The first part of this story was written after HBP was published. The purpose of this story is to show Snape as a teenager, he's in love with Lily, he's warm hearted and good however he takes wrong decisions in moments of anger. The years are as accurate as possible however the days are random. There are two parts to this story, the first part ends with Lily's death and the second one takes place during Harry's years in Hogwarts. The second part was written after the release of the Deathly Hallows and contains facts relating to the book.
Hope you enjoy my story!!!
THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE'S DIARY
November 2nd 1976
Keeping a diary, this is so mugglish, but I don't think I can keep this hidden anymore. I have never told anyone but if I don't talk about it I'm going to explode. That's why I've chosen the blank pages of this book, that was originally meant to be a Herbology textbook but that I managed to nick before printing, to be my secret-keeper, because they will be the only ones that will listen to all I have to say without judging, without mocking or laughing.
"Sweetie, don't make the same mistake I did, please promise me you won't fall for a muggle or anyone with a muggle family background" My mother told me over and over again when I was growing up.
"Don't worry mum" I answered firmly "That will never, never happen" I said at least a hundred times. Well I guess you should never say never.
My mother always made sure I wouldn't forget my promise, that's why she retold me frequently her tragic life-story so I could learn from it. I'll transcript it for you.
"Eileen, please understand what I'm telling you" my father told me scoldingly "Tobias is a muggle, he will never accept you for who you are"
"Yes he will" I yelled back "Because he loves me as much as I love him"
"He will never understand our world" my mother used to tell me in a sweeter voice than my father. "No one with a muggle background can understand"
"He'll adapt, he promised me" I said crying to my mother.
"No he won't sweetie" my mother told me as she put her hand on my shoulder trying to comfort me "Trust us, we lived much more than you have, we know better."
"But I love him" I said sobbing into my mother arms.
"That's enough Eileen!" yelled my father. "You'll marry with whom we've chosen, and that's it. End of the discussion." said my father infuriated.
"No!!" I screamed at my father "I won't"
"But Eileen, you couldn't wish for a better candidate, he's rich, famous, with a bright future, but most important he is a pure-blood, not a single muggle in his family background" said my mother trying to convince me. "Muggles disturb family lines, even muggle borns do because when they enter a magic family line they diminish the quality of performance in the family, because they will never be half as a talented as pure-bloods"
"They are a stain to the magic world" said my father disdainfully "Filthy mud-bloods" he muttered more to himself than to me "If a mud-blood is a disgrace to any family" he looked at me with pure rage in his eyes "What do you think a muggle is?!" He roared furiously
"I will marry him!!" I screamed and ran out to my bedroom.
"You'll regret it!!" shouted my father after me.
My mother did marry my father, and my grandfather disowned her, especially because somehow the Daily Prophet got wind of it and published an article regarding her engagement, making public what my grandfather thought was an extremely shameful event.
And how has her life… our life… been? Hell.
My grandfather was right, he never understood our world, he always called my mother abnormal and freak, always screamed at her and blamed her for all the things that went wrong in his life. I used to lock myself in my room and tried really hard to shut out every noise, every voice and every feeling, because I was deeply resented to both of them, my father for being such a violent and insensitive man and my mother for not having the strength to defend herself. Slowly he managed to drain all her self-confidence, making her unable to perform magic, because even today that my father has been dead for three years, she can't perform the simplest of spells.
At first I started blocking all this because I wanted to protect myself, but as time flew by I started doing it at will, that's why when I arrived at Hogwarts, I was already an Oclumens, although I wasn't half as good as I am now.
I arrived at Hogwarts happy to have escaped my life at home, but here I found another kind of hell. Since the very first moment James Potter laid eye on me he loathed me, I don't know the reason but I don't care. He has a gang, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, they call themselves "The Marauders"
Since the very first day he has made every possible attempt to make my life here unbearable, and in many occasions… he has achieved it. But someday I'll get revenge for every little thing he has ever done to me.
The Marauders are always getting themselves in trouble, big trouble, escaping expulsion narrowly, but someday I'll find a prove strong enough to get them out of here, and I'm getting near something, Remus disappears constantly, he hides something, and I'm going to find out what it is.
I also arrived at this school hating every single muggle-born there is, my grandfather was right they are stain to the magical world. I was determined to keep the promise I had made my mother about never falling for any muggle related.
