Why Can't I ?
***
By: Ryoko [a.k.a. Raiju]
***
Prologue
***
I've chased after him for so long...
I know he really doesn't give two flying rat's asses about me...but still...I can never seem to get him off of my mind. Maybe - okay, I AM over obsessing about him a little too much.
Sometimes you just like someone so much that you want their world to revolve around YOU, like yours revolves around them. But sometimes life just doesn't work that way...
He's got a lot of people in his life - what a mysterious guy. Although I know this, I can't help but want him to make at least a LITTLE space for me. I want to be important to him, like he is to me.
But lately...whenever I DO get an ounce of affection out of him...I don't feel anything.
Whenever he kissed me, touched me, even looked at me...my heart used to skyrocket through the roof...but now...when he does any of those things...I don't feel anything. If he ever said "I Love You", I'd probably change my mind...but...then again...with the way everything's been going...he'll never say that to me, and even if he did...they'd just be words. Like when one of my fans says "I love you", they're just words to me...because I love only Yuki.
Yuki is my world. And lately...my world has been crumbling around me.
Everything is falling apart. He won't even look at me anymore. The last time he hugged me was over a month ago...and...we're losing the connection we once shared. I can feel this as clearly as I can feel hatred.
***
I stood on the corner of his street, soaking in the cold acid rain. I was feeling so miserable right then...
He'd thrown me out again...said it was because I was too noisy. Was I noisy? I haven't really done anything other than SING all week...I haven't even SPOKEN to him...no matter how much I want to, or try to talk with him...I just open my mouth and already I lose my nerve. He turns away and ignores me, locking himself in that makeshift Eden of his - that dark room with only two chairs, a computer and a desk - that's his world. I used to be allowed in there...but not anymore.
I slid down the concrete wall to the sidewalk, letting my soaking wet hair curtain in front of my eyes - the eyes that were welling up with tears from deep down. He's the one that created these tears. This anger and sorrow inside me...it's all Yuki's fault. I know it, but I can't blame him. Everything I do to prove that it's all HIS fault, my heart just refuses to accept, and it blames everything on myself.
Where did these tears really come from? I know Yuki brought them on...but...how long had they been there? Sure, I've made it a point to cry every day...or at least three times a week...but that's just so I don't waste away...however, what scares me is that THESE tears are different from the ones I normally cry.
Each time I come up for a shaky breath of air, another wave of pain shoots through me; like someone had lodged a knife right through an important part of my heart. Did Yuki do that to me?
I know I have to go up there soon, because it's getting dark. I don't look forward to it though, not anymore. He probably hasn't even noticed that I haven't come home yet.
Home? Is that was Yuki's place is to me? It's HOME? No...right now...it's hell. I wish he'd just give up the tough guy act for just ONE MINUTE. I want him to hold me, to kiss me, touch me, and tell me he loves me, like other lovers do to one another. But that's not Yuki. Yuki is different. He's a sheet of ice that I just can't melt on my own. And my persistence at changing him only seem to make him even more cold to me. So, as of late, I've finally given up on making him like me.
Why did this happen?
I just woke up one morning...and something snapped. I didn't love him anymore. I think I finally woke up from my imaginary world. I realized at last that he never loved me, I was just a burden.
Hearing footsteps closing in on me, I drew my knees to my chest, being extra careful to hide my face so nobody would see it as they passed. But that plan failed when the feet stopped close to me and someone put their hands on my shoulders. I looked up.
"Hi...ro?" I choked out softly, looking up slowly. It WAS him. He kneeled in front of me, looking into my eyes with worry. He said nothing, and took me into his arms, half crying, himself. "Hi...ro?" I asked again.
"You had me worried sick!" he whispered over the sound of the rain and thunder, cradling my head against his shoulder. "I went to Yuki's, but when he said you never came home...I panicked. Oh god, you scared me."
"I...I'm sorry." I whimpered, covering my face again by hiding it deeper in his sweatshirt. "I can't...go back...I'm not ready."
"Then come home with me. It'll be okay." he offered.
"I'm...not going anywhere. I wanna stay here. Alone with the rain."
"Shuichi? What's wrong with you? You're never like this..."
"I'm just a burden. I can't do anything right. I'll just keep on screwing up until I can't screw up any longer..."
"Don't talk like that. C'mon, let's go. I don't want you getting sick."
"Hiro! I...I don't wanna!" I pulled my arm back, trying to get it free of his grasp. He stood there, beside me, staring at me and knowing something was different. He sighed, pulling me into his arms again, almost in tears as he gave me the lecture.
"You're not a burden. You're my best friend. I'm not gonna let you keep talking like that. It's not like you. If Yuki's the reason why you're acting like this then you aren't going back there until I straiten that bastard out. Don't you DARE think of yourself the way you are. You understand, Shuichi?"
"I...Hiro...I..." I couldn't hold my body up any longer, and collapsed right into him, crying my heart out until I fell unconscious.
***
I woke up in Hiroshi's bed again, in his clothes. Sitting up as quickly as my spine would allow, I instantly felt the full bunt of my emotional breakdown: A splitting migraine, followed by dizziness.
Ignoring both feelings for the moment, I felt around blindly, inside, for that dagger...was it still there in my chest? Yes...but pretty faintly.
"That was quick. You alright, Shu?"
"Hn?" I raked a hand through my hair, looking up to find the brunette in the doorway. His image was so blurry...I almost couldn't tell it was him. "I...I'm okay." I lied, falling back onto the pillows in pain. My head hurt like hell, and my heart hurt even more than THAT.
"God damn it, what'd that guy DO to you?" Nakano raced to the bedside, resting a hand over one of mine that was covering my ears.
I looked up at him, tears falling down my face again. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault..."
"What's your fault?"
"Everything."
***
Game Over?
