--Tea, Pee and Me--

A Romantic Comedy That's Makes Anything But Sense

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Roy, Riza, Hayate, or the teapot song.. I do own this nonsensical creation though!

Author's Note:

It's quite fun writing from a dog's point of view.. (giggle) I love Hayate, and Roy-Riza, so… This is what my devious, insane, scheming mind came up with.. Heehee.. Be warned, I'm not terminally mentally ill, but I'm definitely not sane either! Well, that having been said, let's go on with the hysteria, shall we?


..sniff, sniff..

'lick'

Hmm.. Mistress Riza is taking an unusually long time to get up today…

"Uhhh.. Down, Hayate.."

There. She's up. I swear, Mistress Riza wouldn't wake up as early as she does if it wasn't for me.

'pat pat'

Oooohh.. That feels good.. Man, there are only two things a military husky like me lives for. Grade A quality dog food and Mistress Riza's nice, warm, fluffy bunny slippers. Of course, I'd live for Mistress' smile as well, but as long as she doesn't fill me with bullet holes, I'd take her strict face any day.

"Down, Hayate."

I bend my front and hind legs, look up at her face, put out my tongue, and wag my tail.

"Sit."

I raise my front legs from the floor, fold them in front of my chest and sit on my hind legs, tail still wagging all the way.

"Roll over."

I go back down on the floor, mimicking my first position, then roll back and forth.

"Left paw."

I stand on all fours and raise my left paw.

"Right paw."

I put down my left paw and reach out with my right.

"Good hayate."

I bark three times and wag my tail.

Mistress Riza smiles and proceeds to feed me my breakfast, petting my head while holding a pink mug full of coffee.

Ah, life is good..

All throughout the day, I follow Mistress Riza dutifully like the guard dog I really am. We pass into THAT person's office, and I see the tiny bullet holes embedded in the wall, shaped strangely enough like the outline of a puppy standing on his hind legs, begging for mercy. Of course, I was that puppy.

'shiver'

Oh, gun shots..

I remember that incident well. It was the very first encounter I had with Mistress Riza and, and THAT—idiot.

For others, that might have been deathly hilarious, but for me that was plain deathly.

A certain military personnel named Kain Fuery whom I found dozing under a tree seemed overjoyed to see me, and making googly eyes, brought me into his office building, into THAT person's office, for the very first time.

Chaos, or rather, havoc ensued.

It seemed one of his co-workers were deathly terrified of dogs. The said Kain Fuery suddenly had a problem about where I was to stay. Nobody seemed to be able to accommodate me, so for a few days, I was secretly hidden inside that office, being that regulations forbid the bringing of animals into the office headquarters.

Of course, now though, Im an official military husky, so Im allowed.

Anyway, going back to the story, its funny how one day I woke up to see two big black round eyes eagerly staring into mine..

Within a second, I was being yanked and thrown up and down all over.

My senses shaking, I could barely make out what he was blabbering about.

"Dogs! Dogs are nice! They're not boring, or quiet, or lazy like cats! They're fiercely loyal to their masters, they don't shed fur, they don't scratch the furniture, and they don't require a salary!!"

Oh god.

Please save me from the glee of this utter IDIOT.

Oh seemingly endless joy.

Fortunately, a sane person got me from that, that retard, looked me over quite indifferently, then set me down on the floor.

Ah, her, I like her.

She glanced at the fool still blabbering about my species and announced, much to the fool's chagrin, and to my reprieve,

"I'll take care of him."

Oh the relief!!!

And suddenly, I had the sudden urge to relieve myself. Being the stray I then was, I strolled leisurely towards the nearest wall, and promptly-

'psssssss-'

'BANG BANG BANG BANG'

If dogs could have cardiac arrest, I would have been a dead puppy.

I know, I know, I should have asked first,

"Can I pee on the wall?"

Of course, Mistress Riza wouldn't have been able to understand me, and even if she did, she wouldn't have allowed it even then, but I was a innocent little puppy. I didn't know that.

The day comes to an end and almost everyone bids leave and makes their way home. Only Mistress Riza and the – retard- are left, the latter still sighing and the former patiently cleaning her spotless guns while waiting for the sighing latter to stop sighing and actually get some work done.

After a few moments, the phone rings.

The –retard- answers.

"Good evening to you as well, Sir."

"No sir, everything is fine."

"P..pardon?"

"Oh.. Um.. Of course I'll be happy to.."

