Where are you going?

BUSTER: Where are we going?

Sparky and Buster look at each other with concern.

BUSTER: We're going to Nunya's.

HALLEY: Okay, fine. Forget I asked.

BUSTER: No, we're actually going to Nunya's. It's a real place. You ever heard of, uh...Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles?

HALLEY: No.

BUSTER: Well, they made a different one called...Nunya's Steak and Pancakes!

Buster starts laughing for no apparent reason, slaps his knee, then hits a confused Sparky's shoulder multiple times.

JAYLYNN: The f*** is happening right now?

SPARKY: Yeah, so we're going to that place. Bye, we'll send postcards.

Sparky and Buster take their coats and leave the house.

ADRIANA: That was surreal.

ANNA: Yeah, no kidding. When we go to L.A. next year, we should eat at Roscoe's.

Cut to Sparky and Buster outside near Sparky's car.

SPARKY: Nunya's Steak and Pancakes? Dude, what was any of that?

BUSTER: I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me. It's like, sometimes when I lie, this other voice takes over that's really, really confused over what's happening. The other voice doesn't want to see me win, Sparky. It doesn't.

SPARKY: Well, at least the hard part's over. When we come back, we'll go through the back door, put the turkey in the fridge, and no one will be the wiser.

ANJA: Hey guys.

BUSTER: HOLY SHIT, IT'S THEM!

Buster falls on the ground from the excitement after seeing Anja and Lynne.

BUSTER: I thought I was about to die.

LYNNE: Why are you so jumpy?

BUSTER: Because we don't need anybody else finding out about the thing.

ANJA: The thing? What thing?

BUSTER: The thing that's not really a thing, but just becomes a box of assorted things. A collection, a menagerie if you will. In other words...it's not the thing. It's things.

Beat.

SPARKY: Some creep stole the turkey yesterday.

ANJA: Seriously?

LYNNE: You know, you should just forget about that guy. They're going to get theirs one day, I know it.

ANJA: Yeah, they are, but I don't think you guys have to worry that much.

BUSTER: Why not? We have to find a replacement turkey and put it in the fridge without anyone knowing.

LYNNE: No, you don't. Because I have a turkey right here.

Lynne pulls out a turkey from her bag.

SPARKY: No freaking way.

ANJA: I didn't know you brought a turkey with you.

LYNNE: Yeah, I have a big appetite today. I thought I was going to need it because of how hungry I am, but now that you guys need it, we can just make it the replacement turkey.

BUSTER: It's a Thanksgiving miracle!

SPARKY: It sure is. Lynne, you're our hero! You saved the feast of the century!

Sparky hugs Lynne at that point, and she ends up blushing.

LYNNE: Wow, I didn't expect this kind of attention.

ANJA: Wait, don't you guys still have to keep everyone from seeing the turkey?

SPARKY: Good point. Lynne, you think you can sneak the turkey in from the back?

*dreamily* LYNNE: I'll do anything you want, Sparky.

SPARKY: What?

LYNNE: I mean, I can do that, no problem. By the way, you smell really nice. Don't tell Halley I said that.

BUSTER: Are you going to get the turkey in there or not?

SCENE 11

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

Lynne walks through the back door and looks closely at her surroundings. She then walks in the same direction as the burglar, and places the turkey inside the refrigerator. At that point, Jaylynn walks in.

JAYLYNN: Lynne, what are you doing?

Lynne screams as she closes the refrigerator.

LYNNE: Hey Jaylynn, how are you doing? Is that a new hair color?

JAYLYNN: When we met, I had the exact same hair color. What are you trying to hide?

LYNNE: Nothing. Maybe you're hiding something.

JAYLYNN: You're such a shitty liar, man. What did you do?

LYNNE: Look, just because I stole Sparky's turkey, doesn't mean I'm a bad person! I mean, at least I returned it.

JAYLYNN: What?! You stole the turkey?

LYNNE: Yeah, and now you know the truth.

