They wouldn't let me go back to work in the ambulance, so I'm stuck answering phone calls until they think I'm ready. I am ready though, I just need some sort of normality and sat in front of computer monitors talking to someone who has swallowed a piece of lego is not my normality.
"Are they breathing normally?" I asked.
"Yes he is, he's coughing now" she replied like I couldn't hear it "he's coughed it back up".
"Brilliant, the paramedics will be with you as quickly as they can be"
"Well I don't think we need them anymore" then the phone cut off.
It only makes me feel worse dealing with these phone calls, I need to be on the frontline and interacting with people in person. I love hearing their stories and trying to help them as best as I possibly can. Thankfully that was the last call I would take today, it's time to go home. I grabbed my jacket and walked out of the call centre, now I have the joys of catching the bus home because Gem took my car keys in case I wanted to crash to try and kill myself that way. Does she not realise there are many ways to take your life, ways that are very easy to access.
As I stand waiting my phone rings, it's Gem again. She rings me constantly now and if I don't answer she texts me constantly then turns up on my doorstep. I feel like I'm living in a prison, both mentally and in reality. They say 'you are confined only by the walls you build yourself' but these walls are other peoples' walls now.
"Hello Gem" I say rolling my eyes, thank god she can't see me right now.
"Don't roll your eyes at me" how did she know?
"I didn't, what do you want now"
"Just checking you're okay" if I had a pound for every time someone asked how I am I would be a billionaire.
"Yes, I have to go the bus is here" I put the phone down and step onto the bus, it's full of drunk people because I ended up working the late shift.
It's only a short journey home but it feels like forever when you get lost in your thoughts. I always wonder what happens when you die, maybe you just disappear and that's it. Some people believe in spirits and people going to heaven but I believe it's just the end. When I die I want to be cremated, what's the point in me taking up space in a grave yard when no one would care enough to visit, not that I'd know if they'd visited. Imagine if the world ended, it's what I dream of happening now. I used to love life and now I just exist, I don't live. I don't want to just exist…. My mind is spiralling to that dark place again.
I press the button and get off the bus, a few minutes later I am home. I still haven't taken all of my stuff out of the bin bags from the day I should have died, there's no point when I won't be here for much longer. I just need to plan and have the courage, I will achieve what I want to do because I always have in the past. When I am home I just lie in bed so that's what I shall do now, time to escape my thoughts for a few hours and sleep before the big day.
I hate that sound, my alarm is so annoying. I quickly turn it off and check my phone, three messages from Gem and one from Ruby. I'm going to destroy my phone because I'm sick of this, I walk to the bathroom and drop it in the toilet. That's better, time to get dressed.
I purposely planned for today because I don't have to be at work. If I call in sick control tell Jan and her or Ruby come round to make sure I'm okay. It's like everyone else if fighting for me to stay alive but I have given up.
I put my shoes on and leave the house, I start my journey to the bridge. It's not too far from my house and it's high enough, I hope it is anyway. I walk down the snicket and it's in sight, I run towards it. I look like the people you see in films who are reunited with loved ones, I look bonkers to be honest but I feel like I am with the thoughts that go through my mind.
Looking over the edge is a little unnerving but I have to do this today. I push myself onto the wall and let my feet dangle over the edge, it feels so freeing. I might just sit here for a while to think of those who I will miss, the least I can do is remember them in my last moments.
"Don't do it" I turn to see a young woman on the phone. "Quickly please he's sat on the edge" she mutters.
"Please leave me alone" I can't do it in front of someone, I don't want them to live with the memory of seeing me hit the ground.
"Talk to me" she walks a little closer "I'm Karla".
"I don't need to talk" I can feel myself getting more anxious "please just leave".
"I've called for some help because you don't want to do this" how would she know what I do and don't want to do, "I've been where you are right now".
"Well I'm glad you made it through the other side but I can't" my feet continued to dangle as I turned to face away from her.
"I felt the same way but look at how far I've come. I am back in work and have even gone on to have a baby" I admire her strength but I just can't do this.
"That's good" I muttered, then I heard the sirens. They weren't ambulance sirens though, they were police sirens.
I hear Karla muttering to the officers and then she walked away. Their footsteps got louder as they got closer.
"Please could you bring your legs to the other side of the wall" one muttered, her voice was very gentle.
"I can't, I'm sorry" tears started to roll down my face.
"What's your name" she asked.
I ignored her as I fixated on the ground below me.
"I'm Hannah, I need to know your name so I can help".
"Iain" I replied "my mind won't stop" more tears fell.
"Thanks" she sounded louder, I turned to look at her and she was right next to me "let's go and talk in my car".
She tried to hold my arm but I pulled away, my body wobbled and I gripped the bridge to stabilise myself.
"That was too close for my liking" she said to the other officers who had arrived.
Things went quiet and my mind continued to wander, how had I got myself into this situation. I wonder if I could run away from them, I definitely can't jump now they're all there to watch.
"GO" one of the officers shouted, they all ran towards me while Hannah pushed my chest backwards. I fell to the ground and they all stood around me.
I screamed in hysterical tears, why can't I just be left to do what I want to do.
"Iain we need to get you checked out in hospital" Hannah sat next to me on the ground.
"No, I don't want help" I snapped.
"Well you might not want it but you need it. Will you go to hospital please?" she asked.
"No" I tried to stand up ready to run from them but one of the officers put his hand on my shoulder to stop me.
"Iain we are placing you on a section 136, this means we will escort you to a place of safety where you will have a mental health act assessment and they can decide what help you need. Do you understand" this was not how I wanted things to go.
"Yes, I know what a 136 is, I am a paramedic." I wanted to fight them and run but it's pointless now, I'd never get away.
They helped me up and Hannah linked my arm as they walked me to the many police cars and vans.
"Stick him in the back of a van, he looks like he might kick off" the officer who had his hand on my shoulder said.
"No he can go in the back of the car" Hannah defended me and she opened to car door. I sat in the back and she got in the front with another officer.
"This is Paul, can I ask if you have anything you could harm yourself of anyone with?"
I shook my head.
"Okay Paul will have to search you when the ambulance arrives".
"No I can't go in an ambulance" I could feel my heart beating through my chest as soon as they mentioned it.
"Well that's the most appropriate way to get you there so I'm afraid you'll have to" Paul said.
Could this day get any worse?