Chapter One – He Still Is
He'd been thinking about her since the day he left and even ten years after the day she yelled at him, pushed him out the door and told him to leave.
The day he got back to New York was full of mixed emotions. Panic. Fear. Anger. Sam decided to tell Lorraine about everything he'd done while he was in Greece, and he remembered to include the fact he was in a relationship with Donna during his stay. The words failed to fall on deaf ears. Lorraine was heated. She cussed, cried, called him a cheating bastard and 'nothing but an idiot,' and then they got married months after.
The wedding was held at a church in Brooklyn. It was a nothing but a small gathering with close friends and family. There was a band that played a bunch of songs – especially about love and commitment, and Sam was sure Lorraine picked that kind of music just to make him feel guilty. He did feel guilty. Their wedding day was supposed to be the happiest day of their life, a way to start a journey together. Marriage, maybe raising kids, and on top of it all, growing old together after facing so many ups and downs.
But during the ceremony, during the vows and the reception, during the bride and groom's first dance, he wasn't thinking about Lorraine. He wasn't thinking about the fact he was going to wake up to her face every day, and the first thing we was going to smell every day was the horrid morning breath and the first thing he was going to see was her naturally straight red hair going in all different directions because she didn't sleep particularly well the night before.
He wasn't thinking about Lorraine. He was thinking about Donna. Even days after at the honeymoon. Lorraine had a feeling she was on his mind, but she pushed it aside. If he really wanted Donna, he would be with her, wouldn't he? If he wanted her so bad, why did he come back? He never really told her what happened when he went back to Greece during the break up between the time he told her and the wedding itself.
Their first-born son, Timothy Carmichael, was conceived on a January morning. When Lorraine told him that she was pregnant, he was happy. He was excited. They went out for dinner that night to celebrate, and then weeks later, when the risk of miscarriage decreased, they told their families and friends. Lorraine's parents knew about Sam and Donna, and they weren't elated. They put on fake smiles and congratulated the couple and later pondered why Lorraine could possibly want to have a baby with a man that had a fling with another woman weeks before the wedding.
After all the hype died down, Sam found himself setting the nursery up when Donna popped up back in his mind. It didn't feel random, out of place. She'd always been there at the back of his mind, but the joys of becoming a father for the first time (that he knew of) distracted him from the ache in his heart due to missing her. Missing her came in waves, and sometimes he found himself drowning. He would try to distract himself, either by painting the walls a teal green or building the crib for the child.
It continued after their son was born.
As he stared at his blue-eyed baby boy, who had so much hair it was unbelievable, he wondered what it'd be like to have a kid with Donna. Would it be a son like Timothy, who would keep his parents up all night and always want something to play with no matter the hour of the day? Or would it be a daughter he could spoil and treat like a princess, and threaten boys who wanted anything to do with her? What would it be like to have a child with Donna?
It continued after their second son came along three years later, and on their fifth wedding anniversary, and any moment where he was busy at work, simply at home, or out on the town.
He was always with Lorraine, but he wasn't always with her. Donna was always on his mind, and it wasn't right to be with someone when you're wanting someone else.
Which is why on a cold evening in December, he pulled into the garage and took a moment to stare at the divorce papers sitting in the passenger seat. This was his ticket out of the vows he made to woman he stood across from and said 'I do' to all those years ago when he most likely never meant it. He loved Lorraine but didn't love her like he loved Donna. That was different.
The garage door opened, and he saw one of his sons staring at him, head tilted as though wondering what was taking him so long. Timothy, aged seven, walked out in nothing but his pajamas and Sam knew that he would have to get out and go in at some point. There was no avoiding this – not anymore. Something had to be done. Sam opened the car door, got out, and picked Timothy up to hug him.
"Hi, Dad. You're home late." The kid may be young, but he could certainly tell time. At least when it came to the time his dad was supposed to get home. Timothy always liked it when his dad was around, although that would probably end soon. "Mom's getting mad."
"Oh, splendid." The words were drenched in obvious sarcasm as Sam put Timothy down and ordered him to go inside before he caught a cold. Sam closed the door and walked to the other side, He put the divorce papers in his briefcase before taking it out and slamming the door, going around the car to go into the house.
It was warm, the heater having been on for a while. Sam walked into the living room to find Lorraine struggling to Bentley into his pajamas. The four-year-old was never happy about bed time or getting dressed which made it hard to handle him sometimes. She looked up at Sam standing in the doorway and once she got Bentley dressed for bed, she cleared her throat. "Go kiss your dad goodnight, and then it's bedtime for you."
