**********
This is a revised version of the fourth story in the "Natural Disaster" series.
PolyesterBride (aka missdeviant) thought there wasn't enough disaster- related danger n'stuff. Her rockin' beta skills brought a much better story into the world.
For the other three disaster stories, see funkychunky (Meteor!) and spqr (Frogs! and Wildfires) on fanfiction.net. I'm told there are more to come!
**********
There was never a time they didn't want each other. The electricity between them was undeniable from the first moment their eyes met.
The initial days and weeks were filled with longing glances and insecurity. An over-enthusiastic hug followed by crimson blushes. Accidental brushes of thigh against thigh on the couch. Gentle acts of kindness that no one else would notice.
One particular day Ryan held Seth's gaze for just a moment too long, and Seth didn't even try to look away, and they sat like that, with desire and yearning written all over their faces, that's when it became impossible.
Seth had tried to speak, but Ryan reached a hand to his lips to silence him. They continued to stare longingly at each other, and the silence grew. Grew and expanded until it overcame them both, and they were helpless to express anything with words. Ryan broke the spell, brushing his hand almost imperceptibly against Seth's cheek as he rose to leave. Walked all the way to the pier without looking back once. Seth had just sat in silence, feeling a slow burn in the place where Ryan's hand had touched him.
Seth was waiting for Ryan in the poolhouse when he returned hours later. Ryan acted casual, pretended like nothing unusual had happened, and all Seth could do was pretend along. That night, in his bed, Seth wondered and dreamed and fantasized about Ryan, imagining the way Ryan's hands would feel on his shoulders, how his lips would taste in a kiss, how strong his arms would feel as he held him tight.
The next morning, Ryan came into Seth's room and sat on his bed, gently shaking his hip beneath the covers to wake him. When Seth didn't wake up, Ryan stretched out beside him and softly stroked his hair. When Seth still didn't move, Ryan silently rose from the bed and went back to his room. Seth laid there shaking, eyes squeezed shut but wide awake, not knowing what to do.
The entire week passed that way. One would gain the courage to try while the other shied away. Ryan rested his arm on the couch behind Seth while they were watching a movie, and Seth panicked and left the room. Another day while playing video games, Seth's arm grazed against Ryan's, and Ryan immediately jumped up and ran to the poolhouse, no explanation. Not that Seth needed one.
Neither of them knew what to do, what to say. Neither of them realized that they simultaneously called each others' name softly in the night. Neither of them was aware that they both fantasized about each other, imagining the things they could do together. The possibility had been communicated, but neither of them seemed able to act on it.
**********
They started to avoid each other completely. It was torture, each of them losing the only other person they enjoyed spending time with. Seth went back to doing everything alone. And Ryan became the solitary outsider he always knew he'd be.
The Cohen parents noticed, but they didn't mention it to the boys. They discussed it in private, wondering if there was something wrong, or if the boys had simply grown apart. They did have different interests, different activities they enjoyed. Maybe this is what normal would be for them. Neither of them brought up the most challenging answer, the one they were afraid to discuss. They had both noticed the longing and yearning that the boys had tried so hard to hide. But even Kirsten and Sandy couldn't bring themselves to talk about it.
**********
Eventually, Seth was the first to crack. One night he waited for Ryan on the pier until his shift at the restaurant ended. When Ryan saw Seth waiting for him, like old times, he smiled cautiously.
"So Seth, to what do I owe this honor?"
Seth was nervous, biting his lower lip. "I just wanted to see you. Talk to you."
"Do you want to talk? Or *talk*?"
"Either. Both. I don't know. What do you want?"
"I think we need to really talk."
"Fine. Do you want to sit on the beach?
The sun was beginning to set over the ocean, and the view was beautiful. They found a slightly secluded spot and sat near each other, but not too close that they might accidentally touch.
"So...what should we talk about?"
"Well, Seth, I can think of something."
"And that is..."
"That is the fact that we seem to have a 'thing' for each other." Ryan sounded pained to have to be the one to say it out loud.
"A 'thing'. Hmm. Could you be more specific please?" Seth was tracing patterns in the sand, avoiding Ryan's gaze.
"Seth, don't play dumb. You know exactly what I'm talking about."
"I know, I know. Just trying to lighten the mood a little. Sorry." He dusted off his hands and looked up. "So, um, yeah. There's this 'thing'. What are we gonna do about it?"
"What *can* we do? We live together. We're nearly brothers. We have to figure out how to make this go away. Or at least find a way to work it out so that we can still be friends."
"So you don't think there's any way we can act on it." It was a statement, not a question. Seth didn't even attempt to hide his disappointment.
"I don't really see how, Seth. Your parents are my parents now. That makes us brothers. There's no possible way that this could be okay with them. No way." Ryan was shaking his head sadly.
Seth thought for a moment. "It's not like we're blood relatives. Maybe they would be okay with it. They're pretty cool, you know, for parents."
"This is a little more serious than a stain on the rug or a dented fender. You can't know how they would react to something like this."
"Maybe I could feel them out...ask hypothetical questions or something to see what they might think." Seth was grasping at straws.
"If you even hint at anything like us, they're going to know. And then they'll kick me out. As much as I want you, I can't afford to take a risk like that. Not now. Not when I have the first stable home in my entire life." It seemed clear that Ryan had made up his mind.
Seth heard "I want you", and his heart soared. But understanding the risk involved for Ryan, he forced himself to hear the whole statement, not just the phrase he liked best.
He had to try one last time, no matter how selfish it might sound. "Ryan, I just wish that I was important enough to you that you would take the chance."
Ryan's eyes darkened. "That's a cheap shot, Cohen, and you know it."
"You're totally right. I have no business saying anything like that to you. I can't even begin to imagine what things have been like in your life. I'm sorry. Really."
"It's okay. You gave it your best shot." Ryan almost smiled a little, looking at Seth out of the corner of his eye.
"So could I maybe just get one kiss? Just one, something to remember, to understand..."
"Why should we torture ourselves like that? We can't be together. As much as I'd like to kiss you, touch you, hold you...fuck." Ryan's face showed pure anguish.
"I want all of those things, too, Ryan. Sometimes it's all I can think about." Seth's voice was choked. "But I respect your decision. We don't ever have to talk about this again. Conversation over."
"Can we be friends again?"
"We always were friends. But if you mean, will we spend time together? I don't know. I may need some time to get over this. It's too hard to look at you and want you so bad it hurts and know I can't have you." Seth wasn't even looking at him now.
Ryan wanted to make the pain stop. To relieve the frustration and anger they both felt. He reached out his hand to tilt Seth's face so that he could look into his eyes. Seth avoided Ryan's gaze as long as he could. When their eyes finally met, Seth was stricken by the conflict he saw reflected in Ryan's eyes. He found himself leaning forward into Ryan and Ryan leaning in as well, their mouths inching closer and closer.
Ryan sat back quickly and snatched his hand away from Seth's face. His face was filled with pain and apologies. "We can't, Seth. We just can't."
He rose and walked away, leaving Seth alone to mourn a relationship that would apparently never have a chance.
**********
So it was back to the avoidance. The distance. Kirsten and Sandy didn't even discuss it after a while. Seth was always alone before Ryan had moved in, so there wasn't much unusual about him being alone now. And they didn't really know what Ryan had been like before he came into their home, so they didn't have anything to compare his behavior to.
They both tried hard not to remember the happy times when Ryan first arrived. When he and Seth spent nearly every waking hour together. When they were both so happy and close, enjoying each others' company. Clearly those times had passed, and it wasn't for them to try and change it.
