"What? What is it Lee? Godsdamnit Lee! What?!"
"Frak, Starbuck. I didn't say anything."
"You didn't frakkin' have to. I know you're just waiting for me to crack."
"Well it's a little too late for that. You're the most cracked person I know.
"Frakkin' comedian."
"You know, I think you're the only person who thinks I'm even remotely funny."
"What, Dee doesn't think you're a laugh riot?"
"Wounding, Starbuck. Really."
"Didn't want you to think I'd gone soft."
"Right."
"Looking at me like that will definitely get you punched."
"I didn't give you a look. Unless you mean the for-frak-sake-Starbuck look."
"That one never did go over well. Maybe you should give it up. You gave me the look again."
"Shut up Starbuck."
"Lee?"
"Kara?"
"I miss you."
"I miss you too."
"Lee?"
"Yes Kara?"
"You know you make the weirdest face when you - "
"Kara!"
"What? I was just making conversation . . . . "
"There's this thing called the weather, Kara . . ."
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She liked to stare out the window. Sure, she couldn't see the sun rise or set and only the tops of trees, but Centurions assembled in her backyard. Raiders took off, landed, re-fueled. If she couldn't do anything else, she could get as much information about their movements as possible. It was only a matter of time before she died and when that day came, hopefully she could take a frak load of toasters with her. Today, she couldn't focus. She tried counting the Raider patrol rotation. Her hands clutched at her arms, attempting to calm her. 'Oh Gods,' she thought. 'Where are you? Why am I still here? Help me.' The change in the air was palpable. She felt, rather then saw, him leaning against the wall. 'Not exactly what I had in mind,' she silently reproached.
"Wasn't I? Oh come on Kara. I'm here aren't I?"
"He came back last night."
Lee let out a slow measured sigh. "Yeah. I know."
A group of Centurions were falling in as a Raider returned from rotation and another left. Her brain wasn't cooperating. No matter how much she tried she couldn't recall when the last patrol left or even how many. The room wasn't cold, yet she was freezing. She rubbed her hands along her arms.
"The frakker came back last night. He walked back in and he -- and he -- I don't know if I can do this Lee." Her voice broke, scattering her words in sharp pitches of sound. She tried again. "I don't know if I can."
"You've never needed me to tell you what you can and can't do." He wasn't mincing words today. It hurt. "You're going to make it."
"That's bullshit and you know it!" As much as she tried to stay calm, she knew she was treading close to the edge. "Don't blow smoke up my ass. You just don't get it! No, he frakkin' strolls back in here like nothing happened. Like I hadn't taken the knives out of the drawer and slammed one into his Godsdamn brain the day before."
She had whirled around to shout at him, her arms waving wild over her head. "He came back Lee! You know what I did?" She laughed crazily, a maddened cackle. Suddenly her voice changed - low and playful, like she was telling him a secret. "I strangled him. Watched his eyes die. Again. I sent him back to wake up in another new body. I don't know how long it will take, but he'll be back soon." The thought froze her stiff with fear. Kara looked blankly at the floor. All her energy had drained. Her arms hung limp at her sides. When Lee finally looked up, he was the same as the last time she saw him: his hair was too long and he had released the top two buttons of his uniform jacket, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. A sad brittle smile on his face.
"What do you want from me? I can't make it stop. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'm a figment of your imagination or the other way around. But I do know how it will end, because you won't let it end any other way. You'll make it, Kara. You will."
Kara closed her eyes, inhaled deeply, catching a hint of him. The smell settled her. He was still there when she opened her eyes. A smirk spread slowly across her face.
"Awwwww. How sweet," she teased.
Sad smile still fixed in place, Lee pushed away from the wall. "Shut up Kara," he said.
His arms pulled her to him as he tucked her head under his chin. "You know I'm going to take as many of him with me as I possibly can," she said softly.
"Yeah." Gently Lee pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I know."
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"He wants you to love him. Funny how all the men who love you want that."
Kara coughed hard as she tried not to choke on her toothpaste. Lee stood next to the sink nervously fidgeting with the floss.
"Frak," she gasped "you."
