Chapter One | Surprise!

Meredith couldn't decipher if the baby lodged deep in her uterus was causing the nausea uproar or if her nerves had finally taken the reigns. Either way, she felt inexplicably ill. The worst part of this might have been that she was alone. Painfully on her own through this journey of horrific morning sickness. She wanted to snort. Morning Sickness was a cutesy term some imbecile, probably a stupid man, came up with. Her nausea was not limited to dawn. At first there had been a schedule. Yes, it still wasn't a morning schedule but a designated time nonetheless. Since Gary Clark showed up and decided shooting the hospital was a grand notion, her body's internal puking clock was way off. Now she spewed at any time of any day, making it that much harder to keep baby Shepherd-Grey a secret.

It was seven in the evening and Meredith Grey was dry heaving over porcelain. A far cry from early hours. Derek thankfully wasn't home. Trying to empty her stomach with him around was proving to be more difficult than she bargained for. In the beginning, it was easy. He was immobile in their bed and drugged on pain pills. That man couldn't move his arm the first couple weeks much less rush to her aid when she was vomiting. There was no way in hell she would let him know either, at least not yet.

Meredith had been dying to lick her lips but the taste of bile remained present on cavern. Toothbrush and toothpaste were definitely heavy on her mind but in the moment she could not revoke from the cozy spot on the bathroom floor. When she first found out the news, Meredith wanted nothing more than to tell her husband she was carrying their first chatty child. They were going to eat takeout and have dirty sex. That was the plan.

Of course plans changed and a gunman erupted from thin air.

No time seemed like the right time. At first, Derek had been so sick. The bullet to his chest and the emergency surgery took nearly everything from him. Admitting she was pregnant in that time felt wrong. She allotted too much time to pass and now no time felt right.

Just recently Meredith hit the ten week mark and she was long overdue for an ultrasound. A part of her couldn't bring herself to make the appointment without Derek there. The doctor in her was practically kicking herself for waiting this long but the wife inside was trembling with fear. She imagined Derek might be roiling in anger if she went to the first ultrasound without him.

Her belly grumbled akin to a lions roar and she desired to scowl. How was it that a woman could barf her guts out and still be raging with hunger? Meredith pulled herself from the floor. Once she scrubbed the taste from her mouth she could extinguish her hunger with a hot pocket or maybe some of those double fudge brownies she bought from the grocery store a couple days before. She could hear Derek's disapproval of her bad eating habits in her head. But Meredith was far too cranky and hungry to care.

She spread a thick layer of Crest across her tooth brush and shucked the device into her mouth. Bristles met teeth and tongue. She sighed with satisfaction as taste of bile was replaced with minty goodness. Absently her right hand found a cozy spot just down below against her navel. Meredith caught herself doing this a few times in recent weeks. She was no where near showing a pudge or bump but she was cognizant a tiny baby was floating inside her. It was like a motherly instinct or something. She just had to caress her child.

Another loud rumble boomed from her stomach. She snickered. "You have the same appetite mommy does huh?" Commenting on her own eating habits. Derek tended to compare her to a bottomless garbage disposal at times and it seemed baby Shepherd-Grey was following in her footsteps.

Spitting, rinsing, and placing her toothbrush back in its holder, Meredith finally exited the master bathroom. The bed was rumpled and unmade from when she and Derek were napping earlier. I'll get it later Meredith though and shuffled from the bedroom. House was quiet. No Alex or Lexie or Derek. She was alone for the first time in a long time.

Well, maybe not alone because of the baby.

She stroked her face, sure that her clammy palm caught onto slabs of mascara, giving her the eye of a raccoon although Meredith couldn't care. The grandfather clock ticked in tune with her socked feet when she hurried down the wooden staircase. It was quiet. A silence she rarely met while home. Usually her roommates and husband created enough noise that picked up no matter where she was in the house. Now it was bleak from sounds.

Belly growling akin to a beastly animal. "I'm getting you some food!" Meredith spit with a shrill. The tiny blonde nearly slipped on her stride to the kitchen in an effort to feed and Fetus. Her nose wrinkled when examining the contents of their fridge. Mostly leftovers from takeout. There was a jammed Dominos Pizza box from the previous night but Meredith didn't think her appetite fell under the cold pizza category.

