Sirius unthinkingly brought Marlene back to his flat to continue some work on concealment charms. Those were quite important for The Order and she wasn't a natural with them. That was fine. No one was a natural with everything. He just didn't feel like staying at the damned HQ all night and figured he could at least sit down on his own sofa and have a drink while she went over the spells.

It was dumb. He shouldn't have done it.

He hadn't thought she'd be that… bold. She was deceptively innocent looking. Tiny with a huge smile. Her skin was a light enough shade of brown to betray the rosy blush that crept up her neck and under her freckles.

He liked her freckles. He'd never really considered freckles a turn on before, but he'd caught himself thinking of Marlene's freckled skin and wondering how far down they went. Were there parts of her with no freckles at all? But then he would halt that thought train. She was fun. They could be friends. Sirius didn't sleep with his friends. It ruined everything.

He shouldn't have invited her over.

He shouldn't have opened the elf berry wine.

Though of course those were normal things he might do with a friend the danger here was that this friend was… attractive. And obviously thought he was too.

Sirius was sort of used to everyone finding him attractive so that hardly factored in. He was really excited that he had a friend who TRUSTED him. Who gave him the benefit of the doubt. He'd not encountered that since James.

Marlene was… a lot prettier than James Potter.

And she was shamelessly trying to make a move on Sirius.

She sat close. Too close. She was familiar with her little touches. He answered in kind rather than backing away. Her hair was really fun to play with, after all.

They weren't really drunk or anything. Maybe just a little silly.

The spellwork had been forgotten less than an hour in, and she was still… there.

Sirius didn't want her to leave. The fact he didn't want her to leave made him anxious. You aren't supposed to sleep with your friends. You aren't supposed to want the people you sleep with to stay over and talk.

But she was funny? They had a lot in common? They laughed at the same things and cared about the same things. She would be a really solid friend.

He found himself wishing she looked like a troll.

Imagine a troll when you look at her Sirius. You can do this.

He didn't. He was eating the eye candy. Her legs were draped over him on the couch. She leaned back against one of the sofa arms. It was summer.. so it wasn't… surprising… that she wore cut off denim shorts with her raggedy old shirt from some muggle punk show she never went to. But her legs… sure… were… present.

She was tiny. Not even 5 feet tall. Very thin. If she dressed differently and tried, she could pass as way younger. But as it was she looked her age. She'd only been 2 years behind him in school. Now, the summer after her 7th year she was nearly 18 and beautiful. With bare legs that were most of her height. It wasn't that they were actually long, it was that they were long compared to the rest of her. Her thighs were right there asking to be touched.

Why why why why. Stop being so hot you are supposed to be my friend stop.

Another glass of berry wine. Surely that would make his conflict go away.

"So uh… I don't think I can like… apparate home… like this…"

"Right of course. No. I wouldn't want you doing that. Stay here. Don't want you splinched. Dumbledore would have my head if your army of badgers didn't get it first."

"Army of badgers. I like it. I'm calling them that from now on."

They both laughed. Then there was a very loaded silence.

Uggghhhh….

"So… yeah… I guess I can… take the couch… thanks Sirius."

"The sofa's terrible. I wouldn't sleep on it as a dog. Come on." He gestured towards his bedroom. He got up and dragged Marlene up by the hand. So so pretty… whhhyyy was she so pretty.

He wasn't lying. It's just that he also wasn't being entirely… forthcoming. Or honest. With himself either. It was all so much easier to be passive and let the tension live on.

She smiled shyly and sweetly as if she didn't know EXACTLY what she was doing and as if she hadn't been campaigning relentlessly for it all night.

Maybe she didn't really want to be friends. Maybe she didn't like him as much as he liked her and she just thought he'd be a good shag. But… it didn't feel like that? It was hard to say. She didn't seem to have the reservations that he did.

This wasn't a thing that he did. He didn't… really know how it was supposed to go. Because it wasn't supposed to go.

Do not sleep with your friends. Friends are hard to come by and you will fuck it up. That was the second most important boundary he'd set for himself in his attempts to get on with life like a real person who wasn't actually just a burnt up place on an ugly old tapestry full of beautiful but terrible people.

That was second only to the all important Rule Number 1. Don't fall in love. Love is masochistic. You will fuck it up. That one hadn't ever been an issue. Thank Godric.