**********
One night found Seth in his room, pacing, literally pacing the floor, trying to decide what to do. Could he really do anything about this? Would he go crazy if he didn't?
He went down the stairs and into the yard, feeling his courage already slipping away. He sat by the pool, trying to work up his nerve.
His hands lazily traced patterns in the surface of the pool, the rippling water soothing his psyche. It started to entrance him a little, and he found himself getting sleepy.
With a furtive look towards Ryan's door, he dried his hand on his shirt and walked back towards his house in resignation. Before he reached the door, Ryan grabbed him from behind and spun him around so they were face-to-face.
"Why did you come down here, Seth?" The words sounded harsh, but Ryan's expression was soft, not threatening.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"So talk."
"Ryan, this is so hard to say. I think...I think we have to stop this."
"Stop what?"
"Stop avoiding each other. Stop...."
"Stop wanting each other?"
"Yeah. I guess. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I miss having you around."
"But I am around, Seth. I'm around all the time. You've been avoiding me too. And you know that things were okay before only because neither of us could admit our feelings. But now we know. And we can't change that."
"You're right. We can't change it. But what else can we do?"
Seth looked so tragic and conflicted, and Ryan couldn't bear to see him that way. In that instant, a switch was flipped somewhere in Ryan. He had to act. Had to try. "Maybe...we could do this ..." Ryan pulled Seth into his arms in a strong embrace, pressing his lips against Seth's neck. Seth gasped, then tried to push Ryan away. But Ryan was too strong. Seth fell limp into Ryan, shaking.
"Seth, if you could convince me for even one minute that you didn't need this every bit as badly as I did, I would walk away from here right now. But I don't think you want that."
"I don't want that. I don't want you to go. Please, please don't go." Seth was pleading with him.
"Then say it. Say that you want me. That you need me. That you can't go on another day without me." Ryan was pleading right back.
"I can't. I can't do this. Please don't make me Ryan. Please. I can't risk losing you."
"You won't lose me."
"But what about my parents? What if they send you away?"
"Maybe you were right. Maybe they'll understand. They want you to be happy. Don't you think I can make you happy?" Ryan brushed Seth's hair away and looked into his eyes.
"Yes, but..."
"It's only the yes that matters. Everything else is secondary."
"Ryan, don't. I'm begging you. If I hold you, I'll never be able to let you go." Seth was trying feebly to pull away.
"I wouldn't want you to."
"I can't do this Ryan. I'm sorry, but I can't. It's too hard."
Seth broke free of Ryan, and ran into the house. He went straight into his room, closing and locking the door behind him, throwing himself on his bed in frustration.
**********
More time passed. Ryan and Seth didn't talk at all. Nobody even noticed it anymore. It had become the status quo.
**********
One Friday morning, Seth stumbled down the steps and into the kitchen to make himself some breakfast. His parents were both there, and he noticed that neither of them was dressed for work.
"What's up? How come you guys are still here?"
"It's a long weekend, Seth. We're going skiing, remember? Don't tell me you haven't packed yet."
Shit. He had forgotten all about the trip. "I'm sorry, mom, I'll be ready to go in fifteen minutes. Just let me eat and shower, and I'll get everything together."
Just then, Ryan walked into the house carrying a duffel bag.
"Good morning, Ryan. It looks like you're ready to go!"
"Yeah. This sounds like fun. It will be nice to get away from here for a while." He tried hard to avoid Seth's gaze.
He set down his bag and left the room, saying he needed to go back to the poolhouse to grab something he forgot.
"Ryan's coming with us?"
"Of course, honey? What did you think, we were going to leave him here?"
"Does he even know how to ski?"
"I don't know. But may I remind you that you can't ski yourself. Don't be a snob, Seth. Maybe you can teach him how to snowboard. I know you two aren't as close as you once were, but I think you can handle a long weekend together..." Sandy's eyebrows were arched, and Seth knew better than to argue.
"Okay, fine. I'll shower and pack. Ready in a jiff."
Kirsten walked into the family room and found Ryan leaning against the wall, a resigned look on his face.
"Look, maybe I shouldn't go. I don't want to cause any trouble."
"Ryan, you are a part of this family. There won't be any trouble. Seth is being immature, but he'll get over it. To be honest with you, one of the reasons we planned this trip was to see if we could try to get you and Seth to reconnect. You seemed so close once. I won't pry, but I will say that this house would be a better place if you two were friends again."
"But - "
"Don't worry. Seth doesn't know that, and I probably shouldn't have told you either. Just try. Please?"
What could Ryan say? "Of course. I'll do my best."
"Thanks Ryan. Now, come help me load up the car."
**********
The trip was a quiet one. Seth listened to Bright Eyes on his iPod, and Ryan stared silently out the window. When they stopped for lunch, neither of them said more than a few words to the other. Sandy and Kirsten exchanged worried looks, wondering if they had made a mistake in trying to force the issue.
When they arrived at the cabin, everything glistened with snow. It was a pure sparkling paradise. The view of the mountains was breathtaking. Ryan didn't think that any place could be as beautiful as the Cohen home, but the views here gave it a good run for its money.
Ryan and Seth brought their bags in and claimed their bedrooms. Ryan heard Seth tell his parents that he was going to take a nap, so Ryan ventured out into the main room. Sandy and Kirsten were already headed to the slopes.
"Did you want to come with us? There aren't any instructors this time of day, but you can at least get a feel for it."
Ryan looked uneasily back towards Seth's room, not wanting to risk being alone with him, but not really wanting to try skiing without any lessons and risk making a fool of himself.
"That's okay. I'll just hang out here. I can have dinner ready for when you come back."
"That's so thoughtful of you, Ryan. We should be back in a few hours."
With that, Sandy and Kirsten left. Ryan stood by the window, watching the car drive off.
**********
Seth hid in his room until he heard the front door close. Had Ryan gone with them? He poked his head out to see if he could hear any activity in the cabin. Silence.
He creeped tentatively into the main room, and found Ryan working on building a fire.
He tried to creep back to his bedroom unnoticed, but he heard Ryan's voice behind him.
"I thought you were napping."
"I was. I just...was looking for my iPod. It helps me fall asleep."
Ryan pointed to it on the countertop.
"Thanks. I'll be going back to take that nap now. Later."
Seth tried to listen to music, but every song made him think of Ryan. How good he looked building a fire. How nice it would be to sit out there with him in front of the fireplace. Almost...romantic, even. Then just as quickly, he pushed the image out of his head. Fantasies like this only lead to disappointment. They had made sure of that.
Ryan sat in front of the fire, feeling very alone. He thought of Seth, thought about going to try to talk to him, but he knew it was useless. Any chance they had was long gone. This is how it would be between them. Ryan pushed down the pain, the feelings of loss, of wanting, of needing.
After a few hours, Ryan started to make dinner. Soon the smell of roasted chicken wafted through the house. Seth had already eaten through his supply of snacks, and he found himself starving, venturing out to the kitchen against his better judgment.
When he passed by the dining room, he was surprised by what he saw. The table was set for an intimate dinner for two, complete with wine and candles. The lights were dimmed, and there was soft music playing. Seth marveled that maybe he wasn't the only one thinking of romance.
Ryan saw Seth come into the kitchen, and didn't say anything at first. If he saw the surprised look on Seth's face, he didn't let on.
"So, um, Ryan. What's with the fancy dinner? Are you trying to seduce me?" Seth had meant it as a joke, but it came out with a squeak, and just sounded desperate and silly.