For what seemed like an eternity, the only sound in the tiny bathroom was her trying to catch her breath. He opened the floss and closed it.
"You already did."
She felt like gagging. This was not what she wanted to talk to the Lee in her head about. In fact, she didn't want to talk to the real Lee about this. The problem with this Lee was she didn't know if he was real enough to hit. Real enough to touch her, maybe. Punching was a different level of contact with her subconscious.
"Asshole." Turning on the tap, she rinsed and spit into the sink. For a moment she was tempted to spit at him. "Is this really the time or place for this?" She grabbed a hand towel and stomped out of the bathroom.
"Why not?" He was already waiting in the bedroom when she arrived. "Gods!" she yelped. "Could you not do that? Don't you think I get enough mind frakking already without you - "
"Stop Kara! Alright!" This was definitely new. "Admit it. You'd never stay and talk about this if you had anywhere else to go." They stood facing each other,. Finally she flung the hand towel down on the bed and crossed her arms. His laugh rang in her ears, hollow and bitter. "As long as we aren't lying to ourselves."
Lee began to pace back and forth with the bed between them. "Frak Kara. We shred each other, stomp on our guts, and come back for more. I couldn't take it anymore. No. I can't take it anymore. I don't know as there is any such thing as being made for each other. I really frakkin' doubt it. Hell, Zak is dead and you've managed to maybe love two guys. I think you loved Zak. But what about us? And shut up about the 'there's nothing here' shit. You already tried that. See where that got us? There's something here. But what the frak is it? Do you love me? Or Sam? Have you ever loved any of us? Or does Leoben stand as good a chance as I did?"
She fought to keep herself from launching across the bed and strangling the breath from his lungs. Mostly because she wasn't sure it was actually possible. "I married Sam," she ground out. Her teeth were going to explode from the pressure.
"That. Wasn't. My. Question!," he roared. "Do you love him? Do you want him? Can you really, honestly tell me you walked away from me that night for him?"
She waited hoping he would get fed up and let it go, but she knew better than that. She was cornered. "You want an answer? Fine. I love you. Both of you. But yes. Sam was the easy answer. You come with complications. You frak me and then expect everything to be so easy. It's always been about you. It's about how it hurts you, makes you unhappy, complicates your life. Did you really think talking to Sam and Dee would be that easy? And what about the Admiral? I couldn't do that to him again. You just want to arrive at point B from point A without thinking about the journey in between. You can't plot things that easy. Well you know what. Frak you Lee Adama. Frak you."
She wanted to despise him. To honestly and truly hate him once and for all. Instead all she could see was him walking toward her the day she got married. The expression on his face was the same; a pain-filled, sick look that had signaled the end of whatever they had been. All that remained was a broken aching emptiness. This was what they had become; a black hole that left nothing but a dark depression in space.
She spread her hands out at her sides. "I can't give you what you want. I just can't. There are so many reasons, we'd be here all frakking day just getting through them all."
Lee took steady steps toward her bringing him so close she could feel his breath on her face. She instinctively stepped back until the bedroom wall stopped her and there was no escaping him. He pressed himself flush against her.
"Sometimes, life isn't as complicated as you think it is. Somehow you always take the hardest way and manage to convince yourself it's the best way. Why can't it be that easy? You told me before, remember? In the field? Just tell me again," he said as he brought his hand up to her cheek. She felt Lee's lips tremble beside her ear. "Just tell me again. You love me," he breathed. His lips were so soft on hers. She had dreamt about them so many times since she found herself locked in toaster hell.
Lee released her lips only to dance along the sensitive skin of her neck. In that small, shiny moment she briefly considered letting herself go. This wasn't reality, but it damn well felt good. Then she knew it was over.
"I won't." She tried to push him away. "I won't. What are you doing? Stop. Oh Gods," she moaned as he found that place behind her ear. "No! Lee. We can't do this."
He pulled back. "Why not?" he asked breathlessly.
"For starters?" she gasped. "You're in my head. You're not here." Lee pressed his reality against her thigh.
"I'm real enough," he groaned into her hair.
