Sansa had been at Castle Black for three days and Jon still hardly knew about the life she had been leading the past few years. Both of them had been hardened since leaving Winterfell. They started out relatively happy, ambitious, and privileged. Now here they were.
Jon knew what it had taken him to completely transform into the man he was today—white walkers, countless beatings, fights, and death. Not just experiencing it, but witnessing so many deaths. There was little left of the bright-faced lad that left Winterfell with dreams of becoming an honorable ranger of the Night's Watch.
However, Sansa was different. It would have taken much more to get the once 13-year-old brat to change, compared to Jon who had not been nearly as spoiled as Sansa. He thought about what Sansa might have gone through in order to get to where she is today; to come all the way to the Wall in the freezing cold, to firmly declare that we must go to battle and fight, to read Ramsay's letter and not even flinch.
Jon wrestled with the idea of asking Sansa. On one hand, he wanted to know that his sister was okay. On the other hand, he was terrified that she would get angry with him for prying. He would, after all, understand if she did. If Sansa came to his room asking about the most painful moments of his life, he'd probably throw her out. Eventually, Jon decided that if he was going to be fighting a battle with Sansa, he ought to know a little more about her new personality and what brought it on.
Around dinnertime, Jon grabbed enough food for Sansa and himself and headed over to her door. Brienne, as usual, was on guard duty.
"Lord Snow" she greeted him curtly.
He winced. She wasn't trying to be rude, but it was hard to speak to a Bastard with any sense of respect. "You can call me Jon" he replied. " I had hoped to have a private lunch with my sister. You and Podrick can join the men downstairs and take a break.
"With all due respect… Jon, I swore an oath to protect Lady Stark. My place is here, standing guard."
"As you wish."
Brienne knocked on Sansa's door and announced Jon's presence. There was a long pause and then the door opened. Jon showed the food with a forced smile and Sansa politely let him pass.
Jon set the table and tried his best to open the conversation to light topics. Granted, there were very few to speak of.
"Sansa, how did you come to meet Brienne? She's certainly a rare bird." He hoped that she didn't hear the trepidation in his voice.
Sansa smiled "Brienne approached me in a tavern, she started telling me that she had once pledged her sword to my mother and now intended to protect me. At the time I thought she was quiet ridiculous, and after King's Landing there were few people that I trusted, so I refused her help. Later, she found Theon and me on the way to the Wall, she saved us from Ramsay's search party and she's been at my side since."
Jon felt himself calm a little. Sansa was voluntarily bringing up Ramsay, and that was a start. "I'm glad you had someone you could trust on your way up here. When I came up here I was joined by had large group, including Uncle Benjen and the Imp, it made the trip a lot more enjoyable." Jon was still smiling, but he detected a shift in mood with Sansa.
"The Imp, I wonder what happened to him. I was married to him you know?"
Jon was momentarily taken aback. Did they really care so little for her in King's Landing that they would marry her to the Imp? A man they considered repulsive and perverted. "That must have been an interesting marriage. Tyrion Lannister has a reputation for being… entertaining." Jon chose his words carefully, he wanted to seem relaxed, but secretly he was holding his breath.
"It was. At the time I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. I had just gotten out of the clutches of Joffrey who demeaned me on a daily basis, so I looked at my marriage to Lord Tyrion as just another way Joffrey found to humiliate me. But I found Lord Tyrion to be a sweet man."
Sansa paused, seemingly searching Jon's eyes for a sign to go forward. "I remember the day news reached King's Landing of Robb's death. I was heartbroken, but Tyrion tried so hard to comfort me. Even though we weren't friends, or even close, he was one of the few people I felt safe around in Kind's Landing."
Jon wanted to ask about the humiliation, he wanted to ask if there had been a bedding ceremony, he wanted to ask so many things. But he knew there was only one question that mattered.
"Sansa, I know that there's a lot that's happened in the past few years. And you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, but I just wanted to ask, are you okay?"
Sansa thought for what seemed like a solid minute. Her eyes stared at the wall, her face locked in thought. Jon worried that he had scared her, until she finally spoke up.
"Every fortnight of the last five years has presented me with a new horror. I have had days riddled with anxiety only to be followed by nights of crying myself to sleep." She looked up to meet him the eye "And when I finally thought I had built up enough of an emotional armor, I met Ramsay. He introduced me to a new form of hell that I wouldn't wish on anyone."
Chills ran up and down Jon's spine. "Do you still have sleepless nights?"
"It's been better since I got to Castle Black, but I only ever fall asleep long enough to have a nightmare wake me up again. Last night I chose to keep myself awake rather than revisiting those demons."
"Would you like some company tonight? We could play cards to keep ourselves busy. It would be better than just staring at the ceiling." Jon knew he had taken a stab in the dark by offering, but he wanted to make sure his sister felt at peace.
Sansa thought for a few seconds, then accepted Jon's offer. The two played card games for hours and laughed over jokes they'd learned in their years apart. But soon Sansa grew tired. Jon could see behind her laughter there was a part of Sansa that just wanted to rest.
Jon took another liberty "Sansa, maybe if you share your nightmares with someone, they'd be a little less scary. It doesn't have to be me, but I just know that after all I experienced north of the Wall, it helped to discuss some of the things that caused me anxiety."
