When he saw Thestrals, he thought of failure.
That wasn't much of a shock. Neville Longbottom was only in second year and he had already managed to mess up spectacularly. He'd known his humiliation was practically written in the stars: it had taken a near death experience for him to reveal he had magic. It had still been quite a relief that day. None of his family members had even tried to hide their fear of him being a Squib.
Then he'd entered Hogwarts and mentally begged to become one. His parents were Aurors, they were brave and daring. How was he going to live up to them?
A series of embarrassing mishaps were the answer to that question. Essentially, a no. He could never live up to them. Seeing animals that didn't exist was just another trait he'd been cursed with.
He'd caught glimpses of them before. Mysterious black creatures that peered in his direction at the edges of trees. But he'd always looked away. A trick of the light, perhaps. Maybe a result of the booming anxiety in his chest.
Until second year. Where Neville first rode in a carriage that would take him to Hogwarts. (All alone, unsurprisingly.) When he'd seen them clearly for the first time. They were winged, skeletal creatures that radiated weakness and pain. Shrouded in darkness.
A horrible queasiness formed in his throat. Were the carriages always going to be driven by these…monsters? If so, he'd seriously have to consider finding his own way to get to the school, if he didn't manage to mess that up too. Why? Well because of a fact he didn't take long to process. They frightened him.
Yes, he was frightened by a herd of horses. Some Gryffindor he was.
It felt like they'd followed him all throughout the year. He'd thought many times of asking a teacher, but the very idea made his legs go weak. What if he was just hallucinating? His grandmother was disappointed enough by him, how would she react when she got a letter explaining how her grandson has been seeing things?
There was simply no way Neville could ask someone about them. So he got no answers. Not until his third year, when he met her.
The girl was in the same carriage he was. She looked to be about a year younger, her face buried in a newspaper. One with titles that were as nonsensical and chaotic as the thoughts that ran through his head daily.
"You see them too?" The girl inquired all of a sudden. Neville nearly jumped out of his skin.
"Wh-what?"
A strand of wispy blonde hair fell into her eyes as she tilted her head thoughtfully. "The Thestrals."
"Thestrals?" He couldn't deny the relief billowing in his skin. She was referring to the horses pulling the carriage. So he wasn't crazy. "Yes…yes I do."
"I do as well. You aren't crazy." She gave him a tentative smile. "My name is Luna."
"Neville." He left out his last name on purpose. If anyone heard it, they'd immediately connect him with the parents he would never live up to. "So these Thestrals…how come only we can see them?"
"They can only be seen by those who have witnessed death," she whispered.
Death. His grandfather. Of course.
Neville remembered his grandfather's death clearly. As clearly as a young boy who barely understood what was happening and wanted to erase all memory of the incident could. It had shaken him to the core. He'd already been introduced to how cruel the world could be from the beginning, but this had only solidified it.
One of the Thestrals whipped their head curiously towards him. Its eyes were almost accusing. Were those his grandfather's eyes? He wouldn't be surprised if they were. He too had expected Neville to change the world. Not to flounder around like the disappointment he knew he was.
Now, Neville was reminded once more of a sad fact. That he was a failure and that he always would be.
When he saw Thestrals, he thought of shame.
Neville had only spoken to Luna once and that was a year ago. Yet people still continued to associate them together. Perhaps it was because Luna rarely spoke to anyone. He hadn't known it at the time, but Luna was apparently the oddball of Hogwarts. Her father had given her vivid descriptions of animals that didn't exist, and she had hung on to his every word.
Maybe he was hallucinating the Thestrals. Maybe he was crazy. Because she saw them too and she was definitely crazy.
At least, that's what he'd told everyone. How he'd only asked her one question and they'd never talked to each other again. His fellow students would add in a few insults, since making fun of Luna seemed to be an activity they all enjoyed. And Neville would join in, hoping no one noticed how badly his voice was shaking. He couldn't deny the guilt brewing in his gut. For once, no one was making fun of him. But he'd also had to make fun of someone else in the process.
Later that night, Neville came across Luna for the first time in a year.
She still looked youthful and innocent, although her eyes held a quirky sense of wisdom. Now though, they were glassy as she stared down at the ground. They were completely alone in the corridor and he their curfew was approaching soon.
