A/N: Just a terrible crack fic idea I randomly had and am probably regret publishing so much- But I hope you all enjoy this randomness that typed up- Now excuse me while I cleanse myself of my sins and pray to Jashin for forgiveness-
It was a fairly normal evening in the Akatsuki base as Tobi made his way down the hall, smiling faintly at the sight of a new scorch mark on the wall from one of Deidara's bombs, as well as a decently large dent in the wall next to Itachi and Kisame's room, no doubt from a careless movement of Samehada. However, on his way to his shared room with Zetsu (even though he mostly just shared it with Zetsu's plants considering the plant nin was usually off doing his own things at night), he heard something that caught his attention from Hidan and Kakuzu's room.
"You don't fucking get it, do you?" Tobi heard Hidan's rather loud voice quite easily through the door.
"No, not really." Kakuzu responded quieter, seeming disinterested as usual.
"Tch, like someone as unenlightened as you could understand how great pain can be, you stupid heathen."
Tobi blinked. Why was Hidan talking about Sir Leader? He had never known the two to get along very well... So why was Hidan suddenly saying something nice about Pein?
That was when a thought struck him. Not bothering to listen to any more of the conversation, he took off for his room, hardly able to contain his excitement.
He was even happier to see Zetsu in the room watering one of his oh-so beloved cacti.
"Zetsu-san! Tobi has incredible news!" He said ecstatically, bouncing in place.
Zetsu looked up and tilted his head thoughtfully. "What is it, Tobi?"
The masked nin quickly peeked out the door before closing and locking it. He rushed to Zetsu's side and whispered, "Hidan-san has a crush on Pein-sama..!"
Zetsu gave him a concerned look and frowned. "Tobi, I don't think that's- Hang on, I want to see how this turns out." His black half interrupted, looking at Tobi with a small smirk. "What makes you think that, Tobi?"
"I heard Hidan-san telling Kakuzu-san!" He replied, then said with a sadder tone, "I think he's too shy to tell Leader-sama..."
Zetsu nodded his agreement, well, more his black half's agreement. The white half decided to simply stay out of it to spare himself an argument. "I do believe you're right, Tobi. Perhaps you should help poor Hidan out."
"You mean tell Leader-sama?"
"Oh, no." That wouldn't be much fun, he thought to himself. Holding back a smirk, he said, "I think you should set them up on a date. You know, make Hidan feel more comfortable to do it himself."
"That's a brilliant idea, Zetsu-san!" Tobi gasped, clapping his hands in delight. "You're so considerate!"
Zetsu just hummed thoughtfully. "You should hurry. The sooner Hidan can confess his feelings, the better."
"You're right! I'll go start planning right away!" Tobi told him, giving a salute before tearing out of the room.
The white half of Zetsu sighed. "Why'd you do that..? Because it will be entertaining. You realize someone's going to die at the end of this, right? Of course I do, that's why it'll be entertaining. Besides, it won't be us."
Zetsu's white half couldn't help but sigh once more.
Meanwhile, in Hidan and Kakuzu's room, the former was still preaching to the latter about his rituals.
"Seriously, you get to go to heaven and you become more tolerant to pain. It's a win-win!" Hidan insisted, still attempting at convincing his partner to convert to the Way of Jashin.
Kakuzu sighed and put his pencil down. "How does it make sense that you'll go to heaven for following Satan? There's no logic in it."
"Hey, fuck you! Jashin-sama in NOT Satan!" Hidan snapped, then added with a grin, "He's way more badass."
"Whatever... I'm not going to start stabbing myself for your or any god's enjoyment." The miser growled, trying to tune out what he knew would probably be a long rant.
He was surprised though when Hidan simply stood and grabbed his pike. "Tch, fine. Have fun burning in hell, and don't say I didn't warn you. I'm gonna go pray."
"Try not to track in a bunch of blood like you always do. You know it stains." Kakuzu told him nonchalantly, turning his attention back to his balance sheet.
Hidan gave the finger to the back of his partner's head before stomping out of the room, being sure to slam the door shut on his way out.