"Hungry?" Meredith nearly jumped from her skin. A squeak caught in her throat at the voice of her husband. What was Derek doing home? He was supposed to mid-meeting with Richard back at the hospital.

To avoid eliciting the remainder of frothy air from their fridge, Meredith closed it. Her belly was still purring with hunger and she prayed it's plead would quiet some.

Derek's bright eyes pierced against hers. She watches with keen attention when he folded his blazer over a chair at the table and his briefcase to follow. He was wearing jeans. Dark and skinny. A drastic change from the more casual pair he wore around the house. These pants made her body shake with sudden arousal. He did look really freaking good in fitted denim. His thumb and forefinger worked in unison to undo the top button of his oxford. She nearly whimpered catching a glimpse of his chest hair. A fuzzy patch that hadn't been there a few weeks ago.

"You're home." Meredith said softly and she brushed back a strand of loose hair.

Derek grinned. "Yes, I live here, Mer." He pressed his lips to hers for a short and sweet peck. Like a habit that they'd perform for the rest of their lives.

She rolled her eyes. "You know what I meant. You're supposed to be in a meeting with Webber right now."

"And here I thought you would be happy to see me." He laughed. "It wrapped faster than I anticipated." He added.

This alleged meeting was to talk about what happened next in regards of her husband's career. Chief had been on Derek's itinerary since she met him five years ago. It was always a goal for him, even if Meredith was never fond of those wishes.

She tapped her fingers slow against the countertop. "When do you start back as Chief?" Meredith gulped. It was evident he would choose the position over head of neurosurgery again. Derek relished power, a little like herself, and relinquishing his grip on chief felt unlikely. Of course she wanted him to step down but on his accord. Not because her uterus was occupied and her Mommy Hormone Levels were sky high. If Derek were to give up his spot, it was because he desired that.

Derek laughed harsh. "Chief of neuro?" He said.

"What?"

"I gave it up, Mer." Her husband whispered. Stepping forward he grabbed her hand in his and he squeezed.

This was not at all how she imagined her evening panning out. The Derek she knew would have reclaimed his spot as Chief without hesitation. "You love being chief." Meredith husked, almost breathless with her words.

He shook his head. "No, I love you. I love surgery. I love having you in my OR. Being chief doesn't give me that privilege. I'm a secretary more than I'm a surgeon. My hands shake, Mer. They shake because I miss the thrill of performing surgery on someone's open brain. Being shot was a wake up call. Life is too short for me to sit back and do paperwork all day. That's not who I am."

Tears sprung in her irises akin to an early spring rain. She was infested by hormones and the piece of her that normally rejected emotion was demolished. "Being Chief takes time away from the things I love." He continued softly. "I was never home and things between us have been shit. For years I watched Richard Webber's marriage flatline because he chose the job over a life. There is so much that I want, Meredith. I don't just want to take on great cases but I want a life with you. I want babies. A family, Mer."

She could feel her heart sputter at the mention of children. They had this conversation months ago. Before she knew of a baby occupying her womb. Children kind of terrified Meredith. When he initially asked her to think about a baby she was a wreck. No child would want her as a mother. Not when said mother is dark and twisty. But then he had spoken with her. Talked her through the nerves and insisted children were a good thing. Derek didn't want Meredith to be alone if something should happen to him. Even then nerves still lingered. Was she the right person to be a parent?

But a positive pregnancy test changed her tune. It was all so real now. She was pregnant and there was no reverse button to change it. "A baby?" She gasped.

Derek chuckled gingerly. His cold fingers nearly sizzled against her molten cheek as he pushed back her dangling bangs. "One baby, for now. We talked about this and I know you said we should wait. I'm okay to wait but I want you to know that whenever you decide you're ready, I'm ready. You don't have to quit birth control yet or track when your next egg is dropping. But I do want more of us. And if I'm chief we don't get that opportunity." His hand dropped to her flat belly and she nearly came unglued. The words, you're going to be a dad, almost slipped from her lips.