Ryan didn't look up. "It's for your parents. I thought it would be nice to let them have a nice romantic dinner together."
"Oh." Seth nearly choked on the word. "Right. Silly me. I was just kidding."
Ryan looked up at this. "Of course you were." His expression was inscrutable.
"So, is there anything I can eat?"
"Yeah. There's plenty for us, too. I figured we could just eat in the den or something. Give them some privacy."
"Okay. Just let me know when it's ready." Seth hesitated. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, it's all taken care of. I'm just surprised they aren't back yet. They said they'd be here by now."
Seth looked out the window and whistled. "Have you seen how much snow has come down?"
Ryan edged towards another window and pulled back the curtain. "Wow. That's a lot of snow. Is that normal for around here?"
"I don't think so. It looks awfully deep to me. I can hardly see the tire tracks from when the car was here."
Ryan and Seth both looked at the steep hill that led up to the cabin, and both seemed to realize how hard it would be to climb, even with a Range Rover.
"Do you think they'll even make it up here?"
"Hard to say, Ry, but I'm guessing no. They both hate driving in the snow, and there are rooms in the lodge they can stay in. I doubt they'll even try."
"Are you serious? You mean we're..."
"Alone? Together? Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what I'm saying."
"Should we try to call them?"
"No point. Phones almost never get reception all the way up here. You're welcome to try if you want..."
Ryan grabbed his cell phone and dialed Kirsten's cell. He was trying not to panic. The thought of being stuck alone with Seth all night was too unnerving to even ponder.
He was surprised when Kirsten answered the phone. The reception was terrible, but he was able to make out "snow", "blizzard", and "hill too steep". He also thought he heard something that sounded like "work out your feelings", but he was sure that was just his imagination.
"They're not coming back, right?"
"Um, right."
"So I guess we might as well eat..."
*********************
Ryan made himself a plate of food and went to the den. Seth watched him somewhat wistfully, sad that the romantic atmosphere would go to waste. He grabbed a plate for himself and went to join Ryan, deciding there was no point in eating alone.
Ryan had the television on, and was flipping through one weather report after another about the blizzard. Apparently the situation was getting much worse than anyone had anticipated. Seth was relieved that they had enough food to last a week if they had to. God forbid they should have to.
Or maybe it would be nice to be holed up with Ryan for a while...
It was already very dark outside, so when the power suddenly went out, they were abruptly plunged into complete darkness.
"Whoa."
They sat silently, each of them praying for the lights to come back on. Seth swore he could hear Ryan breathing. The silence and the darkness were smothering. Seth wanted to reach out to touch Ryan for reassurance, but held back.
After a few minutes, Ryan finally spoke. "So, do you know where any candles are or anything?"
"There were candles on the dining room table."
"Oh. Right. I'll go get them, then."
Seth froze for a moment. He didn't want Ryan to go without him. He was...scared.
"Do you need me to come with you? Cause I kinda know my way around here better than you." Seth realized how dumb that must have sounded.
He felt Ryan rise from the couch. If he noticed the fear in Seth's voice, he was kind enough not to comment. Seth grabbed aimlessly in the dark for him. Then he felt Ryan take his hand and guide him toward the door. They walked hand-in-hand slowly through the dark, bumping into walls and furniture the whole way.
"Well. I'm really glad you know your way around here," Ryan said sarcastically.
"Yeah, well, I guess my well-honed sense of direction is a little off tonight."
They finally reached the dining room, and when Seth let go of Ryan's hand, he actually felt sad for a moment at the loss of contact.
He felt around and found the candles, and lit them with his Zippo. The candles cast a warm glow around the room, and Seth was sure his face was pink. The room looked even prettier than it had before.
"So, do you want to finish eating in here? I can grab our plates..."
"Let me get them."
As Ryan left the room, Seth had a thought. He took the other candle and grabbed his iPod out of his room. He also grabbed the little fold-out speakers that plugged into it.
Ryan was sitting at the table eating when Seth came back in and put the music on. Ryan laughed when Seth beamed proudly at his great idea.
"Good thinking, right? I'm glad I thought to bring those speakers with me. Well, I didn't really think of it. They were still in my overnight bag from the last ComiCon. But whatever."
"So, is there a generator here somewhere?"
"No idea, dude. I wouldn't even know what it would look like or where it would be."
Once they finished eating, Ryan rose and started putting on his boots.
"Um, where are you going?"
"I'm going to look for a generator. Wanna come help?"
"Sure, I guess."
Seth put on his boots and zipped himself into his parka. Ryan looked through some drawers until he found a flashlight. When they opened the door to go outside, they noticed that the snow was several feet high. They tromped through it, both of them sinking far into the snow and struggling to move even a few feet.
When Ryan felt the snowball hit his arm, he spun around to see Seth grinning mischievously. He jammed the flashlight into his pocket and grabbed some snow.
They threw snowballs at each other until they were both winded, Seth yelling and whooping every time he hit Ryan. The cold air froze their chests and lungs as the light from the flashlight danced crazily through the trees. Ryan saw Seth puts his hands up to surrender, then noticed that Seth was having a difficult time catching his breath. Ryan rushed to his side.
"Are you okay?"
"It's my asthma. I need my inhaler. It's on my dresser." Seth was panting and starting to look panicked.
Ryan tried to help Seth walk towards the house, but Seth knew he wouldn't make it in there. He laid himself in the snow which compressed beneath him, but supported him.
Ryan was in and out of the house in a shot. He rushed the inhaler back to Seth, his eyes wild with fear. Seth looked just as afraid.
After Seth took a few hits of his Albuterol, his breathing slowly came back to normal. Ryan helped him up and into the house, realizing that he hadn't shut the door behind him when he rushed out before. The draft had made the cabin very cold inside, and the boys looked at each other worriedly.
"I don't suppose there's gas heat in here?" Ryan asked.
"I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it's electric." He fiddled with the thermostat controls, and nothing happened. "Nope. Electric." Damn, this was going to be a long cold night if the power didn't return.
Ryan went to the fire, which had burned down into nothing but embers. He built a new fire, and once it was going, he pulled Seth toward it. Seth was chilled to the bone. Ryan rubbed the blanket on him to try to warm him up. Seth tried very hard not to look into his eyes.
"I think I should lie down. Before I pass out or something."
Seth laid on the carpet in front of the fire, and Ryan went searching for more blankets. He came back in with a huge armload of quilts and comforters. He wrapped one around Seth and one around himself. He sat staring into the fire.
"Primitive television."
"What?"
"Primitive television. It's entrancing. You can't help but watch it. I imagine it's what Native American families did for fun since they didn't have T.V."
Ryan smirked at him. Even at times like this, Seth could still be funny. "Are you feeling any better?"
"Yeah, I think so. I'm just really tired now." He looked at Ryan. "Do you think we should sleep out here?"
"Yeah, we better. I'll keep the fire going."
Seth thought to himself that there was more than one fire burning for Ryan.
"This isn't going to be too comfy like this. Should we try to, like, build a fort or something?" Seth was laughing.
Ryan was happy to see him returning to his normal self. He had been so scared earlier when Seth couldn't breathe, and the relief that Seth was really okay washed over him.
"I think maybe we can arrange that." Ryan went off in search of more blankets and some pillows, and Seth pulled all the cushions off the couches. He laid them down, first into two small rectangles, then, upon considering it, into one large rectangle. Ryan watched this from the doorway, but didn't say anything.
They laid all of the blankets on top of the cushions, and put the pillows on one end.