Sirius was really really likely to fuck things up. He was consistently a fuck up. He wanted to NOT fuck up in these major ways. Because it hurt and he hated it and hated himself when it happened.

Fuck.

He collapsed onto his own bed and pulled Marlene down with him.

Maybe they could just sleep. That would be… not so bad. He'd drunkenly shared a bed with friends before. And that never sent James Potter running for the hills or cursing his name.

He sort of unthinkingly removed his belt and trousers. I mean he had on boxers so… that… was clothing. He wasn't getting naked. People didn't sleep in their belts. Not even when their friends were present. Not even their breathtakingly beautiful friend. Oh Merlin he wanted to touch her.

Cannot. Get. Hard. No. Nope. Think of great aunt Cassiopeia. Think of the Queen. Think of Filch.

Under control.

Marlene had, during his mental recess into the most sexually repulsive parts of his brain, followed suit and rid herself of her shorts. Knickers were… sort of clothes. Ish.

She didn't take off her giant shirt at all but unhooked her bra and pulled it through one of the sleeves.

That was… just fine. Might as well. If they were gonna sleep… be comfortable.

She didn't even really have the figure to need a bra. It wouldn't even be noticeable.

It was noticeable when she hugged him

AGHhHbHhH

"Goodnight Sirius. Thanks. For letting me intrude and everything."

"You aren't intruding. You're my friend. I enjoy your company."

It felt like he was trying to convince himself of these words. Even though they were all true it was still hard. Because they weren't the extent of it.

"Goodnight"

He rolled over, facing away. Started counting down from 500. This would be ok.

I Really? REALLY?

Sirius Black was definitely asleep. And Marlene McKinnon was definitely extremely sexually frustrated.

There was no reason for this nonsense. He'd given her the eye 6 ways to Sunday. They were getting along quite well and this could be a lot of fun but he was being really strange. And then the whole

"We are friends. I enjoy your company. Goodnight. I am definitely a real human person and not a very convincing doll someone spelled to say these words. Beep. Boop." Thing.

The working theory is that he thought those things were mutually exclusive to a shag.

He didn't sleep with friends of his from time to time? Who did he fuck then? People he found annoying? "Wanted: hot annoying person to shag and then not hang out with"? How would that even work.

He pretty clearly didn't do the whole romance thing. But neither did she since that one attempt that time. Really that was Sirius's fault. Since he didn't notice that she existed and was salivating over him from the Hufflepuff table. She figured she needed to move on to someone else, so her stupid brother and sister would stop taking the piss. That was pathetic and she knew it didn't work for her. Reginald Cattermole and his attempts at romance had been as boring as watching the grass grow. She was not doing that again.

But Sirius was so were really getting along well and she genuinely admired him so much. He was brave and fought for what he believed in even when that meant fighting his own blood family. That took the kind of principles that very few people had. He was an incredible wizard. She really felt lucky she got to know him like this. Ogling him from a distance was much less fun.

Except that ogling him from the same bed while he slept was not very fun either.

Uggghhh

He was really really beautiful.

Of course he was. Strikingly handsome was like the second thing she ever noticed about him after the whole "pureblood aristocrat grows principles and carries on bravely after being disowned" caught her attention. After those two things she noticed that he was kind of a rebel and played fast and loose with the rules. That was a bit sexy. Or more than a bit.

But really. He was a fucking work of art. Asleep he was particularly endearing if she could forget about the whole… being very turned on with nowhere to go… thing.

Her first (and only) boyfriend had been a terrible shag. She only ever got off when she closed her eyes and thought of Sirius… that was before they even properly knew each other thanks to the order...

That was a bit embarrassing even though only she knew about it. She gave that lad the boot and started pursuing more diverting physical relationships. None of them meant anything. It hadn't been any huge number of conquests or anything. They were just… people. Fairly attractive and single with a mutual understanding that they just wanted to get fucked and then go back to being on the wizard chess team together or whatever.

But Sirius was more than any of that. He was really fun? He laughed at her stupid jokes and he was loyal to the core. He might have been a decent Hufflepuff if the overwhelming honor and chivalry hadn't won out. It was all very strange because she hadn't considered it a viable option at all but if HE wanted to be her boyfriend she'd be amenable.

