Link and Navi: Quest of the Two Idiots
OKAY I DO NOT OWN ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME, ALTHOUGH I DO OWN THE STRATEGY GUIDE. I ALSO OWN LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP AND CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY! DID I MISS ANYTHING? READ THIS FIC OUT LOUD BECAUSE IT MAY HELP YOU
UNDERSTAND IT.
(Our heroes have just started climbing up Death Mountain. They finally get
to the area where they must dodge falling cows.)
Link: Holy shit, Navi! Look out for that.*WHAM*cow. Cow: MOO! Link: Uh. good riddance I suppose. *Continues to skip up the mountain* Navi: *Weary voice* I'm not dead you Mother$%@#er... Link: *Mutters* Oh, great.*Rolls eyes* Navi: Were you just gonna leave me here? That was a rhetorical question, meaning don't $%@#ing answer it! Link: Chill, bro. I would've come back,*Mumbles* you stupid son of a bitch. Navi: What was that? Link: Uh. let's just continue on our quest, shall we? Navi: Yeah, whatever.
(After passing a few male skulltula, who seemed a little too "friendly",
Navi and Link have finally made it to the top of the mountain.)
Link: Wow that was a long drive. Navi: Drive? Sure we did.Ha ha. That's funny Link, you're a funny guy. Link: But we did drive. Navi: *Whispers* Shut up Link. The readers don't know that. Link: Uh.oops. I mean we only climbed, not drove. Navi: Link, please just shut up, stop being an idiot and.*Smacks Link* GET IN THE TRUNK NOW!!! Link: What trunk? You mean the trunk in the car? I thought there was no car. Navi: Link you ruin everything, you idiot. *Smiles uncomfortably* let's just continue once again.
(About a minute later.)
Navi: *Pops up out of nowhere* without driving I might add!!! (As I was saying. about a minute late, Link and Navi finally get inside the
mountain)
Link: Whoa it's so $%@#in' hot in here! How are these red tunics supposed to help me again? Navi: *Laughs insanely* HAHA! It won't, that's how! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Link: *Backs away from Navi* Okay. you keep being INSANE over there, WAY over there. While you're doing that, I'll look for the dragon thingy. Whatever the hell his name is anyway. Volcano, Vulcan, Flamer, $%@#er Head, Burning Flame, Crack Pot. Navi: Umm. I think it's Volvagia. Link: Oh right, Volvagia. Yeah let's go get him.
(After walking aimlessly around for hours, even though they should be looking for $%@#er Head, I mean Crack Pot.Anyway, Link and Navi have just
settled down for some tea and crumpets at 3ish.)
Navi: I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Link: Tea time! I love tea time! *Stuffs face with crumpets* Navi: *British accent* I like tea time as well, but is it imperative that you have to use the $%@#in' pink, flowered, plastic tea cups? I mean there isn't even any bloody tea and the crumpets are made of tofu. I despise tofu. Link: Ooh.touchy touch.*Continues to stuff face with crumpets* *Silent pause* *Clip Clop Clip Clop* Link: Oh my god. I can hear them! Get off the road Samwise, I mean Navi! Navi: I don't hear any.*Navi is grabbed by Link* Epona: *British accent* Good afternoon, gents. How are you doing? I'm doing bloody well. Link: Oh, it's only Epona.AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EPONA! Run away! Into the fire!!! Navi: Uh. Link. Link: *Screams loudly in immense pain* Navi: Your tunic doesn't work remember. Link: Oh yeah. Now I remember. Navi: Yeah that's it. Now you remember. *Link jumps out of fire* Link: Good as new, except for the 3rd degree burns and the pain. Ouch. Navi: *Smiles widely* Hey Link, you get cable on that thing?!? Ooh and the movie channels? Because I've been meaning to watch that new movie on HBO.*trails off* Link: What the hell are you talking about? Navi: *Snickers* You aren't wearing any clothes! Link: *Blushes* Uh. I'll be right back! *Covers himself and runs off*
(About 10 minutes later)
Link: I'm back! Although I feel a little violated because one of the Skulltulas was coming on to me while I was changing. Navi: How was it? Link: Huh? Navi: Never mind. Let's go. Link: Wait.what happened to Epona? Navi: I ate him. Link: YOU WHAT? Navi: What? I said I was so hungry I could eat a horse. Link: Thanks Navi, I guess. He was really getting on my nerves. Navi: *Mutters* At least he didn't get on your lap. Link: Huh? Navi: Yeah. let's continue.again.