Seth got two dining room chairs, put them on either side of the cushions, and draped a large sheet on top to make a roof.
He crawled underneath, then poked his head out, grinning. "It is awful cozy in here."
Ryan lifted a corner of the sheet and looked down at Seth. "You really weren't kidding about the fort thing, were you?"
Seth suddenly felt like an idiot. Or an eight-year-old. "Yeah, never mind. It was a dumb idea." He started pulling the sheet down from the chairs, but Ryan stopped him.
"It's probably a good idea. The air inside will heat up and keep us warmer." He knelt down, and climbed inside their fort.
The light of the fire filtered through the sheet, and danced in Seth's eyes. Which Ryan found himself staring into. Seth's expression was hard to read.
Finally he spoke. "I'm really sorry about everything, Ryan. I didn't mean for things to get so screwed up between us."
"I know, Seth. I'm sorry, too."
Seth looked pensive, studying the hem of his shirt.
"You're still my best friend, Ryan."
"And you're mine. That won't ever change."
Seth looked up at Ryan, and saw the warmth there that he had been missing for so long. He wanted to kiss those beautiful lips so badly, but he didn't want to push his luck. At least they were friends now. It was stupid to try for more. Seth smiled at Ryan, happy for this much, at least.
Seth fluffed his pillow, and laid on his back, looking up at the sheet. It looked like stars in the sky, where the firelight poked through in many tiny holes.
Ryan stretched out next to him. "It's like camping."
"Yeah. But without all the bugs, so that's good. One time, I found this huge..."
Ryan interrupted, abruptly changing the subject. "So are we...okay?"
"Yeah, we're okay." But not as okay as I'd like, Seth thought.
Ryan reached down and grabbed Seth's hand. "But what *kind* of okay?"
"What kind of okay do you want us to be?" Seth's pulse was racing.
"I asked you first."
"Real mature there, Ryan. Why do I have to be the one on the spot?"
Ryan turned onto his side to look at Seth. "I just want to make sure we're on the same page."
"Ryan, I honestly have no idea what page you're on. I'm not even sure I know which book you're holding."
Seth rolled over on his side, their faces just inches apart.
Shit, Ryan thought to himself. Someone's gonna have to say it first. And it was up to him.
"I...I, um...never mind. Forget it." Seth's gaze was making him nervous, not to mention flushed and excited.
"It's okay, Ry. I can handle whatever you need to say."
Ryan grabbed Seth's hand and brought it to his chest. "Can you feel that?"
"I can feel your heart."
"It's for you."
Seth leaned closer and delicately kissed Ryan's trembling lips. Ryan let out a deep sigh. Then the kiss grew deeper, their mouths opening to each other, tongues probing, hands caressing, then deeper and deeper and more urgent., all of the built-up tension finally getting its release.
Seth gasped for air and pulled away. "What are we gonna do, Ryan?"
"What do you want to do?"
That wasn't exactly what Seth meant, but it answered the question well enough for now.
Ryan leaned into Seth, and allowed his hand to stray to Seth's erection. Seth gasped, and Ryan worried that he had gone too far.
He pulled back slightly and looked beseechingly into Seth's eyes. "I'm sorry, but Seth, please don't make me stop. Please. Don't make me stop. I want this so bad. Please."
"I don't want you to stop, Ryan. I want this too. Don't stop. God, I want this so much."
They laid there side by side in front of the fire, kissing feverishly for what felt like forever, finally allowing all of the pent-up feelings to come out. They rubbed against each other, every nerve ending in one seeking its companion in the other.
Seth felt Ryan's hands slip beneath his shirt and stroke his back. When Ryan's hands slipped around to the front and he felt Ryan's fingers brush his nipple, he shuddered with anticipation.
Then Ryan was drew away again slightly, breathing hard, a concerned look on his face. "Should we really be doing this now? I don't want us to regret this later."
"Ryan. Hello. We are all alone, nobody around for miles, laying in a pillow fort in front of a warm fireplace, the windows are all frosty, it's a winter wonderland, everything is beautiful. I couldn't begin to imagine a more perfect time or place for this to happen."
Ryan smiled, and raised himself up on his arms moving to cover Seth, so that their bodies were lined up but not touching.
"We've waited so long Seth. Why now?"
Seth tried to pull Ryan down on top of him, but Ryan brushed his hands aside.
"Why not now? It's inevitable. There's no way around it. I'll either die from the consequences or die from not doing this when we had the chance. I want you so bad, Ryan. I want you now. Here. Always." And the last word came out so quietly it was almost like a prayer.
Ryan remained propped up on his strong arms, and leaned down enough to kiss Seth passionately. They kissed like that for a while, their lips the only part of them in contact. It was taking all of Seth's self control not to reach for Ryan, to pull him down, crush their bodies together.
"What if we stopped right here? What if we didn't do anything more?"
"I don't think I can stop, Ryan. But even if I could, it's too late to turn back now. There's no possible way for us to pretend that this hasn't happened."
Seth was looking Ryan up and down, tucking his hands behind his back to keep from reaching out to touch him. Their eyes met once more, and Ryan leaned down to kiss Seth again, but this time he allowed one of his legs to lean against Seth's.
"Ohhhhh." Even that small amount of contact was nearly overwhelming. Seth felt the energy flow between their bodies.
Then Ryan lowered his other leg next to Seth, then in one graceful motion, allowed himself to sink gently on top of him.
The feel of Ryan's strong body against his sent Seth into pure ecstasy. He reached his arms around Ryan to draw him closer and closer, deeper and deeper into an embrace that felt like their bodies would fuse together and make them one.
Seth lifted Ryan's shirt off and moved his hands over Ryan's strong arms, chest, shoulders. Their eyes were locked on each other, and neither had the power to look away.
Ryan felt heady with the intensity of their connection. He knew there was no way to go back now. He was risking everything that was ever good in his life. But he prayed it would be worth it.
**********
Once they were sated, they laid together naked underneath a blanket by the fire. Seth was holding Ryan, hoping the sigh he heard was one of contentment, not regret. Their smooth bodies were pressed together, keeping each other warm.
Seth broke the silence. "Are you sorry this happened?" He was afraid to ask, but he had to know.
"I'm not sorry." Ryan rolled over to look at him. "It was amazing. I'm really glad we finally did this."
"Does...that mean that we'll ever do it again? Or was this a blizzard- induced lack of judgment?"
Ryan's eyes turned sad. "I don't know, Seth. I don't know that I want to hide all the time, sneaking around, worrying all the time that someone would find out."
"What if we didn't hide it?"
Ryan propped his head on his hand and looked down at Seth. "You would do that? Be public about this. About us."
"Ryan, I'm not ashamed. How could I possibly feel ashamed about something that is so obviously right? This is the way it should be. This feels too good to be wrong. We'll find some way to tell my parents. And we'll just have to hope they don't send one of us away to boarding school or something. But they're cool. They love you Ryan. They're your family now."
"Now isn't really the time to be emphasizing that particular point."
"Sorry. You just need to understand how important you are to them. And to me, of course."
Ryan looked into Seth's caring eyes, wondering how he had ever survived before without Seth in his life.
"I want to make this work, Seth."
"I know. Me, too." A hint of sadness crept across his face. "I'm just sorry this took so long." His faint grief was brushed away by Ryan's hand on his face.
"It was worth it. I'd wait years for you if it led to an ending like this."
"This isn't an ending...it's a beginning." Seth smiled hopefully.
Ryan smiled back and kissed him softly. "Exactly my point."
