Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 3
Airdate: September 30, 2018
"Welcome Home, Mr. Newman"
Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne
#TYH703
SCENE 1
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
One afternoon, Buster is watching TV when RK walks in.
RK: Hey Buster, how do you feel about guns?
BUSTER: As long as you're using them to kill animals and not kids, I guess they're okay.
RK: Well, I'll take that as an endorsement. Come on, let's go to the gun shop.
BUSTER: Why would I go there?
RK: Remember when I lost my gun after Lisa framed us for burning down Ike's?
BUSTER: Lisa? Who the hell is that?
RK: I just told you what she did to us.
BUSTER: If I don't remember her, she wasn't that important.
RK: Anyway, the cops took it away so now, I have to register for a new one.
BUSTER: Wait, if you're ten years old, how are you able to even get a gun?
RK: I don't want to explain the whole story.
BUSTER: Okay, then just explain the five minute version.
RK: Great.
A timecard shows up on the screen that reads: "Five Minutes Later." Cut to the living room where RK has finished his story.
BUSTER: Everything makes perfect sense now.
RK: Didn't I tell you? Alright, let's hit the road.
BUSTER: I never said I was going anywhere. Besides, I have some Hot Pockets in the oven.
RK: The gun shop's only five minutes away. We'll go there, I'll fill out the forms, and we'll be back before you know it.
BUSTER: I still don't get why it has to be me.
RK: Well, Wade thinks the overuse of guns has contributed to the savage behavior in today's America.
BUSTER: What about Sparky and Jaylynn?
RK: Sparky slammed the door in my face. And I don't like taking Jaylynn to places. She asks too many damn questions.
BUSTER: Of course. When you add all that up, I'm the only option you can go with! Alright, RK, you're on. But if we come back and my Hot Pockets are burnt to a crisp, I'm shooting you with your new gun.
RK: Technically, I don't get the gun today. I have to fill out the form, then there's a background check...
BUSTER: I don't care about any of that. When you get the gun, call me so I can use it or you can do it yourself while I watch.
RK: See, that attitude is why I'm taking you with me.
SCENE 2
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock is wiping down the coffee table when Sparky walks in.
SPARKY: Hey, what are you doing? I clean the coffee table around here.
BITCH CLOCK: Listen to what you just said. That's not something someone with a life would say.
SPARKY: Regardless, why are you cleaning it?
BITCH CLOCK: I'm throwing my end of summer bash, man. This one is going to be the wildest one yet.
SPARKY: Oh, hell no. The closest you'll get to a summer party is, is...I don't have anything right now, but the point is, it's not happening.
BITCH CLOCK: Exactly what makes you think I won't throw the party?
SPARKY: Because you remember what happened last year when the FBI and the SWAT team showed up at the front door? Two people got killed by a drunk driver, Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: You're saying that like I was the one that did it. I might have watched it happen, but it's not like I posted it on YouTube.
SPARKY: Look, either way, you're not throwing that party. And if you do, I'm throwing you out of the house.
BITCH CLOCK: You're not serious. You're pulling my leg. You'll never throw me out, you joker.
Sparky gives Bitch Clock an angry expression.
BITCH CLOCK: Don't give me that look, you're...you're making me think you're serious.
Sparky's expression does not change.
BITCH CLOCK: Damn, I wish I was drunk right now so I could forget everything you said.
SCENE 3
RK is driving Buster home after their trip to the gun shop.
RK: Well, that was easier than I thought. What did I tell you, buddy? In and out.
BUSTER: The guy who owns that store is racist. I don't know how I know, I just got the feeling.
RK: He probably is, but that's the only gun shop in Seattle. Hey, is that smoke coming from your building?
BUSTER: Oh no, my oven! I never turned it off, my condo's probably on fire!
RK: Relax, man, that's probably some other guy in your building waiting for the fire department to save him. I bet it's nothing.
SCENE 4
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster and RK are standing in the middle of the charred remains of Buster's living room. Firemen are all over the place surveying the damage. Buster gives RK an angry look and growls at him.
RK: You know, I think this is a learning experience. Hot Pockets just aren't the kind of snack that you can put in an oven.
BUSTER: In and out, you said. Don't worry about it, you said. It's nothing, you said. DO YOU THINK THIS IS NOTHING?!
RK: Look, Buster, if I could turn back time, I would. But Wade doesn't want me using the time machine if he's not around to supervise.
BUSTER: RK, this was my condo, my home. Where am I supposed to sleep or eat or have long, deep conversations about my feelings?!
RK: Don't worry about it. You can do all that stuff en mi casa.
BUSTER: I don't watch Dora the Explorer anymore. I have no idea what you just said.
RK: I'm saying, you can live with me and KG until your condo gets fixed. It will be great.
BUSTER: Forget it. I'm not living anywhere with you or your arsonist brother while living in your pyrotechnic house.
RK: Well, when you really think about it, there was a perfect solution to all this.
BUSTER: What?
