Author's Note: Although "Lost Reason" was written entirely to be a self-contained one-shot, several readers have been clamoring for more of this story. Because I felt that "Lost Reason" had already run its course, I have opted to write a new story as a sequel, relatively independent of it, but still related.
Just as "Lost Reason" was inspired by an Abingdon Boys School song, so is this one. If you can get your hands on "Via Dolorosa" by Abingdon Boys School, I highly recommend it. I listened to it a lot while brainstorming and writing this story.
Setting: Same as "Lost Reason" -- it basically doesn't have a setting, because I can't quite fit it in. The appearance of Lulubell in the manga, and then the evolution of the Level Four, has thrown everything into chaos. Thus, I can only say that this story takes place after the Noah's Ark storyline, and therefore begins to deviate from the canon around the time of chapter 135. I'm taking artistic license on Lavi's past, since Hoshino-sensei still hasn't told us much about him.
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of "D.Gray-man" or its characters. It all belongs to the brilliant Katsura Hoshino-sensei. I'm just playing in the sandbox of this beautiful and complex world.
Warning: Some language. Spoilers if you only watch the anime. And also for a shounen-ai pairing, though all interaction is quite tame and PG. If boys kissing and making out squicks you, read no further and use your "back" button!
"Via Dolorosa"
The first thought to pass through Allen Walker's mind at that particular point in time was: I'm going to kill Lavi. That thought was immediately revised to: I'm going to take him apart, rearrange his face, beat him to a stupor, and then I'm going to kill him.
It took several more moments for him to revise that further: No, I'm not going to kill him. He's not going to get off that easy. I'm going just punch him until he comes to his senses!
His hand clenched in anger and frustration. Lavi, if you don't stop ignoring me, I'll... I'll... Dammit. I'll probably just cry, is what I'll probably do. Damn it all. Why do you do this to me?
"This is a cute little town," Miranda Lotto said admiringly, looking around. "I like this place. It's cheery."
Timcanpy backwinged as it came in for a landing, settling itself into Allen's white hair. Allen reached a hand up to touch the golem; "Did you find them, Tim?"
The golem responded by rolling backwards and opening its mouth (or so Allen deduced by what happened, since he couldn't actually see Tim do it) which started its projection system. The projection was silent, and because of the golem's location, Allen couldn't see the image. Fortunately, he wasn't alone.
"So that's the place?" Kanda Yuu scowled. "Doesn't look very defensible."
Komui Lee, the man in charge of preparing their hideout, had sent word that as soon as they arrived in Nice, he would call to Timcanpy, and give the little golem the image of the temporary fortress's outside facade.
"Timcanpy, which direction?" Arystar Krory asked.
There was no response from the golem. Apparently leading them to the building wasn't part of the instructions.
"Well that makes sense, I suppose," Lenalee Lee reasoned. "I suppose it's best that we are just supposed to walk until we come across it."
Lavi snorted violently. "Bah! That makes no sense at all! 'Let's just leave the Exorcists out in the open in a small village, instead of giving them a clear destination. No Akuma or Noah will go after them while they're lost.' That logic is stupid and dangerous. Pfft! Lenalee, your brother's lost his marbles."
"No one said that's what Komui-san's objective was," Allen retorted, and was relieved that Lavi actually looked at him for a few seconds, before looking away.
"If you're so smart, Allen, you tell me what the logic of this is. Because we're practically sitting ducks until we can get ourselves situated. Enlighten me, as I'm quite obviously too stupid to figure it out myself."
That question was met with silence, and some dumbfounded expressions. Lavi, normally cheerful and optimistic, had been behaving uncharacteristically dolorous lately. Such a biting direct attack at Allen was really incongruous for him. Lavi wasn't the kind to hold a grudge against anyone except a sworn enemy who had done grievous injury to his surrogate family. For him to be so surly towards Allen, whom he had recently shown a pronounced and intimate affection for, was quite unheard-of.
Biting down hard on a hurt rejoinder, Allen ground his jaws together, his heart filled with an indescribable emotion mirroring anger, sorrow and confusion.
"Idiot," Kanda snapped, glaring at Lavi. "Did the possibility of us being followed by a Noah never occur to you? They're playing it safe. They'll let us know when we're close." He turned away and started walking. After several moments, the rest of the group followed him. Lenalee reprimanded Lavi for his coarse behavior.