Lynne pulls out a handgun and points it at Jaylynn.

LYNNE: So the only way you're leaving this kitchen is in a body bag.

Lynne fires two shots at Jaylynn's chest, instantly killing her.

JAYLYNN: Lynne?

The scene cuts to real time, where it is revealed that Lynne only imagined killing Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: Lynne, do I have to use sign language? I'm talking to you!

LYNNE: Oh. Hey, do you know if Sparky has any tape? The kind of tape you put on people's mouths?

SCENE 12

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: I...I have no words for this. Why the hell would you steal Sparky's turkey?

LYNNE: Look, I'll take you back to the beginning. You know how Anja always skips Thanksgiving? Because you know, our religion and stuff?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I know how my best friend feels about most holidays, Lynne.

LYNNE: Anyway, I thought the same thing was going to happen this year. And I knew Sparky was going to buy this great big turkey. Also, I kinda forgot to buy my own turkey.

JAYLYNN: So in addition to being a thief, you're also a dumbass. Got it.

Beat.

LYNNE: Anyway, my plan was simple.

Cut to the earlier scene of the robbery where we see that it was Lynne who broke into the refrigerator.

LYNNE: I would wait until late at night when Sparky was asleep, and then sneak in through the back because I remember Anja telling me that he always keeps it open for some reason. I stole the turkey and then I was gonna eat it today, but then something happened this morning.

Cut to Anja walking into Lynne's apartment earlier in the day, where Lynne is sitting on the couch.

ANJA: Hey, how are you doing?

LYNNE: Gobble gobble.

ANJA: I can see you're in the spirit.

LYNNE: Yeah, I guess I am.

ANJA: Look, I know how much you wanted to go to Sparky's Thanksgiving dinner. So I called him last night and he said we could come whenever.

LYNNE: Really? We're going?

ANJA: Yeah. I mean, how fun is it being alone when all your friends are eating and joking around?

LYNNE: Thank you, Anja!

Lynne runs up to Anja and hugs her, then her face immediately becomes regretful.

LYNNE: At that point, I knew I did the wrong thing. I was going to give the turkey back and probably come up with some bullshit story on the way.

Cut to the scene where Lynne reveals the turkey in her bag.

LYNNE: When I found out that Sparky and Buster were going to buy a new turkey, I thought up the story on my feet and decided to make it seem like I just had it in my bag. They bought the whole thing.

Cut to the present day.

JAYLYNN: Wow. I mean, I already knew you were a crazy bitch, but this is like, ultimate, level 50 crazy bitch behavior right here.

LYNNE: Look, I made a stupid mistake. And I fixed it. What's the problem?

JAYLYNN: Oh, there's going to be a problem when I tell everyone that you're a psycho for what you did.

LYNNE: You're dreaming. You're not telling anyone shit. They think I saved the day. I'm a hero now. I came through in the clutch!

JAYLYNN: You know, it's really pathetic how you've managed to convince yourself that you're a hero.

LYNNE: What they don't know won't hurt them. Besides, what about the millions of times I helped you out?

JAYLYNN: You only helped me out twice. The first time, I ended up being your personal assistant, and the second time, I ended up getting in a fight with some drunk in a tiger suit.

LYNNE: Wow, you actually have receipts. But still, you can't tell them. I can't get in trouble now!

JAYLYNN: Too bad. I'm not getting sucked into this shit, because once Anja finds out I knew the whole time, it's over.

LYNNE: Look, if you keep this a secret, I won't insult you for the rest of the year.

JAYLYNN: The rest of the year? As in, from now until midnight on New Year's Eve?

LYNNE: Damn right. You have my word.

JAYLYNN: Okay, demon seed. I'll keep your secret. For the first and last time.

LYNNE: Thank you.

JAYLYNN: Hey, do you think anyone heard all this?

LYNNE: Why? Is someone at the door? Have you been setting me up this whole time?

JAYLYNN: No, dummy, I'm seriously asking that question.

LYNNE: Oh. I thought you were in on something.

