AN: Planned to be just a one shot. I may or may not continue it based upon reviews. It is set in my AU "The Change" but it's an AU of the AU. I'm unsure if I'll have Bee and Sam get together in "The Change", though I do like the pairing. Title from Mr Brightside by The killers.
AN2: Edited and added some stuff. Uploaded on deviantart under a different name, so you might find it there too.
Honestly, he didn't know why he felt so nervous. It was all fake, down to the last tiny minute detail. A wonderful joke meant to freak out and piss off Galloway. Mikaela and he had already broken up by then, agreeing they made better friends, so it wasn't like it was even fake cheating on his girlfriend. He had fought being the one to do it at first, and with Bumblebee of all mechs, but he had eventually caved. So why did he find himself wanting out?
It had all started when Sam and Bumblebee had been lying out in the sun, the Scout taking the opportunity to get some of the access solar energy, and Sam just lazing on the mech's chassis listening to his radio. Galloway was meeting Skids and Mudflap, the twins having just arrived the day prior. Will and Epps were the ones taking him to meet them, and the trio had passed Bumblebee and Sam lying out together. Epps had elbowed Will and jokingly whispered, "Awe, look at the lovebirds!", but the joke was lost on the liaison. Galloway had instantly freaked out; startling Bumblebee so badly that the Scout had shot up and was battle ready in an instant, leaving Sam to fall the short distance to the ground. Within seconds the liaison had swooped down on the unsuspecting teen.
Galloway then dragged Sam by his shirt to Optimus Prime's office, going on an even larger tirade to the Autobot leader while Sam stood there with a puzzled look on his face. The poor Prime had ended up having to keep Sam and Bumblebee, Jazz and Epps, Fig and Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, and Will and Ironhide separated for a week to deter any "homosexual relations between unrelatable species". The only Guardian and Charge pairing who had escaped Galloway's wrath was Barricade and Miles, mainly because Barricade refused to actually except a Guardian role towards the teen even if he did like him, and because Galloway was terrified of the used to be Decepticon.
Naturally this not only angered the organics but their Guardians as well, and a plan of revenge against the liaison was hatched. If Galloway hated homosexuals so much, especially across species, then a fake couple would be created to have an official get together. It would probably get them all in a lot of trouble, but if they could convince the liaison it was real it might force him into resigning.
The fake wedding was essentially perfect. They had taken a large empty storage room and transformed it. He wasn't there to see it happen, but he was beyond surprised when he did see how much it looked like a real wedding chapel. Half the room was sized appropriately for the Cybertronians, and the other half was for the human members of NEST.
To everyone's surprise Prowl offered to be the one who "married" Sam and Bumblebee in the first Cybertronian/human wedding on Earth. He knew it was fake, which is the only reason his logic processor hadn't glitched and caused him to offline the first time he heard about it. Miles would act as Sam's best man, and Barricade would act as Bumblebee's. The used to be Decepticon couldn't even shutter his optics without Galloway thinking he was trying to threaten or intimidate him, so the mech had been forced into joining the wedding. Besides those two Mikaela, Will, Epps, Sarah, Annabelle, Sam's parents, Keller, Maggie, Glen, Jazz, Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Ironhide, Wheeljack, and Ratchet would also be there.
They didn't invite Optimus, nor did they inform him of the fake wedding. They did think to tell the Autobot leader that Galloway might have a meltdown about something, but that he should just ignore the annoying liaison and continue with his work. Sam personally made and sent the fake wedding invitation to the liaison.
They were having the wedding a week that they knew the liaison would already be there for meetings of some sort, so they weren't worried that he wasn't going to come. He hadn't believed it at first until he overheard the staged conversation about the wedding that Ironhide and Jazz were having. Surprisingly enough when they offered to escort him he had agreed.
And that was how he had ended up outside the fake wedding chapel, his mother trying to make his hair look more presentable. He had been shoved in a suit, and while everyone assured him he looked fine, he still felt awkward in it. There were some clothes that you could wear that you never really thought about, but he and a fancy suit didn't mix. He kept playing with the tie, much to his mother's annoyance. She went inside to her seat, leaving her son alone with Miles.
"I still say we should have put you in a dress," Miles said, grinning widely. "Maybe even Bee's bipedal form. It would have been hilarious to jack all the table cloths and use them to make it."
Sam just shook his head, fighting a smile. The image of Bumblebee in a large enough wedding dress to cover his bipedal mode was funny enough, but using all the table cloths to make it was an even funnier image somehow. His friend always knew when Sam was nervous, and what to say to help.
"Barricade and Bee already in there?" Sam asked, glancing over at Miles. The teen's hair had been gelled back and he'd been stuck in a suit to match Sam's.
Miles nodded. Barricade had been the one to take Bumblebee into the wedding chapel, and Bumblebee would be in his bipedal form, but also using a holoform to make it easier on Sam. Barricade would be doing the same so he could stand next to Miles. According to Mikaela, Galloway was already in there, sitting in between Will and Epps.
Several customs had been altered to make the wedding seem more official. The best men stood together off to the side, and neither Bee nor Sam had to walk down the aisle with a bouquet of flowers. Sam would be led down the aisle by Miles, his father having opted out of the job because he didn't think he could keep a straight face. Bumblebee would be saying his "vows" in Cybertronian, and Sam would be speaking his in English. That point had aggravated him, since he knew Galloway didn't know Cybertronian, so Bumblebee could say anything and get by with it. Sam had to wait as Judy, Sarah, Mikaela, and Maggie had written him up something to say. Then he had had to memorize it.