"Is Timothy going to bed, too?" He stared his mother down.
"No. He doesn't have to go to bed right now."
"Why?" Bentley's lip quivered. "That's not fair, Mom!"
Lorraine looked to Sam for help, obviously exhausted and tired juggling two kids when it came to bedtime. He always tried to make it home in time to help her. Sam caught Bentley's attention and called him over to the couch. "Here's the deal. If you go to bed right now, you can stay up for an extra ten minutes tomorrow night, alright?"
Bentley got excited. "Really, Dad?"
"Really." Bentley made a mad dash for his bedroom and slammed the door behind him, causing the picture frames on the wall to shake a little. Sam rose from the couch as Lorraine grabbed the empty cups around the living room and walked to the kitchen to do the dishes.
She was giving him the cold shoulder. This happened often when he was late coming home from work, and he was growing tired of it. She put a few knives in the dishwasher. "What kept you?"
"I had to finish up a few floorplans." Should he take the divorce papers out of his briefcase or wait until he has the right moment to bring it up? He'll wait until the boys are asleep, if it was possible to wait that long. He helped Lorraine with the dishes and then they went to go tuck Bentley in for bed, mainly to check on him. They were trying to get him started on going to bed on his own rather than Lorraine or Sam helping him.
Bentley was asleep, or at least faking. They'll never know. Timothy fell asleep on the floor in front of the TV in the living room, and while Lorraine pulled the sheets of the bed back, Sam carried him to his bedroom and they tucked him in. Eventually, the time came down to it. He watched as Lorraine got ready for bed in front of the vanity in their bedroom.
Her reddish-brown hair cascaded down her back in waves and she slowly removed her makeup as Sam just stood there, staring at her. She could tell he was holding something, and he looked nervous. There were visible beads of sweat running down his face. Lorraine finished and stood, turning to him. "What's wrong?"
"Lorraine," How should he start? Does he slowly rip the band-aid off, telling her how much he loves her before saying that he still loves Donna? Or does he quickly say it, getting the heartbreak over with quickly and cutting straight to the yelling that would partake and most likely wake one or both boys up? Timothy has always been a light sleeper, and with Bentley, it depended on how tired he was. Most nights, a tornado could blow through the house and he'd still be sleeping. Some nights, he'd wake up at the sound of a pen dropping on the carpet floor. Sam gulped. "You are an amazing woman, and I've always loved you for it. Thank you for being understanding through all the times where I made an ass of myself."
"But." Lorraine had a feeling in her gut that she knew what was coming. Her lips tightened into a straight line and she let out a sharp breath. There was always a 'but' when someone says something remotely close to this. She'd been through a few breakups during her time on Earth and starting out by telling the other person how great they are just to spare her feelings. This was the prime example of it.
He took a deep breath before holding out the divorce papers. "I want a divorce."
"How come?" She knew why, but she wanted to hear him say it.
"I never wanted to hurt you when I came back and told you about Donna, and for years, I've tried to convince myself that I wasn't in love with her…"
Lorraine sat on the foot end of the bed, crossing her leg and looking up at him with an eyebrow arched. She finished for him. "But you are?" A scoff. "You still are."
Sam nodded. The night continued, and he was grateful that Lorraine didn't want to wake the boys up which meant there was hardly any screaming; otherwise, there'd be trouble getting them back to sleep, the whole neighborhood would be disturbed, and they'd have to hear complaints repeatedly while the nosy people in town tried to find out just what the fight was about.
He slept on the couch that night, but he never actually slept. Sam pretended to be asleep whenever someone came downstairs to get a drink of water. Timothy always got thirsty in the middle of the night, and the awkward moment presented itself when the young child asked why his Dad was on the couch. Sam changed the subject and filled a glass with water before letting the seven-year-old have a sip and sent him off to bed.
It was around five in the morning when he was supposed to go to work, but instead he found himself back in his and Lorraine's bedroom, pulling a suitcase out. He crept around the room and gathered his own clothing, packing them into the suitcase and glanced at his sleeping soon-to-be ex-wife. Sam finished packing, wrote Lorraine a note letting him know where he was going, and ventured out into the cold New York weather, searching for a taxi.
With the fact that New York is known as the city that never sleeps, it was easy for him to get a taxi. He put the suitcase in the trunk and climbed in, giving the driver the destination he had in mind. "JFK airport, please."
The driver nodded before stepping on the gas and driving to the airport. Next thing Sam knew, he was on a plane in search for the one woman he's been in love with for the past ten years.