I Can See Him Everywhere
There is no doubt that our hate is mutual. I know he loathes me as much as I loathe him. And we make our hatred knowledge to everyone around us. Those on his side say I am a heartless demon who desires to kill his own brother, like that distasteful girl who looks like his past lover, Kikyo. I admit that I do not like humans but she is one in particular that I have more hatred for. Why? Is there a reason for this? I know at heart why I really detest her just like I did that priestess. I know the answer. I just don't want to believe it. I know it's true but I want to deny it. I want to disallow it so much that maybe I can convince myself that it isn't true. If that can be done, I do not know how, because I have yet to accomplish it. I still hold that problem within me.
That repulsive half-demon is on my mind frequently. I despise him with all my strength. While walking through the woods, the forest, hunting for Naraku, and even battling, I see his face. That half-breed's face is so vivid. Although I never try to recall that face, it appears to me stubbornly. But the face is always a cocky face with a sly smile, eyes almost glittering. I hate it! I hate that face!
Other than a little of our looks, he resembles nothing of neither our father nor me. He is worthless, just like a human. And god knows how much I dislike one's uselessness and pathetic ways. He is nothing like a demon. I am better than him. I always was. I always will be. He can't beat me. But he will always be able to annoy me. I will continue to see his loathsome face in my mind.
Looking at the sky, I see his face. Why? Glimpsing the river water, I observe his reflection. Why? Turning away to look at the trees before me, his eyes, nose, and smile materializes. Why? Dismissing the trees, I seek solace from the earth below my feet, but I can see it! Why? Closing my eyes shut, I try to stop all the illusions, yet I can still make out that face! WHY! His face remains in my mind. Why?
I keep asking the question I know the answer to. I keep asking why, but I know I know the answer. Yet, I keep asking, hoping that I can persuade myself that I don't know the answer. I try to deceive myself from the reality of it. I can't bear the truth that lies within. I don't want to.
I feel so much pain. Nobody knows this. Sometimes, I even feel lonely. Nobody cares. And at some moments, I wish I could change all this. No one answers my prayers.
I often declare all this unfair. That half-breed doesn't feel this. That hanyou doesn't have these hateful thoughts and troublesome feelings. I hate him for this too. Maybe I'm jealous. Just maybe I am. It is not as easy to be a demon lord as some might think. There is so much stress, so much regret.
I believe that from the day he was born, I was doomed to this. Looking back, I feel almost foolish that I haven't stopped myself from plunging deeper into the abyss. I say I don't want all this, but do I? If I don't, then why is all this still lingering?
Even though I try to solve my problems by thinking, it never works. I always go back to the same way. I always go back into my own make-belief world. I deny everything that my so-called heart tells me. I dismiss and twist all the logic, so that all I'm left with is one answer: I hate him.
I am good at deceiving others, and I am good at deceiving myself. I go on thinking that that is my only answer when I know it's not. But how can I ever accept the truth! There is no way.
"Sesshomaru."
I flinch.
"Sesshomaru."
I feel someone shaking my arm.
"Sesshomaru?"
Consciousness comes over me, and I begin to open my eyes. I am awake and yet I feel like I'm still asleep.
"Sesshomaru."
I finally look up to the one in which the familiar voice belongs to. My eyes widen and I'm so confused I don't know if I still have my stern expression on. I hope I do. I don't want the one before me to see anything else but that.
"Big Brother, you are awake," Inuyasha states oddly (odd as in he has never called me 'Big Brother'), his ears wiggling mischievously to the side and then back to its usual position. A thought passes through me that I've always found his ears intriguing, almost adorable, and sometimes arousing. I don't like that thought.
Turning my head away from his face, I leave his gaze. "Hn," I breathe out in scorn. "Why are you..." I begin but I cannot finish as I feel fingers lifting my chin up to meet eyes of my own mirror amber. I am not only surprised that he dares to touch me but also by the look in his eyes, it almost weakens me, and I never like to be weak, so I glare defiantly at him.
"Big Brother, you look even more compelling like that," he comments, moving his thumb across my chin in a playful way. I am stiff. I am stunned. Inuyasha wouldn't dare say a thing like this. I am angered by it. I slap his hand away from my face, and stand up. I couldn't stay seated anymore. I dislike looking up at him, feeling defenseless.
