Author's Note: I do not own Evil Dead or Harry Potter. Evil Dead and all characters and settings belong to Renaissance Pictures and Sam Raimi. Harry Potter and all related characters and settings belong to J.K. Rowling.
This is my….Wandstick?
The wind howled as the very fabric of space time was being sucked into itself and Ash was holding on for dear life. Damn wizard, he should have told me that this would happen after I drank that potion. Ash thought. But the force became too great and once again Ash was sucked into a vortex, but this time back to his own time, or so he thought.
Ash landed on the ground in a forest. Well, there's some comfort. Woods, just what I need to fall into, more woods. He thought wryly. He hoped that the Necrinomicon hadn't followed him here either, but with his luck, it was here too. Ash picked himself up off the ground and checked his equipment. Boomstick, check. Severed arm, check. Chainsaw, check. Feeling safe, Ash started north and it wasn't long until he saw a cabin in front of him and behind that an enormous castle. Well, let's go see the locals. Ash thought walking up to the cabin.
Whoever lived in the cabin had to be at least 7 feet tall as the door to the cabin was that high. Ash knocked on the door. "Hello, anyone home?" he yelled. Suddenly the door opened and the biggest man Ash had ever seen came out. "Excuse me, Mr. Big and Tall, but I don't know where I am, could you help me out?" he asked.
Hagrid didn't know what to make of the crazy looking muggle outside his cabin. The man had on tattered clothes that had obviously seen better days. He also had a gun or whatever it was that the muggles called it on his back. But the weirdest thing about the stranger was the fact that he had a chainsaw where his right hand should have been. Looking at him warily, Hagrid replied "Well, I don't know if you should go up there but that school up yonder could help ye more than I could."
"Thanks, Andre the Giant." Ash quipped back. Great, on top of all my other worries now I have to go make nice with some snobby, preppy brats. Why me? Ash thought as he walked towards the school. He'd never heard of a school with it's own lake before. As he got closer Ash noticed some more unusual things. There was a large field with some hoops on poles way up high and there was also a gigantic tree that looked ominous. Ash hated trees, especially after what happened in the woods back home. A bird landed on the tree and just then it was sucked and devoured in a flash. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto. Ash thought…
The Great Hall was filled to the brim with students eagerly awaiting the start of a new term. One of them wasn't Ronald Weasley. Oh sure, he enjoyed school, but not for the classes rather he liked the company of his two closest friends Hermione Granger and Harry Potter. Hermione, in Ron's opinion, was the most drop dead gorgeous girl in the entire school and smart too. Of course the day Ron told this to Hermione would also be the day where he hugged a 10 foot bloody spider. Harry was the hero, the one everyone looked towards to save their bacon time and time again. Ron was the sidekick, but he didn't mind because he would be a mess if he was expected to be the savior of the wizarding world. Ron's favorite part of the first day of school was about to start, the feast, but first they had to listen to Dumbledore droning on and on about safety and where not to go. As if that will stop the three of us from doing any exploring or rule breaking- Suddenly there came a loud knocking at the door, breaking Ron's train of thought.
Ash pounded on the doors when all of a sudden they flung open, making him land on his butt. As Ash got back on his feet he had the feeling of thousands of eyes looking at him. There were rows and rows of teenagers all staring at him with mouth agape. There was also a very old man behind a pulpit and, seeming to be the head honcho, Ash said "Hey Gramps, what is this place?"
Dumbledore looked at this strange muggle wondering how he had even seen the castle. Obviously there was more to this man than met the eye. Clearing his throat he said "First, sir, would you enlighten us with your name and reason for being here?"
"I'm Ash Willams, House wares. And I just wondered up here to ask if you had a cup of sugar. Honestly Gramps, I'm just looking for a way back to Dearborn, Michigan." Ash said mockingly.
