This is a little different from my usual stuff. I wanted to try writing out something more angsty and emotional, because I'm usually very bad at it. It's the first time I've ever written something like this, so I do apologise if the quality isn't up to your standards. I'm also sorry if you spotted a lot of errors in this, I didn't really have much time to correct it...

Here's my version of what happened between Shinjiro and the Female Protagonist in October 4th.

Little bit of info: This may be the last thing I'll post on here... until I get more free time again. ):

Disclaimer: I don't own Persona 3.

October 4th... Who would have thought that something as insignificant as a date... would cause them so much tragedy, so much pain?

SEES lost an important member... a friend that day.

Akihiko Sanada lost his best friend that day.

Ken Amada lost his will to live that day.

Kaori Nagisa lost everything she ever needed that day.

...What about Takaya Sakaki? What did he lose? His bullets?

It was a long and difficult fight, but their efforts paid off in the end. The operation was a complete success. However, just like Akihiko, Kaori found herself unable to rest easy. She couldn't stay still, no matter how much she ordered her body to. With her hands folded behind her back, she paced across the command room, feeling anxious, tensed, worried... Just where were they? Did something happen to them? Why hadn't they turned up at such an important day? Why was Akihiko acting so peculiar? Did the date today... October fourth hold some sort of meaning as to why they were nowhere to be found?

Fortunately, Junpei decided to voice out her question. "What's so special about October fourth?"

"October the fourth..." Mitsuru placed a hand on her chin, deeply mulling it over. Suddenly, she gasped in shock, both horror and apprehension embedded on her features. "That's right! How could I have not noticed? If only I hadn't been too caught up in the operation!"

"Yamagishi!" The redhead urgently commanded. "I need you to find the two of them immediately! There's a good chance that they're together. Akihiko must have already realised it..."

"R-right away..." Fuuka timidly responded in alarm.

"Mitsuru-senpai... what's going on? How are you so sure that Ken-kun and Shinjiro-senpai are together?" Kaori enquired, trying to understand the significance of today's date. Was it something so important? Important enough for them to miss the operation?

"October fourth." Mitsuru repeated, as if mentioning the day itself was an omen, a curse. "This is the day Amada's mother was... killed." The entire room was eerily quiet. How cruel. Ken Amada was only a young child, and to lose his mother at such a young age...

It was a feeling Kaori could relate to quite well. She finally understood why Ken was eager to grow up. She knew better than anyone else how the world can be so empty, so harsh without the love of a parent. Putting on a brave face had been her only way to handle everything all these years. Ken must have— No, he was doing the same thing. His maturity must have been a way for him to cope with the loss of his mother. Joining SEES must have been a way for him to prove to everyone, to the whole world, that he would be fine without her.

… But what about Shinjiro? What does he have to do with it?

"I gotta make sure I don't leave anything behind... no doubts, no regrets..."

"You're... a pain. You keep messing things up for me. I keep thinking this is how my life's supposed to be. But sheesh... your face keeps popping into my head."

All of a sudden, a sense of foreboding loomed over her. Kaori anxiously waited for Mitsuru to finish her explanation— one which she hoped wouldn't confirm the agonising feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"Although her death was officially listed as an accident. We were the ones... responsible for the death of Amada's mother. Back then, Aragaki was only adjusting to his powers... and as a result, he momentarily lost control..."

Kaori felt her throat run dry, she didn't like where this was going.

"There was a casualty... Amada's mother."

The shocked gasps from the other SEES members echoed loudly throughout the entire room. However, Kaori couldn't make a sound. She brought a shaky hand to cover her mouth, her stomach suddenly feeling tight. She stood deathly still with her face drained of all colour. Ken-kun's mother died today and it was... Shinjiro-senpai who... k-killed her? N-No... That can't be true! It was too much for her to take in. She felt her knees turning brittle, losing their stability. She clung onto the side of the bookshelf for support, trying to fit all of the pieces together.

No doubts, no regrets...

Ken's unusual, cold demeanour in Shinjiro's presence...

How he thought his life was supposed to be... supposed to be...

She suddenly bolted upright, her scarlet eyes widening in realisation. Of course— They must be at that isolated alley in Port Island Station! That place left the strongest impression on her; remembering how intensely he spoke of doubts and regrets the whole time they were there. Why couldn't she have figured it out sooner? Without a moment to waste, she sped off towards the door, running as fast as her legs would allow her.

"Nagisa! Where are you going?" The redhead asked demandingly, "Yamagishi is still trying to locate their presence!"

"Everyone follow me! I know where they are!"

She wasn't sure how deep Ken's hatred was, but she prayed they would get there in time before anything horrific, anything unspeakable happened. Everything finally made sense... his words, his actions... that sad, lonely look he held in his eyes in their recent moments together; He was prepared for this from the beginning. He wanted to die.

