Tu Me Manques
A Joan & Sherlock Story
By Brown Eyes Parker
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rated: T
*Spoiler Alert*: She's not dead.
.
I still see your reflection inside my eyes
Gone [gawn, gon]:
(verb) Past participle of go, 2. (adjective) departed; left, 3. lost or hopeless, 4. ruined, 5. that has passed away; dead
Joan. . . gone. . .
They were the only two words he could string together in the long paragraphs and sentences Captain Gregson was putting together and trying to force him to understand.
Joan. . . gone. . .
She'd been there that morning, making coffee and waffles in bare feet and an Iron Man t-shirt and plaid boxers that had probably belonged to him but had gotten mixed up in their laundry a long time ago.
Joan. . . gone. . .
She'd been humming a Taylor Swift song. One of her really annoying overplayed ones. Shake It Off over and over again. He had snapped at her to please be quiet because he was trying to concentrate on a rather difficult case.
Joan. . . gone. . .
She'd laughed and stopped humming and asked if he wanted to talk about it. Maybe some fresh perspective would help him. He hadn't wanted her help though and he'd told her as much. She'd sat across from him with her breakfast and started to hum again as she ate.
Shake It Off. . . Shake It Off. . . Shake It Off. . .
He'd gotten up and left her to her breakfast.
Joan. . . gone. . .
She'd said goodbye and mentioned vaguely she had plans. She had promised to be back in time for dinner. She'd bring home takeout. . . Italian, maybe.
He'd caught a lead in the case, so he hadn't had the foresight to ask where she was going.
Joan. . . gone. . .
He wished he had asked her where she was going.
Joan. . . gone. . .
"Maybe she's just detained. . ." Sherlock suggested hopefully, his voice sounding far away.
"No. Sherlock have you not listened to a thing I've been saying?" Gregson answered. "Joan is not coming back! We got a call from her cell phone and nobody answered. We found the location of her call and went to see if she was okay. We found her phone and a lot of blood but she wasn't there."
"She'll come back!" Sherlock insisted. "We're supposed to have dinner. Italian. Have you called the hospitals, Captain? Maybe she was seriously injured. She might have called 911."
"Sherlock. There weren't any calls to 911 in her recently dialed numbers," Gregson told him gently. "We're going to do our best to find her body but you have to accept that she's not going to come home. Joan's gone."
There were those two god-awful words.
Joan. . . gone. . .
"NO!" Sherlock bellowed, feeling the world around him like he was fighting an ocean wave but no matter what he did, and it was going to consume him.
Joan. . .
Gone. . .
"Do you have any idea where she was going? Who she was meeting?" Gregson asked calmly. "It might help us if you did."
"NO!"
Gone. . . gone. . . gone. . . gone. . .
Gregson put his pen and notebook away. He came over to him and grabbed him, pulling him into a hug.
Sherlock struggled against him. "No. No. No."
"It's going to be okay," Gregson soothed, in that moment he was the father Sherlock had never had.
"No."
"One day. . . it'll be okay."
Joan. . . gone. . .
How could he make the Captain understand it wouldn't ever be okay? A part of him was missing. It would never be okay. Not today. Not one day.
Not ever.
Joan. . .
Joan. . .
Joan. . .
A low, guttural sound came from somewhere deep inside of him and he tried to get control of his emotions. But it was like getting sick, once it started coming out, it couldn't be stopped.
"Joan. . ."
Sherlock didn't realize he had said her name aloud.
"Sherlock. Sherlock it's going to be okay," Gregson repeated. "Joan wouldn't want you to be like this. You've got to be strong for her sake right now."
Sherlock straightened up. "Of course. You're right."
Joan. . . gone. . .
His stomach twisted painfully at the remember and he drew in a deep breath to steady himself.
Gregson eyed him, a mixture of suspicion and concern was evident on his face. "Sherlock. What are you going to do?"
Gone. . .
"Has somebody been to see her parents?" Sherlock asked, moving around the brownstone.
"Marcus is with them right now," Gregson answered.
"I should go and be with them. They're family."
"I'll take you."
"No."
"Sherlock, I really think you should let me take you!"
"Why? Are you going to make sure I go directly there without taking a detour to buy drugs?" Sherlock asked. "Be not alarmed Captain. I will not give into the siren's call."
"Maybe not today. But what about tomorrow?"
Joan. . . gone. . . gone, gone, gone. . .
Sherlock swallowed hard again. Darkness was already wrapping herself around him, tight and suffocating. Without Joan in his orbit, he knew it would be easier to slip into old habits. He'd done it once already when she had been there.
He couldn't stand there and tell the Captain that he wouldn't do it. There was too much noise in his head and the demons were knocking on his door.
Joan. . . gone. . .
"I'm fine."
"Sherlock, you are clearly not fine! Let me help you."
Gone. . .
Sherlock tried to pretend to be indifferent even though a few seconds ago he had been acting like his life had been ending. He knew if he didn't then Gregson would never leave him alone and all he wanted to do was be alone.
After he checked in on Joan's family.
"I'm leaving now. I would appreciate it if you didn't follow me and you weren't here when I return."
"Sherlock. . ."
"I trust you remember where the spare key is. Please lock up before you go."
Gone. . .
Sherlock would give into madness later.
TBC. . .
.
Author's Note:
Okay, this was born from last night's episode and a blind item on TVline (where there will be a death but since "b" is still in a contract, they probably aren't dead). I kind of think it won't be Joan and that Castle will most likely kill Beckett off but I want to explore the possibility that it could be Joan. It'll be 4 or 5 parts. I hope you'll tell me what you think. The title "tu me manques" which roughly translates as you are missing from me. I think it's a beautiful expression for how Sherlock has felt when Joan is gone and will feel on this journey I am going to take him through.
Until Next Time!
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