"Well…Ash, this place is a school for the instruction of witches and wizards in the ways of magic. Hogwarts is it's name and I'm Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster, though I don't know how you managed to get here or even find this location." Dumbledore said, quickly taking in the measure of the man. The strange muggle seemed okay, even though he was crude speaking. Yet there was something in his eyes that spoke of terrors beyond mortal understanding.
"Right, okay. Well let's just say I've had my share of experience with magic and none of it's been what I'd call a pleasure cruise. Look, if you can't help me, I'll just be on my way." Ash said, turning to head out the door.
"Wait, Mr. Williams I think we might be able to help you, but for now I'd like you to go to the village of Hogsmeade, right behind the school. Unfortunately, I can't let you stay in the school due to policy. Go to the inn called the Green Dragon and tell them I sent you. Later I'll send some students to hear about your past. I'm sorry for any trouble this causes." Dumbledore said.
"Oh, no it's okay, I just love going to strange villages and being gawked at by some teeny-boppers but since I don't really have any better ideas I'll take your advice." Ash said, charging out the door.
Ron was nervous. At first the year had gotten off to a great start but then some mad muggle came into the Great Hall and asked for help. It wasn't just the man's build that caused Ron's uneasiness but also the gun he had strapped to his back and the chainsaw where his right hand should be. And now to cap off the great start he, Harry, and Hermione were trudging along to listen to the muggle's mad tale under Dumbledore's orders. "Why does it always have to be us? You think Dumbledore would cut us some slack after what we've been through but no, he goes and sends us marching to a bloody lunatic." Ron complained.
"Honestly, Ronald don't be such a whiner. I, for one am very intrigued to see where this Ash fellow came from. Did you notice his eyes? In his eyes it looks like he was the victim of a dementor attack or something. It'll be fascinating finding out what caused that." Hermione said with a grin. The trio then came up to the Green Dragon Inn in Hogsmeade. The trio went up to the second story and knocked on Ash's door.
"It's open." Ash replied grouchily. Three kids came into his room. One had red hair, freckles, and blue eyes. Another had glasses, and a strange lightning-bolt shaped mark on his forehead. Kid's today and tattoos. Ash thought. The last person of the three was a girl with bushy hair and deep brown eyes. If you were only a few years older I'd pour on the old Ash charm but what are ya gonna do? "So, kiddos, you ready to hear old Uncle Ash's story? I gotta warn you it gets pretty graphic so try not to lose your lunch; you got that Red, Four eyes, and Shorty? Ash told the teenagers.
"Yes Mr. Willams, and please refrain from the nicknames. Are you a child?" Hermione said angrily.
"Okay, Mom. Sheesh, do you guys have to put up with this all the time? Man and I thought my girlfriends were bossy." Ash replied. "It all started when me and my girlfriend, Linda, went up to this cabin in the woods. We found this tape player next to this book. Playing the tape we found out that the book was the Necrinomicon Ex Mortis or Book of the Dead. It was bound in human flesh and inked in blood. The book had been found by a Professor Knowby who had translated the passages. The recording then went on to play those passages. Something came from the woods. Something evil and it took Linda. I had to dismember her because that's the only way to stop the possession and free the souls of the possessed. Then it came for my hand. It went bad so I chopped it off at the wrist. From there the Professor's daughter, Annie, showed up with some other people. They thought I had killed Knowby and they threw me in the cellar. Something was already down there with me. They let me out and we locked it back in there. One by one the spirits possessed everyone until only Annie and I were left. She used the passages in the book to send the evil back to where it came, but she was stabbed by my hand. Then I was sucked into the vortex. But my problems were just starting…"
The trio's jaws were wide open. Bloody Hell, Ron thought, how did he get through that sane? Ron looked at Harry and Hermione, trying to judge their reaction to this story. Hermione looked like she was on the verge of tears and Harry looked pale, even paler then the time Cedric Diggory had died. Ron swallowed hard.
"Go on with the story, Ash." Harry said.