She couldn't tell him this way. Maybe Meredith sucked at the family thing and surprises but it was supposed to be special. Derek loved special. He came from an enormous family of Shepherd's who did special almost every single day of their lives.

"I-I do want a baby." Meredith confirmed. "A year ago the idea of being a mom made me want to hide in a ditch somewhere. But you've changed a lot of things for me, Derek. I didn't think I was capable of love or being in love but here we are; married and talking about chatty Shepherd babies. If you think I won't corrupt it then children are good, at least I think."

His expression was brilliant. Derek smiled so bright it nearly made her corneas burn but in the best way possible. Even if she turned out to be a crappy mom, Derek would love their baby enough for the both of them. "Oh, Mer. The fact that you care so much about not destroying our child already means you would be such a good mom."

She placated her hand over her belly and her fingers brushed Derek's. "Yeah?" A hopeful grin twitched.

"I see the way you are with patients. You care about people, Meredith. You're nothing like your mother."

She was feeling somewhat better. Yes, she was still ridden by anxiety about pending parenthood but Derek was very reassuring. He could usually always turn her fears away. Maybe she was capable of doing this. Being this person.

"Do you remember the day of the shooting when I walked into your office and asked if we could have takeout for dinner to talk about some stuff? And then I said we could have dirty sex? Do you want to do that, maybe tonight?" It was stupid or she felt stupid anyways. Her original plan to tell him about the baby was over Italian takeout. She wanted to stick to her guns, what she knew. Did Derek deserve something better? She should have gone out and bought one of those t-shirts that reads "World's Best Dad" or something. Her husband would appreciate the cheesiness. He was all about cheese and corny gestures.

He laughed softly. "Are you saying you miss sex?" There'd been little to no intimacy in that way since the shooting. Derek had been far too tethered to perform something carnal with her. The closest they had gotten to naked intimacy was the shower they took together just days after his surgery. No porny goodness was involved though as she was only there to keep him upright.

Meredith's cheeks bubbled with heat. Of course she missed sex with her husband. Little did he know this love making session would be celebratory of not simply his career decision but a human they created. "Hmm, would it get you into bed faster?" She purred.

"Possibly..." Derek twisted an arm around her neck, pulling Meredith close. Their lips collided in an urgency she had not felt with him since before the accident. His cavern was needy against her own and his tongue was nearly trembling against hers. She wanted him bad. Her mommy hormones were not confined to tears and random bouts of hunger, but sexual desire as well which may as well be a plus to the pregnancy thing.

Right now, the only thing Meredith was famished for was Derek. The notion of eating escaping her when he randomly throws her over his shoulder.

"Derek!" She squealed. He wasn't running but he was definitely carrying her. Something he had been unable to do since his surgery. Her feet jabbed at his abdomen in an attempt to playfully escape his clutches but deep down Meredith had no desire to leave his arms.

There were moments for Meredith. Moments that defined life for her and she was cognizant this was one.

A gray sheet draped her lower half, leaving nothing to the imagination up above. Her breasts felt heavy and tender hanging from her chest although it was a distant thought. She found her boobs to be the most drastic change of her pregnancy thus far. Her tummy was still flat and she couldn't for the life of her find the glow everyone seemed to ogle over. But her breasts were different. She was... bustier. That was the word Cristina used a couple days ago when Meredith was changing in the resident's lounge. The night before Meredith took a longer look in the mirror after her shower. Her nipples were noticeably darker and much larger than before. All in all that was the most drastic difference her naked eye could spot.

She was optimistic the changes in her bosom weren't so noticeable that Derek could piece her secret together before she told him. He'd yet to say anything. They finished making love a half hour ago. Her husband laved her chest with love and adoration in the midst of it all. But not a single word regarding the changes. Maybe it was a guy thing and he wasn't worried if her nipples looked different or not.

Then again this was Derek Shepherd. A man who had spent hours of his life discovering every inch of her body like it was his burning need to do so. She was worrying herself to a stupor wondering if he really knew and was giving her time to come clean. Derek would do that for her.

She breathed heavy when reaching for another slice of greasy pizza. They're eating naked in their bed and it reminded her of college. Although she did want to giggle watching Derek nearly break into hives witnessing the way she scarfed down another piece.