"Stupid, ungrateful ass... Can't he see I'm trying to save him here..?" Hidan muttered to himself, though stopped abruptly when Tobi came tearing down the hall and nearly slammed into the already irritated priest. "What the fuck are you doing, swirl-face?"
Tobi just beamed [after spending enough time around the overly hyper ninja, you come to know his expressions even with his mask on] and patted Hidan comfortingly on the shoulder. "Don't you worry Hidan-san! All of your troubles will be over soon!" And with that, he continued on his hurried way down the hall toward Pein's office.
Feeling extremely confused, Hidan just turned and silently made his way toward the front door once more, trying to figure out what the hell Tobi had been on about. Unable to come up with a believable explanation, Hidan shrugged it off as simple insanity and went on his way to the nearby clearing in the forest surrounding the base that he had claimed as his ritual spot.
Pein looked up from his paperwork upon hearing a rapid knocking on his door [which he was sure he had put the 'Do not disturb' sign on] and bit back a growl of irritation. He knew that was the knocking of the most annoying shinobi he had ever met.
"Come in, Tobi..."
The masked nin obliged and opened the door, though quite quickly in his excitement, causing a draft of air to blow a few loose papers off the Rinnegan user's desk.
"Ah, I'm so sorry sir!" He yelped, immediately retrieving the papers and returning them to the desktop.
Sighing and trying to keep an air of indifference, Pein asked, "What is it that you want?"
"Oh, right! I forgot to tell you this yesterday! But I met a shinobi who said he had information on one of the Jinchuuriki that he'd be willing to give!"
Pein shot to his feet as soon as the words left Tobi's mouth, his expression saying to things quite clearly: 1. He was now all business, and 2. How could you forget something that important you incompetent fucking imbecile?
Tobi shrank back slightly at the glare that Sir Leader was giving him.
"What did this shinobi say about the Jinchuuriki?" Pein demanded.
"W-Well, he said he would only say it to the leader, which is you sir..." Tobi replied, unable to stop a small stutter from escaping. But all of this effort for Hidan's sake, and Tobi knew he couldn't call himself a 'good boy' if he didn't help a friend in need. [Even though Hidan glared at him every time he referred to him as a friend]
"Then where do I find him?" The pierced nin pressed, trying to get Tobi to spill already.
"I can show you on the map where to find him; he said he'd meet you on today's date not far from the base, but there's something you should know..."
"And that is?"
Tobi gave a weak smile. "He said there was also a chance he might get caught on the way here, and if he wasn't there by 6pm then he wasn't going to be arriving at all..."
Pein shot a glance at the clock on the wall; it was already 5:40.
"Well, where is this meeting location?" He asked, unfurling a map across the desk, all care for the paperwork underneath forgotten.
"Hmm, oh, there!" Tobi pointed out a place on the map near the Konoha border not very far from the base. Pein could get there easily by running.
Pein gave a curt nod and started toward his office door. "There had better be someone waiting there for me, for your sake..." He threatened, then left the base before taking off toward the specified location.
Several seconds after the Rain nin's departure, Zetsu phased into the room. "What are you planning Tobi..?"
Tobi gave him an innocent smile. "Since Hidan-san had already left the base, I told Pein-sama about the Jinchuuriki information, though no one will be there, which I did warn him there may not be, so maybe he won't be too mad. Now I have time to get everyone else to leave the base and set up for their date, so when they both come back to the base..."
Zetsu nodded in understanding. "Not a bad plan, Tobi... I never knew you were capable of such cunning."
Tobi scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. "You think so? Oh, could you help me gather the other members in the living room so I can tell them what's going on?"
The plant nin gave another nod. "Alright Tobi."
Once the masked man skipped out of the room to gather the others, Zetsu said to himself, "Konan will not be happy... Neither will Kakuzu, but that will simply make it even better."
The rest of the Akatsuki members were gathered in the living room only a few minutes later [whichever ones Tobi couldn't convince to listen Zetsu was able to get to follow] and they looked to the two standing before them, specifically at Tobi who was bouncing excitedly in place.
