Oh, Great
A/N: You know…it's funny that as I write this 10 minutes to midnight on the 9th, that I'm listening to the Super Paper Mario soundtrack…and "Champion of Destruction" just started. Will Trump be as destructive as the Chaos Heart? Or will the chaos come from the civil unrest that is sure to follow?
Sorry, back on topic.
I (Oh boy here I go AGAIN) do believe that "The Very First Gentleman", now known as "Oh, Jeez", was an incredible start into the end of this season, a lot better than last year's "Naughty Ninjas" for sure. I think this time I'll just write what comes to me instead of worrying about the plot too much…that might be why the other stories took me so long.
Anyways, I guess the reason why the beaten-up member berry was dropped into Caitlyn Jenner's drink was to produce the "nostalgia vomit", which I suppose was the berries' "Plan B" as they put it last episode. (Seriously though, vomit? Really?)
But is Jenner plotting something or is she under their hypnotic influence as well?
And uh…on a more personal note, how come "The Phantom Trollbooth" only has 36 views? I admit it wasn't too good, but that's been up for about a month, compared to "Firewall Extinguisher" which already has about twice that in just a few days. Oh well….
Also, anyone else think the scene with Bill Clinton and Bill Cosby was *ahem* dumb, in more ways than one? (I just wonder what any girls think of that part, that's all I'll say)
Not part of RFSP and I don't own South Park, but do I really need to tack that on to the already long author's notes? :D
Enjoy!
"Are you fucking kidding me right now!?"
Eric Cartman had just begun to descend a hill overlooking the headquarters of Space X in California, when he noticed two things that most certainly spelled disaster.
First off, there was WAY too long of a line circling around the Space X building, with a few porta potties around the building. Secondly, there were anti-Giant Douche protestors marching up and down the streets, seemingly making the actual path to the building somewhat unintentionally inaccessible.
"What is it, babe?" asked Heidi Turner, the boy's girlfriend, as she trotted down the hill to catch up to him.
"Getting to Mars might not be as easy as I thought!"
Heidi gasped as she gazed upon the both the protestors and the humongous line that at first glance looked like it could wrap around the entire Colorado state border.
"Fucking Mr. Garrison! Fucking Ohio! Fucking Texas! Fucking North Carolina! Fucking Florida! Fucking Melissa McCarthy! Fuck-!" Cartman began to rant about the election without catching himself going off topic.
"Melissa McCarthy?" Heidi interrupted, confused about why her boyfriend would suddenly say something bad about women.
"Huh?"
"Sorry babe, I wasn't paying attention for a minute. Did you say something about Melissa McCarthy, or was that just me?"
"I…er…uh…was just saying that she's as funny as all other girls! I mean, haven't you seen Spy, Saint Vincent, or The Boss? Those movies were so keeewwllll because of her!"
Heidi giggled and replied: "Yes, she's certainly one of my favorites! Come on, we need to see what's up down there!"
Heidi began to descend the hill further with Cartman breathing a sigh of relief, only to be followed by ranting thoughts in his head about the new Ghostbusters film.
Cartman and Heidi finally reached the bottom of the hill and made their way across the largely crowded streets. Protestors with posters that read "Keep your Douche out of my Sandwich" and "The douchiest of all douches" along with "The election WAS rigged…in Douche's favor!" were littered throughout the street, some simply standing to the side of the road, while most others were constantly marching up and around the streets of Hawthorne, California.
"No Douche! No KKK! No screwing USA! No Douche! No KKK! No screwing USA!" the protestors yelled loudly as they took to the streets.
"No screwing USA?" Heidi asked with legitimate confusion.
"Don't you remember how Garrison wanted to fuck all the illegal immigrants to death?"
"Oh…right."
"Let's…just not focus on them. We're here for a completely separate reason."
Heidi nodded in agreement and the unlikely duo continued their way towards the big building that loomed in front of them, in a rather somewhat ominous way.
Approximately 3.692 minutes later, Cartman and Heidi reached the back of the line.
"Um, excuse me, what the hell is this line so damn long for?" Cartman asked one of the people in the very back of the line.
"From what I understand, all these people freaked out so much when Turd Sandwich lost, that as an act of disparity, they're trying to apply for a trip to Mars."
That information hit Cartman like a loaded bus full of the toughest concrete imaginable. He thought only Heidi and himself would get as desperate as to flee to another planet (as opposed to, say, Canada)
"What!? That's total bullshit, WE thought of it FIRST!"
"Well, great minds think alike, kid."
Cartman and Heidi walked away from the line disappointed, not knowing what to do next.
"We could always try sneaking in, couldn't we?"
"How would we do that? There's too many people that would notice."
"True…Oh! How about a diversion of some sort? Something groundbreaking that would the attention of EVERYONE in this line! Everyone will rush to see it, and we'll walk inside the building instantly!"