RK: YOU COULD HAVE TURNED OFF THE OVEN!
Beat.
BUSTER: You burned down my place. Don't yell at me.
SCENE 5
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The kids are eating ice cream sundaes that same day.
SPARKY: Buster, I just want to let you know that there's no rush for you to find a new place. You can stay with me for as long as you want.
BUSTER: Thanks, buddy.
RK: Hey, wait a minute. I offered to let you live with me and you said no. Why are you going with Sparky?
BUSTER: Because he's my best friend and he didn't indirectly burn my condo to the ground.
WADE: Yeah, but Buster, remember the last time you and Sparky were roommates?
BUSTER: I feel like I've matured since then. Wait, how come Woody forgot to put the red gummy bears in my sundae?!
WADE: Yup, you're the pinnacle of sophistication.
JAYLYNN: Are you okay, man? I know what it's like to lose everything you have.
BUSTER: I guess I'll be okay. I mean, you lost your parents and you're still alive. Meanwhile, I lost all the memories of my condo and I feel like the world is ending.
WADE: Did they say when you would be able to move back in?
BUSTER: It would take weeks. They have to get new curtains, put some spackle on the walls, bust up the chifferobe, and some other fix it stuff I don't understand.
RK: Don't worry, buddy. When that condo is fixed up, it's going to be better than ever. You won't even remember what happened.
BUSTER: Yeah, it probably will. I'm going to go have a talk with Woody about these gummy bears.
Buster leaves the booth with his sundae while RK sighs.
JAYLYNN: Something bothering you, champ?
RK: Never call me that again.
JAYLYNN: I just think it sounds cute!
SPARKY: RK, you didn't do anything wrong. You weren't the one who told Buster to leave the oven on.
WADE: Yeah, he's just projecting his anger towards you because he doesn't want to take responsibility for what happened. It will pass.
RK: But how long is that gonna take? Buster's my boy, I don't want him to hate me for the rest of my life. What if he never gets over it?
Cut to a fantasy sequence of RK and Buster sitting in a retirement home, several years after the incident.
RK: Buster, can you...can you turn on the TV?
BUSTER: I had a TV when I was nine years old. And you burned it down!
RK: I told ya, you old bastard, I didn't do anything wrong!
BUSTER: I remember everything, RK. I remember when you walked in there...and you killed me!
RK: You're still alive, you damn fish-eyed fool!
Beat.
BUSTER: Wait, what was I talking about just now?
RK: What?!
BUSTER: WHAT?!
RK: I said, give me your applesauce!
Cut to the present day.
SPARKY: I don't get it.
RK: That's how my grandfather talked before he died. Don't think about it too much.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster is watching TV the next day when Bitch Clock walks in the room and turns off the TV.
BUSTER: Hey, what are you doing?!
BITCH CLOCK: You were watching Nickelodeon, not Downton Abbey. Expand your tastes before your IQ gets lower than it already is.
BUSTER: I have half a mind to punch you in your stomach!
BITCH CLOCK: Sorry, man, I shouldn't be such an ass. It's just that I wanted to throw my big end of summer bash and Sparky said no.
BUSTER: Oh yeah, I heard about that. Is it true that at last year's party, you had a shootout with the cops?
BITCH CLOCK: That's nothing but alternative facts. I busted my gun and all those cops went down.
BUSTER: I'm starting not to follow what's going on here.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, for years, Sparky has been the man of the house. I've always had to play by his rules. And for what?
BUSTER: Because you're a reckless alcoholic that would have died if he never took you in?
BITCH CLOCK: I'm not buying your innocent act. I know exactly what you are.
BUSTER: What act?
BITCH CLOCK: Exactly. Listen, this party is going to go down tomorrow night, and if Sparky doesn't say yes, I'm going to have no choice but to throw it behind his back and give him drugs so potent, he won't even remember that I live here for at least 48 hours.
BUSTER: That's evil.
BITCH CLOCK: Which is why I need you to convince Sparky to let me throw my party.
BUSTER: Why me? I'm not getting invited.
BITCH CLOCK: Because you live here now. There's a third party, a brand new influence in the house. Sparky's not going to say no to his best friend.
BUSTER: I don't know about all that. One time, I asked him for his pizza, and he just looked at me. He didn't even say anything, just a look. I never forgot that day.
BITCH CLOCK: Sounds like something you can put in your memoir. So do we have a deal or not?
BUSTER: I don't think so. What's in it for me?
BITCH CLOCK: Nothing. I'm not offering you a damn thing.
BUSTER: Well, at least I know you're not lying to me. I'll see what I can do.
SCENE 7
Space Needle Diner
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Sparky and Buster are eating oatmeal together.
BUSTER: So I really think it would mean a lot to Bitch Clock if he could have his party.
SPARKY: That's not really enough to convince me.
BUSTER: Well, maybe I shouldn't have used that as my opening statement.
SPARKY: Look, if I thought Bitch Clock was responsible and trustworthy, I would let him throw his party. But he's never been either of those things, so why would I let him?