But today what I said would never happen has happened, I don't know how it happened, but I cannot deny it any longer, I'm in love with the muggle-born, Lily Evans. She's a tall, thin girl with thick red hair that fells to her shoulders but what I like most of her are her almond-shape green eyes. I have never seen such beautiful eyes.
Suddenly I found myself feeling myself feeling nervous around her, hoping I would run into her while we do rounds at night, she's a prefect for Gryffindor House, smiling whenever I thought of her. When I realised what all of this meant, I got very mad at myself, how after all I had lived, could I allow myself have feelings for a muggle-born, it was simply unforgivable.
Ever since that day I've tried to get over these feelings, and sometimes I think I have achieved it, but the minute I see her green almond-eyes I realise these feeling are not gone. And they have grown to the extent that today I have no choice but to admit, I'm deeply in love with her.
I no longer know if what I'm feeling is right or wrong because she is a muggle-born and I know, for my own experience, the consequences it can bring, but when I look at her I cannot see her diminishing in any away a family blood-line, on the contrary she is so bright and has so much to give. She cannot possibly be categorised as my grandfather used to say "a stain in the magical world" And every time I call her mud-blood, because that's the way I've addressed her ever since I found out she was a muggle-born, I'm hurting myself more than I hurt her.
In a curious twist of fate she's the girl James wants the most, but she's the girl that dislikes James the most, and few of the ones that have resisted him, because as much as I hate to admit it, he's very popular, because he's mildly good at playing Quidditch.
November 12, 1976.
I followed Remus through the grounds. Where was he going? The night was too dark, even though there was a full moon, its light couldn't go through the thick black clouds, so I lost track of him. I gave up and was about to turn back to the castle when suddenly that murderer appeared from nowhere.
"You really want to know…" said Sirius with a crooked smile on his face. "you just have to prod the knot on the tree trunk of the Whomping Willow with a long stick and you'll be able to get in… follow the corridor" he finished and then disappeared.
I doubted for long seconds, what was the trick in this… I should've imagined it, after all he's a member of the Black family, but today I realise that he's even more evil than Bellatrix and Regulus.
Still, I did what he told me, I never thought it would actually work, I thought the tree was going to go wilder, surely he just wanted the tree to attack even more fiercely than usual, but to my surprise, it suddenly became steady. I desperately started looking for an entrance, before the tree began attacking again, and I found one. I crawled in, and slid down a slope to the bottom of a very low tunnel, I started walking made a turn right and suddenly at the end of the corridor I saw a room, the door was half-open, and something seemed to be roaring inside, a beast with clawed paws and dark-yellow hair, but I couldn't tell what it was, it was too dark. I was going to get closer to get a better look so I started walking, when suddenly someone pulled my arm so hard that I lost my balance and would've fallen to the floor if another hand wouldn't have supported me by the shoulder, I looked up and to my complete horror, it was James Potter.
"Severus don't… come back, its too dangerous" said James anxiously. I immediately released myself from his grip, I was disgusted, how dare he lay a hand upon me.
"Don't touch me!!" I yelled. The roaring in the back became louder, but now more than ever I was determined to find out what was there, so I started walking with giant steps, to escape James grip in case he attempted to hold me back again. I had only given three steps when I again felt James tight grip on my arm, but now I could see the clear silhouette of the beast… it was werewolf… and it had laid eyes upon me…it's black eyes were fixed on me… I froze, I couldn't think… everything became slow motion… the werewolf gave a big leapt towards me, he was going to attack me, to sink his claws on me and to bite me… to death. When suddenly a flash of green light made the door slam shut hitting the werewolf in the face. The beast roared louder than ever in both pain and anger, and it was not going to stop until he tore the door down.
"Come on!!" yelled James and gave a hard pull on my arm. We ran as hard as we could through the dark corridor that now seemed endless, we could still hear the howls of the beast… it's the scariest sound I've ever heard in my life, I'm trembling just to remember it.
Suddenly I felt the grass of the grounds again, we were safe. I was panting; I closed my eyes to calm myself, when suddenly everything made sense… the beast… the worewolf… was Remus… I opened my eyes and looked up at James and smiled wickedly.
"Severus…" he said with such an alarmed face, I had never seen him so scared. "you have to listen to me…"
"Everyone will know… I swear" I said filling with sudden joy. It was going to be a sweet revenge.
"No you can't tell anyone!!" James said clearly shaking… with fear.
I laughed; I was starting to enjoy my victory.
"Students out of bed!!" bellowed a voice behind us, I turned and to my horror there was Argus Filch. He grabbed us both and dragged us into the castle and at the door we stumbled with Headmaster Dumbledore.