A few moments later...

They spotted Shinjiro, Akihiko and Ken from a short distance blanketed under the dim green sky, surrounded by a scarce amount of coffins, surrounded by the stench of alcohol, and caged by thin graffitied walls. The younger boy stood still, his body frozen in shock; the expression on his face devoid of all emotion, devoid of all hope. Her silver-haired senpai held a solemn look on his face, with his head remorsefully bowed down. Kaori then turned her head, feeling her heart twist as she saw Shinjiro staring back at her with tired, half-lidded eyes; his frail body lying lifelessly in a pool of corrosive red liquid.

"What is the meaning of this? Why would you risk your life to save this child?" an ominous voice asked vehemently. She narrowed her eyes at the sickly, ghostly figure of Takaya Sakaki, who was defiantly glaring at them.

"It was you? YOU did this to him?" Kaori snapped. She felt her blood boil as her crimson eyes spotted the thin layer of smoke surfacing from the weapon he held tightly in his thin, skeletal hands. She gritted her teeth furiously, letting her anger consume her as she reached for her evoker.

A harsh tap on her shoulder brought her back to her senses. "Kaori, don't." It was Akihiko; his silver eyes giving her a fierce, yet sombre glare. Words weren't necessary for her to understand. Feeling her rage subside, she knew he was right... taking her anger out on Takaya wouldn't solve anything. She didn't even make an effort to chase after the spineless coward, as he retreated into the depths of the dark lit alley. Shinjiro's condition was the only thing that mattered right now. Even though he would never admit it, she knew he needed her by his side. She knelt down the hard rocky pavement, moving closer to him, her ruby eyes glancing sorrowfully at the blood matted dryly across his coat.

"Shit... I didn't... expect you to... come here..." Shinjiro coughed violently.

Kaori gently brought a finger to his lips, silencing him. "Sssh... don't talk." She spoke softly, giving him a small smile. "You're going to be okay, you hear me?" She knew exactly what he was going to say, but she refused to hear it. She wasn't ready to give up on him just yet, even if he'd already given up on himself.

"Tch... Don't bother... It's pointless..." He spoke weakly, as if he read her mind.

"Have some faith, senpai." She urged him quietly; gripping his hands as tightly as her resolve would allow her; letting her bangs cover the hot prickling sensation in the back of her eyes. She felt her insides tear apart as soon as she heard Mitsuru explain that taking him to the hospital would be meaningless because of the Dark Hour. However, she tried her best to ignore it. She was determined to stay positive. It was only going to be over if she wanted it to be. She knew she had to do something for him. She wasn't going to allow this to happen... not without a fight.

She turned to face the other SEES members, heavily attempting to hide the shaky, unsteady tone of her voice. "So what if we can't take him to a hospital? We have our Persona, don't we? Yukari... Why don't you try healing him with Io?"

"Kaori, I can't..." Yukari averted her eyes from her friend.

"What do you mean you can't?" She asked disbelievingly with a slight edge to her voice, her crimson orbs giving Yukari a sharp stare.

"I've used up most of my energy in the battle. I don't think I've got any left to summon Io... I'm sorry, Kaori..."

They all looked at her with a mixture of remorse, guilt and pity. She stood up, giving them the brightest smile she could manage. What were they doing just standing there and feeling sorry for themselves? Why do they all look as if depression itself had washed over them? Why should they feel sorry for her? She just wanted them to believe he was going to be okay. She didn't want their pity. He'd lost so much blood, carried a bullet close to his heart, and they thought she's the one who deserved their pity?

"Why are you all being so negative? Come on! We... We can't just leave him like this." She bit her lip anxiously. Their silence was unnerving... threatening to make her feel as hopeless as they were.

"This may be hard for you to hear, Nagisa... but there's nothing we can do for him now." Mitsuru sadly whispered to the younger girl in her softest, most empathic voice. Kaori felt Mitsuru's words pierce through her, very close to crushing whatever hope she had left for him.

However, she refused to surrender, trying to dismiss the heavy feeling deep inside her heart. Not when she still had so many things she wanted to say to him. Not when she still had the chance to understand the real him. Sure, she hadn't known him for very long. But even then, it took her so long to penetrate that large, invisible wall he placed between them. When she finally did, she saw the kind, lonely young man underneath all that ruthless, uncaring exterior... and even fell in love with him for it. She didn't expect her fellow SEES members to understand, but their pessimistic attitude was too much for her to bear.

"Fine. If none of you are going to do something, then I will." She coldly turned her back on them, reaching for her evoker. However, she felt Shinjiro's rough, bloodied hand tightly grabbing her wrist. She went down on her knees, positioning herself close to him, her gaze never wavering. He weakly shook his head in disapproval, almost as if he was telling her that they were right, as if he was asking her to stop holding on. After all, he knew there was nothing left for her to hold onto.

