The Sword is the New Nail File
By bleached.dragon
Summary: AU Allen Walker goes to get a manicure. Allen Walker barely escapes with his life.
A/N: I have strange plot bunnies. But I suddenly imagined what it would be like for Kanda to give someone a manicure. And then it took off.
Allen Walker was going to put his already rather questionable masculinity on the line.
It's for Lenalee, he reasoned with himself, I'm just accompanying Lenalee. But no matter what he told himself, he knew that it was this kind of thing that had caused Lenalee's possessive brother to label him gay (and he was not!) and thus permit him to accompany his precious sister around, doing girlish things.
Allen sighed to himself, and this is what you get because of that. A sudden noise made him twitch with paranoia. Since his first outing with Lenalee had been stalked by her brother with what he swore was an unlicensed weapon, he had reached a Miranda level of insecurity when within a projectile range of Lenalee. Another thud and his head made a rapid 360. Allen found his heartbeat suddenly racing as if he had been hit with a defibrillator.
The white haired teen sighed, he needed a vacation.
"Strange…" the beautiful Asian girl in front of him, her long pigtails swinging, looked at the decorated storefront with an odd expression on her face, "Why are there crashing noises coming out of the Manicurist?"
Allen shrugged and just followed Lenalee into his doom.
"Kan-da!" the redhead happily sang as he wrapped his arms around the waist of the Japanese man sulking at the table in their shared apartment room.
The man reacted violently; flinging the violator of his personal bubble into the nearest wall with surprising strength, "Get the hell away from me, Lavi!"
"Aw," Lavi cooed, already used to the verbal abuse, "Yu-chan loves me!"
Yu-chan raised the nearest passable weapon, an umbrella, and made menacing gestures at Lavi, "Do. Not. Call. Me. By. My. First. Name." He snarled and jabbed at Lavi with the sunshade, inadvertently hitting a button that caused his sight to be obscured by a pink vision.
Kanda swore vehemently, who the hell keeps a pink umbrella these days?
Who the hell flung himself at Kanda again, crying, "Husband!"
Husband twitched.
"Don't treat your wife like this!" the self-proclaimed wife continued tearfully.
"Since when," the Japanese man countered with vehemence, "Did I get married to you?"
Lavi sighed and examined his nails, "So our marriage is at this stage, eh?" the redhead then ducked to avoid a deathblow via a pink umbrella.
"Anyway," Lavi was now seated a the table, having managed, in an amazing display of physical ability and desperation, to confiscate the umbrella, "You might notice, Yu-chan, that I happen to be paying all the rent."
"So?" Kanda replied ungratefully.
"So, you need to start paying some of the money, dammit!" the redhead jumped up angrily.
The Japanese man smirked, "If you haven't noticed, I don't have any money to give."
Lavi sighed; Kanda's inability to hold down a paying job was legendary, since his rapid dismissals generally involved the man threatening his boss. The redhead tried a different tact, "Since you seem to be lacking in the green stuff," he smiled his brightest smile, which came off more or less evil looking, "You are now coming to work with me at Gramps' Manicure salon."
"What?!"
Dear god, was he high?
The first thing Allen saw when he walked into the salon was a longhaired girl, holding a sharp looking pink umbrella menacingly over a red-haired man. He looked again and concluded that it was a rather masculine looking girl.
"Hey Lavi!" Lenalee stepped around Allen and over to the redhead sprawled on the floor, "Avenging girlfriend of yours?"
The 'girlfriend' turned around to reveal that she happened to be male, "What?!"
"Oh, er…" Lenalee paused awkwardly and then sudden recognition, "Kanda?"
"You know each other?" Lavi blinked.
"We met a couple years ago when Tiedoll held a barbeque," Lenalee shrugged, "What are you doing here?" she gestured pointedly at their surroundings, and then at Kanda.
"Ask him," was the curt reply.
Lavi sighed, "He is joining me in my employment to his establishment," he drawled, running a hand through his rumpled red hair.
Allen couldn't help it, he sniggered.
Immediately, the Japanese man found his way to next to the British boy, "You have a problem with that, old man?" he snapped, gesturing with the umbrella.
"Old man?" Allen glared back, outraged, "Like you have anything to say, you… you… girly man!"
"Oh boy," Lavi drawled, "We are so going to get along."
"What?!" Allen and Kanda gaped at their corresponding companion.
"But," Lenalee blinked, "When I asked you earlier if you wanted to get a manicure with me, you said yes."
"I think he's in love with her," Lavi drawled and then turned to Kanda, "So be a good boy and give the Brit a manicure."
Kanda growled and shoved Allen into a chair, "Sit."