Continue?
***
By: Ryoko [a.k.a. Raiju]
***
Prologue
***
I've chased after him for so long...
I know he really doesn't give two flying rat's asses about me...but still...I can never seem to get him off of my mind. Maybe - okay, I AM over obsessing about him a little too much.
Sometimes you just like someone so much that you want their world to revolve around YOU, like yours revolves around them. But sometimes life just doesn't work that way...
He's got a lot of people in his life - what a mysterious guy. Although I know this, I can't help but want him to make at least a LITTLE space for me. I want to be important to him, like he is to me.
But lately...whenever I DO get an ounce of affection out of him...I don't feel anything.
Whenever he kissed me, touched me, even looked at me...my heart used to skyrocket through the roof...but now...when he does any of those things...I don't feel anything. If he ever said "I Love You", I'd probably change my mind...but...then again...with the way everything's been going...he'll never say that to me, and even if he did...they'd just be words. Like when one of my fans says "I love you", they're just words to me...because I love only Yuki.
Yuki is my world. And lately...my world has been crumbling around me.
Everything is falling apart. He won't even look at me anymore. The last time he hugged me was over a month ago...and...we're losing the connection we once shared. I can feel this as clearly as I can feel hatred.
***
I stood on the corner of his street, soaking in the cold acid rain. I was feeling so miserable right then...
He'd thrown me out again...said it was because I was too noisy. Was I noisy? I haven't really done anything other than SING all week...I haven't even SPOKEN to him...no matter how much I want to, or try to talk with him...I just open my mouth and already I lose my nerve. He turns away and ignores me, locking himself in that makeshift Eden of his - that dark room with only two chairs, a computer and a desk - that's his world. I used to be allowed in there...but not anymore.
I slid down the concrete wall to the sidewalk, letting my soaking wet hair curtain in front of my eyes - the eyes that were welling up with tears from deep down. He's the one that created these tears. This anger and sorrow inside me...it's all Yuki's fault. I know it, but I can't blame him. Everything I do to prove that it's all HIS fault, my heart just refuses to accept, and it blames everything on myself.
Where did these tears really come from? I know Yuki brought them on...but...how long had they been there? Sure, I've made it a point to cry every day...or at least three times a week...but that's just so I don't waste away...however, what scares me is that THESE tears are different from the ones I normally cry.
Each time I come up for a shaky breath of air, another wave of pain shoots through me; like someone had lodged a knife right through an important part of my heart. Did Yuki do that to me?
I know I have to go up there soon, because it's getting dark. I don't look forward to it though, not anymore. He probably hasn't even noticed that I haven't come home yet.
Home? Is that was Yuki's place is to me? It's HOME? No...right now...it's hell. I wish he'd just give up the tough guy act for just ONE MINUTE. I want him to hold me, to kiss me, touch me, and tell me he loves me, like other lovers do to one another. But that's not Yuki. Yuki is different. He's a sheet of ice that I just can't melt on my own. And my persistence at changing him only seem to make him even more cold to me. So, as of late, I've finally given up on making him like me.
Why did this happen?
I just woke up one morning...and something snapped. I didn't love him anymore. I think I finally woke up from my imaginary world. I realized at last that he never loved me, I was just a burden.
Hearing footsteps closing in on me, I drew my knees to my chest, being extra careful to hide my face so nobody would see it as they passed. But that plan failed when the feet stopped close to me and someone put their hands on my shoulders. I looked up.
"Hi...ro?" I choked out softly, looking up slowly. It WAS him. He kneeled in front of me, looking into my eyes with worry. He said nothing, and took me into his arms, half crying, himself. "Hi...ro?" I asked again.
"You had me worried sick!" he whispered over the sound of the rain and thunder, cradling my head against his shoulder. "I went to Yuki's, but when he said you never came home...I panicked. Oh god, you scared me."
"I...I'm sorry." I whimpered, covering my face again by hiding it deeper in his sweatshirt. "I can't...go back...I'm not ready."
"Then come home with me. It'll be okay." he offered.
"I'm...not going anywhere. I wanna stay here. Alone with the rain."
"Shuichi? What's wrong with you? You're never like this..."
"I'm just a burden. I can't do anything right. I'll just keep on screwing up until I can't screw up any longer..."
"Don't talk like that. C'mon, let's go. I don't want you getting sick."
"Hiro! I...I don't wanna!" I pulled my arm back, trying to get it free of his grasp. He stood there, beside me, staring at me and knowing something was different. He sighed, pulling me into his arms again, almost in tears as he gave me the lecture.
"You're not a burden. You're my best friend. I'm not gonna let you keep talking like that. It's not like you. If Yuki's the reason why you're acting like this then you aren't going back there until I straiten that bastard out. Don't you DARE think of yourself the way you are. You understand, Shuichi?"
"I...Hiro...I..." I couldn't hold my body up any longer, and collapsed right into him, crying my heart out until I fell unconscious.
***
I woke up in Hiroshi's bed again, in his clothes. Sitting up as quickly as my spine would allow, I instantly felt the full bunt of my emotional breakdown: A splitting migraine, followed by dizziness.
Ignoring both feelings for the moment, I felt around blindly, inside, for that dagger...was it still there in my chest? Yes...but pretty faintly.
"That was quick. You alright, Shu?"
"Hn?" I raked a hand through my hair, looking up to find the brunette in the doorway. His image was so blurry...I almost couldn't tell it was him. "I...I'm okay." I lied, falling back onto the pillows in pain. My head hurt like hell, and my heart hurt even more than THAT.
"God damn it, what'd that guy DO to you?" Nakano raced to the bedside, resting a hand over one of mine that was covering my ears.
I looked up at him, tears falling down my face again. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault..."
"What's your fault?"
"Everything."
***
Game Over?
Continue?