"Mer, that's your fourth slice." Derek said, shock lacing his tone.

Meredith rolled her eyes and her belly growled in an attempt to tell her she was still famished. If it weren't for the baby she thinks maybe this would be her last piece. "I told you I was hungry." She giggled softly. Meredith begged Derek to order a pizza after he sexed her to heaven and back. That hunger she ignored when he waltzed through the door two hours before came barreling back in full force.

He wiggled the toes that peeked from beneath his favorite blanket and laughed. "I think I've learned to never doubt your hunger my little human garbage disposal."

"Bite me." Meredith narrowed her eyes at him and stuffed the remainder of her extra cheesy slice into her mouth.

"I did that earlier, remember?" Derek's brows wiggled.

Meredith could feel her body cauterizing at the memory of his mouth migrating over her frame a half hour earlier. She glanced to her shoulder where he truly had nibbled and sucked at her skin. The mark left was red but would darken by morning. Nothing a fresh Henley and periwinkle scrubs couldn't cover though.

She brushed the remnants of tomato sauce from her upper lip with the back of her hand. Leaning over their bed, Meredith pressed a softer kiss to the corner of Derek's lips. "Mmm, yes I do." She asserted and smiled gently. "I'm glad you're going to be back at work tomorrow." She added and leant her head down on his shoulder.

Derek's hand caressed her lower back. Almost seamlessly locating the spot that's been bothering her the last couple of weeks. Her breath nearly hitched.

"Me too. I miss working with you."

She missed him too. Meredith was a little embarrassed by the overwhelming amount she missed him when at work. The hospital was different these days. With Derek gone something felt off. It wasn't like before when he took a day off or was sick with the stomach bug. This had been his longest absence from work since they met and it had been strange. She felt a little lonely too. Even when Cristina was there.

"If you get a totally cool case tomorrow can I scrub in?" She scrunched her nose against his shoulder blade.

"You, me, a ferryboat scrub cap, and crazy case tomorrow. It's a date." Derek announced. She realized it wasn't normal to categorize surgery as a date. But she and her husband had always defied the odds of normalcy. They married on a post-it for crying out loud.

They lounged silently for the following minutes. Derek's hand still firm against her spine, it's warmth radiating through her bare skin.

The winding scar from his surgery catches her eye. Bouts of dark chest hair have begun to eclipse the fleshy mark. She barely noticed it during the sex. Meredith was all too consumed by his hands on her hips or the way his tongue ran along the concave dip in her collarbone. She didn't mind his wounds though. She's curious if Addison or a past girlfriend of his ever cared about superficial things like that. She and Derek made a pretty banged up team; his surgery scar and the one on his forehead from his motorcycle accident. She had a couple on her belly from the appendectomy and the liver resection. Silently her thumb traced just below her bellybutton, she thinks stretch marks might soon greet her pre-existing scars.

Meredith watched Derek's eyes circle to her chest and her body perspired. She untangled herself quickly. "They're making us do therapy." She changes the subject to distract him from her larger breasts. "Stupid therapy because they think we all have trauma or whatever. It's dumb. I mean I'm fine, you're fine, everyone is fine." Her mouth moves a million miles a minute.

"Are you sure you're okay? We've never really... talked about it." He inquired.

"Of course I'm fine. The stupid therapy man thinks I'm not though. He cleared everyone for surgery, but me. And I wasn't even shot, Derek!" She said with annoyance warping her tone.

Derek's fingers curled against her shoulder and his head tilted every so slightly. His famous head tilt. The one that wipes every drop of anger Meredith is withholding away. His stupid brain man head tilt. And he cracked a sly grin. "Stupid therapy man?"

She shoved his shoulder with her palm. "Shut up!" Meredith growled, pulling her knees to her chest.

"He's just doing his job, Mer. I was shot and you're my wife. He probably just wants to be thorough that you're alright. I don't remember much after the bullet hit me but I do have flashes of you kneeling over me with my blood covering your hands. You kept saying I wasn't allowed to die. That's scary, Meredith. If that would have been you... I would have been a fucking nightmare. I was a nightmare when you drowned. Watching the person you love nearly die is traumatizing. I get it." He whispered. "You don't have to be this person who hides her emotions and pretends to be okay all the time. It's great if you are really fine but if you aren't, that's okay too."