"Well, what's going on, hm?" Diedara asked, wanting to get back to his sculpture he'd had to leave unfinished.
Grinning, the masked nin replied, "Leader-sama is going to have a date here."
There wasn't much of a reaction to that, though Kisame and Itachi both looked slightly confused at the shocked look on Konan's face.
He didn't tell me about this... Konan thought to herself, wondering [and hoping] that perhaps Tobi had messed up and she wasn't supposed to know.
Her attention was drawn back to the conversation when Deidara asked, "With who?" He gave her a sideways look, clearly thinking it had to do with her as well, but seeming uncertain by her expression.
"With Hidan-san of course." Tobi said, as if it were so obvious.
Everyone's jaws fell to the floor [except for Itachi, who's eyes only widened] in shock, while Konan and Kakuzu made choking sounds.
"So, I will kindly have to ask you all to leave the base so I can get things ready for them."
No one moved a muscle, everyone still in too much shock at the realization that Tobi was being dead serious.
"Tell me this is a joke, un..." Deidara begged Tobi and Zetsu, really hoping this wasn't true. As far as he knew, Hidan and Sir Leader hated each other to no end. Then again, he had been assuming the same thing with Hidan and Kakuzu...
"We're dead serious, Deidara. Now I suggest you all leave for your own sake's..." Zetsu growled, wanting to see the Leader's and the priest's reactions once they realized what was happening.
Almost everyone finally got up to leave; Konan and Kakuzu still wouldn't move.
"This isn't really happening..." Kakuzu mumbled, knowing Konan wasn't taking the news any better. No one had seemed aware of this happening, so how did Tobi...?
Then it struck him. Zetsu. That guy had a way of knowing people's secrets. If anyone were to find out personal information on someone, it was Zetsu.
How could that stupid religious bastard...? I thought he said he had no interest in mortals...
Konan's thoughts weren't too different from that. I thought Pein liked me... Sure he never outright said he did, but he always was closest to me... Did I simply mistake his behavior toward me as that and he only sees me as a friend..?
Slowly the two stood and left the base, still lost in thought on it all.
After a few moments, Kakuzu said, "So... Want to see what this all about?"
She didn't particularly like the thought of spying on Pein, but she felt there were no other options. A piece of paper peeled itself from her cloak and folded itself into a small butterfly, then fluttered off back into the base to find a hiding spot.
Hidan was still in his ritual seal when the dual voice of Zetsu startled him back into reality from the aftershocks and exhaustion of his ritual.
"Hidan, you're needed back at the base."
"What the fuck for?" Hidan growled, looking at him from the corner of his eye.
"Something important." Was his only response before he sank into the ground.
Hissing in frustration and pain, Hidan lifted his arm to yank the pike out of his chest and sat up, making a half-assed attempt at cleaning his blood up and wrapping his chest in gauze [he didn't feel like getting in an argument with Kakuzu today]. He then stood up and staggered toward the base, throwing his cloak on as he went.
Pein felt quite irritated to have wasted time at such a spot of possible danger as Konoha's border. The man who supposedly had details of a Jinchuuriki had never arrived to the meeting spot, just as Pein had figured he wouldn't. Assuming Tobi hadn't made the whole thing up.
He soon arrived back at the base, and was perplexed by what he saw. The living room was completely empty which was a rare occurrence, and the lights were dimmed. Wondering what the hell he'd walked into, he wandered into the kitchen to see the table set with food for two as well as a few candles.
What the hell..?
He jumped slightly at the sound of the front door slamming and whirled around to face an equally confused Hidan.
"Oh, shit.. Did I walk in on something for Konan?"
"I- No- At least, I don't think so..." Pein replied, oddly lost for words for once in his life.
"Well, Zetsu told me there was something important I needed to be here for, so what the fuck is it?" Hidan demanded impatiently.
"...I have no idea..."
"Are you kidding me?! My ritual was interrupted for this?!"
That was when Tobi entered the room.