"What could we possibly do to get everyone riled up that much anyways?"
"I have an idea, but it might take a while."
Roughly an hour or so later, the line around the Space X building was about the same length it was when Heidi and Cartman first arrived. The pair of 4th graders had gathered up all the Giant Douche 2016 and Garrison/Jenner '16 sings they could find.
"Let's just hope this works…."
"This HAS to work! It just HAS to!"
Cartman and Heidi dumped the signs on the sidewalk across the street and simply walked as close to the Space X building as they could.
"Hey, look everybody!" Heidi yelled, effectively earning the attention of the crowd. "Giant Douche campaign signs!" Heidi said as she pointed to the other side of the road.
At first, nobody said or did anything. But then out of nowhere, everyone in the line started roaring a sort of gladiator scream of sorts, followed by the whole crowd immediately rushing across the street and setting the signs on fire.
"So my hunch was right…they were ALL Turd Sandwich supporters." Cartman mused to himself. "It doesn't take much to get them riled up, huh?"
The pair of children quickly took advantage of the opportunity and rushed inside.
"May I help you?" the receptionist at the front desk asked them.
"Uh…yeah, you guys still want to go to Mars, correct?"
The woman groaned and began reading off of a prepared speech she had printed off earlier in anticipation.
"To everyone this may concern, which will likely be 90% of the people that set foot inside our building in the next 72 hours. We humbly apologize, but we are NOWHERE NEAR close to colonizing Mars. We hate the civil unrest as much as the next guy and the guy after that, but we are still a far way off from our ultimate goal of space colonization. We wish we were much, much closer, but the reality is, we aren't, and the tickets would likely cost too much for any of you to even begin to dream about affording. Thank you and have a nice night."
The receptionist put the sheet of paper down and returned her gaze to the kids in front of her. "Does that answer all of your questions?"
"Uh…no?"
"What do you mean?" Cartman asked. "I thought you guys were practically already in space by now! And what's that you said about a pricey ticket?"
"Well, considering how this is space colonization we're talking about, a ticket is probably going to be about…eh, possibly $200,000 a person."
The giant six digit number hit the two even worse than the line around the building had ever have hoped to. Heidi simply fainted out of sudden additional distress, while Cartman just began to yell.
"Two hundred thousand dollars!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? Do you have ANY fucking idea what Denmark is doing to me-I mean, what Giant Douche is doing to the American people!?"
"Sorry little boy, but I'm afraid it can't be helped right now."
A few minutes later, the doors to the building opened back up, with Cartman and Heidi walking out of them. The long line around the building had started to pick back up, and a line of smoke was visible from across the street where the signs had been burned.
"W-W-What are we going to d-do?" Heidi asked as she began to cry.
Cartman put a hand on her to try and ease her emotional anxiety.
"I don't know babe, but…wait…what about Canada?"
Heidi stopped crying for a bit. "C-Canada?"
"Yeah…perhaps. People may be fleeing there in droves like they did here, but at least Canada is a solution that works and can be done now."
"But where would we go? What could we do?"
"We could…uh…live with…Terrance and Phillip?"
"Those guys that married the Queef Sisters?"
"Yeah…yeah! They just might remember me!"
"But…when did you ever see them up close and in person?"
"Don't you remember? Kyle's mom tried to kill them, and then I saved them? That was when she realized that killing them isn't smart or funny!"
"Hey yeah…I remember being there now…."
"And then after that, I got them back together after they split up! Trust me on this Heidi, if we can get there and find them, they should definitely take us in as thanks!"
Heidi wiped the last few tears from her eyes and stared into his. "Are you willing to take that big of a chance, though? We'd be starting all the way over and-."
Cartman put his finger to her lips. "There's really no other way. But I need to know now…are you coming with me?"
Heidi smiled and nodded. Hand in hand, the two scurried off to who knows where in any attempt to reach the great kingdom of the North.
A/N: Oy, people are going to think this is a crack fic, or something.
I honestly think a slight majority of me is just getting lazy, but I guess my one-shots for last year (Season 19) were so much better because Season 19 was quite phenomenal, while Season 20 isn't as good in comparison.
So, as far as my theories go….
1. I no longer believe that Freja Ollegard faked her suicide.
2. The Troll Trace website will still go active; it just won't target Hillary Clinton.
3. Cartman and Heidi are STILL going to break up.
4. J.J. Abrams has some part in this.
5. Dildo Schwaggins is going to die, likely at the hands of the Danish.
6. The boys and girls are going to become friends again (and all the couples will get back together)
7. Caitlyn Jenner is not hypnotized by the member berries, and is actually using the "nostalgia vomit" to progress her own agenda.
8. Mr. Garrison will go on to be president anyways.
9. Kenny probably will not get a single line of dialogue until Season 21.
10. The member berries will be destroyed by everyone's acceptance of change.
Agree? Disagree? Please leave a review! :)