A/N 1: I do not own anything. Dick Wolf does. Surprise!

This is a little piece of a lot of things that came into mind while I watched episode 20x19, "Dearly Beloved". Jesse and Billie do not exist in this story.

For everyone who thought Olivia went all "pro-life" in this episode, I disagree. She said that it was Kitty's decision, but that she is biased in this particular case. The woman is traumatized because she knows that her mother never loved her unconditionally, so this case triggered her. My two cents.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy. :)

Flashbacks are in italics.

Happy reading.

xxxx

Calling You Mine

"I fall apart and just one word from you somehow seems to fix whatever's wrong. You reach into the weakest moments and remind me that I'm strong. You've gotta know I'd be a fool not to see, or even worse, to forget you're more than I deserve. Nothing makes sense when you're not here. It's like my whole world disappears."

The crisp, ice-cold March air was catching in Olivia Benson's hair, her chestnut curls being whipped into her face under the beanie she was wearing as she gazed across the open waters that stretched out before her, the dark grey of the slightly turbulent sea stretching out before her as her forearms were resting on the pier's balustrade, her eyes trained on the horizon. The cold wave that had the U.S. in its firm grip had shifted east from the Midwest, burying New York City under inches of fresh snow every day.

For the first time ever since their last case had started, Olivia felt something akin to hope flutter in her chest having watched Kitty Bennett walk away from her just minutes prior, happy that the other brunette considered keeping her baby after all. The lightheartedness that she felt, however, was paired with a twinge of pain that nagged at her insides and pulled at her heartstrings unpleasantly whenever the lieutenant thought about her mother.

"I could never love a baby who was conceived by a monster."

As Kitty's words echoed in her head they made her ears ring, and suddenly Olivia was fifteen years old again, standing in the doorway to their living room, her mother drunkenly slurring those exact same words into the phone receiver while she was talking to one of her bridge club friends. Olivia remembered how an iron fist had grabbed her heart and squeezed harshly, pressing all the air out of the young brunette's lungs. She remembered how her throat had constricted painfully with impending tears and how she had stumbled into her bedroom and cried herself to sleep that night. As a child, Olivia had always been confused by the fact that her mother was so harsh toward her, but as she got old enough to understand what the older woman was always raving on and on about, which was that she had been conceived by her father raping her mother, everything had just fallen into place and changed her life forever. She had always craved her mother's love, constantly struggling and fighting, feeling like she had to earn her motherly affection because she was not good enough, a constant reminder to Serena of what Joseph Hollister had done to her in the spring of 1967.

Instead of love, she had received psychological and physical abuse, her mother breaking her arm when she was fourteen and attacking her with a broken bottle when she was sixteen. All those incidents, however, made her want to work harder on becoming person who Serena Benson could rely on; the person who might eventually find the man who had destroyed her mother's life. Everything she had endured in her earlier life had led her where she was now, who she was now: Lieutenant Olivia Benson, commanding officer of SVU.

Delving so deeply into the painful memories of her past, Olivia felt tears burn behind her eyes, the storm clouds that were slowly rolling in blurring in front of her as she tried not to cry. Having been lost in her thoughts, Olivia had not noticed the person who was now standing next to her, mirroring her posture with their forearms propped on the balustrade, blue eyes staring out at the sea. Amanda Rollins.

The brunette closed her eyes, the tears that had been gathering there pouring down her cheeks now, and heaved a deep sigh, trying to fill her lungs with air around the lump in her throat. Swallowing hard, this lump made its way down into her stomach, clenching painfully as the guilt settled in. She had never told Amanda about the things she had endured from her mother. Instead, when she had almost blurted it out in her office before they had picked up Josh Hensley, she had snapped at the blonde and almost bitten her head off.

xxxx

Misty, chocolate brown orbs were staring through the blinds of her office window and over the city, the fading sunlight pouring in and bathing Olivia's office in soft rays of brightness. The brunette's thoughts were scrambled, every horrible thing her mother had ever said or done to her flooding her mind after her encounter with Kitty Bennet earlier that day.