Allen felt resentment bubble up inside him. Why was Lavi being this way? Two days ago -- not quite forty-eight hours as of now -- he'd confessed to Allen that he was in love, which had thrown Allen into a tailspin of emotions.
It's almost like he's trying to push me away now. After what he said to me, about how he tried to fight the feelings, wanted to ignore them, tried to change them, and how he just couldn't... why is he doing this now? I didn't reject him, I just told him I needed time to figure out what exactly it is that I'm feeling.
It hurt acutely, this sudden reversing of behavior. It was like Lavi was taking a razor blade to his emotions. And the worst part was that it made Allen hate himself more than anything else. He couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong, but he could tell that he'd hurt Lavi pretty deeply. That was the only explanation he could come up with for such bitter behavior.
His eyes stung with tears he refused to allow to be shed. He wanted so badly to do one of four things: throw himself at Lavi and beg his forgiveness; shout bitter invectives at Lavi and slap him silly; scream until his lungs hurt so much they couldn't sustain a note of sound anymore; or curl up in a fetal position and just sob until he was out of energy.
None of those options was desirable, nor were any of them particularly plausible at the moment. Thus, Allen hung his head and tried to shut his thoughts down, to quarantine the anguish until he could deal with it.
Miranda and Krory were maintaining a lively conversation observing their surroundings. The tone of their voices indicated quite clearly that they were both uncomfortable with the frosty silence that existed between Allen and Lavi at this time (they were quite used to Kanda's anti-social nature, so his silence didn't bother them).
Kanda halted abruptly, his eyes trained on a crack in the concrete of the building nearby. Just beyond was a dilapidated statue of no particular merit. "Stop skulking around," the surly Exorcist growled.
"Tch, who's skulking?" The deep voice snickered coldly. Allen went rigid with astonishment and dread. He knew that voice far too well.
One of the four active gensui, Cross Marian, stepped out of the shadows, materializing as if from thin air. "You lot took your sweet time getting here. I guess I should have expected no more than this from my baka-deshi."
Allen felt his cheeks flame. This was the one person in the world he didn't want to encounter with his entire emotional state resembling a giant maelstrom.
Cross-gensui pulled the cigarette from his mouth and blew out the smoke indolently. Then with the barest of gestures, he flicked the cigarette aside. As if that gesture were the key, the stone wall next to him shimmered to reveal a simple-looking building. "Well, don't just stand there, gawking. Go in. It's about damned time you idiots showed up, too. I've had to cool my heels here long enough."
Allen looked up and realized that what he'd mistaken for a statue was in fact Maria; her Magdala Curtain had been swaddling the new hideout all this time. Now that they were within the Curtain, they could see that Maria stood just behind what looked like the entrance to a bunker.
What the... so then why did Komui-san send us an image of the place, if Maria's guarding it with an illusion? Of course, Allen had to concede that he hadn't see the projection image, so he didn't even know what they'd been looking for.
"Well, this explains why the image was of something so unusual," Krory reasoned. "I was rather concerned as well that we were looking for a statue."
Cross held his hand out in Allen's direction. "Timcanpy." The command was succinct and brooked no rebellion. The golem lifted off of Allen's head and obediently settled itself in its creator's hand. Cross brought his other hand up, which cupped a bronze copy of the little golem. He stood there motionlessly for several minutes while Allen's companions gathered near the "bunker."
Then Cross tossed Timcanpy into the air. The golden golem fluttered over and settled on top of Maria.
"I'm going to be taking my leave of you brats," the gensui stated. "However, I'm leaving Maria here; Timcanpy will allow me to have a direct connection to her no matter where I am. This way she will keep this place shielded. Maria's maximum radius at present is ten meters. So if you venture out from the hideout, I wouldn't advise going more than ten meters from her, if you value your life." He smirked mirthlessly.
He pocketed the bronze golem and turned on his heel. Adopting a leisurely swagger, he strolled away from them, flipping them a lazy wave as he did. "Don't fuck this up, baka-deshi."
As he stepped beyond the boundary of Maria's Curtain, he melted back into the shadows of the surrounding buildings.