So now that I am looking down at him I say in my well-practiced severe tone, "I promise to remove your head from your body if you have the courage to say anything like that again." I am again stunned to see that his expression is same, a very sly smile plastered on his face. I would like to so much tear it out!
"It was a compliment, my brother," offers the hanyou with smooth steps approaching me. I NEVER EVER backed down in my life but now I feel like I have to. I don't want to but it is my body that disobeys. He comes nearer and I want him to stop. I can hear my racing heart and almost see the tension this is bringing me. Damn him! He shouldn't be able to do this.
I don't have strength to stop his approach before my back made contact with a tree. I look back almost dumbly at the trunk, as if making sure that I have indeed hit something and is not just my imagination. When my suspicions are confirmed, I immediately turn back to look at the one in front of me to find that he is way too near! Near as in right in front of me! Near as in I can feel the heat of his body! Shit! Damn! No!
"Hm, Big Brother, aren't you acting odd?" he inquires strangely. Odd! I want to scream! He is the one who is odd! I want to say this too, but for some reason his gaze stops me, and I cannot say a thing. "But still so pretty," he states in a weird and mesmerizing voice, as he takes my chin in his fingers again. I don't know who to hate, myself, god, or my father for being just a little taller than Inuyasha. It feels like I am still shorter than him, still passive to him while I should be the complete opposite.
He leans forward just a little as he brings me down. I am too confused to stop him. I hear him whisper so silently within an inch from my mouth, "Beautiful," before he pulls me down to him effortlessly, his lips clashing with mine. Eyes wide, I recall his words and the strange effects it has on me. For a long moment, I don't know how to react. I feel my body yearning to be at his disposal. Every inch of me seems to become so weak that I think I might fall. I sense the desire of kissing him back but I don't do so until Inuyasha pushes me down to the floor forcefully, his legs on either side of me, straddling me, and pushing his tongue inside my mouth. I get a sudden shock, but I am aroused by his roughness (to which I do not know why). I close my eyes to kiss him back, my tongue twisting with his in an erotic dance. His mouth is so hot, and the taste is inexplicable. I unconsciously slip my arms around his neck, submissive to his guidance. Meanwhile, he crushes my lips in a show of hunger that excites me even further.
Our kiss ends due to the need for air. I lay my head against the tree trunk, eyes still closed, and I pant frantically, my lips feeling odd at being freed from the abuse. But I do not get to catch my breath before I gasp at hands tugging on my clothes. My amber eyes shoot open to see that familiar both hateful and loving face. "Hm," he begins smoothly, "Big Brother, it gets better." I bite on my lip involuntarily at the words he said and at him removing my armor. I do not know why I am letting him disrobe me but I do with almost half-lidded eyes, welcoming his every caress.
My mouth slips into moans when he attacks my exposed neck, his lips, his teeth, and his tongue playing with my skin. Somehow, I don't find his dominance over me averse, in fact, it stimulates me, he stimulates me.
My sighs counter his every move. I gave a growl when he claims my erection, his fingers stroking the tip dangerously. I arch my back to his constant caress. And then he whispers in my ear, "Big Brother, doesn't it feel good? I love this, don't you?" I nod to his words without thinking, feeling overheated because of him. "Sesshomaru," I hear him sigh, one of his hands upon my face and the other attending to the need I've acquired. I moan and I hear him whisper my name in my ear again in the same sense that he had when waking me up. I become just a little afraid, and I want to grab onto him like he is going to slip away. "Sesshomaru," is the final whisper of his voice.
"Lord Sesshomaru."
I see blackness.
"Lord Sesshomaru."
As my eyes open, I half-believe that the illusion is not gone. But when my eyes are wide and the vision before me is clear, I know that it is. I see a familiar face hovering over me. "Rin," I say.
The little girl smiles cutely. "Lord Sesshomaru was making odd noises. Rin was worried," she responds.
Odd! Why is everything so odd! I keep hearing that word! But I have only a little uprising before I reclaim my calm. Yes, I guess with the situation I am in, everything is odd and may remain odd. "Rin, let us go," I order before I stand up from where I was sitting, back against a tree trunk, sleeping. I stand tall but I still feel strange. I look down at the cheerful Rin who leaps up in front to gather Ah-Un. I look at the sky above, the river water to my right, the trees to my left, and then the ground below my feet. I close my eyes and I feel something pleasant within. I have to state the impossible: he is everywhere, I can see him everywhere. He's even in my dreams.