**********
This is a revised version of the fourth story in the "Natural Disaster" series.
PolyesterBride (aka missdeviant) thought there wasn't enough disaster- related danger n'stuff. Her rockin' beta skills brought a much better story into the world.
For the other three disaster stories, see funkychunky (Meteor!) and spqr (Frogs! and Wildfires) on fanfiction.net. I'm told there are more to come!
**********
There was never a time they didn't want each other. The electricity between them was undeniable from the first moment their eyes met.
The initial days and weeks were filled with longing glances and insecurity. An over-enthusiastic hug followed by crimson blushes. Accidental brushes of thigh against thigh on the couch. Gentle acts of kindness that no one else would notice.
One particular day Ryan held Seth's gaze for just a moment too long, and Seth didn't even try to look away, and they sat like that, with desire and yearning written all over their faces, that's when it became impossible.
Seth had tried to speak, but Ryan reached a hand to his lips to silence him. They continued to stare longingly at each other, and the silence grew. Grew and expanded until it overcame them both, and they were helpless to express anything with words. Ryan broke the spell, brushing his hand almost imperceptibly against Seth's cheek as he rose to leave. Walked all the way to the pier without looking back once. Seth had just sat in silence, feeling a slow burn in the place where Ryan's hand had touched him.
Seth was waiting for Ryan in the poolhouse when he returned hours later. Ryan acted casual, pretended like nothing unusual had happened, and all Seth could do was pretend along. That night, in his bed, Seth wondered and dreamed and fantasized about Ryan, imagining the way Ryan's hands would feel on his shoulders, how his lips would taste in a kiss, how strong his arms would feel as he held him tight.
The next morning, Ryan came into Seth's room and sat on his bed, gently shaking his hip beneath the covers to wake him. When Seth didn't wake up, Ryan stretched out beside him and softly stroked his hair. When Seth still didn't move, Ryan silently rose from the bed and went back to his room. Seth laid there shaking, eyes squeezed shut but wide awake, not knowing what to do.
The entire week passed that way. One would gain the courage to try while the other shied away. Ryan rested his arm on the couch behind Seth while they were watching a movie, and Seth panicked and left the room. Another day while playing video games, Seth's arm grazed against Ryan's, and Ryan immediately jumped up and ran to the poolhouse, no explanation. Not that Seth needed one.
Neither of them knew what to do, what to say. Neither of them realized that they simultaneously called each others' name softly in the night. Neither of them was aware that they both fantasized about each other, imagining the things they could do together. The possibility had been communicated, but neither of them seemed able to act on it.
**********
They started to avoid each other completely. It was torture, each of them losing the only other person they enjoyed spending time with. Seth went back to doing everything alone. And Ryan became the solitary outsider he always knew he'd be.
The Cohen parents noticed, but they didn't mention it to the boys. They discussed it in private, wondering if there was something wrong, or if the boys had simply grown apart. They did have different interests, different activities they enjoyed. Maybe this is what normal would be for them. Neither of them brought up the most challenging answer, the one they were afraid to discuss. They had both noticed the longing and yearning that the boys had tried so hard to hide. But even Kirsten and Sandy couldn't bring themselves to talk about it.
**********
Eventually, Seth was the first to crack. One night he waited for Ryan on the pier until his shift at the restaurant ended. When Ryan saw Seth waiting for him, like old times, he smiled cautiously.
"So Seth, to what do I owe this honor?"
Seth was nervous, biting his lower lip. "I just wanted to see you. Talk to you."
"Do you want to talk? Or *talk*?"
"Either. Both. I don't know. What do you want?"
"I think we need to really talk."
"Fine. Do you want to sit on the beach?
The sun was beginning to set over the ocean, and the view was beautiful. They found a slightly secluded spot and sat near each other, but not too close that they might accidentally touch.
"So...what should we talk about?"
"Well, Seth, I can think of something."
"And that is..."
"That is the fact that we seem to have a 'thing' for each other." Ryan sounded pained to have to be the one to say it out loud.
"A 'thing'. Hmm. Could you be more specific please?" Seth was tracing patterns in the sand, avoiding Ryan's gaze.
"Seth, don't play dumb. You know exactly what I'm talking about."
"I know, I know. Just trying to lighten the mood a little. Sorry." He dusted off his hands and looked up. "So, um, yeah. There's this 'thing'. What are we gonna do about it?"
"What *can* we do? We live together. We're nearly brothers. We have to figure out how to make this go away. Or at least find a way to work it out so that we can still be friends."
"So you don't think there's any way we can act on it." It was a statement, not a question. Seth didn't even attempt to hide his disappointment.
"I don't really see how, Seth. Your parents are my parents now. That makes us brothers. There's no possible way that this could be okay with them. No way." Ryan was shaking his head sadly.
Seth thought for a moment. "It's not like we're blood relatives. Maybe they would be okay with it. They're pretty cool, you know, for parents."
"This is a little more serious than a stain on the rug or a dented fender. You can't know how they would react to something like this."
"Maybe I could feel them out...ask hypothetical questions or something to see what they might think." Seth was grasping at straws.
"If you even hint at anything like us, they're going to know. And then they'll kick me out. As much as I want you, I can't afford to take a risk like that. Not now. Not when I have the first stable home in my entire life." It seemed clear that Ryan had made up his mind.
Seth heard "I want you", and his heart soared. But understanding the risk involved for Ryan, he forced himself to hear the whole statement, not just the phrase he liked best.
He had to try one last time, no matter how selfish it might sound. "Ryan, I just wish that I was important enough to you that you would take the chance."
Ryan's eyes darkened. "That's a cheap shot, Cohen, and you know it."
"You're totally right. I have no business saying anything like that to you. I can't even begin to imagine what things have been like in your life. I'm sorry. Really."
"It's okay. You gave it your best shot." Ryan almost smiled a little, looking at Seth out of the corner of his eye.
"So could I maybe just get one kiss? Just one, something to remember, to understand..."
"Why should we torture ourselves like that? We can't be together. As much as I'd like to kiss you, touch you, hold you...fuck." Ryan's face showed pure anguish.
"I want all of those things, too, Ryan. Sometimes it's all I can think about." Seth's voice was choked. "But I respect your decision. We don't ever have to talk about this again. Conversation over."
"Can we be friends again?"
"We always were friends. But if you mean, will we spend time together? I don't know. I may need some time to get over this. It's too hard to look at you and want you so bad it hurts and know I can't have you." Seth wasn't even looking at him now.
Ryan wanted to make the pain stop. To relieve the frustration and anger they both felt. He reached out his hand to tilt Seth's face so that he could look into his eyes. Seth avoided Ryan's gaze as long as he could. When their eyes finally met, Seth was stricken by the conflict he saw reflected in Ryan's eyes. He found himself leaning forward into Ryan and Ryan leaning in as well, their mouths inching closer and closer.
Ryan sat back quickly and snatched his hand away from Seth's face. His face was filled with pain and apologies. "We can't, Seth. We just can't."
He rose and walked away, leaving Seth alone to mourn a relationship that would apparently never have a chance.
**********
So it was back to the avoidance. The distance. Kirsten and Sandy didn't even discuss it after a while. Seth was always alone before Ryan had moved in, so there wasn't much unusual about him being alone now. And they didn't really know what Ryan had been like before he came into their home, so they didn't have anything to compare his behavior to.
They both tried hard not to remember the happy times when Ryan first arrived. When he and Seth spent nearly every waking hour together. When they were both so happy and close, enjoying each others' company. Clearly those times had passed, and it wasn't for them to try and change it.