BUSTER: Because you care about people.
SPARKY: What do you mean?
BUSTER: Think about it, Sparky. You love making people happy and putting smiles on their faces. That's why you're my best friend, because you're always going to make sure I'm taken care of before you are.
SPARKY: Okay, I'm listening.
BUSTER: Wait, hang on, brain fart.
Beat.
BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Get on with it, genius!
BUSTER: Okay, you don't have to make fun of me! Anyway, what was I saying? Right, you caring and junk. You cared enough to give Bitch Clock a home when nobody else would. You cared enough to put up with him and all his crazy adventures. Don't you think you could care enough to let him have fun one more time before the summer ends?
SPARKY: Nah, I'm good.
BUSTER: Well, what about this? You let Bitch Clock have a party, but you don't let him have his party.
SPARKY: This is a very weird talk.
BUSTER: You tell Bitch Clock he can have the summer bash, but you make it really lame. Take away everything that makes the party so dangerous. His guests will be so disgusted, they'll never want to party with him again.
SPARKY: Reverse psychology. I like that. Let's put it in action.
BUSTER: So I really think it would mean a lot to Bitch Clock if you let him have his party.
SPARKY: Buster, you already said that.
BUSTER: I know, but this time, I have a reason to say it.
SCENE 8
That night, Sparky is driving home with Buster.
SPARKY: So are you ever going to forgive RK?
BUSTER: Doubt it. It takes time to let things like that go. I mean, did the townspeople ever forgive the boy who cried wolf?
SPARKY: No, because he died.
BUSTER: See, it was too late for him. You live and learn.
SPARKY: Buster, did you ever think that all you had to do was turn your oven off? How could RK be responsible for that?
BUSTER: I only had five seconds to make that decision.
SPARKY: Really?
Beat.
BUSTER: Don't look at me like that. Giving me that look like you know all my secrets and shit.
SPARKY: Dude, you have to talk to him about this. He thinks you hate him now.
BUSTER: What? I could never hate RK, why would he think that? That's an accusation!
SPARKY: Because you blamed him for your condo burning down!
BUSTER: Oh yeah. You know, you're right. I should say I'm sorry before a wolf ends up killing me. Sparky, why am I so stupid?
SPARKY: You're not stupid, you just did a stupid thing. We've all been there.
Beat.
BUSTER: Hey, how come all those cars are parked near your house?
SPARKY: What cars?
Sparky squints his eyes and notices several cars near his front yard.
SPARKY: That metalhead son of a bitch.
BUSTER: Sparky, what's going on? Are the cops coming?
SPARKY: See, Buster, this is the difference between doing a stupid thing and being a stupid person. Tonight, I'm gonna kill a stupid person with my bare hands.
SCENE 9
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
("So What" by P!nk plays inside the house)
Sparky and Buster walk inside the house where Bitch Clock is throwing his end of summer bash anyway. A beer bottle gets thrown at the boys, but they duck and the bottle breaks on the front door.
BUSTER: I'm glad I wasn't invited.
SPARKY: Where is he? I'm gonna slaughter him!
At that point, a drunken Bitch Clock approaches the boys with a lampshade on his head while holding a beer can.
BITCH CLOCK: Heeeey boys. You made it! Wipe your shoes on the floor, a lot of people came in here smelling like a bunch of pot-smoking, alcohol-drinking, crack-smoking, meth-smoking...heeeeey, boys.
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, I want all these people out of here! You could get us both arrested!
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, there's nothing wrong with going to jail. I did a bid or two and I came out of it finer than fine china. By the way, make sure you have some cigarettes on ya to trade so nobody hurts ya.
SPARKY: EVERYBODY GET OUT OF MY DAMN HOUSE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!
BUSTER: TOO LATE, I ALREADY HEAR THEM COMING!
At that point, the partygoers clear the living room, exiting through the front and back doors to avoid the wrath of the cops.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, where did everybody go? We were about to ride the loopty loops with the hula hoop!
SPARKY: I should stuff a hula hoop down your throat after what you did tonight!
BUSTER: Wait, hang on a minute. You can smoke meth?
SCENE 10
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Bitch Clock's bags are set up at the front door. He rolls one more bag from the attic and adds it to the group.
SPARKY: How much stuff did you have in this house?
BITCH CLOCK: Most of this is from my booze cave. I have to make sure it stays cold or else it's going to taste gross. But you would want me to drink warm, skunky alcohol, wouldn't you?
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, you left me no choice. You went behind my back and put me in a situation that almost got me in jail. So until you learn to be more responsible, you're out of here.
BITCH CLOCK: Fine. I guess it really is the end of me living here. But just so you know, I'm always going to appreciate the times we spent together. I'm always going to appreciate how you let me in your home and gave me a hot meal when everyone else thought I was a bum. And I will never gloss over the fact that...
SPARKY: None of this is working. You were better off just leaving.
BITCH CLOCK: Ah, f*** your mother.