But of course he didn't. At all. Because that wasn't how he did things and she should be thanking every possible deity that she even got to be friends with him. Because he was great.

He'd be more great if he would be a friend who would lend her a hand… between her legs. But. Hey. You can't win them all.

She attempted to sleep.

5 minutes. 10. 12. 19 minutes. Not asleep.

Sirius was still asleep.

This was not happening.

She could go to his bathroom?

That would be weird and conspicuous.

She could just… be very very quiet. He was asleep. And it was his fault anyway. He knew very well how much she wanted him. And he went the fuck to sleep so she had to take matters into her own hands if she was going to get any sleep at all.

He wouldn't like her if she didn't sleep at all. She'd be mean and also ugly. So really… it was best for everyone that she just take care of it.

She turned on her side, facing away from him.

He was for sure asleep. This was going to be fine.

Before she even slid a hand between her thighs she felt Sirius stirring on the other side of the bed.

Fuck.

Had she made a noise?

She hasn't meant to make a noise. She thought she was being quiet?

But he was shifting in his sleep. Annnnd he was rolling over. He wrapped an arm around her and drew her into his chest.

Aw. She was the little spoon.

Except no not cool dude. She was going to have the worst fucking day ever tomorrow.

But… he was sweet and he was asleep. He wanted to hold her when he was asleep. That made her heart do a flip.

Ahhhh!

His hand was carelessly draped over the bare skin where her shirt had ridden up.

Mmmm

His hands on her bare skin felt delicious.

She was going to die from persistent arousal. That would be the cause of her untimely demise. Everyone would know. Her family would be so ashamed of their tart sister who couldn't even succeed in being a tart.

Calm down Marlene. You can manage. It's ok. Just take tomorrow off. It's OK.

It was definitely not ok.

It was way way not ok when she felt him, standing at full salute, against the back of her thighs.

Bloody Hell.

He was for sure asleep. It wasn't his fault things… arose...in his sleep. Didn't that just… happen? She thought it must. Maybe he was dreaming.

Maybe he was dreaming of her…

She made a noise.

She did not mean to make the noise.

But the noise was made.

It was… maybe kind of an anguished groan?

It might not have been a particularly attractive noise. But it was loud. And it woke him up.

Now he was probably going to stop touching her and then she'd feel weird and sad.

Oh for fucks sake.

She took his hand in hers. He gripped back. For sure awake. Ok. This was happening.

She pulled his arm all the way around her, bringing him close. tilted her hips just so and pushed back against him. He was extremely hard and pressing against her bum.

She let out a gasp that much much prettier than the previous… thing.

His hand freed from hers and slid up the inside of her thighs. She was shamefully drenched. He would be able to feel how worked up she got over him. His fingers inched up little by little, as if she needed any more teasing than the whole night had been. When he finally slid her knickers to the side and felt the full extent of her wetness she heard him take a sharp inhalation. Nice. Good. He was pleased with his accomplishments. And probably getting more and more turned on.

He brought her right to the edge with his hand. She hoped this would be a repeat thing because she didn't want it to be over so soon. But she couldn't hold back.

She was coming apart embarrassingly quickly. She may have actually screamed. She hoped his neighbors were deep sleepers. But the scream gave way to lower moans, while euphoria bloomed all over her body. She shook. Actual shaking. Her body was involuntarily shaking from the intensity of the pleasure he just gave her in less than 5 minutes of being awake.

That was… new.

She was a fan.

"Mmmmmm. Your turn." She broke the silence. Or… lack of speaking. There had not been silence. She turned to face him. His eyes OH WOW. Those eyes… stormy grey and intense… hot with desire. Desire FOR HER. That was probably the most beautiful sight she'd ever seen. Top 5 at least.

She realized they hadn't kissed. He'd made her come until she was an amorphous puddle of pleasure and he hadn't kissed her.

Please kiss me. Please?

He kissed the bridge of her nose. That was… not what she'd meant but ok.

Then little kisses across her cheeks.

She got frustrated and caught his lips with hers. She kissed him like she meant it. Aggressive. Tongues. Teeth. Hot.

He let out an "ah" which sounded like actual angels singing.

She slid off her completely drenched knickers and kicked them to the floor.

He followed suit, but his shirt before his boxers. Then he reached to take off her shirt too.