Meredith shivered thinking back to when Gary Clark threatened to shoot Derek again if Cristina didn't stop operating. She had been willing to take a bullet for her husband if it meant his life was spared. He had no idea about that. She was pregnant with his baby and she had been willing to die for him. She really thought that was okay.

"I am fine." She settled on concluding that much. Meredith Grey could be fine after watching a man shoot her husband because of all the other terrible crap that's gone on in her life. Someone like Lexie wouldn't be fine after that because was bright and shiny and grew up with smiley face posters lining her walls. But Meredith, she was dark. She gets to come out of the situation unscathed because of her twisted past. "Are you fine?" She turned the conversation point to him.

Derek chuckled burly. His fingers traced the lining of the gray pillow lying over his lap. "As fine as a guy can be after being shot." He answered. "I'm good. I'm anxious to get back in the OR and start living our lives again."

"You sure you're fine? Because last night you were driving that fancy new Porsche of yours awfully fast." Meredith teased. They we're heading out to CVS to pick up some bandaids and peanut butter M&M's for herself. A spark lined his irises as he cruised along the highway, zipping twenty miles over the speed limit. She imagined that was Derek's definition of being a 'bad boy.' Something nabs at her insisting he didn't really know what living vicariously really meant. But she giggled to herself and let him enjoy the idiotic fantasy.

Twisting his neck, Derek said, "It's my new toy, maybe I just want to live on the edge."

"Right because 'living on the edge' is totally safe and not at all stupid."

"It's not. Have you ever driven eighty-five miles on the freeway? I swear Mer, it's riveting. Especially in the Porsche. You like the Porsche." He preened.

Meredith rolled her eyes at his statement. "Yeah, maybe when I was twenty-two and stupid. You're a grown man, I swear you're going to get pulled over sooner or later and I am going to let you rot in a jail cell for the night to teach you a lesson."

"I don't look good in orange..." Derek sighed in referral to the standard criminal jumpsuit.

She giggled softly. "No one does."

"You would." His eyes beamed. "You would look really sexy in one of those orange jumpsuits."

"Derek Christopher Shepherd, are you trying to tell me I would make a good criminal?"

"A hot criminal." The tip of his tongue lined his thinner lips.

Meredith quivered at the gesture. "Try telling me that when I'm a fat whale in a couple of months. Let's see how well your jailhouse fantasy works for you then." The words slipped so easily from her throat she barely registered asserting them. Her breath caught in her esophagus like a thick lump of molasses. That isn't how she was pictured telling him. Derek deserved special. He was all about the stupid special crap.

"You think you're already pregnant after one time between the sheets?" He asked. Her chest constricted tight. Derek hadn't caught onto what she was featuring but Meredith couldn't decide if she was relieved or not.

She bit back her lip. Screw cheery surprises and special crap. "No, Derek." Meredith whispered. "I am pregnant, I've been pregnant."

"I don't understand..." He said through a strained whisper.

"I wanted us to have dirty sex and eat takeout naked not just for the hell of it but I was planning on telling you in one of those cutesy ways. Except my stupid pregnant brain blurts shit whenever it wants to and I had to make a comment about being a whale." Meredith reached for the sheet to wrap herself with, suddenly feeling the need to conceal herself.

Derek blinked. "That day in my office when you asked if I was going to be home... you knew then, didn't you?"

Meredith nodded and a rush of guilt spread within her. She had her reasons for keeping it a secret for so long. Using his injuries as an excuse to hide the fact they would be parents in less than seven months. But she'd been selfish in doing so. Selfishly terrified this wasn't what he wanted because the timing really sucked. If she had known her husband was stepping down from Chief, she would have said something sooner.

But it didn't excuse the secrecy either. "I'm sorry. I-I'm ten weeks. I puke a lot, in fact all freaking day long. I cry watching those animal shelter commercials. The smell of blood makes me nauseous and I take a nap whenever I can at work because the baby makes me so tired. I eat even more than I did before, hence the four slices of pizza and I'm embarrassed to say I'm still hungry. Not to mention my boobs are already gigantic and they hurt. Like really freaking hurt. So if you're mad, then be mad, but I promise the first trimester has not been glamorous and in fact if I were you I'd be happy to have had nothing to do with it."