Bitch Clock leaves the house with his bags. At that point, Buster walks downstairs with his own bags while wearing a fedora.
SPARKY: Buster, what's going on here?
BUSTER: Look, Sparky, I love the fact that you let me live here for a little bit, but I can't stay forever. I have to move on. Don't worry, I explain everything here in this letter I wrote you.
Buster gives Sparky a piece of paper made to look like a card. On the front cover, it says "Buster's Letter." Sparky opens the letter to see a drawing of Buster waving goodbye near Sparky's front door wearing the same clothes he's currently wearing.
SPARKY: Buster, this doesn't explain anything.
BUSTER: Listen, Sparky, we're always going to be best friends. But the more I stay here, the more likely we're going to end up hating each other like the last time I lived here. It's just not something I want to go through again.
SPARKY: Where will you go?
BUSTER: I don't know. Wherever the wind blows me, I guess. Maybe I could apologize to RK and he'll let me live with him.
SPARKY: Good for you, Buster. I always thought you and RK would make good roommates.
BUSTER: Really? What does Jaylynn think?
SPARKY: I don't know, she's never talked about it.
BUSTER: Well, find out if you can. The minute we stop caring about Jaylynn's opinion is the minute we stop caring about who we really are.
SCENE 11
Later on, Buster is driving while still wearing his fedora.
BUSTER: It's easy. I just go over there, let RK know that I was being a jerk and I would love to live with him. It's so simple. It's so simple, it's...it's complex. Wait a minute, what if it is complex? I mean, maybe RK's over the whole thing and he hates me because of how I acted. Maybe he's done with me. And even if he isn't, who's to say KG would let me stay with them? We're not that close anyway. What if I move in, and I end up not being friends with RK anymore? No, I can't let that happen. I need to stay away from RK as much as possible to protect our friendship. It's the only way.
Beat.
BUSTER: But where am I going to live now?
SCENE 12
The Saleh Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Lynne is watching TV when she hears the doorbell ring.
LYNNE: Hang on.
Lynne walks up to the door and opens it to reveal Buster with his bags.
BUSTER: How do you do, Lynne?
LYNNE: Hey, um...wait, who are you again?
BUSTER: I'm Buster, remember? Sparky's best friend? We've met before.
LYNNE: I thought Jaylynn was Sparky's best friend and you were Wade.
BUSTER: No, that's...I don't even know how to answer that. Look, my condo burned down and I really don't have any place to stay. Do you think I could crash here for a while? You know, while I'm planning out my next move?
LYNNE: I guess you can, but I don't know why you can't just live with one of your friends.
BUSTER: I can't do that. If I live with them, I'm just going to end up fighting with them and hating them. It's science.
LYNNE: So, you have no problem fighting with me and hating me?
BUSTER: Hey, before I came here, you thought I was Wade. We have a lot of work to do.
LYNNE: You got a point. Okay, make yourself at home. But I just have one condition.
BUSTER: Sure, what is it?
LYNNE: Could you try keeping this from Jaylynn for a while? I don't want her to think this was my idea and I'm corrupting you or something.
BUSTER: I don't know. It's Jaylynn, I don't like lying to her.
LYNNE: What, do you have a crush on her or something?
BUSTER: No, of course not. Do you?
LYNNE: No, and if you accuse me of that again, you're going back to the streets.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Sparky is watching TV when RK walks in.
SPARKY: Hey RK.
RK: Where's Buster? We need to talk about what's going on here.
SPARKY: He's actually trying to avoid you.
RK: Why?
SPARKY: Because he wants to stay friends with you.
RK: That doesn't make any sense.
SPARKY: Look, he was going to come over, but he wasn't ready to talk about the whole thing. I would just wait for him to call you and then he can explain it. He's staying at Lynne's apartment.
RK: Lynne? Okay, I don't know what's going on with the water supply here in Seattle, but I'm just going to pretend this conversation never happened. Hey, how come your living room doesn't smell like wine coolers?
SPARKY: Oh, I kicked out Bitch Clock. I got tired of him acting like a reckless manchild.
RK: Wait, so Buster's condo burned down and now he's living with Lynne, and Bitch Clock got kicked out of this place?
SPARKY: Yup.
Beat.
RK: What the f***'s happening to the world?
SCENE 14
The Saleh Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same night, Buster and Lynne are watching TV.
LYNNE: So your condo really burned down, huh? You're just a homeless boy, right?
BUSTER: Yeah, I'm homeless. You know, I actually imagined what life would be like if I got to live with characters on TV. That way, it wouldn't feel like I had no place to stay.
LYNNE: What were the characters?
BUSTER: Well, first, I imagined being on The Fosters.
(The instrumental to "Where You Belong" by Kari Kimmel plays briefly in the background as the "Thank You, Heavenly" logo appears in the style of the "Fosters" logo)
Buster is shown sitting on Callie's bed as Callie herself is getting ready for bed.