"LENALEEEEEEE!!" The familiar voice bellowed from the entrance to the "bunker" as Komui Lee came barreling out. He swept his sister up in his arms, swinging her around joyously, forcing the others to step back to give them room. "I was so worried when you guys didn't show up when you were scheduled to!"
"I missed you too, Nii-san," Lenalee hugged him in return. "And I'm glad you're safe. I was worried about you at first when I heard about the collapse in the Order building."
"Most of us made it out safely." Komui's right-hand man Reever Wenhamm (technically the Science Department team project leader, but he also acted as Komui's better half in many occasions, keeping the Supervisor from completely fouling up his management duties) stepped out of the entrance. "Everyone's been split across the worldwide network. Most of the Science Department was sent over to the Asia branch, because they have the best overall protection with their guardian. Of course, my team had to come here with Shitsuchou, since he's worthless without us." The scientist grinned at Komui, who stuck his tongue out in retaliation.
"That reminds me," Komui added as he slapped Allen and Lavi each on the shoulder in exuberant greeting. "I have a surprise for you, Allen-kun. Come along." He grasped Allen's arm and dragged him eagerly down the steps into the hideout. The rest of the group followed.
"An underground fortress?" Miranda looked around as they descended.
"This place used to be a winery," Reever said. "This was the cellar where they let the wines age. The winery shut down when the vineyard became fallow and its business moved to another town. Rumor has it that Napoleon had something to do with the vineyards going fallow. Thus, this place has been deserted for a while. It didn't take much effort to turn this into a new temporary headquarters. It's far enough underground that we can't be detected by Akuma, and as far as we know, none of the Noah can find us as long as Maria's got the Magdala Curtain going."
"Here we are!" Komui said happily, pushing open a door. "Allen-kun, I've been waiting to show you this. Oh Jer-r-r-ry! Look who's finally here!"
"Allen Walker-kun!" Jerry, the boisterous chef of the Black Order, yodeled happily upon seeing the group enter the dining hall. "I've been making your favorites!"
"Jerry-san!" Allen gaped in astonishment; he hadn't realized that the chef had followed Komui out here. He'd thought Jerry had been transferred to the Asian branch. Jerry was easily the best chef Allen had ever encountered.
Jerry grinned. "I've got a nice big roast on the cooker right now, it'll be done in about half an hour, if you can wait that long."
Komui herded the group down another corridor. "Our living quarters are kind of cramped, so we all have to share rooms. We've managed to fit two beds per room. I'll show each of you to your rooms. Um," he paused a second. "Where is the Bookman?"
"He made an emergency trip to Turino," Lavi said. "He got word that another of the clan needed his help with something. I wanted to go with him, but he wouldn't let me. Said I was needed here."
"Shitsuchou, that information doesn't change things a bit, really," Reever added.
"Naah, true." Komui straightened up. "Okay you guys, here are your rooming assignments. We don't have much space, so we've arranged everyone in a manner that we hope to be most beneficial. Lenalee will of course be rooming with me, since I don't trust any of you idiots to be able to watch over her every move like I can."
"Nii-san!" Lenalee planted her hands to her hips. "That's not nice at all!"
Komui ignored her. "Kanda, you will be rooming with Noise Marie. He's currently out patrolling. Your room is over there. The number on it is 51."
Kanda pushed forward with only a curt nod, heading for the room.
"Krory, you will be rooming with the Bookman. The room number is 64, it's over that way, on the left. I trust one of you to inform Bookman when he gets back of this. Miranda, your roommate is a brand-new Exorcist that Cloud-gensui just found. Her name is Catherine. Your room is number 86, up that corridor and on the right."
Allen felt the blood draining from his face as his companions were assigned away.
"Allen-kun and Lavi, I'm assigning you two together. Your room is 117. That's the next floor down, and it's right down the hall from mine and Lenalee's."
Lavi blanched as well; "Er... okay..."
Allen coughed; "Komui-san..."
"Nii-san, that's probably not very wise," Lenalee said uncomfortably.
"Nonsense!" Komui said brightly. "Lavi and Allen-kun have been the best of friends for some time now."
"That's kind of the problem, Nii-san," she muttered.
Komui stared at her, uncomprehending. Even Reever looked confused.
Lavi cleared his throat. "Want to switch with me, Kro-chan? I'll stay with Panda-jiiji. He can be tiresome, but I'm used to him."