"Alright, Four…er, Harry." Ash said, but there was no longer any mockery in his tone. "I landed in England in the year 1300 A.D. near a castle called Kandar. The lord of the castle took me prisoner and made me fight a Deadite, one of the people possessed by the evil. Well, I killed it then I enlightened those primitive screw heads. But, in order to get back home I had to find the Necrinomicon and recite some mumbo jumbo then the wizard of the castle would send me home. I kind of mispronounced the words and an army of skeletons came out from the communal cemetery. They were led by my evil doppelganger, Bad Ash. I hurried back to the castle, trained the primitives to fight and we killed all the skeletons and Bad Ash. Then the wizard gave me a potion to drink and another vortex appeared, and that's when I wound up here." Ash concluded looking wistfully into the fire as he finished.
"Ash, what happened to the book?" Hermione asked.
"I don't know. It might have followed me here. If that's the case we need to find it right away before some yahoo reads the passages." Ash said. "Anyway it's getting dark, why don't you guys head back to the school and I'll go with you."
Meanwhile at Hogwarts…
Malfoy was in the library, looking in the restricted section when he found this strange looking book. It had a face on the cover and it felt like human flesh. This will be perfect to scare Potter, Weasel, and the Mudblood. He thought. He rushed out of the school and towards Hogsmeade.
Ash was walking with the kids back towards the school because he had a bad feeling and if his experiences had taught him anything it was to listen to his gut. As the four were coming up to the castle, a blond haired kid ran right into them and in his hands he held the Necrinomicon. "Blondie, don't read that book. It's bad for your little mind." Ash said trying to grab the book from the kid.
Malfoy dodged and opened the book. "A muggle would try and tell me what to do?"
"Malfoy, you git if you read from that book you'll unleash something worse than You Know Who." Ron shouted.
"I don't need a lecture from a peasant telling me what I shouldn't do." Malfoy replied and with that he started to read the book.
There was a rustling in the woods and some force came out. It spied the one holding the book and possessed him. Malfoy was slammed onto the grass and lay still. The trio started towards him when Ash yelled "What the hell are you doing? We need to get someplace safe now!" Looking around Ash spied a house near the edge of Hogsmeade. Grabbing the kids and snatching the book from the unconscious boy, Ash ran towards the house and shut the door.
Serverus Snape was out policing the grounds when he came upon Draco Malfoy seemingly out cold. "Mr. Malfoy? Can you hear me boy?" Snape asked, prodding the boy. Suddenly the teen got up quicker than expected but something was different. He couldn't figure just what though.
"Professor, come into the woods. I think Potter is up to something." The Deadite said, using Malfoy's voice and memories. Just then it heard noises from behind Snape. Two gargantuan boys and an ugly girl were coming along the road. Reaching into the human's mind the deadite discovered that the three's names were Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy. More flesh for us. It thought. Waving to them, it told them to come with Snape and him to investigate what Potter was doing. Like the foolish creatures they were, they agreed and followed the two into the forest. Screams were heard and the trees rustled and then all was quiet until the 5 Deadites emerged from the woods. Now is the time to find the Book and obtain Life. Thought the spirit possessing Malfoy, and looking around it sensed the book wasn't very far away in a house. Time to feast…
In the Shrieking Shack, Ash looked at the trio. "Didn't you learn anything from what I told you?" he asked angrily, "Those things will get to you anyway they can. Don't trust what you see in them or hear when they are around. It's all a trick to get you to drop your guard. Magic won't work on them either." Ash said seeing that the three had pulled out their wands.
"How do you know, Ash?" Harry asked.
"Back at Kandar, the wizard had the same kind of wand you guys are using. All his spells didn't work. The Deadites shrugged them off. The only thing that can kill them is edged weapons like swords or axes and firearms. If you can create or summon those with your wands, do it now." Ash replied, "Also, we need to board every entrance to this place because that spirit out there will find some more friends to come play. They're after the Book, so we need to guard it." Saying this Ash started tearing up the floorboards and boarding the windows and door. Looking at the kids he saw that each had summoned weapons. Harry had a sword decked out in rupees while Ron had an axe and Hermione had another sword. Besides those they also had shotguns. Man I wish I could do that Ash thought. Then the trio cast a spell on their guns and Ash's that would give them unlimited ammo. Ash was so awed by this he could only reply in one way. "Groovy."
