The One With the Attack Squirrel

Summary: Phoebe and Joey encounter a squirrel when leaving Central Perk.

A/N: This is based on a true story, in case you're wondering how I came up with this display of insanity.

FYI, I know nothing about real squirrels. This is Phoebe's theory about squirrel life, and you know how Phoebe's theories can be.

Time frame of this story? Pick a season, any season.

Joey closed the door behind him as he and Phoebe exited Central Perk. Looking at the logo on the window for a moment, he commented, "You know, Pheebs, we don't spend as much time here as we used to."

Phoebe seriously considered this statement while she flicked her hair so that it fell outside of her orange spring jacket. "Yeah, I think you're right. We've only been here twice today."

"That's what I'm saying!" Joey nodded enthusiastically. "You don't think the gang is drifting apart, do you? I feel like I don't know you guys anymore!"

Phoebe creased her forehead, thinking. "Joseph, what color underwear am I wearing right now?"

Joey answered instantly, "Pink, duh! You always wear those on Mondays! And from your loose black shirt, I can tell it's a my-best-bras-are-in-the-wash day."

Phoebe grinned, giving him a reassuring hug. "See, Joey? We're fine."

"Thanks, that's been bothering me lately." Joey smiled back. They soon approached a newspaper stand. The two stopped, examining the various odds and ends for sale. Something caught his eye, "Hey, didn't you say you needed a new guitar pick?"

Phoebe stepped forward, spotting the small package. "Oh yeah! I wore my other one out when I was writing 'Homeless Person in the Street.'"

Joey nodded. "Catchy and political – a classic! Right up there with 'Smelly Cat.'"

"Joseph, Joseph," Phoebe patted him on the shoulder. "Thanks, but no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever compete with 'Smelly Cat.' That's a class all it's own."

Joey shook his head in understanding, then waited while Phoebe bought the guitar pick. A small squeak brought his attention to one of the low branches of a nearby tree. It was an average squirrel, brown with a huge bushy tail. It was staring at him with large, black eyes. "Hey, Pheebs! Come look at this squirrel! Cute little fella, isn't he?"

Phoebe went to his side, the small paper bag containing her guitar pick in her hand. She froze when she saw the animal her friend was referring to. "J-Joey, do you know what that is?"

Joey shrugged his shoulders, keeping his gaze on the squirrel. "Um, a cute little woodland creature?"

"Wrong!" Phoebe spat, instinctively backing up a few steps. "That, my friend, is an attack squirrel."

Joey did a double-take. "Really? How can you tell? Looks like any other squirrel."

"That's what they want you to think. See how it's just sitting there, staring?"

"Yeah."

Phoebe leaned in so that she could whisper in Joey's ear. "He's getting ready to pounce on us."

Joey lowered his voice to her level. "Why are we whispering?"

"Because we don't want him to know that we're on to his game!" Phoebe sighed, as if that fact should be obvious.

"Oh." Joey moved so that there was a normal space between them. He glanced at her, his face admiring. "How do you know all this?"

"I read." She shrugged when he once again nodded understandingly. "Now, if we are to escape his clutches, we need to run now."

"Why?"

"Joseph, don't you get it? Squirrels travel in families. He knows he's outnumbered two-to-one. In a few minutes he's going to go get the rest of his clan."

This was too much for even Joey. "Oh, come on, Phoebe – that little thing?"

Phoebe nodded vigorously. "Uh huh!"

"Then how come I didn't know this?"

"They only send for reinforcements once you've been looking at them for a while, like we are. Duh!" Phoebe explained, getting irritated. "And don't be fooled by its apparent innocence – do you have any idea how much it hurts to be hit with numerous acorns?"

"Wow," Joey breathed, "I totally didn't know."

"Well, now you do," Phoebe paused and glanced back at the squirrel. It was still staring at them. "Ok, any moment it'll run…"

"Do we have to wait like this, Pheebs? People are looking at us funny…" He trailed off, then gasped when the squirrel ran in the opposite direction. He and Phoebe watched in horror as it disappeared down the street. "Wow, I'm sorry I doubted you – "

"No time for that!" Phoebe exclaimed frantically, beginning to make a mad dash to Joey's apartment building and grabbing his arm in the process, dragging him along. "Run for your life!"