JAYLYNN: You're a real weirdo.

SCENE 13

The MacDougal Household

Interior Sparky's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK is sitting on the bed when Wade walks in.

WADE: Okay, what's up?

RK: Wade, I finished the first draft of my essay.

WADE: You called me up here to tell me that?

RK: Well, yeah. I did something useful, I thought you would be proud of me.

WADE: I guess, but let me hear it.

RK: Okay. It's sorta like the conclusion to The Color Purple.

WADE: How?

RK: What?

WADE: How is your first draft anything like the conclusion to The Color Purple?

RK: It's not, I just love Nas. Okay, check this out. "What is Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is an exceptional holiday. It all started way back in the 17th century when the Pilgrims first landed on Plymouth Rock. They found a turkey that had brown skin and wanted to eat it, but the Native Americans told them that wasn't the way. Pretty soon, the Pilgrims learned everything about the Native Americans and used their own tricks to kill them in the war. And that's why we celebrate the Pilgrims every Thanksgiving. It's a reminder of what it truly means to be white."

Beat.

WADE: I have a little suggestion for that first draft.

RK: Really, what is it?

WADE: Throw it out and pretend you never wrote it.

RK: Wade, I'm not writing this essay to be popular. If I don't teach kids the true history of Thanksgiving, they won't know anything about the world.

WADE: But you're not teaching them anything. This is like some Quentin Tarantino version of Thanksgiving.

RK: Well, I guess kids should grow up without a unique point of view, eh?

WADE: Look, RK, I want you to have a great essay, but you can't just half-ass this. You have to write about something that matters to you. Do research and figure out what Thanksgiving's all about.

RK: I have to do research?!

WADE: I know, right? It's almost like you're writing an essay. I'm going to be downstairs, but if you need me, you know what to do.

RK: Okay, bye.

Wade closes Sparky's door.

RK: F*** this essay. I didn't know this would take so much work. But if I really want that no homework day, I have to dig down deep. I have to get out of my comfort zone and go to a place I've never been before. I just need to think. What makes Thanksgiving so Thanksgiving like? Food, no. Gratitude, who cares about that crap? Football? Wait, that's it! Football! I just need to write about the history of Thanksgiving and tie it back to football!

RK takes out a piece of paper and begins writing.

RK: "It all started with the first ever football game played on Thanksgiving Day."

SCENE 14

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: I wonder who's playing in tonight's game.

HALLEY: I think it's the Giants and the Redskins.

JAYLYNN: Are you kidding me? Yup, that should be a real game. That really puts syrup on my pancakes.

HALLEY: I know, right? The Giants suck, they're getting their asses kicked.

JAYLYNN: Amen.

SANNA: You guys wanna bet on it?

JAYLYNN: Oh, hell no. I'm done with gambling. My life went to shit once I started betting on all those dodgeball games.

SANNA: That was only a few weeks ago.

JAYLYNN: Who cares? It still happened.

HALLEY: Yeah, that whole thing was crazy. I'm never gambling again.

SANNA: But you guys said the Giants would lose. Seems like a sure thing.

JAYLYNN: Do you take us for dummies? Rule number one of gambling: There's no such thing as a sure thing.

SANNA: Okay, okay. Except for when it is.

HALLEY: Sanna, what are you getting out of this?

SANNA: Nothing. I just want you guys to make some more money. Lots of kids are betting on the Giants game.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I don't know. Ashley, could you lecture us about the evils of gambling or something?

ASHLEY: Sorry, I'm staying out of this.

HALLEY: Okay, we'll bet on this one game for fun. But if we lose, we'll kick your ass and take our money back.

SANNA: Okay, cool.

JAYLYNN: She's serious. We don't play around with our money.

SCENE 15

The MacDougal Household

Interior Kitchen

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster take a look at the turkey after taking it out of the refrigerator.

BUSTER: It's gorgeous.

SPARKY: You're telling me. I bet they basted it and brined it.