The five Deadites came up to the house and started pounding on the walls. Hermione was horrified to see who it was. "Harry, Ron come here. It's Snape, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy." She told them. But their appearance was something from the deepest pits of Hell. Each one had no pupils; instead the eyes that glared at them were pure white. Their nails were pointed and very sharp and their heads kept on twisting this way and that. Suddenly the pounding stopped and they heard voices.
"Filthy humans, why do you continue to defy us, we just want what is yours. Life, for we are the things that were and are and shall be again. Dead by Dawn, Dead by Dawn! Dead by Dawn!!!" the creatures cackled.
"The only thing you freak shows are here for is my foot up your ass!" Ash yelled back. Pointing his boomstick to the sound of the voices he pulled the trigger. Harsh growls came from the hole in the wall. Ash just smiled and fired again. This time there was no sound at all.
Outside Crabbe's corpse was resting on the ground, it's head blown off it's shoulders. The remaining four realized that the Chosen One was with them and decided on a new strategy. Destroy the Chosen through the children.
Ron was freaked out. Here he was in the Shrieking Shack about to be eaten by demons. Suddenly he saw Malfoy by the window upstairs. Going up he noticed that he was smirking at him. "Hello, Weasel how about letting me in?" Malfoy asked.
Ron went up to the window and looked Malfoy straight in the face. Reaching down he brought up his sword and impaled the creature thorough the heart. Hearing its death cries Ron took his shotgun and pointed it at his head. "Let this in, you spoiled brat." Ron said and pulled the trigger. The force of the blast made the monster's head explode like a ripe tomato. Turning around, Ron ran downstairs where some of the Deadites had busted in through the front door.
Ash was pissed. He was more than pissed he was angry and when he got angry he tended to do some pretty violent things. First coming to this wacko place and then Deadites attacking and now to cap off this sundae Ron had gone missing. Every time I tell them about the damn tricks these freaks pull and no one ever listens. He thought angrily. He was slicing through one of the Deadites, he forgot who it was Crabby or Boil or whatever; when he was shoved off his feet by a third coming behind the Deadite impaled on his saw. This one had a nose that made him look like a bird. The thing was just about to punch his face in when it looked down at it's stomach. "What's the matter Beak Nose, indigestion?" Ash quipped. Hermione and Harry had killed the girl Deadite and were running to help Ash when they stopped and looked up towards the stairs. Ron was there, holding a smoking shotgun. "About time you got back, Red. By the way, what took you?" Ash asked, slicing his chainsaw through Bird Nose's groin up to his head, bisecting the bastard.
"Just teaching a spoiled, smug, bastard the mistake of reading from that book." Ron told them. He was weary as were his friends. Ash got up and looked around.
"Well, now you all okay?" Ash asked.
"Okay, Okay? We just dismembered a teacher and 3 students; does that sound okay to you?" Hermione yelled, tears falling down her cheeks.
Ash just stood there, thinking. Finally he came up to Hermione and looked her straight in the face. "Listen up Shorty; we did what we could to stay alive. Nothing's wrong with trying to survive. I know these things used to be your schoolyard chums and teacher, but there is no coming back when one of these things takes you. Understand?" Ash said. Hermione just nodded and went downstairs. Ash and the boys followed her.
In the woods another spirit came out, feeling the air for where it's prey and the Book was. It slipped underneath the Whomping Willow, winding it's way along the underground path and stopped just before the cellar doors. It heard voices. Ah, young lovers. They make the perfect hosts. And what's this? They haven't even told each other yet. Perfect.
"Could you three please just leave me alone? I need sometime to come to grips with what we've done here tonight." Hermione asked tearfully. The three just stared at her. Ash then started looking through the Book trying to find the spell that would send him and the evil as far away from here as possible. Suddenly he straightened up and looked towards the cellar.