She hadn't really expected him to go the full monty like that but she was pleased with the view. He was marked with several scars, which took Marlene's breath away. He nudged her to lie on her back, which she did.

Hands all over her. Mmmm…

Did he just like to see her desperately needy for him? Or was he into gently caressing the outline of her waist and kissing the delicate skin of her neck for his own sake? This was… different. And amazing.

"Don't. Stop…" she breathed out.

His chest was like a perfect statue of a god. He was right above her and she had an exquisite view. But then she looked into his eyes again.

He looked right into her eyes when he took her. She felt herself getting close again. And never at any point did he look away from her. Gaaaahhh….intensely sexy. She felt her heart doing the thing again where it almost hurt and then she almost couldn't breath but then… not really because it was fantastic.

He hastened the rhythm as she started to lose control. Again. An actual tear may have formed in her eye from this second one. Wwwoooowww

His face was gorgeous when he finished. So so beautiful. Ok that was more than top 5 most beautiful things she'd ever seen. Top 2. At least.

Both of them were gasping and a little shaky when he pulled out and laid down beside her, on his back.

They both stared wide eyed at the ceiling as if it had anything to say about the crazy good sex they'd just had.

They hadn't really… talked?

Were they going to?

Was that even possible?

Did she have the ability to produce words and comprehend the words he might say?

"Wow" she tested it out.

That was a word? Sort of?

"Yeah...wow. Um… so…"

Marlene started laughing. There was literally no holding it back. She had to laugh. And he joined her in the laugher.

"Can we still be friends?" Sirius finally managed to get out.

"Why on earth wouldn't we?"

"Because… I don't… do that. With my friends."

"Well now you do. Because I'm your friend and I sure hope you aren't saying you don't want to do it again ever… because that was incredible. I would be quite mad at you for denying me that. As a friend."

"Well I don't like it when my friends are mad at me. So… yeah. We can make this a habit."

"Good."

It still felt like he was flirting with her. It was a little weird and a little exciting. Generally this would be the part where the lad would tell her he had an early morning or some other line. She'd leave. It would be fine and everyone got their jollies and no one was worried.

But he was still flirting.

As if he hadn't just fucked her into another century.

As if there was some other secret level of fucking that they hadn't achieved.

Well that was stupid. No one could possibly fuck at a higher level of proficiency than he just did. That was a peak dicking. Aces. 30 Points to Gryffindor.

She started laughing out loud at her own stupid thoughts.

"What?"

"You're gonna laugh at me. But I was just mentally awarding 30 points to Gryffindor. And laughing at myself for thinking it because it's ridiculous."

His smile was RADIANT. Was this ok? To still look at him like this? When they were already spent and just.. talking?

Ugh her chest. Stop that you stupid internal organs! Get your act together. This is great. I won't have you bothering me about it.

She'd let him set the rules. She would have said yes to just about anything on earth if he asked for it and smiled like that.

(She thought of several scenarios in rapid succession. "Wear this giant squid costume Marlene." "Let me call you Helga and you call me Godric" "Marry me." "Let's move to Peru" all of them were a bit far fetched but she'd be loathe to turn him down if he was gonna smile at her like that.)

Top 3 most beautiful things she'd ever seen.

Stop it Marlene. Stop.

"Maybe I can apparate home now. I um… I'm definitely sober."

"If you want. But you can stay. I… don't mind. Like I said earlier. We're friends and I enjoy your company."

"You sound like a weird alien." She laughed and grabbed her tee shirt.

"You'll have to forgive me for that. Noble and Most Ancient House of Black and all…"

"Ugh. Fine. I guess I'll forgive your genetics. At least they didn't disappoint in the looks department."

"Oh really?" He winked at her, knowing exactly how charming he was and using it to his full advantage.

"You are making fun of me and I was meant to be making fun of you. Stop. Can I steal some of your pants?"

"Uh…ok?"

"I didn't mean to keep as a party favor. I meant to wear because I'm going to sleep and don't want to do so with a bare arse."

"Oh. Right. Ha. Because your knickers are NOT an option." His smug smirk was infuriating. Infuriatingly sexy.

"Sod off. But also go get me some pants."

She cursed her stupid heart again just before he threw a pair of boxer shorts at her. They were huge on her but it'd have to do.