**********
One night found Seth in his room, pacing, literally pacing the floor, trying to decide what to do. Could he really do anything about this? Would he go crazy if he didn't?
He went down the stairs and into the yard, feeling his courage already slipping away. He sat by the pool, trying to work up his nerve.
His hands lazily traced patterns in the surface of the pool, the rippling water soothing his psyche. It started to entrance him a little, and he found himself getting sleepy.
With a furtive look towards Ryan's door, he dried his hand on his shirt and walked back towards his house in resignation. Before he reached the door, Ryan grabbed him from behind and spun him around so they were face-to-face.
"Why did you come down here, Seth?" The words sounded harsh, but Ryan's expression was soft, not threatening.
"I wanted to talk to you."
"So talk."
"Ryan, this is so hard to say. I think...I think we have to stop this."
"Stop what?"
"Stop avoiding each other. Stop...."
"Stop wanting each other?"
"Yeah. I guess. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I miss having you around."
"But I am around, Seth. I'm around all the time. You've been avoiding me too. And you know that things were okay before only because neither of us could admit our feelings. But now we know. And we can't change that."
"You're right. We can't change it. But what else can we do?"
Seth looked so tragic and conflicted, and Ryan couldn't bear to see him that way. In that instant, a switch was flipped somewhere in Ryan. He had to act. Had to try. "Maybe...we could do this ..." Ryan pulled Seth into his arms in a strong embrace, pressing his lips against Seth's neck. Seth gasped, then tried to push Ryan away. But Ryan was too strong. Seth fell limp into Ryan, shaking.
"Seth, if you could convince me for even one minute that you didn't need this every bit as badly as I did, I would walk away from here right now. But I don't think you want that."
"I don't want that. I don't want you to go. Please, please don't go." Seth was pleading with him.
"Then say it. Say that you want me. That you need me. That you can't go on another day without me." Ryan was pleading right back.
"I can't. I can't do this. Please don't make me Ryan. Please. I can't risk losing you."
"You won't lose me."
"But what about my parents? What if they send you away?"
"Maybe you were right. Maybe they'll understand. They want you to be happy. Don't you think I can make you happy?" Ryan brushed Seth's hair away and looked into his eyes.
"Yes, but..."
"It's only the yes that matters. Everything else is secondary."
"Ryan, don't. I'm begging you. If I hold you, I'll never be able to let you go." Seth was trying feebly to pull away.
"I wouldn't want you to."
"I can't do this Ryan. I'm sorry, but I can't. It's too hard."
Seth broke free of Ryan, and ran into the house. He went straight into his room, closing and locking the door behind him, throwing himself on his bed in frustration.
**********
More time passed. Ryan and Seth didn't talk at all. Nobody even noticed it anymore. It had become the status quo.
**********
One Friday morning, Seth stumbled down the steps and into the kitchen to make himself some breakfast. His parents were both there, and he noticed that neither of them was dressed for work.
"What's up? How come you guys are still here?"
"It's a long weekend, Seth. We're going skiing, remember? Don't tell me you haven't packed yet."
Shit. He had forgotten all about the trip. "I'm sorry, mom, I'll be ready to go in fifteen minutes. Just let me eat and shower, and I'll get everything together."
Just then, Ryan walked into the house carrying a duffel bag.
"Good morning, Ryan. It looks like you're ready to go!"
"Yeah. This sounds like fun. It will be nice to get away from here for a while." He tried hard to avoid Seth's gaze.
He set down his bag and left the room, saying he needed to go back to the poolhouse to grab something he forgot.
"Ryan's coming with us?"
"Of course, honey? What did you think, we were going to leave him here?"
"Does he even know how to ski?"
"I don't know. But may I remind you that you can't ski yourself. Don't be a snob, Seth. Maybe you can teach him how to snowboard. I know you two aren't as close as you once were, but I think you can handle a long weekend together..." Sandy's eyebrows were arched, and Seth knew better than to argue.
"Okay, fine. I'll shower and pack. Ready in a jiff."
Kirsten walked into the family room and found Ryan leaning against the wall, a resigned look on his face.
"Look, maybe I shouldn't go. I don't want to cause any trouble."
"Ryan, you are a part of this family. There won't be any trouble. Seth is being immature, but he'll get over it. To be honest with you, one of the reasons we planned this trip was to see if we could try to get you and Seth to reconnect. You seemed so close once. I won't pry, but I will say that this house would be a better place if you two were friends again."
"But - "
"Don't worry. Seth doesn't know that, and I probably shouldn't have told you either. Just try. Please?"
What could Ryan say? "Of course. I'll do my best."
"Thanks Ryan. Now, come help me load up the car."
**********
The trip was a quiet one. Seth listened to Bright Eyes on his iPod, and Ryan stared silently out the window. When they stopped for lunch, neither of them said more than a few words to the other. Sandy and Kirsten exchanged worried looks, wondering if they had made a mistake in trying to force the issue.
When they arrived at the cabin, everything glistened with snow. It was a pure sparkling paradise. The view of the mountains was breathtaking. Ryan didn't think that any place could be as beautiful as the Cohen home, but the views here gave it a good run for its money.
Ryan and Seth brought their bags in and claimed their bedrooms. Ryan heard Seth tell his parents that he was going to take a nap, so Ryan ventured out into the main room. Sandy and Kirsten were already headed to the slopes.
"Did you want to come with us? There aren't any instructors this time of day, but you can at least get a feel for it."
Ryan looked uneasily back towards Seth's room, not wanting to risk being alone with him, but not really wanting to try skiing without any lessons and risk making a fool of himself.
"That's okay. I'll just hang out here. I can have dinner ready for when you come back."
"That's so thoughtful of you, Ryan. We should be back in a few hours."
With that, Sandy and Kirsten left. Ryan stood by the window, watching the car drive off.
**********
Seth hid in his room until he heard the front door close. Had Ryan gone with them? He poked his head out to see if he could hear any activity in the cabin. Silence.
He creeped tentatively into the main room, and found Ryan working on building a fire.
He tried to creep back to his bedroom unnoticed, but he heard Ryan's voice behind him.
"I thought you were napping."
"I was. I just...was looking for my iPod. It helps me fall asleep."
Ryan pointed to it on the countertop.
"Thanks. I'll be going back to take that nap now. Later."
Seth tried to listen to music, but every song made him think of Ryan. How good he looked building a fire. How nice it would be to sit out there with him in front of the fireplace. Almost...romantic, even. Then just as quickly, he pushed the image out of his head. Fantasies like this only lead to disappointment. They had made sure of that.
Ryan sat in front of the fire, feeling very alone. He thought of Seth, thought about going to try to talk to him, but he knew it was useless. Any chance they had was long gone. This is how it would be between them. Ryan pushed down the pain, the feelings of loss, of wanting, of needing.
After a few hours, Ryan started to make dinner. Soon the smell of roasted chicken wafted through the house. Seth had already eaten through his supply of snacks, and he found himself starving, venturing out to the kitchen against his better judgment.
When he passed by the dining room, he was surprised by what he saw. The table was set for an intimate dinner for two, complete with wine and candles. The lights were dimmed, and there was soft music playing. Seth marveled that maybe he wasn't the only one thinking of romance.
Ryan saw Seth come into the kitchen, and didn't say anything at first. If he saw the surprised look on Seth's face, he didn't let on.
"So, um, Ryan. What's with the fancy dinner? Are you trying to seduce me?" Seth had meant it as a joke, but it came out with a squeak, and just sounded desperate and silly.