CALLIE: So I have this meeting with the social worker tomorrow, and I think I might get the job as her assistant, but I don't know. I came from a system that broke up a lot of families, and I don't know if I can go back to it. Because if I do, am I just continuing the cycle? You know, to, uh...break up families and put together new ones?
BUSTER: What?
CALLIE: I mean, I just don't know. I don't know about life sometimes. What if I'm just wasting my life? What if I'm just an opportunist? What if things aren't where they're supposed to be? What if I die before my life really starts? It's just too much to think about, Buster.
Beat.
BUSTER: Wait, I'm confused. Why are you and Mariana getting the spin-off again?
Cut to the present day.
BUSTER: I also thought about life on Bear and the Big Blue House.
The "Bear and the Big Blue House" theme plays briefly in the background as the camera zooms into the front door to Bear's house. However, when the door opens, Buster is shown greeting the audience instead of Bear.
BUSTER: Hey everybody. Welcome to the place. Hmmm, I smell something.
Buster begins to smell an unknown scent.
BUSTER: It smells like...*sniffs*...strawberries and...*sniffs*...maple syrup and...*sniffs*...waffles.
Buster begins smelling around the house and then begins smelling the camera.
BUSTER: Oh, it's you! You must have had waffles with strawberries this morning. I bet you smell like that all the time. Come on in.
BEAR: Hey, what's going on?
BUSTER: Sorry, Bear, I just wanted to introduce the show today.
BEAR: No, not that. It smells like... *sniffs* ...Mountain Dew and...*sniffs*...hydrogen peroxide and...*sniffs*...fear.
Bear begins to look for the scent and then starts smelling Buster, but Buster screams and backs away.
BEAR: Of course, it's you!
BUSTER: I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS, YOU PERVERT!
Buster runs out of the house as Bear watches him with a confused look on his face.
BEAR: Hmmm. He has to smell like that all the time.
Cut back to the present day.
LYNNE: That doesn't sound right.
BUSTER: No, I always thought it was weird that Bear liked smelling kids.
SCENE 15
The Saleh Apartment
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Buster leaves the apartment when he gets a call.
BUSTER: Talk to me.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey Buster, how's it going over there? Sparky giving you a hard time? Does he miss me?
BUSTER: Oh, I don't live with Sparky anymore. I'm at Lynne's place now.
Cut to Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Lynne? Who's that?
Cut back to Buster.
BUSTER: Anja's sister.
Cut back to Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Doesn't Ashley have a sister too?
Cut back to Buster.
BUSTER: I'm not doing this again. Look, I'm about to go for a walk. Why did you call me?
BITCH CLOCK: Well, I had a proposal for you, but it's too hot right now. I need to talk to you about this one-on-one so no one's spying on you.
BUSTER: Are you trying to kill me?
Cut back to Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: No, you dumbass. Listen, I'll send you the address to a restaurant and you can meet me there tonight at 8:30. But don't tell Lynne where you're going.
Cut back to Buster.
BUSTER: But I don't know what to lie about.
Cut back to Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Just come up with something, that girl barely knows you. Say you're riding dirtbikes with Sparky or some shit.
Cut back to Buster.
BUSTER: But neither me or Sparky owns a dirtbike.
BITCH CLOCK: I swear, I'm this close to coming out of the phone and strangling you.
BUSTER: That's not even possible.
Buster hangs up and leaves the hallway.
SCENE 16
Oryon's
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
That night, Buster pulls up to the restaurant in question's parking lot. He gets out of the car and scratches his head when he sees that the restaurant Bitch Clock was talking about is really a bar.
("Stone Rollin'" by Raphael Saadiq plays over the bar's loudspeakers)
Buster walks in and starts dancing when he hears "Stone Rollin'," but stops when he sees other customers looking at him with confusion and hangs his head in shame. He then looks up and sees an empty seat right next to Bitch Clock who is sitting on a bar stool. Buster walks over to the seat.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, there you are. I was starting to think you couldn't read directions and got lost.
BUSTER: I don't get it. Why did you want me to meet you at Oryon's? Are kids even allowed here?
BITCH CLOCK: Of course they are. This is a quality family-friendly restaurant with Irish pride. By the way, here's your fake I.D. so no one messes with you.
Bitch Clock gives Buster a fake Washington state I.D., which shows the picture and name of actor Danny DeVito.
BUSTER: Okay?
BITCH CLOCK: Look, Buster, the fact is, you need a new home and I need an enabler. I have a spare room in my apartment that you could use.
BUSTER: But I'm already living with Lynne.
BITCH CLOCK: That's just a temporary arrangement. Sooner or later, that Indian girl's going to get sick of you.
BUSTER: Lynne's from Palestine.
BITCH CLOCK: Well, pardon me for not giving a shit about geography in high school. So is it a deal or not?
BUSTER: I don't think so. I'm getting tired of moving everywhere. Besides, don't you like being alone and doing whatever you want?