Krory started to say that that was fine with him, but Komui glared at them. "What's the big idea?"
"It's fine, Komui-san," Allen said hastily. "I'm sure Lavi doesn't mind either. Right Lavi?"
Lavi ignored him. "You know, Supervisor, I really don't mind switching. I kind of hate to inflict Panda-jiiji on anyone, even Kro-chan."
"I said that it's fine," Allen said loudly, glaring at Lavi. "There's no need to change things now. Krory, there's no need for you to switch either." He was determined not to let this arrangement get split up; it was likely he wouldn't have many chances to corner Lavi in private otherwise.
"Uhh," the baron almost stuttered. "All right. If that is what you want."
The group moved off in their room directions. Miranda greeted her new roommate, a shy French young woman who had been chosen by a piece of Innocence carried by Cloud Nine, the only female among the gensui. To Allen's intense frustration, Lavi did his usual routine upon seeing a pretty woman, maintaining a star-struck look and enthusiastically saying "STRIKE!"
Catherine was barely out of her teens, and had well-tanned skin -- a sign of her meager origins; she had old calluses on her hands, also a sign of her humble birth -- and a mess of light brown curls. She wasn't as pretty as some of the women they'd come across in their travels, but she seemed extraordinarily nice and sweet. Nevertheless, Allen was rather disposed to not like her very well, not with Lavi practically fawning over her.
Two days ago, you said that you loved me, could think only of me, Allen seethed inwardly, unsure of whether he wanted to hit Lavi over the head or kick him in a sensitive place. So why are you acting like she's the greatest thing you've ever met?
He noted out of the corner of his eye that the others looked equally mystified, except of course for Komui and Reever, who were unaware of the dramatic change in relations between Allen and Lavi.
"Somehow, Lavi, I don't think she's your type," Lenalee said mildly. "Besides, you've never said that to me, which makes me feel kind of weird, you know."
Lavi waved his hand dismissively; "You're far too cute, Lenalee. Besides, who'd want to risk the wrath of Komui and the various Komurin incarnations?"
"Lavi," Krory said hesitantly; "I think that maybe..."
Miranda, uncharacteristically annoyed and aggressive, stepped in and slapped Lavi across the face. "Lavi-san! Stop flirting with my new roommate! I will not let you string her along with your worthless charms! Is there not someone else you love more than this? Someone who would be mortified to see you behaving in so fickle a manner? Is love so cheap to you, that you dare to mock it in front of others whose beloved are dead?!"
Krory was the first one to break the paralysis caused by such an unexpected sight; he clasped a hand firmly on Miranda's shoulder; "If you are talking about me, Miranda-san, you do not need to bother. I am well aware of Lavi's behavior by now."
Catherine neatly side-stepped Lavi and smiled nervously. "I appreciate your attentions, Lavi-san, but I am promised to another."
"Aww, damn!" Lavi gave her his most winning grin. "Well, if you ever change your mind, let me know; you're totally my type, never mind what Lenalee says!"
Allen lost it at that point. His internal hurt, frustration and rage consumed him temporarily He normally prided himself on keeping his anger in check and not letting it show -- something he'd been grateful for in the years he'd been Cross Marian's whipping boy student -- so for him to explode like this was rather unusual. But then again, this entire day was absolutely surreal as it was.
He advanced on Lavi and grabbed fistfuls of the bright red hair, yanking him back; "I'm going to kill you, Lavi!" He growled savagely.
Komui smoothly intervened, prying them apart. "What's with this? Allen-kun, what's the matter with you?"
Apparently Allen's outburst did the trick though, because the next thing he knew, he was slammed against a wall, with Odzuchi Kodzuchi in his face, pressing him against the wall. Lavi's eye flashed malevolently. "You've got some fucking nerve, Allen. You push me away, and then you criticize me?"
"Who's pushing who away? You're the one ignoring me!"
"I'm not ignoring you, you asshole, I'm giving you the space you said you need!"
Lenalee restrained her brother when Komui moved to try and separate them again; "Leave them alone, Nii-san. This has been building up for two days."
Allen invoked his Innocence, using his arm to push the hammer aside. "Lavi, you've been nothing but an asshole to me for the past day and a half."