She awaited the screams, yelling, barking. Derek had a temper the size of Texas and when he got mad... it was not a side of him she favored. Meredith wasn't scared of her husband. Normally if he bitched she bitched back harder. That's how they operated. Except maybe in this moment she was slightly terrified he might blow his top at her and she would uncontrollably spiral into sobs because of her feral hormones.

"I had a feeling." Derek sighed.

"What?"

"A feeling. I-I didn't know. I didn't know if I was just high on pain killers or maybe I was losing it. But Mer, you're glowing. My sisters talk about the pregnancy glow and I rolled my eyes but now I get it. You've been... lighter. I see it on your skin and in your eyes." His lips quirked a grin.

Meredith frowned slightly. "You think I'm glowing?"

"Oh I don't think," Her husband started. "I know. I've known all along you just confirmed it for me. And I get that you probably don't buy into the happy, glowing, pregnant lady shit but you really are. Of course there were other things that made me questionable. Like the fact you've taken a random liking to peanut butter M&M's or that you got teary eyed watching a lifetime movie the other night. Oh and the boobs. God, I couldn't stop staring at them when we were making love earlier." Derek smirked.

Blush eclipsed her chest, neck, and cheeks. He wasn't mad and in fact had practically known all along. "You aren't furious I kept it a secret?"

He shook his head. "I was waiting for you to tell me on your own, if I'd been right, and I was. I didn't want to spook you and ask in case you weren't. But I'm not mad at you. Mer, you're the one carrying the baby around for nine months."

She dropped a hand to her flat belly. The sheet she'd been using as a buffer slowly sank and uncovered her bare skin for Derek's gaze to feast at. He had noticed the boobs and the weird mood swings, but he gave her space and that was... really kind of amazing. She didn't think any other husband in the world would be this understanding. Then again, most men weren't used to women like Meredith either.

"I knew you were probably scared and worried about being a mom. I know you and your doubts. Me breathing over your shoulder, making you want the baby wouldn't have done any good." He added.

"Oh," She cooed. "Derek, I've always been excited about the baby. I wasn't upset the day I took the test or mad at all. Maybe a little freaked but the good kind of freaking."

Her husband's grin was kilowatt when she lifted her head. Already she knew he was over the moon about this baby. "You were just so hesitant when we talked about this a few months ago." He replied.

She remembered the conversation. Just before he rolled on top of her and suggested they "practice" their baby making skills. She was frazzled over that. She thought no baby would want her as a mother. "I was and I am freaked but when I saw the positive pregnancy test, something changed. This overwhelming amount of joy rushed over me. I don't know if I'm going to be a great mom or whatever but I'm not mad that we made a life together."

"We're having a baby." Derek whispered. A trace of perpetual euphoria laced his voice through and through. He was happy. So happy about the baby. For all the crap they had suffered this was a slice of goodness.

Meredith nodded and a glint of joyful tears brimmed her waterline. "We're having a baby." She shot him a watery smile and curled her arms around his neck. Derek reciprocated her hug and squeezed her waist. They shared a softer kiss and she nuzzled her nose against his. Her skin heated when his palm pressed to her stomach.

Maybe life wasn't so dark and twisty after all.

Hi everyone! I just wanted to quickly say I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of this new story. Basically this is a what if scenario for the season six finale. What if Meredith hadn't lost the baby during the shooting? I feel the dynamic would be far different from her season nine pregnancy and I wanted to explore it.

This won't necessarily follow the season seven storyline like SYBG is following season fifteen simply because Meredith being different basically changes everything for MerDer. I'm going to focus some on her pregnancy but the big thing is Meredith's task of juggling motherhood and being a resident together. The story will most likely only be told from her view!

Leave me a review if you enjoyed and would like to see more. I'm stuffing all the angry feelings I have about Meredith and DeLuca through writing MerDer so I hope you don't mind some fluff here and there.

Thank you for taking your time to read this and I can't wait crank out some more for you all!