Santana couldn't sleep. To say she was anxious about what the day held was an understatement. She could feel the excitement buzzing underneath her skin, leaving her vibrating with anticipation and trepidation in her bed at 4 in the morning. She sighed for what felt like the millionth time that night. If she wasn't going to be able to sleep she may as well get up and see if the shit going on inside her head would translate into something tangible, something she could taste, if she had a guitar in her hand.
She padded out to the living room to find her guitar. It was still in its case by the couch where she had left it earlier after arriving home. She had just flown in from LA a few hours ago and she was tired and jet-lagged Her brain though was wide awake and firing on all cylinders.
Santana had changed the way she dealt with the insecurities and troubles in her life. Where once she would use her wit and quick tongue to lash out at everything around her, now she put it all in song. She had grown from the frosty bitch that wouldn't let anyone in, to someone who was a lot more open to the love around her.
She strummed the guitar, testing to see if anything had shifted during the flight and needed tuning. She smiled down at her hands. It was silly that the simple act of tuning a guitar made her think of him. It never failed that she would be transported back to the tiny cramped apartment they had all shared during college. She remembered when he had first offered to show her how to play.
"To put our neighbors and myself out of our misery and stop the hideous sounds coming from your room Tana. It's just not right."
She could still feel his hands over hers when he was trying to show her a difficult finger placement. They always dwarfed hers, covering them entirely, making her feel safe. She didn't know then that she was falling in love with him. He had no clue that he had unknowingly been laying down the foundation for the greatest love of her life.
She started humming, still smiling; still drowning in the memories. It had been a while since she had let herself indulge. She had never believed that one person could really impact someone to the point that they became the center of their world. She had been in love in the past obviously. There was Britney who would always hold a special place in her heart. But she discovered very quickly in college that she could live without Britney. She loved her, but her heart didn't break if she couldn't see her, couldn't speak to her for a few days. She was glad that Britney had found love after they broke up.
I love the time and in between
The calm inside me
In the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
Distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years of
Reaching out and reaching in
Holding out holding in
I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand?
Santana had learned the hard way that the heart isn't something you could control. In High School she had come out as a lesbian. Well, it turned out that it was lot more complicated than that. She started dating a few months after ending it with Britney. As it turned out, she had really only loved and felt attracted to one girl. None of the girls she went out did it for her. They weren't Britney.
She tried giving boys a chance, but that came to a stop pretty quickly when all she could picture was honey colored eyes, a soft voice, a tinkling laugh, and strong hands.
I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire
But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near
I believe
I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand
She hadn't meant to fall in love. In fact she didn't even realize when it had happened. She just woke up months into her second year at college, after having broken up with her first serious boyfriend because he didn't make her heart beat the way it apparently did every time he walked in to a room.
Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
The mold that clings like desperation
Mother can't you see I've got
To live my life the way I feel is right for me
Might not be right for you but it's right for me
I believe
I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I'll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand it
I would like to linger here in silence
If I choose to
Would you understand it
Would you try to understand
"Blaine," she sighed.