"Because I can't. Please. Just stop. Please. It isn't real, it isn't real, it isn't real, it isn't real, it isn't real, it isn't real." She was alone. "Lee. Lee? Where did you go? Come on Lee." Kara bolted from the room - first to the bathroom, then the living area. Nothing.
"Not funny you sadistic motherfrakker!" she screamed to the emptiness. "Lee?" she begged. The tears were rolling down her face before she realized she was crying. Defeated, she dropped to her knees. "Lee," she cried softly. "You bastard."
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"I killed him again." She sat with her legs folded under her on the floor, her hands folded neatly in her lap. The red had already left smudges on her pants.
"The funny thing is, as he was dying his blood was spilling all over my hands. I broke the mirror in the bathroom, a little trick I picked up on Caprica. I looked him in the face and all I saw was you. Your blood was everywhere." Leoben's eyes were still open, still fixed on her. "It was the first time I felt anything after killing that sick toaster. I've killed him 11 times. All 10 times before I couldn't think of anything except a nice satisfaction that I had ruined his frakkin' day." The ugly gash in his neck trickled blood. "I saw you and I was glad. I thought for once I had just gotten it over with. You were dead and I couldn't hurt you anymore." She absently rubbed at a sticky stain on her leg.
"There's nothing but you. Ever. That's why it has to be Sam. He loves me so blindly he won't know when I'm not honest with him. You would never let me get away with it. One way or another, I would kill you. Maybe you wouldn't die right away, but you'd be dead just the same."
She smiled down sweetly at Leoben and patted him on the shoulder. "Frak you very much!" she giggled. Jumping to her feet she wondered what he had brought her for dinner.
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It was his turn to stand at the window. Pretending to doze on the couch, she watched him through interwoven eyelashes. He'd come back sometime while she slept. She hadn't seen him since their fight and near frak. She had never told him about Caprica, but now there was the baby. 'The baby!' she thought suddenly frantic. "She's sleeping, Kara. She's fine." Deciding to give up the act, Kara sat up on the couch and stretched. "Thanks." Her voice was hoarse from its first use of the morning. "Um, I'm sorry," she said to his back. He didn't move. "Kara," he sighed. "Why did you never tell me? About Caprica? About what they did to you? Wouldn't you think I'd want to know?"
Kara blew a mouthful of air up at her overly long bangs. Her hair had gotten so long since they'd all moved down to New Caprica. "You didn't need to know. That's the difference Lee. You may think you'd want to know, but you really wouldn't. All you would do is freak out. And - and I didn't want anyone else to find out."
"I wouldn't have - "
"Yes you would. As my superior, it would have been your duty to have me see Cottle, tell the Admiral, file some useless report that'd be around forever. One way or another you would've done 'something'," (she used the air quotes because she knew it would annoy him) "about it. Nothing's ever quiet with you."
He replied with a chuckle, heavy with sarcasm. "That's what you really think of me? That I can't help you without making it about me," he bit out as he turned toward her. "Oh Kara. Maybe it's good you left me."
"Look, can we not fight right now? My kid's in the other room and all I need is for her to start wailing. She's still recovering from what I - what I - " She couldn't finish. Her hands were shaking again as she covered her face with them. And the tears were prickling. Apparently no amount of crying over this would be enough.
Lee stood over her for another moment before sitting down next to her on the couch. "No fighting," he said in assurance. "I'm still here for you." He bumped her knee with his, draping an arm around her shoulders. "In fact," he punctuated it with a quick squeeze. "I'll help you." This made her laugh, a harsh barking laugh.
"You? You're going to help me? Did you forget you're not really here? Wait. Never mind. I don't think I want an answer to that as you aren't really here. I think I've surpassed Baltar-level crazy."
Lee pressed his hand to his chest in mock offense. "You don't think I could help you? Maybe I'm really here." She blinked. There was a challenge under his teasing tone.
"Well, I know you're not. So let's not make this into anything more than my psychotic fantasy."
"Don't worry. You'll see. Kids love me."
"Great. Maybe you can help me kill Leoben again sometime soon too."
"Hey. It's your daydream."