It took Olivia a moment to react to the gentle knock on her office door and she turned around just in time for her girlfriend of seven years to ask her if she was okay. Plastering the biggest smile onto her face she could muster, she slowly turned around to face Amanda, "Sure."

A brief silence was what followed, but it felt like it stretched out between the two women, Olivia barely lifting her gaze but rather walking straight over to her desk chair to sit down. The blonde detective stopped in her tracks almost imperceptibly, aware of the fact that the silent barrier that was Olivia's desk was still up between them. The brunette had sat down behind it, meaning that she was acting as the squad's lieutenant, not as her girlfriend, and Amanda was confused, but decided to ignore it and instead pushed the subject, "Kitty is not your mom."

Having noticed the other woman's barely noticeable flinch and the flash of pain in cerulean blue orbs, Olivia managed to soften her posture as the blonde frowned, Amanda's words, however, having struck a chord deeply inside her, tucked away underneath thick layers of buried feelings and emotional as well as physical scar tissue.

Swallowing hard around the lump in her throat, Olivia felt hot tears finally welling up in her eyes as she mustered up all her courage and croaked, "When I was fifteen years old, I overheard her on the phone, talking to someone. And I heard her say, 'How can I ever love someone that was conceived by a monster?'" The brunette's voice broke at the last word as she struggled to keep her tears at bay, not wanting to cry with the blinds to the bullpen wide open. Raising her gaze to meet her girlfriend's cobalt orbs that were looking at her with such a gentle expression that she struggled to not let the tears fall, Olivia whispered, "That's exactly what Kitty said to me."

Chewing her bottom lip nervously, Amanda's index finger anxiously drummed against one of the chairs in front of Olivia's desk, and the blonde took a deep breath in order to comfort her love, this strong, beautiful woman whose bottom lip was now trembling so violently in her attempt to not lose her composure. Just as she was about to open her mouth, however, Carisi barged into the room, "Hey!"

Whipping her head around, Amanda started shooting daggers at him and he had the decency to cower a little under her icy stare, raising his hands defensively, "Sorry, should I-"

"What?" Olivia chimed in, her eyes widening a little to rein back the tears that were still threatening to fall.

Looking between the two women, Carisi said, "The paternity came back. It's a match."

Amanda watched the brunette swallow and shake her head, her posture straightening, and the blonde detective could practically see the change in her girlfriend. For people who did not know her like Amanda did, Olivia went straight back into Lieutenant mode, but the blonde knew better. One look into those still misty, mocha eyes, and she knew that the brunette was anything but fine. Yet, here she was, looking at Amanda and Carisi, her voice strong, "Pick him up."

Carisi nodded and immediately left the office, but Amanda hung back a little, her soft gaze still locked onto the woman on the other side of the desk, "Liv-"

Olivia's head shot up and she glared, "I said pick him up, Rollins."

Taken aback by the older woman's harsh tone, the blonde decided to let it go and just bobbed her head in obedience, "Copy that, Lieutenant."

xxxx

Amanda did not say anything, but instead just gazed at the horizon, waiting for Olivia to be ready. Seeing movement in her peripheral vision, she slowly stood erect and turned to her left to face the brunette. Tentatively reaching out, Olivia started fiddling with the sleeve of the blonde's thick, fluffy winter coat, chocolate orbs intently focused on the action while she was scrambling to find her words, "I.. I… Manda…"

Feeling her girlfriend take her gloved hands into her own to make her stop fidgeting, the brunette watched as Amanda wrapped Olivia's arms around her slim waist, pressing herself up against the taller woman, soft cobalt orbs flitting across her face as a small smile played at her lips.

Amanda's right hand came up to cup the brunette's cheek, so much understanding in her tender gaze that Olivia had a hard time holding back her tears once again and she croaked, "I'm so sorry."