"Goodnight Sirius. For real this time."

"Goodnight Marlene."

He budged up only a little and kissed her lips for just a flash of a second.

"Are we doing that?"

"I don't know. I guess. I've never slept with a friend before. You're fucking great. And I don't want to fuck it up. So… we can do goodnight kisses if you want and if not… Uh… then I won't do that anymore."

"It can be a thing. But you don't have to be all… mushy… or anything. I know that's not you. I'm cool with that. It's not me either. But I like goodnight kisses... between friends. I also like sleep. So goodnight."

She kissed him one last time. Sweet and closed mouth. If she just pretended the previous conversation about how they were friends and just friends who also did these other things then it would feel like falling in love.

She was tired and probably delirious from that… those… there were two. And they were both delirium inducing.

She let herself drift off to sleep. Facing Sirius still. Not touching. But near.

Sirius woke up in an uncommonly cheerful mood. Elated really. It took him several minutes to remember that he was terrified.

This was against the penultimate rule and was encroaching on the big one. That was unacceptable and he would definitely fuck everything up.

Fucking up took a lot of different shapes. But the real kernel of it was that he might be reduced to the little boy crying in the corner because Mother told him how disgusted she was with him. Sobbing. Pathetic and weak. If he couldn't stop that right now and act like the heir of a noble house, then father and his lashing curse would make him regret it for days.

But hey. That wasn't going to happen. Nope nope nope. He was just fine and everything was going to be alright.

Marlene was a great friend and also happened to be a great lay and she very adorably was sleeping beside him because… he liked her. He liked all his friends. And he wasn't especially terrified of scaring off Wormtail or anything.

There would be no lashing curse.

Except maybe to his stupid heart.

He wasn't even sure if he had a real heart. Hearts were for common people. He was a Black.

The hat told him he wasn't a Slytherin. So Gryffindor it was. James Potter seemed like a nice lad. Why not? If he was going to be murdered soon anyway he might as well have a fun time until then.

He didn't get murdered.

Or did he?

This was so stupid.

He was so stupid.

Why was he just staring at her like a creep? Don't be weird Sirius. That is definitely going to fuck things up.

She doesn't want you to be mushy. She thinks you're cool and fun and not a shell of a person with a filling made of trauma and maybe a little bit of pudding. She'll fuck off forever if you act like this. Don't. Do. It.

He willed himself to get out of bed and get the kettle on.

"Good morning…" she sighed as she stretched her arms out about her mass of curly hair.

"Good morning to you. Will your army of badgers be miffed that you didn't come in last night?"

"They shouldn't be. It's just my brothers and sister. Now if I brought you there, then they probably wouldn't stop laughing this century. But I'll just go on and get a shower and they aren't going to nose about my business."

"What's the joke they'd be laughing at? I don't understand?"

"Really? I thought surely you knew. I sort of thought I had told you, even. I sort of made a spectacle of myself when I was in 5th year and you were in 7th. I was transparently lusting after you from across the dining hall. It didn't last or anything. I went on about my life but I thought I told you when we started working together."

"Wow. I somehow thought you were joking about the that whole adoring me from afar thing. Oh. Wow. I didn't know. You should have said something. That's several years of top notch shagging that we both missed out on."

"Oh come on. You'd have told me to go back to my badgers."

"I would have? I hope not. I don't know. I was a twat back in school but I doubt I'd have looked at you and told you to go away."

"Because I'm devastatingly attractive with all my hair and freckles? Or because you can't stand saying no to sweet little Hufflepuffs. I was just a blushing virgin at the time. You'd have to show me everything."

She was really putting it on, and it was really working. He'd meant the first thing but the second thing was distractingly hot.

Gaaaah.

On one hand, this was a thing. It was going to be a thing they'd do. He'd need to get comfortable with that and stop letting it poke at the void where his emotions should live. But also it was early and they couldn't just keep at it late and early and whenever. There was work.

"Yeah um… so… if we can maybe return to that whole scenario a bit later… that'd be much appreciated. But I should go get in the shower and so should you. I'll see you at headquarters in a little over an hour?"

"Oh alright fine. See you soon." She rolled her eyes and smiled.