"These students were wandering off!!" said Filch clearly enjoying himself for having caught us.
James desperately tried to loosen his grip from Filch, with a crazy look on his face. "Severus knows" he muttered under his breath, Dumbledore frowned. Filch gave James a tighter grip "Remus" he muttered again. The Headmaster turned to see me, he was astonished, he opened his mouth to tell me something, but instead addressed to Filch.
"Take them to my office." said Dumbledore with an even but firm voice. Argus couldn't look happier, of course, he thought that Dumbledore would punish us personally for wandering off… he doesn't even imagine.
"What happened?" asked Dumbledore, when we were in his study alone. He was eyeing us both with a very severe look.
Dumbledore listened carefully to the story and then remained quiet for several minutes.
"Severus…" he started very calmly "you must understand that Remus situation is very difficult for him."
"He tried to kill me!!" I yelled "Along with Black!!" I was absolutely fuming, how could Dumbledore over look something like that.
"He did not try to kill you" Dumbledore said calmly. The tranquillity in his voice just made me feel more enraged. "You know that werewolves loose their personality when they transform. He didn't know who you were when he tried to attack you"
"He knew I would go…" I said boiling in anger "He planned it along with Black!! They are both a couple of…"
"Watch your mouth!!" interrupted Dumbledore with the hardest tone I've ever heard him.
"I don't think it was planned…" continued Dumbledore more evenly; he looked at James who was standing behind me.
"No it wasn't" said James quietly "I mean when Sirius told me what he had just done, he laughed" I turned to see James full of fury and for an instant a flicker of fear crossed his face. "He just thought of it as a practical joke." continued James with a fake apologetical tone in his voice. The only thing he wanted was to win Dumbledore over, so he pretended to be ashamed for Black's action… a clear attempt of murder.
"Very thoughtless…" said Dumbledore with a hard tone in his voice to James, he stared at the floor. His attitude made me feel beyond furious, James was there pulling an act of guilt to win Dumbledore's good will.
"But I don't think Sirius intended you any real harm" said Dumbledore to me. I turned to see him; I couldn't believe what I was hearing… Dumbledore was defending Sirius, I won't deny it hurt me profoundly and that eyed him resentfully. .
"What!!" I yelled. I had completely lost my temper "Are you going to ignore the fact that he tried to--"
"Enough!!" said Dumbledore impatiently.
"Sirius careless joke won't go unpunished" continued Dumbledore trying to sound reassuring "I promise you" he finished
To be honest, I was so disappointed by Dumbledore's attitude toward Sirius, that I no longer cared what he said; I just wanted to get out of there.
"But Severus, I want you to promise me you won't say anything about Remus" said Dumbledore in a tone that tried to sound conciliating. I didn't answer, just looked around his office, I was very angry.
"Severus" said Dumbledore looking really hard into my elusive eyes "I'm forbidding you to tell anyone" he made a special emphasis in the "I'm forbidding" part "Do you understand me?" he finished in a sharp tone.
"Yes, sir" I answered in an unfriendly tone and still without meeting his eyes.
"Do I have your word?" asked Dumbledore still looking fixedly into my eyes.
"Yes, sir" I repeated, this time I did look at him, but rather coldly.
"I don't trust him" said James loudly and stepping forward "Make him do an Unbreakable Vow"
"That won't be necessary" said Dumbledore recovering his usual calmed tone and turning to see James.
"But sir" started James sounding rather desperate "he won't keep his word, he'll---"
"I trust Severus word" interrupted Dumbledore "he won't say anything"
James turned to see me with a distrustful look on his face, I smiled giving him every hint that I will indeed tell everyone… the look on his face was so enjoyable.
But to tell the truth, no, I won't say anything, even though Dumbledore's attitude disappointed me deeply, his trust means everything to me, and I would never do anything that might jeopardise his faith in me.
But being forced to keep this secret is not what hurts me the most of tonight's events… what I'm about to write is perhaps the most painful thing I'll ever write… I owe my life to…James Potter… it's killing me to admit this… but if he hadn't been there, I would have not lived to tell the tale. I would've walked right into the werewolf if he hadn't stopped me the first time and the second time when the werewolf leapt towards me, I thought I was going to die, I was so frightened I couldn't move. So yes, if it hadn't been for the arrogant, self-centred, and unbearable James Potter I would not be here tonight. My hand is quivering as I write this… but I'm indebted to him.