"Goodbye-"

My ears perk up at the sound of the phone being put down gently, a remarkable first for that –lunatic.-

"Colonel, may I ask who that was?"

I raise my head slightly, surprised at Mistress Riza's sudden speech.

"At ease, Lieutenant, that was.. General Grumman."

"General.. Wait, Grandfather?"

I tilt my head at the surprised look on Mistress Riza's face.

"Yes.."

"Oh.. And what did he say?"

"He… Wants to invite me to tea tomorrow afternoon."

"…Tea?"

"Yes, Lieutenant. Tea."

"Oh."

"Yeah.."

Silence ensued, and I shrug and flop back down.

For one such as I, the tension between Mistress Riza and that, that –idiot- has always been noticed, even though it can hardly be felt.

I know they have strong feelings for each other, but god-forbid, I cannot live with that -retard- for the rest of my life, assuming he does gather the courage to ask Mistress Riza out-

My thoughts are cut short as Mistress Riza beckons me to stand, and all three of us, Mistress, me, and the –irritation that is that tick- walk out of Central HQ together.

It is a chilly night, and far away from others' prying eyes, Mistress and that –retard- walk hand-in-hand under the moonlight. It is a sweet and private moment, one which I know Mistress rarely has.

"Oh, why –him-?"

I wonder, but I let it be. I instead follow them, not too far behind.


The next day comes and passes like the wind, and it's finally time for late afternoon tea with General Grumman.

For some reasons unknown to me, maybe by forces beyond our control, Mistress chose to stay behind in the office and finish up the paperwork, while I follow the –idiot- all the way to Mistress' grandfather's office.

Now, I find that old man quite.. eccentric, to say the least, but he IS Mistress Riza's blood relative, so I'm positive he has some sanity hidden within him. I think.

The –annoying prick- gazes at me curiously before opening the door to General Grumman's office, and I just tilt my head and wag my tail.

He merely shrugs, and I follow him in.

Ah, the advantages of being an innocent, ignorant little puppy.

"Welcome Colonel Roy Mustang! Welcome! Sit down and let's have tea!"

I could've sworn we both almost fainted on the spot at what we were seeing. Now, I knew the old man was unusual, but I had absolutely no idea he was a completely-over-the-edge-crackpot.

What gave me that idea? Well, the scene was like this: General Grumman had the real deal. Dainty teacups and lumps of sugar, crumpets and delicately folded table napkins, exquisite tablecloths, and baskets full of cookies. This in itself was more than proof enough, but the clincher was this:

The old man had TEAPOTS.

Teapots.

Yes, teapots. Those infernal little things..

Don't get me wrong, I love tea just as much as the next gentle-pup but if had to draw a line, it would definitely have to be at teapots. The shining porcelain dotted with elegant designs, and with the graceful handle.. God, there is only so much a pup can take!

If only I could get my paws on them..

Anyway, the –thick-headed guy- regains some semblance of reality and returns the greeting, and the both of them sit down and have tea. Real, genuine, stifling, smothering, asphyxiating afternoon tea.

This went on for a while, and I was nodding off to sleep when I heard General Grumman sing..

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout! When the water's boiling, hear me shout, tip me over, pour me out!"

THE HELL?!?

I am incredibly thankful that at least he didn't do the dance that goes with that brainless song. Just the thought of it..

Oh the horror..

I seriously could not believe what I was hearing, and seeing. So I rubbed my eyes, blinked three times, and looked again.

The sight in front of me almost caused my eyes to bulge out of their sockets. There were two dimwits, sitting effeminately, sipping tea from girly little teacups with their pinkies up and giggling like little schoolgirls!!

Oh gawd, I must be dreaming.

I glared at those treacherous little teapots sitting innocently beside the lumps of sugar. Oh, yes I did. Finding it not to produce any effect at all, seeing as those immaculate table wares were still resting unharmed on the table, I decided upon another course of decisive action.

I immediately whimpered and clawed at the door.

Most undignified of me, I know, but what was I to do? It was those otherworldly wares against one little defenseless pup.

Anyway, my second plan seemed to work, as the first –retard- took notice and seeing that it was already late, bid farewell and went out of the office.

Ah, finally, I'm safe.

I swear, I have lost all respect (not that I had any to begin with, it's just the manifestation of my thoughts, plus a slight, okay, grave exaggeration, on the matter,) for this doomed, poor, lost cause.

On the way back to where Mistress Riza was, out of the blue, I suddenly picked up an oddly familiar melody coming from an unknown source. Glancing around, I-

What the…?!?!