He leaned down and kissed her lips like they'd done before bed last night. That was allowed to be a thing. He could do that. It didn't mean anything more than the affection in any of my other friendships. It was just that Marlene happened to be really kissable and they were going to do that and it was fine because friends could kiss goodbye with a sweetness that was nearly painful. That was perfectly normal and not a problem!

She apparated out in short order. He was alone.

I am doomed.

Marlene apparated to the front door of the flat she shared with 3 of her 4 siblings. She hoped that they would be out by now. If not maybe they'd just not notice her at all.

She spelled the door open and then crept inside, heading toward the shower.

"Not so fast you dirty dirty harlot. I need the sordid details before you go wash the shame off."

It was her brother Lucan. At least it hadn't been Gawain. Gawain might actually think she should be ashamed on some level for enjoying sex. He was very up tight and irritating.

"I had a thing. It went well. Good time was had by all. Now I'm gonna shower."

"Right those were not details Marls"

"I guess they weren't."

"You need to tell me who it was? You slept over. That's… atypical. If not outright weird."

"You're very nosy brother. But whatever you'd figure it out sooner or later. It's Sirius Black. You know we got assigned together for The Order, right?"

She paused and watched her brother's face cycle through different shocked expressions.

"What. Did you like… stay the night outside his window lurking like a weird obsessive fan? Because that's not good but it is more believable than you going to bed with him like that's a normal thing to do."

"Why can't it be? I think it's going to become a normal thing that I do. We actually get on quite well. We're friends and hang out in the more clothed sort of way too. But I must give credit where credit is due, the wizard can make excellent use of his wand…"

She giggled. That was unacceptable. She was 18 years old and should be well past giggling over Sirius Black. But that's the way things went, apparently.

"Gross. I do not need to hear that from my baby sister."

"Are you not the arseface that was keeping me from showering because you demanded to know how I spent my evening?"

Marlene rolled her eyes. Lucan was not usually one to pull the "too much information" card on her. His actual problem with what he'd heard probably pertained to the wizard that it pertained to, if Marlene's intuition was right.

"Well I didn't expect you to say THAT about HIM."

"He's just a guy."

"He isn't. He was your first crush and you were very silly and cute. You can't erase that. You're going to get hurt Marls."

He did look genuinely concerned. He wasn't trying to be an arseface anymore. He just had a natural gift for it she supposed.

"I'm a grown up now, Lucy. You can't keep me from making my own decisions. I'll be fine. Promise."

"I'll stop worrying about you when you stop calling me Lucy."

"So never?"

"Exactly."

Marlene couldn't help but feel lucky that she had an arseface brother who loved her enough to worry.

Sirius did not have any qualms busting into the homes of his friends while they were still asleep. This was a good thing because he had a little under an hour and desperately needed to talk this nauseating fear through with someone. Today that someone took the form of one R. J. Lupin, Marauder and advice giver.

"Moooooooony. Mooooooooooooony! MOONY! REMUS JOHN LUPIN wake the fuck up I need you to tell me what to do with my life."

"Merffle?"

"You'll need to do better than that. I need words. In a language. Preferably one I comprehend."

"Piss off Pads. I'm really tired. This mission. It's mostly night work and I am hating it."

"Fuck the mission"

"No I can't. Dumbledore has no one else"

Sirius hated the mission that Remus was assigned with a particular vitriol. It was something he couldn't share with anyone and Remus seemed a mess since it started. But he refused to explain or quit, so there was little that Sirius could do about it.

"Ok whatever then. Get up. I'll make your eggs if you listen to my existential crisis."

"Oh boy. Eggsestential Breakfast! My favorite past time."

"Don't be cruel to me, I'm going all wonky from the conflict of the day. I don't have it in me to stomach puns."

"Well you came to the wrong place. Out with it then. What horror of horrors had occurred? Did someone tell you to get a haircut?"

"...no but that would be awful and let's not think about that… it's about a witch."

"A witch. When you say that I'm assuming you mean a young pretty one and not Madame Pomfrey or someone else who could fit under that excessively broad term."

"You'd be correct Moony my boy. It's a very young very pretty witch. She's great. We've been thrown together for The Order right after she enlisted last month. We're getting on like lightning and she stayed the night last night. It's horrible Remus. Horrible."

"I'm missing some crucial piece of information here. Because all of that sound like you had a nice time?"