(Later on...Don't ask I don't always have to know the time.Ok fine, it's 59
O' Clock.)
Link: Hey look its Malon! Oh yeah, we don't like her either. Malon: Like hi guys. How are you like doing? I'm like doing like fine. Did you know my mom wrote this song, too? Well she like did. I'll play it for you.*Continues to ramble on* Link: Hey Navi, you still got that AK47? Navi: *Whips out his "gun"* Nope, but I have a Scout you can snipe with. *Pretends he is a sniper and makes a "POW" noise with his mouth* Link: Right. *Sighs* Anyway, I guess this'll work.but it kind of ruins it. Oh well. Can I use it? Navi: Yeah, sure. Knock yourself out.*Mutters* please. Link: Okay, thanks. *Link aims at Malon.* POW!!! Link: $%@# I missed. Navi: 50 points for the chest, 100 points for hitting the heart as well, 150 points for getting the head, and 500 points for the "Special Spot". Link: You know this is a girl, right? Navi: Yeah.so? Link: Whatever.*Aims at Malon* POW!!! Link: Damn it! What do I get for missing? Navi: Hahaha. A swift kick in the ass! Link: No wait! Malon is dead. Navi: Aw! Well I suppose its better this way because I hate her more. Link: True, true. Let's keep going.
(While humming to "Muffin Man", they come upon Volvagia's living room.
Volvagia is playing "Conker's Bad Fur Day". As they walk in, they hear something about stigmas and a King Bee wanting to "pollinate" a flower.)
*Link and Navi dress up as door-to-door salesmen.* Link: Hello Volvagia! You've just won.a million dollars! All you have to do is kill yourself! YAY! Navi: *Whispers* Hurry up, Link. Volvagia: *Glares at Link and Navi* What are you selling? Link: We are selling free death. Want to buy some? Volvagia: Well. the last guy who offered me free death ended up in my stomach.*Rumble comes from Volvagia's stomach.* Um.I stand corrected. I'll be right with you. *Runs into bathroom* *Navi and Link look at each other with blank expressions on their faces.*
(After a few minutes pass.)
Volvagia: I'm back. Now what were you saying? Link: *Draws sword* See Navi, I told you I can draw swords well. *Sticks tongue out* Now pay up! Navi: Yeah, yeah. Here's your damn money, you greedy bastard. *Hands Link large sum of money.* *Link smiles* Volvagia: *Blank expression* Yeah. so as I was saying. What happened? Link: Oh yeah. Hi, would you like your free death now or register later? Volvagia: You shouldn't have asked me that! ROAR! Both: RUN AWAY! *Link and Navi dash away, although Navi doesn't have legs.* Link: *While running* You.think.we.could.beat.him? Navi: *While "running"* I.think.we.could. Link: *Still running* Okay.let's.fight! *Stops running and draws sword* Hahaha! I can still draw on paper good. Navi: Yes you can, but you need to work on your English. Link: Now die by paper, you bitch! *Swings piece of paper at Volvagia* Volvagia: You think a mere piece of paper can defeat me? MWUHAHAHA cough, cough. Link: I don't think.*drools for a few seconds*. Oh right...I know! *Volvagia stares at the big paper cut on his chest and then falls over and dies* Link: Victory is ours! *Gives high-five to Navi* Navi: Ow, my eye! Link you hit my eye! Link: Oh.I'm sorry about that *Pokes Navi in his other eye* Navi: Ow, my other eye! Damn you! Link: Let's just leave this damn place. Navi: I agree. Bye you stupid mountain!
(As they leave, they start to tear with joy.)
Both: We did not!
(Yes they did don't believe them.)
Link: Look buddy, we can settle this like faeries or we can take it
outside.
Navi: Hey! I find that offensive.
Link: Well it's true.
(Hey Navi, you still got that Scout?)
Navi: Yes, yes I do.
(Can I borrow it?)
Navi: I guess.but what's the occasion?
(*Aims at Link*)
POW!!!
*Link keels over.dead*
Navi: You piece of bitch! I'm going to *indistinct swearing*
(*Aims at Navi*)
POW!!! Navi: Oh great.now I get shot. Get a life, buddy.*Falls down to ground.also
dead*
(Good thing those guys are out of the way. Anyway, now they are weeping
even more tears I bet.)
Navi: We never cried!!!
POW!!!
*Navi actually dies now*
(I'll be at this all night.)
REVIEW IT PLEASE!!! IT"S MY FIRST FIC!!!
