Like a Dagger to the Heart
Disclaimer: As before, I still don't own anything to do with NCIS. However, if they want to borrow any of my ideas for storylines, I won't protest too much...
A/N: I liked Dagger (of course, I like almost every NCIS episode I've seen, especially the ones where Jeanne isn't in the picture...) and I'm really hoping they explain what the deal is with Ziva crying at the end of the episode at some point. Until they do that, I have to reach my own conclusions. And then I have to write about it. Please R&R.
The tears were still in Mossad Officer Ziva David's eyes as she turned and walked away from her desk, headed toward the elevator, ready to go home. Concerned, NCIS Special Agent Tony DiNozzo watched her for a second before bolting out of his chair. He quickly grabbed his Sig from his desk drawer and his bag from the floor and rushed after her, hoping to catch her in the elevator, but the doors slid closed as he approached. Swearing under his breath, he ran for the stairs, hoping to get to the parking garage before she got away.
He burst through the garage doors to find her standing by her Mini Cooper as if in a daze. "Ziva!" he shouted. She slowly turned to face him, tear tracks still visible on her face.
"Go away, Tony." She sounded defeated, lacking her usual fight, seemingly resigned to the questions she knew were coming.
"No," he said firmly as he approached. He stared at her for a moment, but she didn't rise to the bait, continuing to look intently into the driver's side window of her car, as if whatever she was looking for was just on the other side of that safety glass.
"Let it go, Tony," she said, her voice still soft.
"I won't," he declared.
"Why?" Her voice was barely a whisper. She still wouldn't face him. Frustrated with her uncharacteristic melancholy, he took her chin in his hand, turning her head toward him.
"Because you're my partner," he said forcefully. "You're my friend. Because you are always pestering me about what I'm doing and where I'm going and everything in my life, and you never say a damn word about yours. Because I can't figure out what you're trying to say when you do say something." He lowered his voice. "Because something is bothering you, and I can't try to make it better if I don't know what it is."
She jerked her head away from him. "You cannot fix everything, Tony. You should not try."
He threw his hands into the air in frustration. "I know that!" he exclaimed. "I know I can't fix everything. Hell, look at my track record; I can't fix anything!" He ran a hand through his air and blew air out of pursed lips. "You said it, Ziva. I get an undercover assignment and end up falling in love with the woman I'm assigned to. I'm supposed to protect the director of NCIS and she gets gunned down in an abandoned bar. I get wrapped up in a war game at a secret Marine base that isn't a base, and my partner takes on a dozen armed Marines after I'm taken out with the first punch." She had finally turned back to face him, and he stared directly into her eyes, his voice soft and intense. "And now my partner is hurting, and I have no idea why, and I don't know how to make her feel better."
Neither moved for what seemed like hours, but was probably less than a minute. "You do not need to fix it, Tony," Ziva finally said.
"What don't I need to fix? What is this hidden deep in your past that you won't tell me about?" Remembering the way she watched Gibbs talk to Amanda Lee, remembering the sympathetic looks she had been giving Agent Lee while DiNozzo could do little but glare, tumblers began clicking in his head. "Do you have a kid hidden somewhere?" he finally asked.
She gave a short sarcastic laugh lacking any mirth. "Do not be so dramatic, Tony," she mocked. Sobering slightly, she shook her head. "No children, hidden or otherwise." She paused, looking down at the ground before back up at him. "Michelle said that I would not understand. She asked what I would do if someone I cared about was in trouble." She paused again before saying, "I told her that I do understand. I have done it."
"What?" he asked, confused. "When?"
Knowing there was no turning back, and no taking her words back, she took a deep breath before continuing. "I told you about my sister, Tali, yes?" When he nodded, she continued. "I was in Mossad training when she was killed. I felt that I had failed her, because I was not there when she needed me."
"You would have been killed, too, Ziva," he said. She shook her head.
"Please let me finish, Tony." She took another breath, her eyes traveling the garage before falling back on his. "I did not know I had an older half-brother until years later, when I was assigned to be Ari's control officer. It took me some digging to find it. My father did not say a word." Still not knowing what to make of Ziva's relationship with the Mossad director, Tony remained silent. "Ari Haswari was a physician educated in Scotland and practicing alongside his mother in Palestine. He was also a secret Hamas agent, and even more secret Mossad officer. That is what I was told. As his control officer, it was my duty to watch over him. To do that, I had to learn more about him and his mother. There was no record of a father on the birth certificate. It took me awhile, but I found out who his father was.
"I thought that doing my duty and keeping Ari safe would be my redemption for letting Tali down, that if the brother I had not known that I had was still alive, it would balance the sister who was killed. The fact that his pretending to be a Hamas agent would serve that group—the group that killed my sister—a blow was an added bonus. So I was blinded by that duty, to Mossad, and to Ari.
"I did not want to believe that Ari could have killed Agent Todd—Kate—but I did believe it to be true. He was a difficult assignment for a control officer, because he was difficult to control. When Gibbs told me what Ari had done, I denied it, both to Gibbs and to myself, even while knowing it was true. I tried to snuggle him out of the country, tried to keep him safe, and refused to let myself think about the people he had killed and would continue to kill."
"Smuggle," Tony corrected gently. "Not snuggle." To his relief, she smiled at the familiar back-and-forth between them.
"So you see, Tony, I risked the lives of everyone on the team when someone I cared about was in trouble. I let everyone down. I let you down."
"You didn't let anyone down," he said. He brought his hand to her chin again, stilling her eyes on his. This time, she didn't pull away. "You were doing your job. You weren't working with us yet, you were still a full-fledged Mossad control officer trying to control your asset. No one faults you for that. Besides, we got him in the end. Gibbs took care of it, remember?"
Her eyes filled with tears as she shook her head the best she could with Tony's hand still on her chin. "No, he did not," she managed. "Gibbs did not kill Ari, Tony. I did."
His eyes widened in shock at the admission. "Oh, Ziva," he murmured, pulling her close to him. She didn't resist, allowing him to wrap his arms around her shoulders. "I didn't know."
"I know." Her words were muffled against his chest. She pulled away slightly to again look him in the eye. "Even though I know that shooting Ari saved Gibbs and maybe the rest of the team, part of me still feels that I let him down, and that I let Tali down. Again." Not knowing what to say to that, he again pulled her close, dropping a light kiss to the top of her head.
"You didn't let me down," he said softly. She looked up at him, her expression quizzical. "You could never let me down, Ziva."
As if knowing what he was trying to say, she nodded slightly. "This is why I am always asking about your life, about your day," she said. "Because if I know what you are up to, I will be better prepared to protect you."
He smiled at that; his own personal Mossad bodyguard. "You don't need the burden of protecting me, Ziva," he said jokingly. "I can barely handle that."
She snorted lightly. "Why do you think I must do it?" She paused before saying, "Everyone I have cared about has been taken from me, Tony. I do not want you to be the next."
He studied her for a moment, brushing aside a stray piece of hair before pressing his lips to her forehead. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise."