11th story in this series of Gabriel. He's not doing too well in this one. Bad day. Thankfully Sam is there to help him through it. There is references in this one to 50 Shades of Grey being abuse, not BDSM. It's abuse masquerading as BDSM. Mind you, I had to listen to Mark Reads 50 Shades to get through the whole thing, because I couldn't even get up to the sex in the books without quitting from the bad. Same with Twilight for that matter, lol. Said because Gabriel finds himself relating to Ana in this story.
Hitting the Wall
It was bound to happen eventually.
While he did have good days strewn through the bad, most were still bad and his anxiety still tended to be high, especially when surrounded by the others still living in the bunker. The nightmares were a mix now between so horrific he can't go back to sleep and ended with him rocking in a corner, clutching at his knees and unable to speak, while the others tended to spook him awake.
He was exhausted emotionally which led to him trying to sleep even though he probably no longer needed to if he hadn't been through Hell and back. Not using his Grace wasn't so much a problem for him. He'd spent most of his life suppressing it so far inside that he could pass as a Pagan God with no hint of angel.
His exhaustion got the best of him while he was curled up in a chair in the library, reading one of the racier books he could find. 50 Shades of Grey may not be the best or in any way a good story. He could probably write better romance, and definitely better smut. He was largely attuned to abuse now though and he was having a hard time thinking of any of it sexy when he saw himself too much in Ana.
He could feel how badly it was getting to him but he still continued to read, until he eventually just fell asleep where he was.
One of the women refugees must have spotted the book in his hands and tried to get it off him without waking him up from his sudden nap. The problem with that was he was too wired to accept touch of any kind at any time without permission first, especially when his defences were down. There was no worse time to touch him than while he was sleeping.
His eyes flew open, he let out a strangled yelp and dove for the nearest bookshelf to hide behind. In such a big, open room there weren't too many good hiding spots unless he wanted to crawl under a table, but there were chairs that could be used to cut him off and as potential weapons.
He heard but didn't see the thud behind him as he ran for his inefficient hiding spot, but his mind was so full of panic and the need to get away that it didn't register.
He huddled in his corner, pinned against the wall and the bookshelf, making himself as small as he possibly could. He was gaining his Grace back and the last thing he wanted was it to be taken again. His hands kept going from wrapped around his knees to clutching at his neck to hide it from anyone with the right type of extraction tools.
It took him longer than it by rights should for his brain to register anything other than the fear of punishment for reading when he wasn't allowed. For daring to fall asleep outside his cage. Or any other reason Asmodeus could come up with to torment him further.
"Gabriel? Gabriel, can you hear me?"
He blinked and tried to focus on the figure in front of him, who was speaking softly in a low voice he knew was familiar and safe.
His eyes didn't want to stay on one thing though, still trying to keep eyes on everything in the room.
"Gabriel, you are no longer with Asmodeus. You are free now, remember?"
He blinked again, his eyes going back to that figure and this time he managed to focus. It was Castiel. Asmodeus never took on other forms around him, preferring to do all his tormenting as himself instead of others.
Slowly he settled down again, coming out of the blind panic that held him. He became aware that he was shaking. He took a deep breath and let out a cough. He must have been making noises and not been aware. His throat was sore and dry.
Castiel held out a glass of water to him. He took it carefully with both hands, not wanting to drop it. He quickly drained it of its contents, before putting the glass down beside him on the floor.
He closed his eyes and sighed. "What happened?"
"You panicked."
He rolled his eyes and glared at his too literal young brother. "I know that, I meant what happened while I was busy trying to merge with the books and wall?"
Castiel tilted his head and frowned. "Heidi will make a full recovery. She was not injured badly, just shocked and a little bruised."
Gabriel frowned. "Wait, what? What happened to her?"
Castiel closed his eyes. "You accidentally threw her into the wall using your Grace."
He sucked in his breath and felt his eyes widen. "Oh shit! I was just reading and next thing I know I'm here..."
"Yes, she tried to get the book you were holding out of your hands without waking you and failed."
"Aww, crap. Now I have to go and apologise. Damn it, why does this keep happening?! Why aren't I..." he didn't want to finish that sentence, because it would feel too much like giving up and he wanted to get on with his life, not let the torture he went through win. It was getting harder to remember that the longer this crazy rollercoaster of panic and flashbacks and anxiety went on.
He wanted off the damn ride, already. He needed a break, to feel like normal. But he didn't even know what normal was anymore, considering he had to give up on being Loki and he hadn't been the Messenger of God for so long he didn't know if he could even name himself that any longer.
What use was he to anyone anymore? All he was good at was being wrecked goods.
He felt like he was getting worse off after getting out than he had been living life not knowing when the next torture session in whatever way it would take shape would happen.
"Why is everything so hard right now?!" he stated, voice raised enough to draw the attention of the Winchesters who were sitting nearby, probably keeping an eye on him after he hurt one of their guests.
He felt like he was about to get kicked out and his breathing took a sudden turn towards hyperventilation.
"Gabriel? No, don't panic again, please."
"You're going to throw me out! You're...shit. What am I going to do?!"
His voice had gone all high and shrill but he couldn't stop that from happening. He had his own room here. One he could enter and exit whenever he wanted and people only went in when he gave them permission or to help calm him down after a nightmare or flashback.
"Throw you out? Why would we throw you out?"
"I...I hurt that girl. Heidi. She didn't do anything wrong and I threw her into a wall."
Sam got up and slowly walked to where he was still sitting. Soon enough the moose of a man was sitting in front of him, hunched over so he looked smaller. "Hey, we're not throwing you out. We're just worried that you're not doing too well today. Do you want to go for a walk outside with me? Some sunshine might do you some good. You haven't been outside since the drive into town."
He frowned, because it had been two weeks since that time and he hadn't once gone outside. Doing so sounded good. "Okay. As long as you let me back in at the end. I want my room..."
Sam smiled at him. "Don't worry, your room will still be there when we go back inside."
Taking a few deep breaths, he accepted the hand Castiel held out to get him back on his feet and together the three of them went for the door that led outside.
"Cass, you want to stay and keep Dean out of trouble?"
Gabriel frowned at that, but kept his mouth shut, when Dean piped up himself.
"Shut up Sammy, I'm no trouble at all. I'll just sit here and read Gabe's book of choice," the older Winchester brother said, with a grin, while showing off the book cover.
Sam grimaced beside him. "Okay, you want to read some smut that isn't abusive, I can find you something much better than 50 Shades."
Gabriel nodded. "Yeah, I thought it would be fun and I should have stopped reading as soon as I realised it wasn't. I could probably write better than that."
Sam laughed. "Maybe you should! It would give you something good to focus on."
Gabriel tilted his head and seriously thought of that idea. Hmm, he did generally do all right with words, after all. Maybe he really would be good at it and it was something he hadn't tried yet. Maybe he could write some filthy smut while throwing some romance in. Maybe Sam would like it.
The more he thought of it, the better he felt and he began to get excited about trying it out. "Before that though, I was promised sunshine."
He and Sam went for the door, while Castiel stayed where he was, staring at the book cover, a puzzled look on his face.
Before they were out of hearing range, he heard his young sibling ask if there were tentacles involved in 50 Shades of Grey. He didn't know if it was supposed to have the effect it did, but he laughed as the door outside closed behind him.
"Why would Cassie ask if there were tentacles in the book?"
Sam grinned and shook his head. "Dean likes tentacle porn. And he is not ashamed of it at all."
Gabriel blinked at that one. He'd have to remember that for later. He could have some fun with that. There wouldn't be any of that in his book though. He would stick to the normal human body parts. At least he knew how those worked.
Hmm, he'd have to watch something with tentacles in it just to see what it was like now, but last he remembered it was in Japan and was very...
"Gabe?"
"Hmm?" he asked, turning to look at Sam, who had gotten to his knees in front of him. He was crouched down by the side of the road.
"You blanked out on me for a bit."