OKAY I DO NOT OWN ZELDA: OCARINA OF TIME, ALTHOUGH I DO OWN THE STRATEGY GUIDE. I ALSO OWN LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP AND CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY! DID I MISS ANYTHING? READ THIS FIC OUT LOUD BECAUSE IT MAY HELP YOU
UNDERSTAND IT.
(Our heroes have just started climbing up Death Mountain. They finally get
to the area where they must dodge falling cows.)
Link: Holy shit, Navi! Look out for that.*WHAM*cow. Cow: MOO! Link: Uh. good riddance I suppose. *Continues to skip up the mountain* Navi: *Weary voice* I'm not dead you Mother$%@#er... Link: *Mutters* Oh, great.*Rolls eyes* Navi: Were you just gonna leave me here? That was a rhetorical question, meaning don't $%@#ing answer it! Link: Chill, bro. I would've come back,*Mumbles* you stupid son of a bitch. Navi: What was that? Link: Uh. let's just continue on our quest, shall we? Navi: Yeah, whatever.
(After passing a few male skulltula, who seemed a little too "friendly",
Navi and Link have finally made it to the top of the mountain.)
Link: Wow that was a long drive. Navi: Drive? Sure we did.Ha ha. That's funny Link, you're a funny guy. Link: But we did drive. Navi: *Whispers* Shut up Link. The readers don't know that. Link: Uh.oops. I mean we only climbed, not drove. Navi: Link, please just shut up, stop being an idiot and.*Smacks Link* GET IN THE TRUNK NOW!!! Link: What trunk? You mean the trunk in the car? I thought there was no car. Navi: Link you ruin everything, you idiot. *Smiles uncomfortably* let's just continue once again.
(About a minute later.)
Navi: *Pops up out of nowhere* without driving I might add!!! (As I was saying. about a minute late, Link and Navi finally get inside the
mountain)
Link: Whoa it's so $%@#in' hot in here! How are these red tunics supposed to help me again? Navi: *Laughs insanely* HAHA! It won't, that's how! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Link: *Backs away from Navi* Okay. you keep being INSANE over there, WAY over there. While you're doing that, I'll look for the dragon thingy. Whatever the hell his name is anyway. Volcano, Vulcan, Flamer, $%@#er Head, Burning Flame, Crack Pot. Navi: Umm. I think it's Volvagia. Link: Oh right, Volvagia. Yeah let's go get him.
(After walking aimlessly around for hours, even though they should be looking for $%@#er Head, I mean Crack Pot.Anyway, Link and Navi have just
settled down for some tea and crumpets at 3ish.)
Navi: I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Link: Tea time! I love tea time! *Stuffs face with crumpets* Navi: *British accent* I like tea time as well, but is it imperative that you have to use the $%@#in' pink, flowered, plastic tea cups? I mean there isn't even any bloody tea and the crumpets are made of tofu. I despise tofu. Link: Ooh.touchy touch.*Continues to stuff face with crumpets* *Silent pause* *Clip Clop Clip Clop* Link: Oh my god. I can hear them! Get off the road Samwise, I mean Navi! Navi: I don't hear any.*Navi is grabbed by Link* Epona: *British accent* Good afternoon, gents. How are you doing? I'm doing bloody well. Link: Oh, it's only Epona.AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EPONA! Run away! Into the fire!!! Navi: Uh. Link. Link: *Screams loudly in immense pain* Navi: Your tunic doesn't work remember. Link: Oh yeah. Now I remember. Navi: Yeah that's it. Now you remember. *Link jumps out of fire* Link: Good as new, except for the 3rd degree burns and the pain. Ouch. Navi: *Smiles widely* Hey Link, you get cable on that thing?!? Ooh and the movie channels? Because I've been meaning to watch that new movie on HBO.*trails off* Link: What the hell are you talking about? Navi: *Snickers* You aren't wearing any clothes! Link: *Blushes* Uh. I'll be right back! *Covers himself and runs off*
(About 10 minutes later)
Link: I'm back! Although I feel a little violated because one of the Skulltulas was coming on to me while I was changing. Navi: How was it? Link: Huh? Navi: Never mind. Let's go. Link: Wait.what happened to Epona? Navi: I ate him. Link: YOU WHAT? Navi: What? I said I was so hungry I could eat a horse. Link: Thanks Navi, I guess. He was really getting on my nerves. Navi: *Mutters* At least he didn't get on your lap. Link: Huh? Navi: Yeah. let's continue.again.