The blonde's thumb came to rest against her lips to stop her from continuing, "Don't apologize to me. You don't have to. I understand."

Frowning, Olivia shook her head vehemently, "I do. I was horrible to you while working this case. So horrible. And you didn't deserve my anger because I haven't told you everything. I held things back from you because I didn't want you to realize that I'm even more damaged than you thought. I can't lose you, Manda."

Stroking the taller woman's cheek gently, Amanda leaned in and languidly brushed their noses together, "You won't ever lose me, my love. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. How could you lose me when I spent all my life trying to find you? I'm not letting you go. Ever."

Hot tears were now pouring from Olivia's eyes as she squeezed her girlfriend in her arms, watching as Amanda's hands came to rest on the collar of her coat. Tugging Olivia lightly toward her, she leaned in and connected their lips in a slow, deep kiss, hot and open-mouthed, but so gentle that both women were hit by a wave of their intense emotions for each other as they moaned into each other's mouths.

When they parted, Amanda watched as the brunette chased her lips with a disgruntled sound, not ready to break their kiss just yet. Chuckling, the younger woman leaned back in for another quick and chaste kiss, whispering hoarsely into the air between them, "Come on, Baby. Let's go home and I'll make you dinner. Then we can cuddle up with Frannie and Noah and watch TV. Okay? Sounds good?"

Pulling the shorter woman into a tight hug, Olivia took a deep breath and took in her girlfriend's redolence, catching the familiar whiff of vanilla and lavender, the mix of the blonde's perfume and shampoo reminding the brunette of a mild afternoon breeze and washing away her anxiety almost completely, "Sounds wonderful."

Kissing the taller woman's ear gently, Amanda smiled, "Okay, then. Let's go, Baby."

xxxx

Olivia stepped out of the bedroom after her shower and slowly walked back toward the kitchen and living area of their apartment. They had put Noah to bed not too long ago and the brunette was dreading what came next. She did not want to talk to her girlfriend about her mother in any way, the all-encompassing fear of Amanda walking out the door not letting her out of its firm grip. She felt like the air was being squeezed out of her lungs and she wanted to curl up into a ball and cry instead of having to deal with the look on the younger woman's face.

When she entered the kitchen, however, the air was knocked from her lungs for a completely different reason. Upon arriving home, Amanda had changed into an oversized burgundy knitted off-the-shoulder sweater that was too big for her, her back muscles flexing as she washed the dishes now, and Olivia swallowed hard at the sight, a sudden wave of desire for her girlfriend rushing through her body. The other woman's yoga pants were tight and hugged the blonde in all the right places, her enticing backside making the brunette's mouth water.

Olivia carefully approached her girlfriend, strong arms wrapping around the blonde's smaller frame from behind as the brunette started pressing hot, wet kisses along Amanda's shoulder, her hands coming up and slipping underneath the soft fabric of the other woman's sweater and up to her braless breasts.

"Liv-" Amanda sighed, subconsciously pressing her body harder into Olivia's, "Please, let's just-" She whimpered when the lieutenant cupped her breasts, firmly massaging the two globes with her strong hands and purposefully rubbing her nipples into stiffness.

Biting the pale flesh of Amanda's shoulder, the brunette rasped, "Mmmm… you're delicious. Seeing you like this makes me want to do things to you." Plush lips ascended Amanda's neck along her furiously pounding pulse and Olivia started nibbling her earlobe, sending shockwaves through the blonde's body as the taller woman whispered hotly, "I just want to bend you over this counter and fuck the daylights out of you, Manda."

Amanda's core twitched, her clit throbbing and her walls clamping down around nothing, a blonde head falling back onto her girlfriend's shoulder, "Liv, please…"

Tickling down the shorter woman's body, Olivia's hands hooked into the waistband of the blonde's grey yoga pants and pushed them down to mid-thigh, exposing Amanda's most sacred parts to the chill of the room.

Her breathing labored now, Amanda whimpered desperately, "Please, Olivia. We need to stop."