BITCH CLOCK: Kinda, but it's already gotten boring. Having another person living with me makes it more exciting. Plus, I have no reason to kick you out. It's not like you're ever going to try drugs or join a gang or start robbing liquor stores. You're not, are you?
BUSTER: No.
BITCH CLOCK: Great. So do we have a deal?
Buster rubs his chin and shakes Bitch Clock's hand.
BUSTER: Looks like we do. I just feel bad for Lynne. We were really starting to become friends. I hope she can handle it.
Cut to Buster sitting next to Lynne at her apartment later on.
BUSTER: I'm sorry, but I can't live here anymore. I'm moving in with Bitch Clock.
Beat.
LYNNE: Alright, brah.
SCENE 17
Bitch Clock's Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster walks into Bitch Clock's apartment that same night as Bitch Clock turns on the lights.
BITCH CLOCK: Welcome to Casa Su Estoy Chimichanga Bitch Clock. I have no idea what I just said, but I didn't give a shit about Spanish when I was in high school either.
BUSTER: It's okay. I'm just happy to have a permanent home. Hey, man, why are there so many bags of weed in those boxes?
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, so you think I'm a drug dealer now? Is that the topic tonight?
BUSTER: Yes, because all the boxes are labeled "Marijuana Product."
Cut to a shot of the boxes near the kitchen labeled "Marijuana Product." Cut back to Buster and Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Okay, I'm a drug dealer. Truth is, I've had this apartment for years to sell my weed supply. And when Sparky kicked me out, this was the only place I could go. They say you shouldn't keep your drugs where you rest at, but that only applies to crack so I'm not disrespecting the streets.
BUSTER: Dude, are you crazy? I can't live with a drug dealer! It's not Power!
BITCH CLOCK: Relax, I've been doing this since I moved to town and I've never ran into any problems. And this is just a nickel and dime operation, so you don't have to worry about seeing any action.
BUSTER: I better not. But a word of advice, try charging more. This business isn't worth getting paid in only nickels and dimes.
Bitch Clock gives Buster an annoyed expression.
SCENE 18
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The next day, RK is with Wade and Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: Wait, let me see if I got this down. Buster doesn't want to live with you because he's afraid of what might happen to your friendship, so he's avoiding you and not answering any of your texts and phone calls?
RK: Exactly.
JAYLYNN: Well, if it makes sense to him.
WADE: RK, you can't let this nonsense continue. You need to confront Buster about what he's doing and settle your differences.
RK: Of course. Why don't I just try talking to him even though I've already tried that and it's not working? Genius plan.
WADE: I mean, get drastic. Do it face-to-face so that way, he can't try to get out of it.
RK: Well, I could, but I didn't see him at Lynne's place today. He's living with Bitch Clock now, but I need to get the address.
WADE: You could always ask Sparky for it.
RK: I don't know if he has it. Him and Bitch Clock had a falling out so I don't think he wants to be up on anything that drunk is doing.
WADE: He'll want to be up on it if he finds out Buster's there. He might even force Buster to come live with you and this will all be over.
RK: It couldn't hurt to try it. This has already taken two years off my life.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute, Buster lived with Lynne? Did she do something to him?!
RK: Jaylynn, you...do you not see that I'm tired?
SCENE 19
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is telling Sparky about Buster's current living situation.
SPARKY: Buster's living with Bitch Clock?!
RK: Yeah, Lynne told me this morning. I thought she was joking, but she has the same tone with everything she says so I got a little scared.
SPARKY: I don't want my best friend being roommates with that jackass! He's just going to take advantage of him and treat him like garbage! That's it, you and I are putting a stop to this right now. I just need to get the address and then we can go there to talk some sense into that boy.
RK: Okay, well, if you're going to get the address, don't make Buster think you're coming there to yell at him. You can't think straight when you're mad.
SPARKY: I'M NOT MAD!
RK: See, it would help if you didn't contradict what I just said.
Sparky's phone starts ringing.
BUSTER: Talk to me.
SPARKY: Hey Buster, buddy. What's the haps? How are you doing with Lynne?
Cut to Buster.
BUSTER: Oh, I don't live there anymore. I moved in with Bitch Clock.
Cut back to Sparky.
SPARKY: You don't say. Well, good for you moving in with him. I hear his apartment has a great view of downtown Seattle.
Cut back to Buster.
BUSTER: It does, and guess what? The guy has his own underground drug dealing business. About a half hour ago, he taught me how much weed you can stuff in a small baggie.
Cut back to Sparky.
SPARKY: That's awe-inspiring. I don't even know what to say. Hey, do you think I could get the address? I have a housewarming gift for you.
BUSTER: That's great. Give me a minute, I'll get the address.
RK: You know, I always thought Bitch Clock would sell coke, not weed. Seems a little too basic for him.
Sparky gives RK an angry look.
RK: What? Don't tell me you never thought of it too.
SCENE 20
Bitch Clock's Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster whistles "Work" by Rihanna featuring Drake while putting bags of marijuana into boxes and taping them up. At that point, Sparky and RK walk in. Buster continues whistling due to not hearing Sparky and RK come in, but when he turns around, he screams.