(Later on...Don't ask I don't always have to know the time.Ok fine, it's 59
O' Clock.)
Link: Hey look its Malon! Oh yeah, we don't like her either. Malon: Like hi guys. How are you like doing? I'm like doing like fine. Did you know my mom wrote this song, too? Well she like did. I'll play it for you.*Continues to ramble on* Link: Hey Navi, you still got that AK47? Navi: *Whips out his "gun"* Nope, but I have a Scout you can snipe with. *Pretends he is a sniper and makes a "POW" noise with his mouth* Link: Right. *Sighs* Anyway, I guess this'll work.but it kind of ruins it. Oh well. Can I use it? Navi: Yeah, sure. Knock yourself out.*Mutters* please. Link: Okay, thanks. *Link aims at Malon.* POW!!! Link: $%@# I missed. Navi: 50 points for the chest, 100 points for hitting the heart as well, 150 points for getting the head, and 500 points for the "Special Spot". Link: You know this is a girl, right? Navi: Yeah.so? Link: Whatever.*Aims at Malon* POW!!! Link: Damn it! What do I get for missing? Navi: Hahaha. A swift kick in the ass! Link: No wait! Malon is dead. Navi: Aw! Well I suppose its better this way because I hate her more. Link: True, true. Let's keep going.
(While humming to "Muffin Man", they come upon Volvagia's living room.
Volvagia is playing "Conker's Bad Fur Day". As they walk in, they hear something about stigmas and a King Bee wanting to "pollinate" a flower.)
*Link and Navi dress up as door-to-door salesmen.* Link: Hello Volvagia! You've just won.a million dollars! All you have to do is kill yourself! YAY! Navi: *Whispers* Hurry up, Link. Volvagia: *Glares at Link and Navi* What are you selling? Link: We are selling free death. Want to buy some? Volvagia: Well. the last guy who offered me free death ended up in my stomach.*Rumble comes from Volvagia's stomach.* Um.I stand corrected. I'll be right with you. *Runs into bathroom* *Navi and Link look at each other with blank expressions on their faces.*
(After a few minutes pass.)
Volvagia: I'm back. Now what were you saying? Link: *Draws sword* See Navi, I told you I can draw swords well. *Sticks tongue out* Now pay up! Navi: Yeah, yeah. Here's your damn money, you greedy bastard. *Hands Link large sum of money.* *Link smiles* Volvagia: *Blank expression* Yeah. so as I was saying. What happened? Link: Oh yeah. Hi, would you like your free death now or register later? Volvagia: You shouldn't have asked me that! ROAR! Both: RUN AWAY! *Link and Navi dash away, although Navi doesn't have legs.* Link: *While running* You.think.we.could.beat.him? Navi: *While "running"* I.think.we.could. Link: *Still running* Okay.let's.fight! *Stops running and draws sword* Hahaha! I can still draw on paper good. Navi: Yes you can, but you need to work on your English. Link: Now die by paper, you bitch! *Swings piece of paper at Volvagia* Volvagia: You think a mere piece of paper can defeat me? MWUHAHAHA cough, cough. Link: I don't think.*drools for a few seconds*. Oh right...I know! *Volvagia stares at the big paper cut on his chest and then falls over and dies* Link: Victory is ours! *Gives high-five to Navi* Navi: Ow, my eye! Link you hit my eye! Link: Oh.I'm sorry about that *Pokes Navi in his other eye* Navi: Ow, my other eye! Damn you! Link: Let's just leave this damn place. Navi: I agree. Bye you stupid mountain!
(As they leave, they start to tear with joy.)
Both: We did not!
(Yes they did don't believe them.)
Link: Look buddy, we can settle this like faeries or we can take it
outside.
Navi: Hey! I find that offensive.
Link: Well it's true.
(Hey Navi, you still got that Scout?)
Navi: Yes, yes I do.
(Can I borrow it?)
Navi: I guess.but what's the occasion?
(*Aims at Link*)
POW!!!
*Link keels over.dead*
Navi: You piece of bitch! I'm going to *indistinct swearing*
(*Aims at Navi*)
POW!!! Navi: Oh great.now I get shot. Get a life, buddy.*Falls down to ground.also
dead*
(Good thing those guys are out of the way. Anyway, now they are weeping
even more tears I bet.)
Navi: We never cried!!!
POW!!!
*Navi actually dies now*
(I'll be at this all night.)
REVIEW IT PLEASE!!! IT"S MY FIRST FIC!!!