Halting all her other movements, the taller woman just wrapped her arms around the blonde's midsection, her chin on Amanda's exposed shoulder, "Do you want to stop?"

Giving Olivia an incredulous look over her shoulder, the blonde shot back, "Of course not. You know I always want you, Liv. But I know what you are doing. Everytime you don't feel good or something is bothering you, you try to compensate by making others feel good, especially me. If that's what you need, I am fine with that. I would dare to say, however, that we should be rational about this, no matter how much I want you to just take me and make me see stars."

Olivia groaned into her girlfriend's shoulder, her arousal and need for the other woman spiking at her words, and she whispered, "Can I? Please?"

Kissing the underside of Olivia's jaw softly, her tongue just briefly flitting out, Amanda hoarsely breathed, "You know you can do anything you want to me, Liv."

Brown eyes fluttered closed at the admission, throatily husked against her hot skin, and Olivia's hands began to wander, once again. Squeezing Amanda's backside firmly, the brunette bit down on the other woman's earlobe, "Are you wet for me?"

Moaning, the blonde felt her hips cant backwards into her girlfriend's core, an involuntary movement that made Olivia bite her bottom lip and look down between their bodies, "Why don't you find out for yourself?"

Olivia squeezed the shorter woman's ass cheeks once again, her tone demanding, "Aren't we feisty today, Detective? Bend over and spread your legs!"

Leaning over and bracing herself on her shaky arms, the blonde did as she was told and felt her girlfriend pull her pants further down so she could widen her legs.

Nimble fingers stroked underneath her sweater once again, goosebumps erupting all over her body as Olivia tickled up her spine and back down, Amanda's stiff nipples straining against the wool as they rubbed against the fabric.

Olivia's hand had reached the blonde's backside once again, the lieutenant just staring at the contrast that her tan hand formed against the paleness of Amanda's skin, before her desire took over and she delivered a firm smack to Amanda's left cheek.

The blonde bit down on her forearm to muffle her groan, her wetness starting to trickle down her thighs, "Liv-"

"Mommy?"

Both women's eyes widened at hearing the familiar voice, tiny, bare feet padding down the hallway and toward the kitchen. Olivia bent down to pull Amanda's pants back up so fast that tiny black dots started to appear before her eyes, the brunette fighting to not let the dizziness take over while she scrambled over to the sink to wash her hands. Amanda had grabbed a towel hastily to pretend she was drying off the dishes she had just washed and the brunette came up to her to dry her hands right after before putting on her brightest, most innocent smile just as Noah rounded the corner to the kitchen, "Hi there, little man."

Sleepy blue eyes were staring up at them, flitting from one woman to the other before somewhat being able to focus, "I'm sorry, Mommy, but I woke up and was really thirsty. So I thought I'd get up and get a bottle of water. I promise I'll go straight back to bed."

Exchanging a look with her girlfriend, Olivia smiled at their son, "That's okay, Baby. Let's get you a bottle of water from the fridge and I'll tuck you back in."

The boy's curious eyes went to Amanda, "Could I get a hug, please?"

Ocean blue orbs were tearing up, but the blonde tried her best to push her emotions down and instead dropped to her knees with her arms open, "Of course, bud. Come here."

Walking over, Noah wrapped himself around the blonde detective who picked him up and pressed a soft kiss to his temple, swaying him back and forth and tickling his back gently, "I love you, bud."

Amanda felt the little boy squeeze her, "I love you too, Mama."

With her surroundings blurring caused by the amount of tears in her eyes, the blonde pressed another kiss to the boy's temple and tried to force the quiver from her voice, "Let's get you back to bed. What do you say, bud?"

Noah nodded, burying himself a little deeper in Amanda's embrace, the two detectives looking at each other over their son's shoulder. Carrying the boy to his bedroom, Amanda put him into bed and pulled the covers up around him, "Goodnight, Noah. Sleep tight."

The boy smiled up at her, "You too, Mama."