"Jon, you are my only living family, there's no one else I trust as much as you. At the same time.." she struggled "At the same time, I don't know if I want to breath any more life into the misfortunes of my past."
"Sansa you're going to have to trust me. Those nightmares aren't going to get any better unless you confront them. You don't have to talk about the big stuff, you can start small."
"I suppose I can talk about something that used to haunt me, but doesn't anymore—Joffrey."
"Yes, the former King. I hear he was quite a little prick."
Sansa smiled "I've heard worse said about him. In the beginning though, well you remember, I was in love with him. I swooned over him. He was to be my King, and I his Queen. I think that those days before I saw his dark side were the happiest of my life. But then, I started to see the cracks of insecurity beneath all his pompous talk. And Joffrey dealt with that insecurity by acting cruel. When I was still engaged to Joffrey and Robb was still alive, Joffrey took me into the Throne Room and in front of all the people of court he had Ser Meryn Trant strip me to my undergarments and beat me. I can still hear Joffrey's voice instructing the King's Guard 'Leave her face, I like her pretty.'" Gods if I slap the life out of that boy now it would give me such joy."
Jon's fists curled on his chair's armrests, he was trying to stay calm. Sansa seemed content enough, but he didn't care. He tried to imagine young and naïve Sansa on her own with those vicious people, the thought made his heart break.
"I guess the next worse thing" Sansa continued "was the day I saw Father die. That memory still haunts my nightmares to this day." Sansa started seeming a little worn down so Jon poured her more wine. "It wasn't just seeing our Father's head roll," she took a long drink trying to steady herself "it was the complete shattering of everything I believed in; the romanticism of King's Landing, the braveness of the King's Guard, the honor of the men and women in court. All lies, all imaginary."
Jon could tell that Sansa was starting to lose herself. Sansa's eyes were once again fixed on the floor, her hands to her mouth, completely lost in thought. He had seen the look before, on men who had returned from beyond the wall and couldn't handle what they had seen.
"Would you like to stop for now, Sansa? We can continue another day."
Sansa didn't look up to meet him. "Sure" she muttered, "but will you stay and sit by the fire with me?" There was a hint of a plea in her voice. Jon started to doubt his plan, maybe having Sansa open up only made her sadder.
It wasn't long before Sansa had fallen asleep on her chair by the fire. Jon lifted her from her seat and laid her on the bed, glad that she was getting some peace. Although, as he was walking out the door, he started to hear Sansa murmuring in her sleep, and then she was flinging her arms, and then she was screaming. Jon ran over to her trying frantically to wake her.
"Sansa it's me! It's your brother, wake up! Everything is okay I promise. Sansa please, wake up!"
Brienne and Podrick stormed into the room. Sansa finally woke, but she was disoriented, still afraid. She looked at Jon confusingly, at first she tried to fight him off, but he held on tight. It occurred to him that this might not be the best thing to do, but in that moment he was desperate and scared for his little sister.
When Sansa finally realized what was going on she was quite embarrassed, "I'm terribly sorry for any worry I might have caused. I've simply been a bit off as of late. Everything is fine, you may all return to what you were doing."
Brienne's eyes met Jon's and he gave her a polite nod before she returned to post duty.
Sansa brought her knees to her chest in bed; she looked like a lost puppy. Jon went over to her bed and took one more leap of faith "Would you like me to lay with you until you fall asleep again?"
Sansa hesitated for a minute, then she hoarsely stated "sure."
Jon and Sansa lay next to eachother, neither expecting anything from each other. "You know" said Jon "yesterday when you grabbed my hand and declared plans to take back Winterfell, it was the closest I'd ever felt to you. You gave me strength to see the right decision." Jon grabbed Sansa's hand, "you gave me courage."
Sansa didn't know what to say. The idea she'd ever inspire anyone was farfetched in her mind. She was just a stupid girl. The same stupid girl who thought she could go to King's Landing and live her days as a beloved Queen. The same stupid girl who thought she could waltz back into Winterfell and reclaim it by marrying a bastard. Tears rolled down her face in bed and she could feel her throat closing up; he had to get it out, she had to tell someone.
"He raped me." She stated, clear as day while staring at the ceiling. There was no fear, no sadness, no feeling at all in the words. Simple fact. It happened. He raped me.
She felt Jon's sharp intake of breath. Even though he had suspected, it still hurt him to hear the words.
Sansa rolled over in bed to face him. "Please, whatever you do Jon, don't look at me differently because of this. Ramsay raped me and he tortured me and he made me wish I were dead. But now, I think the worst thing that could come of this is me being looked at as that 'poor Sansa Stark.' Like our Aunt Lyanna, all she was ever known for was being kidnapped and raped by Rhaegar Targaryen. I don't want pity to be my legacy, Jon. I want to move on. Promise me, Jon. I don't want you to look at me any differently now that you know."
Jon looked down at his incredibly strong, heartbroken little sister, and all he could say was "Okay Sansa, I promise."
And then she smiled. And then the tears started falling faster. And then she was sobbing. A gut wrenching, terrible sob that took all the breath out of her lungs. With each wail she shrank further and further into herself, shriveling before his eyes. Jon wrapped his arms around her sister shushing her, telling her it was going to be okay, rocking her through the pain. It was a bittersweet release of all the terrible things she kept pent inside.
"And I'll promise you one more thing" Jon said to his healing sister "I will love and protect you from this day until my last."