He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. His stomach felt like it was trying to eat itself out of a kind of nervous panic. He didn't understand why he was even nervous over a fake wedding where he was getting married to the Cybertronian he was closest to. He looked up at Miles, opening his mouth to say something, though what he didn't know, but stopped short when he saw Miles looking at him with a small smirk. He closed his mouth, resigning himself to his fate.
He nodded, and Miles took him by the arm. The two entered the fake wedding chapel, strolling down the aisle as a mixture of Cybertronian and "Here Comes the Bride" played. Miles looked fairly happy, and Sam looked slightly nervous, but did his best to put on a smile. When the two reached the end of the aisle he took his place besides Bumblebee's holoform, and Miles stood off to the side with Barricade's holoform. Both of the Cybertronians were using their preferred male holoforms.
Bumblebee gave him a reassuring smile as Prowl began the wedding. He could easily tell when his charge was nervous, even if it hadn't been showing up on Sam's face. They stood staring at each other while Prowl droned on and on, and Sam just wished it would end. He dared a glance at the audience but he couldn't see Galloway unless he turned his head, and he was unwilling to do that.
When it came time to read their vows Bumblebee went first. Only the Cybertronians present had any idea what he was saying, but Sam was fairly sure he wasn't even bothering to actually stick to something that would resemble wedding vows. For all he knew Bumblebee could be going over the latest baseball score. While he talked Sam mentally went over what the girls had written up for him, and got himself into the right mood. And then it was his turn.
Even at the beginning of his vows, Sam was surprised to notice he sounded sincere and confident. He rarely stumbled over a single world, and that just helped it to make him seem like he was choking up a bit. He was beyond thankful that the girls had made his vows out of things that he actually somewhat felt. They were just making it look more like he was in love, right? It couldn't have been that hard to do. Even guys could feel mushy things towards other guys, and that included giant alien robots from outer space.
He finished his vows, and Prowl began to finish up the ceremony. Almost all of them were surprised that Galloway hadn't stormed out already, but they continued. It finally came down to the awaited lines.
"Does anyone have any objections to the matrimony between Autobot Scout Bumblebee and human Samuel James Witwicky?" Prowl carefully asked, turning off the data pad he had been reading from. "Speak now or forever hold your peace."
Slowly, everyone but Sam and Bumblebee turned to look at Galloway. They were surprised when the liaison smirked.
"No objections at all from me. I think a love between a boy and his 'bot is quite endearing." Galloway drawled, sure that they were faking and that he would get them with his next sentence. "You can continue on to the kiss."
Wait, kiss? Sam's mind focused on that one word as he started to freak out. Oh, God, that was right, the newly married couple was supposed to share a kiss. Sam's mind was in a flurry of panicked activity, and he was pretty sure his stomach had just ate itself entirely and that he'd need to ask Ratchet to give him a new one. In a fit of hysteria he imagined the Autobot Medic yelling at him for letting his stomach eat itself over a stupid joke, and that he should have stopped the whole thing immediately.
Prowl cleared his intakes, "As there are no objections, you may now kiss your Sparkmate."
He looked at Bumblebee with wide eyes. None of them had ever thought that they'd get this far. Bumblebee was as calm as ever, though, and just smiled at Sam. Sam was calm enough to be happy that at least one of them was still capable of carrying on the fake wedding, because Sam certainly wasn't able to. That was all he could think as his Guardian tilted his head up slightly, and then kissed him.
After that anything besides basic thoughts was gone. The only things left floating around in Sam's head were that Bumblebee was holding him close and kissing him. The realization that Bumblebee must have been going for really realistic because he felt warm and soft, and his lips were smooth against Sam's slightly chapped ones. His hair felt surprisingly soft against Sam's face, and it didn't feel like anything Sam would have imagined. It felt like a real kiss, like Bee was a living, breathing, human being. And oh, it felt surprisingly nice, almost as nice as it felt to kiss Mikaela at first.
And then it all ended. Sam was slightly dazed as he looked around and noticed Galloway had run out. Everyone was laughing, high-fiving, or congratulating each other on a prank well done. He didn't have to look at Bumblebee to know he was smirking; he could practically feel it as the Autobot kept an arm wrapped around his shoulders. He couldn't tell if it was in a friendly gesture, or just in case Galloway might come back.
Brushing the mech off, he went to stand next to Miles and Mikaela. Sam was in a slight daze, mind deciding that now would be the perfect time to shut itself down and leaving the teen to just watch the going ons. It wasn't until he heard Mikaela mention that they were going to show the video tape that everything sank in.
Oh dear Primus, he had kissed his closest friend among the Cybertronians, a being from a world light years away from his own and who knows how many years older than him, a being that used a male holoform and acted as his car, and he had enjoyed it. Where had that come from?
"LadiesMan." Barricade tore Sam from his thought, the mech always using Sam's ebay username instead of his actual name. "Your face is changing colors."
Sam gaped at Barricade, but the holoform just looked back at him innocently. The ex-con was apparently merely trying to be helpful in some way by pointing out that Sam was blushing, but all he managed to do was draw Miles' attention to the fact. One look at him and Miles was laughing. He and Miles were so close that the other boy could almost read his mind, and at a time like this that was never a good thing. Somehow Sam knew that he was doomed.