Her stomach dropped once again at hearing Noah refer to her as his mother, but she tried not to show any uncertainties that she might have. Instead, she leaned down and pressed a kiss to the little boy's forehead before turning to Olivia and squeezing her shoulder, "I'll take a quick shower, Baby."

Grinning mischievously at the blonde, the older woman nodded and puckered her lips, Amanda snorting out a laugh, but kissing her girlfriend softly before leaving the room, ready for an ice-cold shower to calm her raging libido.

xxxx

When Amanda stepped back out into the hallway, she tiptoed over to Noah's room and leaned against the doorframe. The brunette boy was sleeping soundly, his little chest gently rising and falling while Olivia sat next to him, the blonde just in time to hear her girlfriend whisper, "I love you so much, sweet boy. And nothing is ever going to change that."

Watching this scenario, Amanda felt a warm flutter in her chest, her heart bursting with happiness and love for her little family. Having had to put up with her family refusing to validate her relationship with Olivia for years, seeing the brunette interact with the little bundle huddled up underneath the blankets made her throat close up lightly as she stared, but she was able to hold back the impending tears.

With one last kiss to curly tufts of hair, the brunette got up and turned, stopping in her tracks briefly when she saw Amanda watching her, and smiled softly. Backing out of the room with Olivia following her trail and closing the door behind her, the blonde let herself bump into the opposite wall, grinning as she watched Olivia approach and cup both of her cheeks with her hands. They simultaneously closed their eyes, sinking into the slow, deep kiss that the taller woman initiated, pressing the blonde detective up against the wall, her hands wandering down to hoist Amanda up. Wrapping her thighs around Olivia's midsection, Amanda sighed, gently tugging on chestnut tresses as their tongues danced together.

Slowly breaking the kiss, the brunette pulled away and buried her head in the crook of the younger woman's neck, breathing in her scent deeply once again and just swaying their bodies back and forth, whispering, "I love you so much, Manda."

The blonde's hold on Olivia's neck tightened as she felt strong shoulders starting to shake, kissing the taller woman's ear once again, "I love you too, Baby. Come on, let me down."

With hot tears streaming down her face, the brunette let Amanda slide back down to the ground, the younger woman guiding them into the living room and over to the couch where she sank down and gathered her girlfriend in her arms.

With Olivia tucked against her chest, Amanda kissed her hair and waited for the tears to subside, featherlightly stroking her girlfriend's spine and breathing soft words of reassurance into the air between them.

The room was eerily quiet otherwise, Olivia's tiny sniffles slowly becoming less frequent until her breathing started to eventually even out again. Amanda thought that the older woman had fallen asleep when her deep, rich voice suddenly filled the room, "My mother never loved me, you know that much. There are, however, so many things that I haven't told you. Like that one time, when I was fourteen and she was drunk. She twisted my arm so hard that it broke and I had to go to the ER to get a cast and I told the doctor that I tripped and tried to catch the fall by holding out my arm, breaking it because it couldn't hold my body weight. Or that other time, when I was sixteen and she was drunk again. I came out to her as bisexual and in turn she came after me with a broken bottle so I kicked her into a wall to defend myself and knocked her unconscious. I lived with my mother's psychological and physical abuse ever since I was born, but I was actually sad when she died. How sick is that? How much can you crave your mother's love, really?"

Squeezing her girlfriend in her arms, Amanda tried to not let her anger at Serena Benson get the best of her. The woman was dead and Olivia was alive, confiding in her with her deepest, darkest secrets that had obviously been torturing her all her life. The brunette raised her head and misty mocha orbs were now staring at her, Amanda seeing the pain of 51 years of pain that had been inflicted on her beautiful girlfriend. The blonde pressed a lingering kiss to the older woman's forehead, softly whispering, "It's not sick at all, Baby. You loved your mother. She was the reason why you joined SVU. But the bottom line is that you loved your mother. You still do. You love her with all your heart and you always will because she is the reason that you are in this world, Baby. You're half hers. And boy, am I lucky that you are in this world."