"I keep telling you what to forget and what to remember... what to want and not to want... I'm... selfish, aren't I?"

"You don't have to forgive me... but forgive everything else..."

"This is your fault, you know. I'm all confused. You're all I can think about day and night... Damn it. This isn't how it's supposed to be."

How long had he been hiding it? How long had he carried such a heavy burden all by himself? He had been in so much pain, tormented by the ghosts of his past. Yet during that whole time, she smiled like a fool completely oblivious, completely ignorant of everything... just like he wanted her to. She couldn't help but feel a little angry with him. Why didn't he tell her anything? Was he afraid her feelings would change? Was he afraid she would worry? Did he not trust her to understand?

"I'm sorry... I should've tried harder..." He spoke tentatively, his brown eyes focused onto her and nothing else. He was aware of how sappy he was going to sound, but it didn't matter anymore. It was important that she knew. Soon, he was going to die at any moment. He didn't want to leave things as they were. It was now or never. This was something he needed to say while he still had the chance. These were the feelings he needed to convey with what little life he had left.

"I should've stayed... away from you... as far as I could..."

Her eyes widened, terrified. She didn't want to hear this. Couldn't he see that she was fighting for him? Didn't he know it tore her heart to hear him talk about himself in the past tense? She shook her wrist free from his grasp. She swiftly stood up and forcefully pushed the small weapon against her temple.

She then closed her eyes, concentrating heavily on summoning her Persona. "Diarama!"

"But if I did that... It would've killed me... It would've hurt me... a lot more..." He weakly carried on, as if her efforts were meaningless. She scowled, clearly seeing that the spell didn't have the effect she had hoped for. His wounds were still unbearably visible to her. If anything, it felt as though they grew wider.

"Diarama!" She exclaimed, focusing even harder than before.

"Much more... much more... than it hurts me... now..." He sorrowfully whispered, tightly clutching his wounded chest.

"Diarama!" She screamed louder, trying to drown out the sincere, yet harsh words which escaped from his lips.

He must have expected Mitsuru to tell her about what happened. He must have expected her to turn her head the other way, to leave him to his fate. Well, he was wrong. Her feelings never changed. Not even after she was shocked to her very core at the news that he had accidentally murdered Ken Amada's mother. Not even now— at this very moment, where he was softly killing her with his bittersweet words.

"I'm such a horrible person... aren't I?... Even though... I expected this... to happen... I went ahead... and fell for you..."

Yet again, he was wrong. She knew deep down that it was her fault as much as it was his. After all, he never asked her to fall in love with him. She should've held him tighter, she should've paid more attention, she should've been more persistent to get answers from him. And now, because of her ignorance... this was the price she had to pay.

"Diarama! Diarama! Diarama! Diarama! DIARAMA!" She desperately repeated. Dammit! Why isn't it working? She cursed under her breath. The power to summon a Persona was both a blessing and a curse, but what good is this stupid power when she can't even use it for the one person she wanted to save the most?

"Idiot... Just stop it... Stop wasting... your energy... It's useless..."

"Dia...ra... ma..." She tearfully murmured, almost like a whisper. Her whole body shivered violently; the strain from overexerting herself took its toll, forcing her to stumble to the ground in defeat. She held her chest tightly in pain, taking in deep breaths from exhaustion.

"There, you did... everything you could... Are you... satisfied now?"

The mask of strength she wore slowly crumbled; she felt her eyes dampen, realising that the tears which she previously held back had now made their appearance. She refused to let them flow, because crying meant that she had given up. But was this really it? Is this the best she can do for him?

"You look best when you laugh... so don't cry, got it? Yeah... keep smiling. Just like that."

"No... this can't be happening! Senpai, please... you can't... you can't die here..." She sniffed, blanketing an arm over herself; trying to rub away the wet, salty trail with the back of her sleeve— but it was no use, they just kept coming.

"You moron... what're you doing?... You promised me... you wouldn't cry... remember?" He smiled painfully, roughly raising a hand to wipe away the tears which slid down her soft, porcelain cheeks.

"...I need you" was all she could manage.

He smiled a melancholy smile, his hands weakly grasping hers. "Promise me... you won't... regret... anything, Kaori... This is how... it should be..."

All hope diminished as she felt his hands heavily flop down towards the ground; his brown eyes slowly shutting themselves tight. The fierce battle between following her heart and admitting defeat had reached its conclusion. She was always prepared for battles physically and mentally. Kaori just wasn't prepared for this. There were no winners. The only thing left were all the what-ifs, what-could-have-beens, which continued to haunt her. All it took was a single gunshot to change everything. It just wasn't fair. With her shoulders hunched in defeat, she finally allowed the tears to pour freely, sinking her face deep into his chest.