Ryan didn't look up. "It's for your parents. I thought it would be nice to let them have a nice romantic dinner together."
"Oh." Seth nearly choked on the word. "Right. Silly me. I was just kidding."
Ryan looked up at this. "Of course you were." His expression was inscrutable.
"So, is there anything I can eat?"
"Yeah. There's plenty for us, too. I figured we could just eat in the den or something. Give them some privacy."
"Okay. Just let me know when it's ready." Seth hesitated. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, it's all taken care of. I'm just surprised they aren't back yet. They said they'd be here by now."
Seth looked out the window and whistled. "Have you seen how much snow has come down?"
Ryan edged towards another window and pulled back the curtain. "Wow. That's a lot of snow. Is that normal for around here?"
"I don't think so. It looks awfully deep to me. I can hardly see the tire tracks from when the car was here."
Ryan and Seth both looked at the steep hill that led up to the cabin, and both seemed to realize how hard it would be to climb, even with a Range Rover.
"Do you think they'll even make it up here?"
"Hard to say, Ry, but I'm guessing no. They both hate driving in the snow, and there are rooms in the lodge they can stay in. I doubt they'll even try."
"Are you serious? You mean we're..."
"Alone? Together? Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what I'm saying."
"Should we try to call them?"
"No point. Phones almost never get reception all the way up here. You're welcome to try if you want..."
Ryan grabbed his cell phone and dialed Kirsten's cell. He was trying not to panic. The thought of being stuck alone with Seth all night was too unnerving to even ponder.
He was surprised when Kirsten answered the phone. The reception was terrible, but he was able to make out "snow", "blizzard", and "hill too steep". He also thought he heard something that sounded like "work out your feelings", but he was sure that was just his imagination.
"They're not coming back, right?"
"Um, right."
"So I guess we might as well eat..."
*********************
Ryan made himself a plate of food and went to the den. Seth watched him somewhat wistfully, sad that the romantic atmosphere would go to waste. He grabbed a plate for himself and went to join Ryan, deciding there was no point in eating alone.
Ryan had the television on, and was flipping through one weather report after another about the blizzard. Apparently the situation was getting much worse than anyone had anticipated. Seth was relieved that they had enough food to last a week if they had to. God forbid they should have to.
Or maybe it would be nice to be holed up with Ryan for a while...
It was already very dark outside, so when the power suddenly went out, they were abruptly plunged into complete darkness.
"Whoa."
They sat silently, each of them praying for the lights to come back on. Seth swore he could hear Ryan breathing. The silence and the darkness were smothering. Seth wanted to reach out to touch Ryan for reassurance, but held back.
After a few minutes, Ryan finally spoke. "So, do you know where any candles are or anything?"
"There were candles on the dining room table."
"Oh. Right. I'll go get them, then."
Seth froze for a moment. He didn't want Ryan to go without him. He was...scared.
"Do you need me to come with you? Cause I kinda know my way around here better than you." Seth realized how dumb that must have sounded.
He felt Ryan rise from the couch. If he noticed the fear in Seth's voice, he was kind enough not to comment. Seth grabbed aimlessly in the dark for him. Then he felt Ryan take his hand and guide him toward the door. They walked hand-in-hand slowly through the dark, bumping into walls and furniture the whole way.
"Well. I'm really glad you know your way around here," Ryan said sarcastically.
"Yeah, well, I guess my well-honed sense of direction is a little off tonight."
They finally reached the dining room, and when Seth let go of Ryan's hand, he actually felt sad for a moment at the loss of contact.
He felt around and found the candles, and lit them with his Zippo. The candles cast a warm glow around the room, and Seth was sure his face was pink. The room looked even prettier than it had before.
"So, do you want to finish eating in here? I can grab our plates..."
"Let me get them."
As Ryan left the room, Seth had a thought. He took the other candle and grabbed his iPod out of his room. He also grabbed the little fold-out speakers that plugged into it.
Ryan was sitting at the table eating when Seth came back in and put the music on. Ryan laughed when Seth beamed proudly at his great idea.
"Good thinking, right? I'm glad I thought to bring those speakers with me. Well, I didn't really think of it. They were still in my overnight bag from the last ComiCon. But whatever."
"So, is there a generator here somewhere?"
"No idea, dude. I wouldn't even know what it would look like or where it would be."
Once they finished eating, Ryan rose and started putting on his boots.
"Um, where are you going?"
"I'm going to look for a generator. Wanna come help?"
"Sure, I guess."
Seth put on his boots and zipped himself into his parka. Ryan looked through some drawers until he found a flashlight. When they opened the door to go outside, they noticed that the snow was several feet high. They tromped through it, both of them sinking far into the snow and struggling to move even a few feet.
When Ryan felt the snowball hit his arm, he spun around to see Seth grinning mischievously. He jammed the flashlight into his pocket and grabbed some snow.
They threw snowballs at each other until they were both winded, Seth yelling and whooping every time he hit Ryan. The cold air froze their chests and lungs as the light from the flashlight danced crazily through the trees. Ryan saw Seth puts his hands up to surrender, then noticed that Seth was having a difficult time catching his breath. Ryan rushed to his side.
"Are you okay?"
"It's my asthma. I need my inhaler. It's on my dresser." Seth was panting and starting to look panicked.
Ryan tried to help Seth walk towards the house, but Seth knew he wouldn't make it in there. He laid himself in the snow which compressed beneath him, but supported him.
Ryan was in and out of the house in a shot. He rushed the inhaler back to Seth, his eyes wild with fear. Seth looked just as afraid.
After Seth took a few hits of his Albuterol, his breathing slowly came back to normal. Ryan helped him up and into the house, realizing that he hadn't shut the door behind him when he rushed out before. The draft had made the cabin very cold inside, and the boys looked at each other worriedly.
"I don't suppose there's gas heat in here?" Ryan asked.
"I don't think so. I'm pretty sure it's electric." He fiddled with the thermostat controls, and nothing happened. "Nope. Electric." Damn, this was going to be a long cold night if the power didn't return.
Ryan went to the fire, which had burned down into nothing but embers. He built a new fire, and once it was going, he pulled Seth toward it. Seth was chilled to the bone. Ryan rubbed the blanket on him to try to warm him up. Seth tried very hard not to look into his eyes.
"I think I should lie down. Before I pass out or something."
Seth laid on the carpet in front of the fire, and Ryan went searching for more blankets. He came back in with a huge armload of quilts and comforters. He wrapped one around Seth and one around himself. He sat staring into the fire.
"Primitive television."
"What?"
"Primitive television. It's entrancing. You can't help but watch it. I imagine it's what Native American families did for fun since they didn't have T.V."
Ryan smirked at him. Even at times like this, Seth could still be funny. "Are you feeling any better?"
"Yeah, I think so. I'm just really tired now." He looked at Ryan. "Do you think we should sleep out here?"
"Yeah, we better. I'll keep the fire going."
Seth thought to himself that there was more than one fire burning for Ryan.
"This isn't going to be too comfy like this. Should we try to, like, build a fort or something?" Seth was laughing.
Ryan was happy to see him returning to his normal self. He had been so scared earlier when Seth couldn't breathe, and the relief that Seth was really okay washed over him.
"I think maybe we can arrange that." Ryan went off in search of more blankets and some pillows, and Seth pulled all the cushions off the couches. He laid them down, first into two small rectangles, then, upon considering it, into one large rectangle. Ryan watched this from the doorway, but didn't say anything.
They laid all of the blankets on top of the cushions, and put the pillows on one end.