Chuckling, Olivia leaned up and pressed a kiss to the pale skin of Amanda's jawline, "What about you?"

The blonde shook her head, "This is not about me, Liv. This is about you and your pain. You're deflecting again."

Olivia smiled softly through her tears, "Your pain is just as important as my pain, my love."

Grinding her jaw, the younger woman thought about her own family, "It's different though, Baby. My mother and sister only see what they want to see. My father beat my mother half to death and they were all a bunch of Bible-thumping hypocrites. But even though my dad was so violent and they both drowned their sorrows in alcohol, I still loved both of them. All I did as a kid was sit by the window right after the front door slammed shut after another one of their fights, waiting for my daddy to come home to our family again. It's normal for a child to want that, Baby. And it's normal to crave your parents' love. It took me a while as well to see that there wasn't anything wrong with me, waiting for my dad to come home after he had beaten my mother up so badly. So believe me when I tell you, Liv, there is nothing wrong with you loving and still missing your mother."

Propping herself up on her elbows, Olivia pushed herself up to hover over the blonde, "I love you, Amanda Rollins. Thank you."

Amanda smiled softly, cupping the other woman's cheek in her palm, "Nothing to thank me for. Come here."

With that, the two women sealed each other's lips with another soft kiss, and Olivia smiled, "I'm sorry for getting you all hot and bothered earlier. I know it's how I tend to deal with things, at least at first, but you know that I will always talk to you eventually, right?"

Amanda snorted, "I know, Baby. I know."

Before she could delve deeper into her nagging thoughts, however, the younger woman leaned in to steal another kiss from her girlfriend, but Olivia saw right through her, "What is it, Manda?"

Biting her lip and worrying it between her teeth, Amanda sighed deeply, "Baby, this is still not about me."

The brunette shook her head, "Manda… the things that happened with my mother will come to the surface eventually. I will tell you as they come up. There is, however, something that is bothering you. Something that I want to know about. Right now, my sweet".

Leaning her head back on the armrest, Amanda took another deep breath, "Baby… I… Noah called me mama today. Is that a problem for you? I just felt a little uneasy because I didn't know what to do with it."

Kissing the other woman's lips chastely, Olivia scooted up the younger woman's body so their noses were touching, "Manda, we have been together since the dawn of time…"

Amanda laughed, "No, we haven't. That would be you and Cabot."

Rolling her eyes, the brunette turned serious, "No, it wouldn't. Now, I need you to listen to me. What I was saying is, we were together long before I even adopted Noah. So if you are okay with him calling you his mama, I am okay with it. If you are okay and he is okay, I am okay. This is the only family that he has ever known, so I get him. Considering the fact that my mother was, well, a little lacking, I am perfectly fine if he considers you his mom."

Amanda chuckled, "Oh, look. You are trying to be funny to mask your pain again."

Raising her eyebrow, Olivia shot back, "You know me too well."

Squeezing the older woman in her arms, the blonde whispered, "I do. And I love you even more because I do. Calling you mine is the greatest honor I have ever had, and I will cherish you for as long as I have you."

The brunette felt a familiar burning of tears behind her eyes, once again, "I love you too, Manda. Forever."

Leaning up, Amanda kissed her girlfriend again, her tongue stroking Olivia's warmth briefly, "Forever."

"I pinch myself sometimes to make sure I'm not in a dream because that's how it seems. I close my eyes and breathe in the sweetest moments I've ever known and it feels like home. Everyone that sees you always wants to know you. And everyone that knows you always has a smile. You're a standing ovation after years of waiting for a chance to shine. Everyone calls you amazing, but I just call you mine."

xxxx

A/N 2: Thank you for reading.

This got a little more heated than I intended it to be. I guess I'm just that thirsty, huh?

The quote in the beginning and the end are taken from the song I Just Call You Mine in the version of David Phelps.

Reviews are love.

Until next time, my lovelies.