He closed his eyes and sighed. "Sorry. That book just...I mean before I would like something like that if it was consensual. But...with it being abusive does consent even matter? I mean...at one stage Ana said no, but was she saying no to the sex, or no to him taking her shoes off? In the end it doesn't matter, because he does both anyway, and she was all trussed up and couldn't...she couldn't stop him and he just kept going. He wouldn't...he didn't stop, Sam. And I couldn't stop him. And I never knew what would happen next, or when. He made it so I couldn't speak, I couldn't use my hands. I couldn't use my Grace. I didn't know what to do and it was friends I thought I could trust who sold me into that."
"Hey, you got out. You survived. And it's going to be hard and horrible for a while until you process it. And even then, it will stay with you forever. But you're already getting better, though I don't think you've noticed it."
He frowned at that. "Better? How am I getting better?"
"You've had more good days this week than you have had the past three. Today's just been a really bad day and bad days like today tend to make you forget the good. You've got yourself a support system here and you can talk to us. And while I don't know exactly what happened to you, I can share some of my own experiences of being locked in the cage with Lucifer and Michael."
Gabriel stared at the man in front of him and slowly leaned forward until he was leaning against him. "I think if I heard that, I'd probably end up having a bad reaction, so thanks for not going into it. Rowena's been hinting at things Lucifer did to her too. Seems my big bro tends to like messing with people. If he hadn't tried to murder me, I never would have gotten captured in the first place, but it wasn't him who did this to me. But Asmodeus did say he was taught by Lucifer personally. And by personally I mean everything he did to me was done on him..."
"That doesn't make it any better."
He nodded at that one. "Yeah I know that. I guess it was one of the reasons I freaked out so much over Heidi. What if I become like him, as he became what he is because of Lucifer?"
Sam shook his head and wrapped his arms around him. "That's not going to happen. You care too much about people to hurt anyone on purpose. It was just an accident, Gabriel."
He sighed loudly. "Yeah, because I've never tortured anyone before."
Sam shook his head. "You were trying to ram lessons into people's heads through the route open to you as Loki. You didn't do it as a way to continue doing it indefinitely. Not even with me. And while it was a really shitty thing you did to me, I understand why you did it."
Gabriel swallowed at that and shifted further into Sam's arms. "I'm sorry. I'll never do anything like that again, I promise."
Sam laughed gently into his hair. "I'm glad you won't do it again. Though a private getaway in a personal bubble of space outside the rest of the world that isn't TV Land may be good at one point."
Gabriel smiled at that one. "Maybe when I am a bit stronger and can do that again, I will go with you. I need a break from everything right now...Shit, you're right, I am having a really bad day today."
"Hey, it's okay to have really bad days after what you went through. It's okay to be freaking out. I'd be worried if you weren't."
That one made Gabriel blink. Was this really that normal that it would worry people if he wasn't all over the place? Huh. "It makes me feel weak. In a non Grace type way."
"Hey, you're not weak. If you were weak, you would have never come out of your own head. You never would have survived. Well, you probably wouldn't have died, since only an Archangel can apparently kill an Archangel, but he did have your Grace. Maybe it would have equated to the same thing."
A cold chill ran through Gabriel and even with the sun shining brightly down on him, he felt himself shivering at the thought. Asmodeus probably could have killed him any time, because he had the majority of his Grace inside him.
"Sam, I think I'm going to be sick..."
Sam moved him around so he was facing the ground. He kept those big strong arms wrapped around hm. He wasn't sick, but the feeling he was going to wouldn't quit. "Uuuugh, I think I'm going to go lie down. I'm really nauseous right now..."
"Okay. I'll get you a book that isn't sex focused, so you can read for a while in privacy."
He nodded at that. At least if he fell asleep with a book this time he wouldn't be harming anyone. "Okay..."
He didn't get as much of that sun he had wanted, but talking in even the vaguest terms tended to screw him over emotionally. He hoped that got better with time too.
He'd apologise to Heidi later on when he was feeling better.
Right now all he wanted to do was lie down and focus on not feeling like crap.