BUSTER: Ooh, I love it when they baste and brine.

SPARKY: Me too. Hey, wait a minute.

BUSTER: What?

SPARKY: This turkey reminds me a lot of the turkey we got yesterday.

BUSTER: Yeah, it does. And it has the same price as the one from yesterday too.

SPARKY: Hey Lynne, could you come in here for a minute?

Lynne walks into the kitchen.

LYNNE: Is everything okay?

SPARKY: Yeah, we just wanted to know something about this turkey you bought.

LYNNE: *voiceover* Holy shit, I'm screwed! Just play it cool. *aloud* Know something about turkey bird?

SPARKY: Yeah. Did you get this from Aaron & Rodney's?

LYNNE: Aaron & Rodney's? Um, yeah, that's totally where I got it. You know, because Aaron & Rodney's...has them so I bought it there.

BUSTER: I knew it was from there.

SPARKY: Yeah, their turkeys are unreal. It's where we got our turkey before...before it was stolen.

LYNNE: What a sad story. But a lucky turn of events.

SPARKY: Of course. You know, Lynne, I think everyone should know what you did.

LYNNE: Are you sure? No one knows me like that anyway.

BUSTER: Oh, don't be humble. Without you, our Thanksgiving would have been ruined.

SPARKY: Yeah, we were trying to go all out this year. Which is why at dinner, when we make our toast, we're going to dedicate it to your turkey coming through for us.

*through clenched teeth* LYNNE: Wow, that makes me feel so good.

BUSTER: You know, I don't get why Jaylynn hates you so much. Instead of calling it Thanksgiving, they should call it Lynnesgiving.

Beat.

SPARKY: Eh, let's not make her feel too uncomfortable.

*through clenched teeth* LYNNE: Yeah, let's not, haha.

SCENE 16

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Later on, Wade is watching football with everyone else when RK walks up to him.

ANNA: Great, you're finished.

RK: Not really. This is just my second draft.

ANNA: Are you kidding me? RK, I can't just sit here and talk to Adriana all day.

ADRIANA: You asshole.

ANNA: I see you every day. You know what I'm talking about.

ADRIANA: No, I really don't.

WADE: So you have another draft?

RK: Yes, I do. Honestly, I think this is the one you've been waiting for. It has it all. Research, humor, and a nice little message at the end.

ADRIANA: Oh God.

WADE: Well, RK, let's hear it.

RK: You all want to hear it? I don't know if it's ready for an audience.

JAYLYNN: We're thinking of how much money to bet, go away.

WADE: You could share it with me and the girls.

RK: Alright, here we go. "What is Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is an exceptional holiday. It all started because the Pilgrims said, 'Dammit, we want football on Thursday afternoon.'"

Wade, Anna, and Adriana look at each other with concern.

SCENE 17

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK: "Eventually, the Pilgrims beat the Native Americans' ass in the football game to the death. That's why you only really see Native Americans on highways in Arizona. Thanks to the Pilgrims, we now get Thursday night football all season long."

Beat.

WADE: Is your essay supposed to be cringe comedy?

RK: Oh, come on, man. I put my foot in this essay. The least you could do is talk about the things you liked.

WADE: I like how you said that white people think the Washington Redskins are a tribute. That's good satire.

RK: I wasn't going for satire. I was being serious.

WADE: Oh. Well, I still laughed.

ANNA: You know what, RK? You tried your best and that's all that really matters.

RK: Anna, I don't need a participation trophy. I need a no homework day. But I guess I'm just not good enough to write a decent essay.

RK throws the paper to the floor and walks upstairs.

ADRIANA: Okay, now I feel bad.

Cut to the backyard where Lynne is sitting on the back porch.

LYNNE: I can't believe this. They're giving me a toast? Me? Ugh, I'm despicable.

At that point, Bitch Clock walks outside as well, with a can of Miller Lite.

BITCH CLOCK: Oh, I thought I would be alone. Wait, are you the big Muslim chick or the little one?