"We're not alone here, guys." Ash proclaimed, but just as he got the words out of his mouth the spirit struck. It went straight into Hermione. Why God? Why do I always get put in this situation? Ash thought raising his gun to save the girl's soul when a hand grabbed his shoulder. Whipping around Ash saw Harry had stopped him with a fierce look in his eye.
"Don't do it Ash." Harry said, trying to stop this man from killing his former friend. Ash struggled and broke free aiming for the head when Ron got in his line of sight, holding his arms out towards Hermione.
"Hermione, I know you can hear me. You've got to fight it." Ron said, tears streaming down his face. The Deadite looked at Ron with Hermione's soft, lovely eyes and started crying.
"Help me Ron; you said you'd always be there for me. Please don't kill me." The Deadite said using the memories to play on the foolish mortal's emotions. The boy got right in the creatures face when it let down it's façade. "Come here lover, give me a kiss. I'll make it better." The fiend said soulless eyes framed in a face from Hell.
Ron didn't know what to do. If Hermione could hear him, why was she not responding? He knew he got through to her, he was always able to, ever since they started school together. But now what do I do? What are we supposed to do? She'll never laugh again or read or boss me around. I'll never get to dance with her or fight or protect her. Ron thought morosely. Then, he knew what he had to do. Wrapping his arms around the Deadite, he said softly "I love you, Mione. Come back, I can't do anything without you. Don't leave me alone!"
Hermione floated through a black world devoid of anything. Her life was flashing before her eyes. She saw herself on the Hogwarts Express meeting Harry for the first time and then fast forwarding through all their adventures together. And…Ron, there were so many things I was so afraid to tell you. I was afraid to say I loved you because I couldn't bear the thought of being rejected. I was a coward. And now…now…I never will know how you feel about me… Suddenly light filled her mind and she heard Ron's voice softly whispering "I love you, Mione. Come back, I can't do anything without you. Don't leave me alone…" Hermione suddenly found herself being hugged by Ron who had his head right next to her face. "Ron…I love you too." She said hugging him back just as fiercely.
Ron was ecstatic. This was it, the defining moment of his life. All the rest of his life paled in comparison to this, like a cloudy day suddenly breaking up with sunlight. He just held her, knowing now that everything would be okay because they had each other.
Ash saw the spirit leave Hermione and sighed. Thank you, Lord. He thought, then he and Harry took Ron and Hermione upstairs and Ash finished the spell. Instantly a vortex appeared and sucked the Evil Dead in. Ash pointed his boomstick at the book and pulled the trigger. The Book exploded into fiery scraps of paper. Then the four went out the front door and back to Hogwarts.
Albus Dumbledore meditated on what the four friends had told him. He grieved for the loss of Serverus and the other students but he realized that nothing could have been done. "Well, Mr. Willams I've found a way to get you back to your world. When you want to leave, just say the word and I can get you home." Dumbledore said.
"Thanks Gramps, but before I go I've got to have a word with these guys here." Ash said. He went up to Harry and put his hand on his shoulder. "Thanks to you Four eyes, now I know not to give up on people. I thought I'd lost that." Going over to Ron, Ash said "Red, I'm sorry for doubting you and Shorty there, but hey I was worried about you. Thanks for helping me out." And lastly Ash turned towards Hermione, "Shorty, thanks for making me realize that people aren't beyond helping, no matter what happens." Then he swept her off her feet and got right up in her face. "Hail to the King, baby." Ash said smooching Hermione on the lips. Ash then turned towards Dumbledore and said "Gramps, better cast that spell out by the lake cause I'm going to be running." Ash quickly ran out of the room followed in hot pursuit by Ron who was shouting "You bastard! Only one person can kiss Mione and that's me!" Ash made it to the portal leaving Ron winded and tired. Harry, Hermione, and Dumbledore all laughed as the sun shone down on the school.