"Hey, I…I need to get to the common room," Neville said, scratching the back of his neck.
"I heard what you said about me," Luna mumbled. She closed her eyes and Neville felt the pit of his stomach drop.
"Y-you…"
"I'm used to it," Luna added. She wrapped her arms around herself as a shiver swept through the night air. "I just ignore it. But I thought you were different."
"W-well…"
"We'd only spoken once, but I could see you weren't like the others. I've always thought you can learn a lot about a person just from observing their behaviors when you first meet." She sighed. "I suppose I was wrong."
And she looked at him. It wasn't with sadness or anger. She didn't cry or shout. Her eyes were simply laced with disappointment. The same disappointment he'd seen from his family members and his peers and everyone he'd ever met.
She walked away from him then and Neville was destroyed by shame.
When he saw Thestrals, he thought of friendship.
He hadn't expected any of them to ever like him. The very next day, Neville had tracked Luna down and nearly collapsed to his knees apologizing. He immediately knew that Luna was not like everyone else. His family members would never be satisfied until he became the next hero of the Wizarding World. His peers would never be satisfied until he turned into a popular and well, cool person. But Luna? All Luna needed was a genuine, meaningful apology and she was okay with it.
It was certainly shocking. He hadn't expected her to actually accept him, but she had. She'd said she understood why he'd done it and urged him to try and care less about what other people thought. Then, she smiled and walked away. They hadn't talked for the rest of the year, but they had shared a few knowing glances anytime they both saw the winged creatures no one else could. He'd thought that would be all they'd ever become.
Neville had taken Ginny to the Yule Ball because there was no one else and she seemed nice enough. She knew she'd secretly wanted to go with Harry but he tried to make the evening perfect for her anyway. He'd talked with Harry, Hermione, and Ron on and enough. They'd bonded. But they were just acquaintances. Not friends.
Now…
"Luna," he called out. The chaos as everyone tried to get back to their common rooms for the beginning of the year had died down and the corridor was empty as always.
Luna turned around, her eyes serene as she toyed with one of those peculiarly shaped earrings she was so fond of. "Neville," she greeted. "How has the start of your year been?"
"Fine. Listen, I know the others were a little…cold back at the train in our compartment. But they aren't judging you at all. They're fine. And-"
"You seem tense," Luna pointed out, surveying him. Normally, he became extremely uncomfortable when people observed him. He felt as if they were picking apart all his flaws and weaknesses. But Luna's look made him feel as if she was just trying to get to know him better. And she would not judge him at all. "I suppose it's because they're your friends. And you believe unlike the other people who make fun of me, they are capable of good. Personally, I believe all people are capable of good as long as they're born into the right circumstances, but I do appreciate the sentiment."
Trying not to think of how Luna had managed to understand his very morals and even offer her own argument on the subject, he nodded. "Yes…so you aren't upset?"
"Life's too short to get upset over the same thing," Luna replied. "But thank you for trying to reassure me."
"Getting made fun of hurts," Neville said. There was no real reason to continue the conversation, but here he was.
"It does," she agreed. "But you have to learn to push it away. Like the Nargles, they're very mischievous." She took in his confused expression. "I find comparing larger events to more mundane ones can help strengthen your ability to fight that event."
"I…agree. But what's a…Nargle?"
Her eyes went bright. "I'll tell you all about it."
For the first time ever, Neville and Luna started having regular conversations. He had to admit, her flights of fantasy could be intimidating. But she also looked very excited when she spoke about them, and if Neville could ignore the words she was saying and just focus on her eyes or hand motions, he could survive.
At first, he'd thought her to be naïve, but now he knew she was wise beyond her years. There were so many issues she had struggled with and could talk about calmly, looking at them from an outside approach. It convinced Neville to talk about his problems too. It was refreshing to have someone who didn't interject. Instead, she just listened, completely focused on what he was saying. When he was done talking, rather than shoot him with reassurances, she'd give her honest opinion on the subject. She didn't sugar coat anything and somehow, that made her more comfortable to be around.
"The forest is a lot nicer than I remember," Neville said, watching a herd of Thestrals surround Luna as if she was their Queen. "Actually, the outside world in general. I always stay inside."
"Why?" she asked gently.
"There are just…so many things out there that could hurt you."
