Not Just A River In Egypt
I knew I shouldn't have let Francie bring me here. I knew it was bad idea.
Sure, on the plus side we're finally getting a chance to just spend time
together, but on minus side these cocktails are going down far too easily. This
is just wonderful. I'm morning my own stupidity by getting drunk. I definetly am
I genuis aren't I? Yeah, sure, and Sloane works nights Chippendale.
Ack! Bad image! Major sarcasm backfire!
Oh well, not that it matters. It's no big deal. I am not upset about what
happened in Nice. It was actually sort of a wake up call reminding me of the
SD-6/double agent/people getting killed factors that seemed to fade so far away
the moment Vaughn gave me that "Hey, look how adorable I am. Please don't
reject me." look.
Which reminds me. I'm not upset about Vaughn either. Vaughn wasn't even the
cause of all of this. Well actually, yes he was since he was the one who asked
me in the first place, but he wasn't the reason I accepted. I accepted because I
got asked to dinner, in France and it snowballed from there. Could anyone blame
me though? The Pope has had a more interesting love life than I have since
Danny. Well, with the exception of that escapade last year with Noah; which was
defintly tons more trouble than it was worth.
Oh yes. That is brilliant. Think about Noah. It's a perfect way to make
myself feel better.
I shouldn't feel bad in the fist place. I DON'T feel bad, just stupid because I
was stupid. I let myself behave like a sap in a way that no doubt made feminists
across the world spin in their graves.........the ones that are dead that is. Or
maybe not just the ones that are dead, because this would have killed the ones
that aren't yet.
Am I talking about dead feminists?
Right now I'm sure you're wondering: Why Vaughn though? Why not someone who
wouldn't cause your life to become even more complicated than it already is if
you got into a relationship with them?
It's simple really. Because he's there. As far fetched as it seems to apply a
quote from Silence of the Lambs to my situation with Vaughn, it works. "We
covet what we see everyday."
Think about it. I barely have time to continue in school in between being an
agent at SD-6 and a double agent so it goes without saying that I don't have
time to be out playing the field. However, I'm only human and my handler at the
CIA just happens to be young, good looking, and showers me with compliments and
encouragements after every mission. We're also not allowed to be seen together
or even aknowledge that we know of each other's existence, which gives the
entire situation that much more appeal.
It makes perfect sense where things went when the owner of the resturant gave us
that damn room key. I may not know Vaughn very well, but anyone who's met him
would say that he probably isn't the type who goes on the prowl for one night
stands. And I'm definetly not the type who agrees to them.
If our lives were anyone's our own it would have been no big deal, a simple
mistake made with good intentions. However, with us it opens up a giant can of
worms and suddenly we turn into errant children who know that they're doing
something they aren't supposed to and want to see how far they can push their
luck.
Somehow that doesn't seem like much of a consolation.
Not that I need consoling. As I said it's no big deal. If anything I'm relived
that we got caught when we did, before I did something I would have really
regretted later. I'm not upset. As I said to Francie, it's not worth even
considering. My feelings for Vaughn are based on physical attraction,
loneliness, convenience, the forbidden aspect, etc. Fickle reasons that hold no
deeper meanings than a teenage chrush.
Yeah, I could tell myself that I million times. I could also tell myself that I
don't wonder about random details of Vaughn's life such as how him and Weiss
met, and how he got that tatoo on his upper arm that I caught a small glimpse of
while he was sick with the Circumference virus.
That, while zoning out on a particularly long plane ride, I never came up with a
silly little fantasy about sitting in Vaughn's living room watching a Kings game
with his guy friends. Sipping on beer, smiling bemusedly whenever he joined in
screaming at the referee, and having him kiss behind my ear whenever he though
no one else noticed.
That I've never imagined what it would be like feeling his heart beating against
my back as I slept at night.
That the thought doesn't bring out, in me, a deep sensual shiver that resonates
all the way down to my bones.
I could tell myself a million times. However, unfortunately no matter how many
times I tell myself that, it can't quite make it true.
Well this certinaly sucks! Why do I get myself into situations like--
Wait! Francie's talking. What was that hon?
HAHA! Yes......I definetly want another drink.