Konoha News I
(Razor Blades)
The room was dark, very dark. Suddenly some light shimmered on and revealed a long desk with three chairs behind it, one blue chair, one orange chair, and one pink chair. A few more lights flickered on and the Hokage herself, Lady Tsunade, appeared in the center of the room. All over the village a new device was just shipped in from another country, they called at a T.V. While others thought of it as an entertainment system, Tsunade saw it as a money making opportunity. So after a few promises of training, a dozen razor blades, and several hundred cups of ramen, the Hokage had found herself a team of news reports fit for the job. Being the Hokage, Tsunade was able to override the signal to the televisions and insert her own signal. Behind the camera was a young man in white who once thought destiny governed weather or not to go to the bathroom. "Three, two, one."
"Hello!" Tsunade shouted in pleasure. "Welcome to our special broadcast. We are coming live from the Hokage Tower's secret basement, located scenic by the Hokage Tower's secret nuclear power plant. Tonight I'm proud to bring you the Leaf's very own T.V. Channel."
Behind her various voices could be heard in the dark. "...And then he just stuck it right up there. I'm serious."
"That's what you get for doing something so stupid!"
"How was I supposed to know that a bag marked 'special treats' was a dozen razor blades."
Tsunade made a loud cough and continued, "So now I'd like to introduce our first segment of Konoha T.V., our own Konoha News Team." Immediately every light turned on and blinded the news anchors. "First is our head anchor, our own Naruto Uzumaki. Naruto was sitting in the middle chair eating out of a big brown bag. Next to him was Sasuke Uchiha trying to strangle his friend. Opposite of him was Sakura who just tried to ignore them all.
"Uhh... good evening." Sakura quickly though of an excuse. "Our friend Naruto here has gotten into someone's secret stash and is now choking on razor blades.
"Spit them out you, bastard!" Sasuke screamed while performing the Heimlich maneuver.
Naruto gagged horrible, "I-I can't, their a-already in my i-intestines."
"We go now to our friend on weather, Shino? Please?" She pleaded. The camera quickly panned over to the hooded bug-boy by the big map of Konoha. He was holding a long wooden stick used for pointing.
"This week..." He muttered, "We are having a slight chance of rain. Also we have a one-hundred percent chance of giant locusts eating children. Sorry, that was kind of my fault."
The camera switched back to our favorite anchors and found that Naruto had been taken away for surgery and Sasuke had been put in a mental institute. Sakura was sitting there along and uncomfortable. Sweat was beading down her neck. She looked over to the camera and read the magical teleprompt. "We now present some pre-recorded... commercials."
The screen faded out and then came back in on a big purple sign that read Orochimaru's Baby Sitting Service. The slippery snake himself slithered on the screen wearing a top hat. "Hello there, my name Orochimaru. I have been out of the evil business for a few minutes now, and I have become rather bored. So I now offer mine and my sex slave's time to take care of any children you just don't have time for."
A small child flashed on screen, "My name is Sumatsu, and Orochimaru is a very nice man." He then held up a sign that read 'Help Me.' "He feeds us well and gives us nice toys. He slowly shook his head. "Call today!" He flipped the sign over so it read 'Call 911.'
"Thank you boy, all our prices are 5.99 per child. Unless you're an Uchiha, then your body is the only payment I need." He let out an evil, maniacal laughter. A little jingle flashed up on screen.
"Orochimaru's Baby Sitting Service, he won't molest your kids! (Unless they ask for it, kukukukuku.)"
Next, a swirling white mist appeared. It looked like smoke, or gas. Suddenly Neji walked out of the mist in a white gown. "Ahh, it seems you were destined to see my commercial. I am Neji Hyuuga and I am destined to know your destiny. I know what you're destined to do and when you're destined to do it. I'll know who you were destined to sleep with and when you slept with them. I'll also know what position you were in and if she was fully satisfied. So come down to Neji's Psychic Readings. You're destiny is already written, you're just too damn blind to read it."
The screen eventually went back to Sakura sitting at the desk doing her nails. "Oh, welcome back. That was a pretty short commercial break." Sakura pulled her foot off the desk. "Ok, an urgent news update, Sasuke Uchiha has escaped from the mental ward and is seeking revenge on the, quote, 'fox-demon asshole that ate my cutting tools.' On another note, Naruto just got out of the hospital five minutes ago. As it turns out, razor blades are very easy to suck out with a vacuum, especially when they're already half-digested. Next we have an update on last week's makeup incident. It was found last week, that the Leaf Village rouge, Itachi Uchiha had held up a makeup store of the fire country border. Itachi had just been apprehended and taken into custody. This is the footage captured the other week.
A blurry picture appeared of a tall black-haired man in a black cloak had a kunai to the clerk's throat. Another man, blue hair and a large wrapped sword on his back, was stuffing dozens of makeup into a big burlap sack.
"Let me go, please!" She cried.
"Hush you, no Kisame not that shade! And that had better be hypoallergenic."
The screen flashed back to Sakura now sucking down an extra large bottle of Konoha Cola "TM".
"When Itachi was taken into custody he said, and I quote, 'she wouldn't let me buy makeup so I slit her throat. Eat that bitch.' Itachi was placed in his brother's old cell."
Naruto was wheeled in on a stretcher and the medics lifted him off and up on to the news desk. They ran off and left Naruto lying there. He coughed and Sakura handed him a paper. "We now go live to Kakashi Hatake at the training ground, Kakashi?" The camera flipped over to Kakashi standing over two large mounds of dirt.
"Thanks Naruto, as you know both Lee and his sensei, Might Guy are obsessed with challenges. Their latest challenge was, 'who can go the longest buried underground." Kakashi knelt down to the larger pile of dirt. "So Guy, how are you holding up?"
"I am excellent! The power of youth keeps me alive. The same goes for my young and youthful apprentice, isn't that right Lee?"
Silence.
"Lee?"
"…Oh boy."
"Lee!!!" Guy cried. "No!!!"
"Uhh, we now bring you some approved television programs. Here's A Naruto Thanksgiving. Can we get a medic?"