Lenalee turned towards Lavi with a sigh, "Do you hate your job too?"
"Oh no," Lavi smiled playfully, "I relish the chance to hold the hand of a pretty girl."
"I don't know if I should be flattered or really creeped out."
At the next table, Kanda looked at the gloved hand of the British boy, clueless, "So how do you give someone a manicure anyway?"
"First, pick up his hand," Lavi knew an uphill battle when he saw one.
Kanda grudgingly obliged, and then paused, "He's wearing gloves."
"Unglove, please," Lavi sighed.
Allen hadn't realized that this part came into the process of getting a manicure, "What? No!" He shuffled away from his table, holding his hands behind his back.
"You can't get a manicure if you're not wearing gloves, Allen," Lenalee was watching the entire scene with an amused expression, "Anyway, Komui's entire theory that you're gay is based off those gloves."
"What?!"
"They are kind of gay looking," Lavi tugged one off, "Are you one of those people who keep—Whoa!"
Allen paled and closed his eyes, Oh, god no!
"Look at his nails!"
The British teen turned paler.
"And his hand!"
Allen's complexion rivaled that of a ghost.
"Are you actually gay?"
Allen blinked, "Pardon?"
"Your hand his perfectly groomed," Lenalee looked at him curiously.
"What?" the white haired boy looked down and sighed with relief, and accidentally expressed it with words, "Oh, it's the right one."
"The right one?"
Allen froze.
"Then the other one isn't?" Lavi made a lunge for the second glove just as Allen pulled back.
"Whoa!" Lavi triumphantly lifted Allen's other hand, ungloved, "I take back the gay comment. You really need our help."
Allen jerked his third degree burn lacerated hand away, "I-I-It was an accident when I was little!"
"Hm…" Lavi examined the hand as Allen struggled to hide it from view, "Somebody needs a makeover!"
"What?!"
Lenalee was smiling now as she helped Lavi pick up his box of nail files.
Allen had an impending sense of doom.
Kanda continued slowly inching for the door.
"Okay, Kanda!" the Japanese man looked at the energetically dancing Lavi and wondered why he, as the manicurist, was also tied to a chair.
"Let me go!" Allen thrashed.
"Lenalee! Hold down his hand!" Lenalee complied with a smile.
Allen gave her a puppy look, which she returned with a grin.
"Now, Kanda, clip his nails!" Kanda swore that the look on the redhead's face was one of sadism.
Kanda took one ravaged hand roughly.
"No! No! NO!" Lavi frowned, "You're supposed to gently grasp his hand as if you want to ravish it!"
"What?!" Kanda glared, "I'm clipping his nails," he jerked the said hand, "not trying to seduce him!"
Allen could tell the last statement was true due to the fact that the jerk of his hand had caused him to topple over, chair and all and now he was suspended in an extremely painful position. He could hear the ligaments in his still suspended in Kanda's grasp arm slowly being stretched beyond capacity.
"Child abuse!" Allen shot back.
"So he admits he's a kid," Kanda sneered.
"I hate you!"
"If I were an otaku, I would totally see the love/hate relationship," Lenalee propped her booted feet on a table, "But I'm not, because my brother doesn't like the thought of me gazing at pretty fictional boys."
"Mm, so you come here to gaze at the incredibly sexy me instead, right?" Lavi posed.
Lenalee looked up and then sighed, because she had a fleeting feeling that a strange shadow was hovering outside the window of the salon.
"OUCH!" Allen flailed with his free hand, tears in his eyes, "I said 'Ouch', dammit!"
"So?" Kanda growled in reply, "Your nail wont let me cut it!" It was true, the blackened thumbnail resisted the best of Kanda's efforts. "What do you paint these with? Varnish?"
"They're not painted!" Allen glared tearfully.
"Yeah, yeah, keep telling yourself that," Kanda leaned over and stood awkwardly, still tied to his chair and stumbled over to the back room.
He returned, after quite a bit of cursing, trailed by the sound of expensive things breaking, with a samurai sword. Lenalee was the only one who noticed that he was chair-less.
"Hold still," Kanda lifted the sword over his head.
No way! He was not!
Allen frantically backpedaled, "I-I-Is that thing legal?"
Kanda smirked and the sword descended.
Dear god! What have I done to warrant this?
Allen ran.
Kanda chased.
Lenalee clinked glasses with Lavi.
The End
A/N: And that's the end of my most recent delusion. I hope you enjoyed it; it was amusing for me to write. Hm, and I ended up giving Kanda Lero, I hope he learns to use pink umbrellas wisely… (Wait, is Lero pink or purple?)
Review?