BUSTER: I mean, welcome to my humble abode.
SPARKY: Buster, this isn't your home. Now can you please talk to RK and make peace so we can all get on with our lives?
BUSTER: You're right, Sparky. It's time to man up and settle this. Ryan Kennedy, I acted like an immature child. I blamed you for something that was never your fault, and I made you feel like a piece of dog shit or a rolled up ball of your third grade science homework. I'm sorry for how I acted, and I hope we can be gentlemen and remain friends.
RK: Sure, Buster. That's all I ever wanted.
BUSTER: Alright. Hey, that wasn't so bad. So you guys want a drink? You better get your hands on the Coca-Cola before Bitch Clock puts his rum in it.
RK: Actually, I was hoping that since we're cool now, we could get you packed and ready to move into my place.
BUSTER: RK, I already have a place. I'm not homeless anymore.
SPARKY: Buster, you can't seriously live here. Bitch Clock is unstable, reckless, and thoughtless. Look, he's already having you pack up his weed for him.
BUSTER: Oh no, this is work. I'm packing up his work. You know, drug dealing vocabulary.
RK: Dude, this is ridiculous. Is there something wrong with me? Do I smell? Do I have a mediocre haircut? Do I make too many references?
BUSTER: No, not at all. And I always thought your haircuts were crispier than a Crunch bar.
RK: Then why don't you want to be roommates?
BUSTER: It's not you, RK, it's me. I can't move in with someone I'm friends with. Whenever I do, bad things happen. It happened with Sparky, it happened with Wade and Jaylynn, and it's going to happen with you.
SPARKY: When were you roommates with Wade and Jaylynn?
BUSTER: That's not important. The point is, I don't want to end up hating RK. Besides, there are too many things to consider. What if KG doesn't want me there? What if you end up changing your mind on my first night? We don't even know if you still have feelings for me. I don't want you to look at this every day and get upset over what you can't have.
*deadpan* RK: Buster, I love Anna. You haven't been attractive to me in a very long time.
BUSTER: Of course you would say that. You and your house crush.
RK: Look, man, you have nothing to worry about. We have heat in the wintertime, there's always good food, and KG said as long as you don't say too much dumb shit, he doesn't care what you do.
BUSTER: Sorry, RK. This is my home now. It's best for the both of us.
SPARKY: But you're putting yourself in danger. You're staying with a reckless scumbag that always has a stupid scheme in his head. He doesn't care what happens to anyone around him. As long as he does whatever he can to get ahead, nothing else matters.
BUSTER: That kinda sounds like RK.
RK: Hey, don't compare me to that bum. I'm like the PG version of him.
SPARKY: Alright, Buster. I can't convince you that this is a bad idea or tell you what you should and shouldn't do. But just think about it. Bitch Clock's giving you a place to live for his benefit. RK's giving you a place to live because you're friends.
BUSTER: That's true. But I want to see how this works out.
RK: Sparky, we're going to have to respect his decision.
SPARKY: Yeah, I guess.
BUSTER: And by the way, where's my housewarming gift?
Sparky and RK look at each other nervously.
RK: A hug from me?
BUSTER: I'll take it.
RK walks up to Buster and hugs him.
RK: You smell like weed.
BUSTER: I'll take a shower later.
SCENE 21
Bitch Clock's Apartment
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster is watching TV when Bitch Clock runs inside the apartment.
BUSTER: You know, if you don't want to miss your shows, you can always use the DVR.
BITCH CLOCK: I didn't rush in here for that. It's those damn Italians. They're after me!
BUSTER: What did you do to the I-talians?
BITCH CLOCK: Why are you saying it like that?
BUSTER: Oh, it's just the way that RK...said it when we were in Brooklyn.
BITCH CLOCK: Look, Buster, I know I said that you were never going to see any action, but I think today might be the day I go against my words.
BUSTER: Are you kidding me? Bitch Clock, I told you already. I'm not made to survive in your world. The closest my dad ever got to a drug deal was going to the pharmacy for his prescription...and it almost killed him!
BITCH CLOCK: What, did they give him the wrong prescription?
BUSTER: No, he took more than he was supposed to, it was a whole big thing. But the bottom line is, I'm not bailing you out of trouble. Sparky warned me you would do a thing like this.
BITCH CLOCK: Okay, we'll have all the time for chit chat after we get those Italians off my back.
BUSTER: Why are they after you?
BITCH CLOCK: It's the craziest thing. I give them the weed, and it's like for no reason at all, they didn't trust it. They just pulled guns out on me and I ran like Usain Bolt to get out of there. I think I lost them at the Carl's Jr. four blocks away.
BUSTER: So how can I help you?
BITCH CLOCK: I have an entire statement written down for you. You just look at this, and when the Italians come, you read everything I wrote.
BUSTER: Can I ad-lib?
