Chapter 1

"We have to talk" I stared blankly at my husband Ryan. I entered the bar almost like a zombie. My feelings were jumbled I was confused, and scared about what I just had found out. This would surely change things. "what's wrong Cate" Ryan approached me, his arms open attempting to wrap me into them. I stopped him. "privately" I added, my left hand pulled the bar door back open, I stepped outside into the brisk winter air. "what is going on?" he joined me outside not bothering to put his jacket on. I noticed how he rubbed his arms in an attempt to provide warmth to his body. I hadn't even said anything and tears were already forming in my eyes. "I saw Julia today" I hesitated it was hard to get this out, what if he already knew that she was carrying his baby, maybe he chose Lux and I over her and her baby, but no he would never do that, that's all Ryan wanted was a child of his own. "and, what did she say? Where did you see her?" he just continued to spit questions out at me. "she's pregnant" I chewed on my lip waiting for him to react some how. I wanted him to say he knew, or that it didn't matter that he loved me, but we both know the only thing that was holding our marriage together was now gone, our baby. "she's what? She told me she wasn't, this doesn't make any sense, I have to go talk to her" he vanished into Baze's bar, emerging with his jacket and keys seconds later. "Ryan, wait" I reached for his arm but it was to late he was gone.

Inside the bar everyone was quiet. Had they heard us talking? "what is everyone looking at?" I sat down on the stool in the freshly painted bar, it was almost ready to be opened again. "nothing, do you want a drink" Baze didn't wait for me to answer he handed me a glass of wine, my favorite as much as I hate to admit it he knew me pretty well. "Cate what happened?" Lux pulled up a stool next to me. I just shook my head "I don't want to talk about it right now" I finished my glass of wine and stood back up. "I'm pretty tired I think I'm just going to go home" I rubbed my red puffy eyes, it was obvious to everyone that I had been crying. "why don't you just stay here tonight? I mean I'll take the couch and you can stay in my room" Baze stood before me. I wanted to smile but I just felt so numb. Yes my marriage to Ryan wasn't perfect but I did love him, and all of that was going to end all because I can't get pregnant, I'm broken on the inside, who wants something broken?

"yeah Cate stay here tonight, I was going to spend the night here anyway, we could stay up watching movies like a real family" Lux knew how to sucker me into doing things I really didn't want to do. She smiled waiting for me to respond to their suggestion. "okay, okay I'll stay tonight" she clapped excitedly like a child would. Together the three of us climbed the stairs that led to the loft. "so what movie do we feel like watching tonight?" Baze approached his tower of DVD's he had quite the collection. "Lux can pick" I leaned my head back against the sofa, I couldn't get my mind off of Ryan, right now he was probably with Julia, talking about how they were going to be a family, how he wanted to be a family. Baze popped in a movie, a gory horror one that I usually hated, but I was just thankful it wasn't a sappy love story. Lux sat in between us on the couch but that didn't last long. She yawned walking towards her makeshift bed room. "good night" she called to us with a smile. "night kiddo" Baze replied, I remained silent.

I pulled my phone from my pocket praying there was a text from Ryan but my screen was blank. "so want to tell me what's going on? Where did Ryan rush off to?" Baze wasn't going to let this alone. "he went to Julia's" I closed my eyes tightly hoping I could hold the tears in. "his ex Julia? Why would he be going there?" Baze wasn't the brightest and now was not a time for me to want to explain everything to him. "she's pregnant and he's the father, he's getting what he always wanted, what I cant give him because I'm broken" I was full blown crying at that point. "shh that's not true, your not broken" he wrapped his arms around me, I cried on his shoulder until my eyes felt dry. I couldn't cry anymore. His strong hands rustled through my hair as he consoled me. I knew he was just saying that to be nice because well, I Cate Cassidy was useless, I was like an old broken toy nobody could fix. I pulled myself out of Baze's arms and stared at my phone again, still nothing. Baze grabbed it "enough of this, just don't think about it right now. I know it's hard but you don't need to stress yourself out, if Ryan can't see what he's letting go, it's his loss Cate" I watched as he turned my phone off placing it on the table next to him. I wanted to yell at him but I just didn't have the strength to say anything. I just nodded moving closer I leaned my head against his chest. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tight, it was a weird I felt a sense of safeness right then, it almost felt like everything would be alright.

"I'm going to go into the bedroom and try to sleep, thanks for letting me stay here, I really needed this" I placed my lips against his gently. I wasn't trying to start anything between us I was simply saying thank you. He was here for me when I needed someone, not Ryan, where was he, with another woman. "it's really not a problem, anytime" even in the dark I could see his smile, it took up his entire face, maybe he needed me right now to. At that moment I remembered he had just ended things with Emma. "this couch isn't really comfortable" I commented waiting to see if he would catch on. "I know, that's why I'm giving you my bed tonight" I nodded walking over towards the door way. "you know you could always come stay in the bed with me. I mean its big enough and it's not like we.. " I stopped myself. "yeah your right its not like this would be the first time" he chuckled as he joined me in his room. It felt a little strange being here, I was still married to Ryan but he made it obvious that I wasn't what he wanted when he raced away to talk to Julia.

I stared up at the black ceiling. Baze was already snoring next to me. It didn't take him long, while I was changing into one of his long shirts he had passed out on the bed. This wasn't exactly what I expected when I invited him to sleep in here with me. I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted him to make me forget about Ryan and to make my heart stop hurting. After laying there for hours I got up for a drink, grabbing my phone in the process I tip toed out of the room careful not to make any noise. I turned it back on and waited patiently for the screen to load. Still nothing, not a missed call, not a voicemail, not even a lousy text message. Had Ryan forgotten me already? I dialed his number, holding my breath as it rang, once… twice.. And finally he picked up. He sounded like he was sleeping. "Cate, where are you?" he yawned only making it more obvious that even sleep was more important then I. "I'm still at Baze's where are you?" I answered in a whisper not wanting to wake Lux or Baze up. "I'm home, we need to talk but it can wait till morning. I'll see you for breakfast." those words haunted me, they were the same words I had used earlier that night when I entered the bar, but I knew they held a different meaning coming from Ryan. "I could just come home now and we can talk now" I felt like crying, my whole world was caving in on me, all because I couldn't have kids. "Cate, it's.." he hesitated "three AM just get some sleep I'll see you tomorrow" he hung up the phone before I could even argue anymore, or tell him I couldn't sleep, that I didn't want to sleep that I just wanted to know what he was going to do. In my heart I knew what he had chosen already but my mind kept telling me that maybe I was wrong.

Stumbling through the dark I stubbed my toe as I made my way back to Baze's room. "ouch" I shouted a little louder then I intended. "what happened" he mumbled sitting up as I sat down on the bed holding my left foot. "I stubbed my toe, nothing major, maybe if you had some night lights in this place it wouldn't have happened" I was always criticizing him for things he did wrong, maybe I needed to stop doing that. "sorry, I'll add that to my list of things to get, are you okay?" he reached over and flicked on the lamp next to his side of the bed. "I think I'm fine, and I'm sorry I shouldn't be taking my frustrations out on you, you don't need night lights." I stopped talking and took a deep breath in trying to control my crying, it didn't help. "shh don't cry, I told you everything will be okay. Ryan's loss could be another mans gain, any guy would be lucky to have you" I felt his arms pull me against him. I cried myself to sleep with my head on his chest, I wish I believed him about what he said but it was hard to.