LYNNE: I'm Lynne, Anja's younger sister.

BITCH CLOCK: That doesn't really answer my question.

LYNNE: Yes, it does! What's that in your hand?

BITCH CLOCK: Some Miller Lite. I've been thinking about going leaner for the rest of the year. But, my God, this stuff is horrible. I would rather stick a machete in my neck and lose consciousness than do this again.

LYNNE: You shouldn't be drinking at all.

BITCH CLOCK: You sound like my therapist, my doctor, and my ex-wife rolled into one. What are you doing out here anyway?

LYNNE: I'm just trying to figure out a way to cancel Thanksgiving.

BITCH CLOCK: Okay, what did you do?

LYNNE: I'll tell you, but you have to promise me you won't say anything.

BITCH CLOCK: Girl, I'm half-drunk right now. Whatever you say to me, I'll most likely forget about it in less than an hour.

LYNNE: Okay. I stole the turkey for the Thanksgiving dinner last night.

BITCH CLOCK: Wait, that was you?

LYNNE: How did you know?

BITCH CLOCK: The guys told me some sicko stole it this morning. What were you thinking, Ashley?

LYNNE: I'm Lynne.

BITCH CLOCK: It doesn't matter, really. But still, that's insane. You need to return that shit and come clean before they send the goons after you.

LYNNE: I already did. I made up some story about me having another turkey in my bag and they bought it. Now they're going to give me a toast talking about what a hero I am.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, seems like you have it made. I would just ride out the hero stuff and take the lie with me to the grave.

LYNNE: I already told Jaylynn.

BITCH CLOCK: Really? You know, you remind me of my old friend. He told everyone who would listen that he killed the toughest guy on his block. Then the toughest guy on his block returned from prison. I never saw my friend again.

LYNNE: So what exactly should I do, you weird talking clock?

BITCH CLOCK: If it bothers you so much, just tell them the truth. They'll understand. And if they don't, it's not like they hang out with you anyway so your real friends will never even find out.

Bitch Clock burps loudly at that point, causing Lynne to give him a look of disgust.

BITCH CLOCK: I'm not excusing myself. I'm a man and I will express myself in whatever way I feel necessary.

SCENE 18

The MacDougal Household

Interior Sparky's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster walk inside and see RK at the computer watching a video.

BUSTER: GAH! Man, I really need to stop getting scared by everybody today.

SPARKY: RK, what are you doing? Why aren't you joining in on the Thanksgiving fun?

RK: What fun is it when you can't even write a good essay?

Buster looks at the screen closer.

BUSTER: You're watching a ten-hour loop of Drew McIntyre's old entrance video?

RK: Yup. He made broken dreams come true the same way my shitty writing does now.

SPARKY: Aw, RK. You know you're a great writer, you're just thinking too hard.

RK: Am I? Am I, really? I've always been one of the worst students in school. And I've always taken pride in that, but this essay was supposed to be my chance to step up. My chance to prove to everyone that I was just as good at getting the best grades as anybody. But I guess my best wasn't good enough.

BUSTER: It's a Thanksgiving essay. All you have to do is write about what it means to you. How it makes you feel.

RK: All I feel right now is the loss of a no homework day.

SPARKY: RK, don't give up just because today didn't work out. You still have time. The fact that you care so much about this proves that you can step up and be that guy. But you have to believe in yourself or none of that matters.

RK: This whole thing feels like a direct-to-video Christian Thanksgiving movie.

SPARKY: Hey, it's true. You have feelings, you have a voice. Just write that. Come on down, we're going to start dinner soon.

Sparky and Buster leave the room as RK pauses the video and begins to scroll down the comment section.

RK: Just write that? Maybe I could.

RK looks closer at the comments.

RK: Damn. I didn't realize until today just how racist YouTube is.

SCENE 19

The MacDougal Household

Interior Dining Room

Seattle, Washington

Everyone has gathered in the dining room for the Thanksgiving feast. Sparky sets a big chair for himself and taps Buster as he walks past him.