BITCH CLOCK: No! No improv! This isn't a sitcom, Buster, this is some real life or death shit.
BUSTER: Alright, alright, I'll stick to the script. Wait a minute, how come some of the writing is smudged?
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, I wrote the whole thing while I was running away. Only took me four minutes.
BUSTER: Wait, but if you were running, how could you...
The doorbell rings.
BITCH CLOCK: Crap, it's the Italians. They're my fanciest clientele which is why they always ring the bell. I'm hiding behind the weed!
Bitch Clock jumps over the boxes of marijuana bags to hide behind them. Buster slowly walks up to the door and opens it slightly.
BUSTER: Hey guys. Looking real Italian today.
Cut to Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: I probably should have written down his greetings too.
Cut back to Buster and the Italian clientele.
FRANKIE: Hey there, little man. My name is Frankie DeVecchio, and this is my partner in crime, Big Paulie Romero.
BIG PAULIE: How do you do?
BUSTER: Okay. Doing just fine.
FRANKIE: Listen, your friend Bitch Clock lives in this here apartment. He gave us some low-grade product and we don't take that lightly.
Cut back to Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Low-grade product? I don't get blackout drunk for two days and this is my reward?!
Cut back to Buster and the Italians.
FRANKIE: Anyway, we're just wondering if he's around.
BUSTER: Um...*clears his throat and begins to read off the card in an overly rehearsed tone*..."My name is Buster Newburg, Bitch Clock's consigliere."
BUSTER'S BRAIN (V.O.): Newburg?
BUSTER: "Bitch Clock can't be here right now. He has other engagements and he would appreciate it if you evacuated the premeses? He will be back at a nore convalescent time and you will be...sausified?" What is this? I can't read this!
Bitch Clock pops up from behind the weed.
BITCH CLOCK: You idiot! You're gonna get me killed!
BUSTER: Hey, at least learn my last name next time!
FRANKIE: There he is! Get him, Paulie!
Big Paulie starts firing gunshots and Bitch Clock responds with gunfire of his own. It leads to a shootout in the living room as Buster is caught in the middle of it and screams as he runs upstairs. Bitch Clock runs into the kitchen and the Italians follow him still firing shots. Seconds later, Buster comes downstairs with all his bags and rushes out of the apartment as the shootout continues in the kitchen.
SCENE 22
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Buster is watching TV with RK and KG. They all have bored looks on their face.
RK: KG, why are we watching Two and a Half Men? I hate this show.
KG: We're just like them now. Might as well embrace it.
BUSTER: You know what, RK? Even though we might end up hating each other by the time I move back to my condo, at least you and your brother will never try to kill Italian guys while I'm standing right there.
KG: The f*** happened over at Bitch Clock's apartment?
RK: It's okay, Buster. The good news is, you're here where you should be and we can officially start the RK and Buster era. Is the world ready for it? Who knows? That's the mystery.
KG: So is Bitch Clock going to come looking for you?
BUSTER: No, he knows I'm here now. He actually doesn't want me to ever come back because he's afraid of what he'll do to me, and what Sparky will do to him in the aftermath.
KG: Makes sense.
Beat.
BUSTER: Could you guys excuse me? I have to go do something outside.
RK: Sure.
Buster gets off the couch and walks out of the house.
RK: I really hope this isn't a front and he's not about to move in with Ashley.
Cut to Buster standing outside looking at the house with a big smile on his face.
BUSTER: He's right. I'm here where I should be.
Buster nods his head and then walks back inside the house, but the camera only follows him from the outside. Buster closes the door and the screen fades to black.
("everybody dies" by J. Cole plays over the end credits)
POST-CREDITS GAG
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
A battered and bloodied Bitch Clock is talking to an unfazed Sparky at the kitchen table.
BITCH CLOCK: So I realize now that throwing the bash despite you saying no was a direct violation of your trust, and I'm sorry that I put you in that position. I also realized today that life just made more sense when we were living together, and I crave the structured, stable environment that you've created. I need you a lot more than you could ever need me.
SPARKY: You're covered in blood so I'm guessing you realized that living in the same place you keep your drugs is the dumbest thing you've ever done.
BITCH CLOCK: Yes, without a shadow of a doubt.
SPARKY: And you're also aware that you put my best friend in the middle of a shootout that almost killed him.
BITCH CLOCK: One hundred percent. Even if he read the card perfectly, Frankie and Big Paulie would have still pulled out the tools.
SPARKY: From now on, if you're going out to drink until you can't remember a thing, or trying to pull off a scheme that might put you in jail, give me a heads up.
BITCH CLOCK: Absolutely. Straight and narrow, my man.
SPARKY: Also, until I say you no longer have to, you're paying me rent every month.
BITCH CLOCK: Rent? Well, how much?
SPARKY: I'll surprise you. Good night, Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, just so I know, we're cool, right? We're pals again?
Without saying anything, Sparky turns off the kitchen lights, leaving the room pitch black.
BITCH CLOCK: A sound or something like that is okay, too.
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