"There are." Luna patted the head of one of the Thestrals playfully. "But you can't spend your life hiding. A fear that seems valid on paper can become wonderful in the real world."
"Like you." He regretted the words as soon as he said them. "I-I mean…" He sighed. "I used to be a little scared of you. I still kind of am…"
A mischievous light gleamed in her eyes, completely contrary to what he'd expected. "I see. That'll be useful for another time…" And she broke into the strangest laugh he'd ever heard. Yet he laughed right along with her, none of them worrying about being looked down on.
Yes, it was good to have friends.
When he saw Thestrals, he thought of defiance.
Neville had been one of the first to sign up for Dumbledore's Army. Finally, a way to stick it to the Ministry, support his friends, and hone his skills as a Wizard. Really, it was just what he'd always wanted to do.
It'd been difficult at first, but he'd slowly stumbled into the routine and was starting to master Charms he'd never thought he'd be able to pull off. Not to mention people were actually speaking to him now. Things seemed to be going better indeed…
Then, he'd been hit with the news. The news that had stormed over him all day. The news that sent him marching through the school, not sparing a glance towards anyone.
Luna stopped him as soon as she saw him with an alarmed expression. "What is it?"
He'd been waiting so long. All day for someone to just ask him how he felt. Ask him why he was upset. Care about his feelings.
"Bellatrix Lestrange," he snapped. "She escaped from Azkaban."
The monster, the murder who'd tortured his parents couldn't even be punished for it. She'd just left and no one could stop her.
Luna said nothing. She could sense that he didn't need words right now. Instead, she walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him.
She was so warm. It didn't erase what had happened, but it was something. As they held onto each other, he saw them in the window, the Thestrals. His grandfather. His parents.
The witch who tortured them may have escaped, but he would find her. He would help in his own way. He would work even harder in Dumbledore's Army. He would ruin Voldemort's rise in whatever way he could. And he would not be alone while doing it. Because Bellatrix Lestrange was, when it comes down to it, alone.
He wasn't. He would never be. It wasn't he who would defy, he would rebel. It was them. All of them. Every single person who'd ever been hurt by Voldemort. They would win.
"We were actually able to keep our friendship going this time." Luna looked elated at the fact and Neville was too. A summer apart had not been enough to tear their friendship like it had before. It was his sixth year and he still talked to Luna every day.
Did he get funny looks? Yes. Did people ask him why he was hanging out with such a lunatic? Too many times. But he'd learned now that what they said didn't matter at all.
They were talking to each other while outside, surrounded by Thestrals. Luna was always outside. And when she wasn't outside, she'd be reading stories that took place outside. Neville had always remained safely behind his walls. He'd look at the sky and see only the storm clouds that could form.
Luna had come in and slowly pulled him out. She hadn't dragged him. She'd ask when he needed to stop. She'd tell him why she felt this was good for him. And her voice was so gentle…
"I'm sorry," Neville whispered.
Luna looked at him thoughtfully. "About what?" She knew a lot of things, but when she didn't, she simply took it with stride. She wanted more. She wanted to know about the world and other perspectives. On the surface, she didn't seem like a typical Ravenclaw, but deep down she was.
And if Neville didn't seem like a typical Gryffindor, was it possible he could be one at heart too?
"I'm sorry I ever made fun of you. I'm sorry I ever thought of you as strange. I'm sorry."
Sometimes, he wondered if Luna was casting spells to control the wind. It always seemed to move her hair and brighten her eyes and make her seem like one with nature.
"You blame yourself." It was not a question, a statement. "Years of disappointment took its toll on you. It's easy to think it's your fault." She gave him a look of pure joy. "But Neville Longbottom, you are not a disappointment to me."
She'd said his last name, fully acknowledged the family he was from, while looking at him with pride. He no longer had to worry that his closest friend resented him.
It felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Luna clasped her hand into his and slowly guided him forward. Completely in the outside, with no walls to hide behind. In the palm of the world. He was scared of being hurt, and he would be. But not with Luna.
She led him towards the Thestrals. No longer did they look accusing. If anything, they looked happy to see him. Like Luna was. Someone was happy to see him… Someone cared for him, and he was starting to feel like he cared for himself too. One with the wind.
When he saw Thestrals, he thought of her. And that was all that mattered.