"That's what I'm afraid of." Something in his eyes gave her the feeling of a threat, or a promise, she just couldn't shake.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Kara," he whispered into her ear. "Kara. You've got to wake up. Starbuck! GET UP NOW!"
She jerked awake, finding herself over someone's shoulder. Panicked and disoriented, she started to struggle wildly. Kacey wasn't there. What if she was hurt? She had to see Kacey, had to keep her in sight. Kacey. Kacey. Everything was a blur.
Oh Gods - it was Sam. Sam was alive. It took her a second to understand he was real. Really, real and not the cracked version of something she only hoped for. She wanted to hold him so hard, she absorbed him. He was here. But more importantly, she realized with a painful snap, Kacey wasn't.
She's screaming for Kacey now and somewhere in her ear she can hear Lee telling her to stay calm, find Kacey and get the hell out. The panic rises in her throat. Foot steps echo down the stairs from where she left Sam. The frakker's back, hauling the toddler behind him. He's grasping her little hand too tight. Kara wants to tell him to stop squeezing her hand because it could hurt her. Don't hurt the baby.
"I knew you'd be back. I saw it." Leoben's voice is like smooth ice, chilling as it glides down her spine.
"Give me Kacey." Her voice feels rough in her mouth. "Let me take her." Maybe, just maybe . . .
"Say the words."
"What words?" she almost screams.
"You know what I want. And I want the rest of it. Just like I told you."
No. No maybes. In the space of silence between them, she understands she's run out of options. Kacey is all she can concentrate on. Even though the child is part Cylon, the problem is -- Kacey is hers. Her little girl in an indefinable yet tangible way. It all falls into place like those moments playing Triad when it's all in or nothing at all.
"I've got your back." Pulling out all her powers of bluffing, Kara manages not to flinch as Lee's voice sounds in her ear. "Let this frakked up piece of toaster shit believe you. You can do this, Kara. I'm not going anywhere. Trust me."
She didn't. For the first time she can remember, she doesn't trust him at all. But she has no other choice.
"Fine." She has to make it real and that means giving a little. "You win." She has to steady herself for the words. Her mind is flipping through the faces of the people she loves, has loved. The words had so rarely come out of her mouth, she knows she can't separate the words from the meaning behind them -- it was going to hurt. As if on cue, Lee appears behind Leoben. "Tell me again," he purrs. She tries not to wince.
"I love you."
Leoben takes his sweet ass time basking in victory.
"Say it again," Leoben demands.
Lee's face is stone over Leoben's shoulder. "Come on Kara," he says piss and vinegar in his words. "Say it again. Tell us the truth. Tell me the truth."
Her voice betrays her as she looks into Leoben's eyes, Lee's eyes, and says what she had wanted to so many months ago. She had said it to the air in an empty field on a chill New Caprican night, but she'd never offered the truth to Lee's face. "I love you." 'I always have,' she thinks. Behind Leoben, Lee smiles.
"Now the rest," Leoben insists. When their lips meet, she tries to fight off the nausea and love in equal measure. "It's not me Kara." Lee's voice rings in her head. "Remember that. You know what to do."
Leoben pulls back and Kara wants to smash his face in. "Was it everything you thought it would be?" she asks. Leoben doesn't even notice the poison in the water.
"That and more. I won't forget this moment."
'Sanguine is the word,' she thinks. "Neither will I." He's kissing her again and she is acutely aware of how Leoben doesn't see it coming. She marvels that 'they never do.' The knife digs deep and twisting it returns a sickeningly thrilling crunch. With horror she watches Leoben's face dissolve into Lee's, terror and betrayal etched in his face as he falls. She starts to say his name, but she's not sure whose name she will call out -- Lee is almost Leoben. Kacey is watching her. She drops the knife trying desperately to see which man is on the floor while thinking of what to say. It's Sam who breaks the moment. Kacey seems to understand her mother killed for her. She reaches out her tiny hand. Kara whisks Kacey off the step and doesn't look back still unable to see which man is really lying on the floor.
"I'll explain everything later." Kacey's head bumps reassuringly against her chin. "Let's move."
Bewildered, Sam glances at the dead Leoben before following his wife.