"Well yeah. But I'm not supposed to sleep with friends and I'm REALLY not supposed to fall for friends who I am sleeping with."

Remus cringed. Sirius could see the thoughts forming behind his eyes. Good. He'd come here for those thoughts.

"Ah. That."

"Yeah. That."

"You're getting a bit old for the 'I'm a rebel, I don't have time for a girlfriend' schtick you know."

"I am not getting old! And it's not like that. It's that I'm absolutely sure I'll fuck everything up and be a mess over it."

"I know that Pads. I know you. I know the annoying front you put up and I know why. Remember? We've been mates for 9 years? You learned how to turn yourself into a dog so I wouldn't have to be alone during my transitions?"

"Yeah. I recall. Something like that anyway."

"So I'm telling you, as your friend who knows you, that maybe you'll fuck it all up, but maybe she'll decide you're worth forgiving."

"That was you. Not everyone is going to be you. And I still fucked up. And I still hate myself over it all the time."

"You should stop that. I'm sure your new girlfriend would prefer you didn't."

He flinched at Remus's word choice. If only things could be that simple. It seemed like he was doomed to live a life where nothing was simple.

"She doesn't even want that. She said she's not for romance."

"Well I guess you have to take her at her word. Do you want to keep her as a friend? A friend who you sleep with? Are you going to be ok with that?"

"I'm in no way ok. I'm the opposite of ok. I'm losing my mind. I would lose my mind even more if I lost her as a friend. I'm really sick over it Moony. I hate disappointing people that I care about."

"You could go live in a cave and be a hermit but you don't. Why?"

This seemed like some sort of philosophical question. Annoying. But it was Moony. That's how he worked.

"Because… people? I have friends? You're one? Didn't you just say that?"

"Right because you care about people. Every person you care about has the capacity to be disappointed with something you did. All of us. It's not just about what happened with us and the Willow and that bloody arsehole Snape. It's about how having any friends at all is a risk you take. When you're like you are."

Sirius winced at the mention of the Willow incident. It had all been blurted out in anger and then it was too late to stop. He had been reckless and reactive when Snape made some jab, and it could have made one of his best friends into a murderer. Thinking about it was still sickening. He almost wished Remus would have gotten angrier.

Sirius was a bit baffled that he'd acquired such good people in his life, despite being a massive fuck up.

"Like I am? So a fuck up?"

"No. You're someone who survived a really gross upbringing and you're trying to dig yourself out. You like people to think you're very tough and uncaring but it's not true at all and your friends know that. You're like glass sometimes. It's worrisome. But we stick around because we think you're worth it. It's not as if you turn into a dark creature regularly or anything." Remus rolled his eyes.

"Your secret is that you wanted to be some sort of philosopher but there were no openings for that so you subject me to all those words."

"Caught me. But do you understand my point? About the girl?"

"I really wasn't sure you had one. You just enjoy the sound of your own voice. That's fair. You have a lovely tenor Moony."

"Fuck off. I have a point and it's a good one! This girl isn't any different than anyone else you let yourself care about. It isn't like she unlocks some sort of ultimate weapon against you with her vagina."

"You just used the medical terminology for a fanny and I would like to leave this earth now. I'm done. Done."

Remus sighed out a laugh at his friend's over dramatic gesture of disapproval.

"I suppose that was a bit graphic, but just because you care about her at a different angle than you care and James or me or anyone, doesn't mean she's a more substantial risk or that she'll suddenly going to turn into your mother."

"Ouch."

"The truth hurts. Doesn't it padfoot?"

"I guess. But you're a total windbag."

"Fair. Are you going to keep sleeping with her? That might be ill advised if you want more out of it than she does. But you're a grown wizard and I'm not your mother either."

"You've mothered me a lot more than Walburga, that's for sure. I'll probably keep sleeping with her. It's really too good to pass up…"

"Did I need to know that? Really Padfoot?"

"You're the one who inquired. Eat your eggs. They're just like you like them."

"Questioning the purpose of their egg-sistence?"

"Fuck off. Or actually I'm gonna fuck off. I have work."

"Good luck Sirius."

Sirius was glad he'd talked with his friend. None of his problems were magically solved but he was very lucky to have friends that he could depend on. He liked that he could add Marlene's name to that very short list.