"What the hell is going on here, swirl-face, eh?" Hidan asked, glaring at the masked nin accusingly. He still hadn't forgotten what he had said to him earlier.
Tobi just smiled and walked over to him, saying quietly so Pein couldn't hear, "It's okay, Hidan-san. You can confess to Pein-sama now. I'm sure he'll agree." He then gave the priest a reassuring pat on the shoulder.
Hidan just looked between the other two shinobi, completely lost. What the fuck was he supposed to confess that Sir Leader needed to agree to?
"Uh... Me and Kakuzu are thinking of adopting a cat..?" He said, very unsure if that was what was expected of him. [From somewhere outside the base, Kakuzu growled his disapproval of the statement. Pets were expensive]
Tobi rolled his eyes. "No silly! Confess your feelings for him! There's no need for you to be shy!"
The zealot was about to go into a rather long rant about all the things he hated about Sir Leader when the puzzle pieces began falling into place. The dinner, the candles, the lack of other members in the base, Tobi's earlier promise.
Sir Leader seemed to have figured out what was happening as well and was giving Hidan the most deadly glare he had ever seen Pein wear, and he had seen him get very pissed before.
"Is this true, Hidan...?" He hissed venomously.
Hidan gave Tobi a look of shock, horror, and disgust before answering. "No... Why the fuck would I like someone like you, you blasphemous shit-"
"Hidan-san!" Tobi gasped and half scolded. "That's no way to talk to your crush!"
The Steam nin spluttered indignantly, feeling his temper rising. "What the fuck kind of drugs are you on to get that idea?!"
"I don't do drugs, Tobi's a good boy! I got the idea because I heard you saying nice things about Pein to Kakuzu earlier today!"
Silence fell over the room for several moments until Hidan found his voice once more. "You stupid motherfucking shit! I was talking about physical, when-you-get-stabbed-it-hurts-like-hell pain, not this fucktard who thinks he's a fucking god! Why the fuck would I-?!" He cut himself off and started gagging at the images that had gotten into his head from the conversation.
Pein was pissed off as hell, though quite relieved that this truly was all just a large misunderstanding. That's when he caught sight of the small origami piece on top of the fridge and he felt his blood go cold.
Konan knows everything that's happening in here...
Fighting back the urge to begin hyperventilating, Pein looked back over to where Hidan was still looking ready to vomit and Tobi was trying to comfort him, apologizing for his misinterpretation.
Confirming Pein's fears, the base's door opened, revealing Konan, and a little behind her, Kakuzu. He could only silently move his mouth in a desperate attempt to say something that could fix this, though nothing came to mind.
She approached him with an unreadable expression, then sighed quietly. "...Want to forget this ever happened and move on like this never occurred..?"
He nodded weakly. "More than anything..."
Kakuzu seemed a lot less willing to just forget, and shot Tobi a death glare that clearly stated 'I will deal with you later and there is no where you can run or hide so don't even try', then grabbed the mentally scarred zealot and dragged him off to their room. The second the door closed, the screaming match/argument began [even if none of it had been Hidan's fault at all].
Tobi sighed and hung his head. He hadn't helped anyone at all, and had, in fact, made things a lot worse.
Zetsu appeared out of the floor next to him and he gave Tobi a somewhat reassuring look. "It's alright Tobi... You meant well... It's really not alright. He's as good as dead now. Don't say that..! But it's true.. We won't let anything happen to you, Tobi. Speak for yourself..."
Tobi looked up weakly. "I'm in big trouble, aren't I..?"
Zetsu shook his head. "No... You didn't mean any harm... And anyone who tries anything will have to go through me first. And we all know they're too scared to do anything against us."
The masked nin smiled. "Thank you, Zetsu-san..."
"Of course Tobi. It was nothing more than a misunderstanding. A funny as hell one at that. Shut up... This was your fault. And I regret nothing."
A/N: After my bleach bath, I think I'm good for now- I don't know where I get off writing stupidness like this, but oh well-
Tobi's just so frickin' innocent though-
And Black Zetsu's kind of a bitch- But oh well- I think we all already knew that much- XD