Seth got two dining room chairs, put them on either side of the cushions, and draped a large sheet on top to make a roof.
He crawled underneath, then poked his head out, grinning. "It is awful cozy in here."
Ryan lifted a corner of the sheet and looked down at Seth. "You really weren't kidding about the fort thing, were you?"
Seth suddenly felt like an idiot. Or an eight-year-old. "Yeah, never mind. It was a dumb idea." He started pulling the sheet down from the chairs, but Ryan stopped him.
"It's probably a good idea. The air inside will heat up and keep us warmer." He knelt down, and climbed inside their fort.
The light of the fire filtered through the sheet, and danced in Seth's eyes. Which Ryan found himself staring into. Seth's expression was hard to read.
Finally he spoke. "I'm really sorry about everything, Ryan. I didn't mean for things to get so screwed up between us."
"I know, Seth. I'm sorry, too."
Seth looked pensive, studying the hem of his shirt.
"You're still my best friend, Ryan."
"And you're mine. That won't ever change."
Seth looked up at Ryan, and saw the warmth there that he had been missing for so long. He wanted to kiss those beautiful lips so badly, but he didn't want to push his luck. At least they were friends now. It was stupid to try for more. Seth smiled at Ryan, happy for this much, at least.
Seth fluffed his pillow, and laid on his back, looking up at the sheet. It looked like stars in the sky, where the firelight poked through in many tiny holes.
Ryan stretched out next to him. "It's like camping."
"Yeah. But without all the bugs, so that's good. One time, I found this huge..."
Ryan interrupted, abruptly changing the subject. "So are we...okay?"
"Yeah, we're okay." But not as okay as I'd like, Seth thought.
Ryan reached down and grabbed Seth's hand. "But what *kind* of okay?"
"What kind of okay do you want us to be?" Seth's pulse was racing.
"I asked you first."
"Real mature there, Ryan. Why do I have to be the one on the spot?"
Ryan turned onto his side to look at Seth. "I just want to make sure we're on the same page."
"Ryan, I honestly have no idea what page you're on. I'm not even sure I know which book you're holding."
Seth rolled over on his side, their faces just inches apart.
Shit, Ryan thought to himself. Someone's gonna have to say it first. And it was up to him.
"I...I, um...never mind. Forget it." Seth's gaze was making him nervous, not to mention flushed and excited.
"It's okay, Ry. I can handle whatever you need to say."
Ryan grabbed Seth's hand and brought it to his chest. "Can you feel that?"
"I can feel your heart."
"It's for you."
Seth leaned closer and delicately kissed Ryan's trembling lips. Ryan let out a deep sigh. Then the kiss grew deeper, their mouths opening to each other, tongues probing, hands caressing, then deeper and deeper and more urgent., all of the built-up tension finally getting its release.
Seth gasped for air and pulled away. "What are we gonna do, Ryan?"
"What do you want to do?"
That wasn't exactly what Seth meant, but it answered the question well enough for now.
Ryan leaned into Seth, and allowed his hand to stray to Seth's erection. Seth gasped, and Ryan worried that he had gone too far.
He pulled back slightly and looked beseechingly into Seth's eyes. "I'm sorry, but Seth, please don't make me stop. Please. Don't make me stop. I want this so bad. Please."
"I don't want you to stop, Ryan. I want this too. Don't stop. God, I want this so much."
They laid there side by side in front of the fire, kissing feverishly for what felt like forever, finally allowing all of the pent-up feelings to come out. They rubbed against each other, every nerve ending in one seeking its companion in the other.
Seth felt Ryan's hands slip beneath his shirt and stroke his back. When Ryan's hands slipped around to the front and he felt Ryan's fingers brush his nipple, he shuddered with anticipation.
Then Ryan was drew away again slightly, breathing hard, a concerned look on his face. "Should we really be doing this now? I don't want us to regret this later."
"Ryan. Hello. We are all alone, nobody around for miles, laying in a pillow fort in front of a warm fireplace, the windows are all frosty, it's a winter wonderland, everything is beautiful. I couldn't begin to imagine a more perfect time or place for this to happen."
Ryan smiled, and raised himself up on his arms moving to cover Seth, so that their bodies were lined up but not touching.
"We've waited so long Seth. Why now?"
Seth tried to pull Ryan down on top of him, but Ryan brushed his hands aside.
"Why not now? It's inevitable. There's no way around it. I'll either die from the consequences or die from not doing this when we had the chance. I want you so bad, Ryan. I want you now. Here. Always." And the last word came out so quietly it was almost like a prayer.
Ryan remained propped up on his strong arms, and leaned down enough to kiss Seth passionately. They kissed like that for a while, their lips the only part of them in contact. It was taking all of Seth's self control not to reach for Ryan, to pull him down, crush their bodies together.
"What if we stopped right here? What if we didn't do anything more?"
"I don't think I can stop, Ryan. But even if I could, it's too late to turn back now. There's no possible way for us to pretend that this hasn't happened."
Seth was looking Ryan up and down, tucking his hands behind his back to keep from reaching out to touch him. Their eyes met once more, and Ryan leaned down to kiss Seth again, but this time he allowed one of his legs to lean against Seth's.
"Ohhhhh." Even that small amount of contact was nearly overwhelming. Seth felt the energy flow between their bodies.
Then Ryan lowered his other leg next to Seth, then in one graceful motion, allowed himself to sink gently on top of him.
The feel of Ryan's strong body against his sent Seth into pure ecstasy. He reached his arms around Ryan to draw him closer and closer, deeper and deeper into an embrace that felt like their bodies would fuse together and make them one.
Seth lifted Ryan's shirt off and moved his hands over Ryan's strong arms, chest, shoulders. Their eyes were locked on each other, and neither had the power to look away.
Ryan felt heady with the intensity of their connection. He knew there was no way to go back now. He was risking everything that was ever good in his life. But he prayed it would be worth it.
**********
Once they were sated, they laid together naked underneath a blanket by the fire. Seth was holding Ryan, hoping the sigh he heard was one of contentment, not regret. Their smooth bodies were pressed together, keeping each other warm.
Seth broke the silence. "Are you sorry this happened?" He was afraid to ask, but he had to know.
"I'm not sorry." Ryan rolled over to look at him. "It was amazing. I'm really glad we finally did this."
"Does...that mean that we'll ever do it again? Or was this a blizzard- induced lack of judgment?"
Ryan's eyes turned sad. "I don't know, Seth. I don't know that I want to hide all the time, sneaking around, worrying all the time that someone would find out."
"What if we didn't hide it?"
Ryan propped his head on his hand and looked down at Seth. "You would do that? Be public about this. About us."
"Ryan, I'm not ashamed. How could I possibly feel ashamed about something that is so obviously right? This is the way it should be. This feels too good to be wrong. We'll find some way to tell my parents. And we'll just have to hope they don't send one of us away to boarding school or something. But they're cool. They love you Ryan. They're your family now."
"Now isn't really the time to be emphasizing that particular point."
"Sorry. You just need to understand how important you are to them. And to me, of course."
Ryan looked into Seth's caring eyes, wondering how he had ever survived before without Seth in his life.
"I want to make this work, Seth."
"I know. Me, too." A hint of sadness crept across his face. "I'm just sorry this took so long." His faint grief was brushed away by Ryan's hand on his face.
"It was worth it. I'd wait years for you if it led to an ending like this."
"This isn't an ending...it's a beginning." Seth smiled hopefully.
Ryan smiled back and kissed him softly. "Exactly my point."
**********