A/N: This is a short reflective piece on what may be going on inside our
favorite Professor's . (sees Snape glaring at her) I mean favorite DADA
Professor's head.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, plot, etc of the Harry Potter books. They all belong to she who known as J.K.Rowling, ruler of fiction.
~
Harry's screams still fill my head, "Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!" "We can still reach him-" "SIRIUS!"
I held onto him. He wanted to run after him. I wanted to run after him. Harry would have run after him, had I not been holding on. But Sirius was gone, and Harry could not follow. Must not follow.
It still hurts thinking about it ... him ... everything. It all dances in front of me now. James turns to Harry turns to Sirius turns to Lily turns to Snape turns to Voldemort turns to Peter turns to me. Round and round we go, wear it stops, nobody knows.
There's some sick pathetic part of me, the part that often speaks to me in Peter's voice, that says horrible things to me, wonderful-horrible- deadly-pathetic-selfish-evil things. It often tells me how to both Harry and Sirius I had still been second (if that). I've been second to others my whole life. Second to Sirius/James. Second to normal people...to wizards who don't turn hairy and vicious once a month. And as if James had merely disappeared into the background and Harry had risen to take his place I was second in both Harry and Sirius's minds. I don't care. I never cared. Not really.
Well, in truth, it had hurt when I found that Sirius thought I was the spy. When I had been second to Wormtail it had stung like few other wounds I have received. The voice offers me things, possibilities. They most feature Harry looking on me as a father figure, a friend. But I never have and never will be a replacement for Sirius or James. Sirius has left a hole too great for me to fill and Harry would only resent me if I tried. So I tell the voice hush and leave a grieving man in peace. After much fighting, it obliges.
Harry will receive comfort from everyone and most likely will resent it. I do not resent the comfort, but I do not wish for it either. It is kindly meant, but I have been in this position many times and I can, have and will handle it just fine, thank you very much. I don't need Moody showing me pictures of the old Order; I have a hard enough time keeping them out of my head with out them being shoved under my nose. I don't need Dumbledore looking at me in that kind-old-man-condescending way. I don't need Mrs. Weasley hushing everyone whenever they start talking about Sirius in front of me. I'm a big boy. I won't cry, I promise. Much.
I don't need the various speeches whenever someone feels we need inspiration. I know Sirius was a hero, goddamnit! I know it more than anyone. More than Dumbledore. More than Harry, even. And definitely more than various Order members who felt it their duty to raise a glass and make a toast to him.
I don't need them.
I don't need anything.
I need Sirius. I need my Padfoot back.
A/N: The quote of Harry's comes from Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix, end of Chapter Thirty-Five: Beyond the Veil.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, plot, etc of the Harry Potter books. They all belong to she who known as J.K.Rowling, ruler of fiction.
~
Harry's screams still fill my head, "Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!" "We can still reach him-" "SIRIUS!"
I held onto him. He wanted to run after him. I wanted to run after him. Harry would have run after him, had I not been holding on. But Sirius was gone, and Harry could not follow. Must not follow.
It still hurts thinking about it ... him ... everything. It all dances in front of me now. James turns to Harry turns to Sirius turns to Lily turns to Snape turns to Voldemort turns to Peter turns to me. Round and round we go, wear it stops, nobody knows.
There's some sick pathetic part of me, the part that often speaks to me in Peter's voice, that says horrible things to me, wonderful-horrible- deadly-pathetic-selfish-evil things. It often tells me how to both Harry and Sirius I had still been second (if that). I've been second to others my whole life. Second to Sirius/James. Second to normal people...to wizards who don't turn hairy and vicious once a month. And as if James had merely disappeared into the background and Harry had risen to take his place I was second in both Harry and Sirius's minds. I don't care. I never cared. Not really.
Well, in truth, it had hurt when I found that Sirius thought I was the spy. When I had been second to Wormtail it had stung like few other wounds I have received. The voice offers me things, possibilities. They most feature Harry looking on me as a father figure, a friend. But I never have and never will be a replacement for Sirius or James. Sirius has left a hole too great for me to fill and Harry would only resent me if I tried. So I tell the voice hush and leave a grieving man in peace. After much fighting, it obliges.
Harry will receive comfort from everyone and most likely will resent it. I do not resent the comfort, but I do not wish for it either. It is kindly meant, but I have been in this position many times and I can, have and will handle it just fine, thank you very much. I don't need Moody showing me pictures of the old Order; I have a hard enough time keeping them out of my head with out them being shoved under my nose. I don't need Dumbledore looking at me in that kind-old-man-condescending way. I don't need Mrs. Weasley hushing everyone whenever they start talking about Sirius in front of me. I'm a big boy. I won't cry, I promise. Much.
I don't need the various speeches whenever someone feels we need inspiration. I know Sirius was a hero, goddamnit! I know it more than anyone. More than Dumbledore. More than Harry, even. And definitely more than various Order members who felt it their duty to raise a glass and make a toast to him.
I don't need them.
I don't need anything.
I need Sirius. I need my Padfoot back.
A/N: The quote of Harry's comes from Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix, end of Chapter Thirty-Five: Beyond the Veil.