BUSTER: That's so cute. I love you too, buddy!

SPARKY: No, I wanna talk to you.

BUSTER: Oh. Well, screw me for thinking you were just being nice.

Buster leaves his seat and follows Sparky to the kitchen.

BUSTER: I know what you're thinking, and honestly, if you put the pies out now, they might get a little cold.

SPARKY: It's actually about the turkey. Should we really tell everyone what happened?

BUSTER: I think so. Besides, it's not really about us. It's about Lynne.

SPARKY: Yeah, she really helped us out today. And she didn't even want anything in return.

BUSTER: You know, Sparky, I think this really might be the best Thanksgiving we ever had.

SPARKY: You think so? We really pulled off the meal of all meals?

BUSTER: I think so. And you didn't even have to tell a crazy story this year.

SPARKY: If it means that much to you, I can always tell one next year.

BUSTER: Eh, maybe you can skip another year. Don't want it to be a cliché.

Sparky and Buster walk back into the dining room and Sparky whistles to get everyone's attention.

SPARKY: Everybody? I have something to say. I think you guys should know the truth.

HALLEY: You've been seeing another girl?!

SPARKY: Halley, this has nothing to do with you.

HALLEY: Thank God, I would have lost it.

RK: My money was on Ashley.

Halley looks at RK angrily.

RK: The odds were pretty good with her.

SPARKY: Anyway, Buster and I wanted to come clean about something. It turns out that the turkey we bought for the Thanksgiving dinner was stolen after I went to sleep.

The kids mumble in shock and disbelief as Lynne covers her face.

JAYLYNN: You know, Sparky, it's a damn shame that someone had to resort to that. Some lowlife scum that couldn't even buy their own turkey. Jaylynn turns towards Lynne. They almost ruined things for everyone else.

BUSTER: Don't stop telling the truth, Jaylynn.

SPARKY: Yeah, whoever did it better hope we never find them. Because if we do, we'll make them pay. But luckily for us, we were saved by someone that came through with a selfless act. Lynne just happened to have her own turkey on hand, and she gave it away so the dinner could go on as planned.

BUSTER: Yeah, Lynne pulled off a Thanksgiving miracle. She showed us all what it really means to give back.

At that point, everyone starts clapping and Lynne groans in shame.

JAYLYNN: How about that? Lynne thought of everyone else before herself. I guess I had you figured out all wrong.

SPARKY: So on this night, let's be thankful for Lynne helping us out when we were in a tough spot.

RK: Let's toast in celebration to Lynne!

SPARKY: That's exactly what I was thinking.

The kids take their glasses of ginger ale and raise them in unison.

KIDS: To Lynne!

Lynne becomes overwhelmed emotionally, begins crying, puts her glass down and runs out of the room. Suddenly, the celebration becomes an awkward silence.

BUSTER: Wow. So much pride. She's amazing.

SPARKY: I think we should talk to her.

ANJA: I'll go too.

SCENE 20

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Lynne is sitting on the couch surrounded by Sparky, Buster, and Anja.

SPARKY: So you lied about the whole thing?

LYNNE: Yes. I stole the turkey because I forgot to buy one and I just wanted my own Thanksgiving. Then once Anja said we were coming over, I felt bad so I made up that story and gave it back. I don't deserve to be called a hero.

BUSTER: You sure don't, you turkey-stealing...

ANJA: Buster...nah.

BUSTER: I think my other voice is creeping up again.

SPARKY: Lynne, I can't believe you would do this. You know, technically, I can have you arrested?

LYNNE: What?!

SPARKY: Relax, I'm not taking you to jail. What you did was wrong, but at least you tried to fix it before it was too late.

LYNNE: I'm really sorry, Sparky. If it means anything, I'll go right back in there and tell everyone what really happened.

SPARKY: You know what? They don't need to know what really happened. We can just say you couldn't take all the emotion.

LYNNE: Wow, you guys are awesome.