The -walking disaster- was humming! And I knew, no matter how much I wished for the contrary, that it was just a matter of time before he breaks out into song..

"You're a little teapot!"

I just HAD to think that..

"I am too! We're all teapots, just like you! When they put in coffee, we all shout! You && #$! That was hot! And when they pour out coffee, I'll just glare, so I'll warn you now, Don't. You. DARE."

Whoa. Freaky. This –retard- has a twisted mind, plus- he can't sing!

Poor Mistress Riza..

But suddenly, I was distracted from my ramblings as I realized we weren't going back to the office. Curious as to what other dastardly deeds this –lunatic- may commit, I followed him. Alone.

Now aren't you proud of me?

Going back to the story, the –demented freak- stopped in front of the main security room, double-checked to see if anyone was still around, and after verifying that the coast was clear, quietly slipped inside.

Ooooh.. This definitely ranks high on the suspicious list..

But once inside, I saw what REALLY happened. Going over the recordings of the surveillance cameras taken that afternoon, I saw what the two –loony bins- really talked about.

"So Colonel… I daresay you have decided?"

"Yes general… (pause) I accept your offer."

"You DO??? Oh that's absolutely wonderful!! Utterly fabulous!!"

The endless joy plastered so carelessly on the general's face was hard to miss, but his ravings were cut short when the –insane madcap- spoke again.

"There is one thing though…"

"The Fraternization Laws?"

"Yes."

" (a hearty chuckle) Oh don't worry, my boy, you'll be Fuhrer soon enough!"

"…"

"Oh don't give me that look. I have faith in you. Just promise me you'll take care of her and make her happy."

" (a smile) I will, sir."

At this point, the General just smiles, and the surprisingly serious - madman- looks far away, a hint of redness visible on his visage.

"I love her."

"I know you do, my son… I know you do."

The tape ends at that precise moment, and I think, oh, so that's what really happened…

The -not-so-retard- then clutched the surveillance tape in his hands, and in mere seconds, charred it to oblivion. He wore a smirk on his face, then proceeded to replace it with the tape about them being total –idiots-.

So much for dignity.

He then surprised me by kneeling and patting my head affectionately.

Whoa, buddy, personal space-

"That'll be our little secret eh, Hayate?"

He then smiles and I unconsciously wag my tail and let out a hushed bark, out of my control.

Oh, maybe this –lunatic- isn't so bad after all…

We make our way noiselessly toward the office, and upon creaking the door open, we discover that everyone has left…

And Mistress Riza was sleeping peacefully leaning her head on her arms atop her desk.

The –oddball- smiles blissfully, quite a weird sight, if you ask me, then approaches her and tenderly caresses her cheek.

His fingers trail down to her lips..

And then he bends down and kisses her.

Mistress Riza then wakes up, and finding her lips still attached to his, she abruptly pulls away and gazes at the floor, blushing madly.

"C…colonel… I…"

She stutters, but the said –colonel- just smiles lazily, turns her head to face his, and reaches for her hand.

Ooooh.. Something's gonna happen!! Warning bells echo dangerously in my ears, and I bark quite loudly and wag my tail to lessen my offense, at this. They seem to go back down to reality, and I am reassured, if but for a moment.

The –weirdo- then carefully guides Mistress Riza towards the door, and lovingly puts her coat on for her.

Mistress Riza stays silent, blushing furiously all throughout this time, but is smiling so blissfully I cannot object.

We walk out of HQ as we are accustomed to doing every night, pass the gates and stroll among the numerous streetlights.

The moon is clear and beautiful, and the surroundings are serene.

Roy Mustang, my self-deemed lunatic, treads leisurely with his arm around Mistress Riza's shoulder, and she, her head leaning comfortably beside his.

I follow languidly behind, and it seems for a moment that everything is right in the world.

I should know better than to speak abruptly, though.

Because suddenly, with the soothing wind comes the mellow sound of humming, terrifyingly familiar, and not to long after, the full song.

"We're all little teapots…"

I guess some things never change.

Author's Note:

Hahaha.. I know, Hayate is way out of character, being that sarcastic.. He does look too innocent for that, but I just love the many different names he has for our favorite colonel. He's a lot more like this! Heehee.. I just love that teapot song, don't you? We all learn it during preschool, and it kinda stuck with me.. Hahahaha..

And don't get me wrong, I love teapots!! They give me inspiration!! They really do! C

Well.. I hope you liked it!

Please leave a review too!

Thanks!