BUSTER: Hang on a minute. At the end of the day, Lynne still did something bad. We can't wrap up the story like this. She deserves to be punished.

ANJA: What do you suggest, Buster?

BUSTER: I want ten bucks.

LYNNE: What?

BUSTER: You heard me. The turkey costs twice that, I'm doing you a favor here.

LYNNE: Yeah, but...

ANJA: You're going to pay him ten bucks.

LYNNE: Alright, I deserve it anyway.

Lynne pulls out a ten dollar bill from her wallet and gives it to Buster.

BUSTER: Thanks, sweetie. Hey, Sparky, you want half?

SPARKY: Keep it. Let's just go eat.

The kids walk back to the dining room, but Anja stops Lynne.

LYNNE: Anja, what is it?

ANJA: Lynne, can you please promise me you'll never do anything like this ever again?

LYNNE: Okay, sis, I promise.

ANJA: Oh, and one other thing: As my punishment for you, you're giving your pie to me.

LYNNE: Don't you think that's a little extreme?

ANJA: More extreme than breaking into someone's house late at night and stealing their food, then lying about the whole thing?

Beat.

LYNNE: You want my cornbread too?

SCENE 21

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

At night, everybody is eating pie and watching the Giants/Redskins game.

BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, why did you put French vanilla on my pie? I hate French vanilla.

SPARKY: Fix it yourself then, I'm watching the game.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, I never...

Bitch Clock gets up out of his seat and walks to the kitchen, then stops momentarily.

BITCH CLOCK: Well, I never? This is what light beer is doing to me?

Cut to RK and Anna sitting near each other.

RK: Anna?

ANNA: You actually want to talk to me?

RK: Hey, I'm sorry for ignoring you but this essay is important to me. I actually need your help with it.

ANNA: You do?

RK: Yeah, I'm writing about what Thanksgiving means to me. When I'm done, it's going to be more sentimental than a Hallmark card sponsored by an independent Christian company.

*off-screen* BUSTER: That was too wordy!

RK: I know, I just wanted to see how it sounded.

ANNA: Well, Thanksgiving is a time where you can be around the people you love. Friends, family, creepy alarm clocks.

BITCH CLOCK: Anna, keep taking shots and you'll see. You'll see when I'm drunk.

RK: Shut up, you wino! Anyway, I like that. What else does Thanksgiving mean to you?

The camera slowly zooms out from the kids as Anna continues talking and RK takes notes on his phone.

SCENE 22

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

NOVEMBER 30, 2017 - 9:32 AM PST

The kids see their essay results posted on Mrs. Bernstein's bulletin board many days later.

JAYLYNN: Yes, I'm getting a no homework day!

WADE: Me too.

SPARKY: Damn, I was so close.

BUSTER: Me too.

JAYLYNN: You got a C, how was that close?

BUSTER: It's two grades away from an A, don't argue with me.

RK: Are you kidding me?

WADE: RK, I'm sorry you didn't get a no homework day, but you got a B-plus. That's your highest English grade in like, three years.

RK sighs. At that point, Full House-esque background music begins to play.

RK: You know, I could kick and scream about this, but I have to learn to deal with it. I did the best I could and I still got to spend Thanksgiving with the people I care about. And at the end of the day, that's all that matters.

SPARKY: Wow, RK, that was a really sensitive and mature thing to say.

RK: Thank you, Sparky, my chum. And now that that's out of the way, here's the European version.

JAYLYNN: Oh shit.

Cut to RK sitting in detention with a pained look on his face. The camera cuts to a shot of him writing "I Will Not Go on a Bret Hart-Inspired Rant" multiple times in his notebook. He then looks up at the camera.

RK: Let this be a lesson to you kids. If your teacher gives you homework over a holiday break, don't do it.

RK sighs and goes back to writing. Cut to black.

("Mama Told Me" by Big Boi featuring Kelly Rowland plays over the end credits)

©2017 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

HAPPY THANKSGIVING