"Why don't the two of you save this for when you're alone in your room? Apparently you have some sort of argument to settle, and the hallway isn't a good place for it." Reever spoke in a soft, soothing tone. It apparently worked, because both Exorcists calmed down, though they still glared at each other.
Krory and Miranda departed over to their respective rooms. Komui led Allen, Lavi and Lenalee down a flight of stairs to another corridor. There they stopped in front of a slightly larger room. "This is your room, Allen-kun. Lenalee is staying in mine, which is room 135, that way."
Reever pushed the door open and motioned the two in. Allen hesitated, but the look on the scientists' faces brooked little argument.
The room looked like a cell more than a bedroom. There were two beds, yes, but they were more akin to bunks in military barracks. There was a spartan dresser on the far wall, and a small desk that held a couple of candles. A naked lighbulb was suspended from the ceiling. There was no decor to speak of.
Lavi sat down on one of the beds and pulled his headband down from his hair, letting it settle against his collarbone. He heaved a sigh as his mess of red hair tumbled down and covered his forehead, falling down across his eyes as well. Allen shrugged out of his greatcoat as he set his suitcase down. Reever closed the door, effectively shutting them in. Allen overheard someone -- he wasn't sure if it was Reever or Komui -- say that they should just lock the door until "those two" sorted out their differences.
"We need to talk, Lavi. Don't ignore me on this." Allen said as he put a hand to the door, not sure he wanted to face Lavi at the moment.
"I've been giving you the space you said you needed," Lavi said flatly. "And now you're angry with me for it? What the hell, Allen? You've never been so unreasonable."
"I didn't say I needed space, Lavi, I said I needed time!" Allen was dismayed when his voice broke in half. Lavi affected his emotions in ways he didn't understand, in ways that appalled him.
"Time, space, what the hell's the difference? If I had continued on as I wanted, who's to say I wouldn't have influenced your decision? I didn't want to be an unwelcome influence! This is your decision, Allen, and I want no part in it. You need to come to it on your own, so that you can't blame me for it in the long run."
"You don't have to flirt with girls to prove your point," Allen muttered, stunned and hurt, and at a loss for words.
"What the hell? That was just... Allen, did you take me seriously? Did you really think I meant any of that?"
"Do you have any idea how much pain I felt when I saw you flirting with that girl?" Allen nearly shouted.
"Do you have any idea how much pain I've been in since the whole fiasco broke?" Lavi retorted loudly. "No, you don't, and therefore I don't care how much pain my flirting gave you! I was not serious, and I can guarantee you that that girl knew I wasn't!"
Allen's jaw unhinged and fell open. You don't care? The statement was so outrageously out of character for Lavi that Allen couldn't believe his own ears.
For a brief moment, Lavi's face morphed into a rather comical expression of horror as he realized what he'd said. He shook his head violently; "I didn't mean it that way, Allen. I do care, I am human and have a heart, for crying out loud. But dammit, I can't go pinning my hopes on you." He stood up and advanced swiftly across the floor, planting his hands against the door on either side of Allen, effectively pinning him in place. "I'm not a saint, Allen. Nor am I a philosopher. I can't exist solely on an abstract concept, no matter how much I'd like to think I can. Even Panda-jiiji wasn't immune to love and affection in his day. I'm just a normal person at heart, and I can't bear to think of what will happen if this all falls through. Can you seriously blame me for trying to avoid it or escape it?"
Lavi pushed off the door and stepped back, raking his hands through his hair. "You're like a sweet poison, Allen. You're ruining me, and I can't get enough of you. I want with all my heart not to love you, but that's simply not possible."
Allen closed his eyes to compose himself. "Lavi, exactly how did you expect me to interpret your actions? A matter of hours after you told me how you felt, you started growing cold and distant. You started to ignore me. Yes, you did," Allen added when he heard Lavi suck in a breath to refute that. "Don't argue with me on this. You were ignoring me in action, if not in thought. You refused to look at me, or even to talk to me, except to make a snide comment. You were almost avoiding me. That's completely unlike you. You've never been so distant with anyone. And don't think I was the only one who noticed either! You made me wonder what the hell I did to upset you so much. I'm kind of surprised Bookman didn't try to turn me into a pincushion! Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not quite sure I understand why Bookman seemed unsurprised by the whole damned thing in the first place. I know you bookmen are observant and all..."
Lavi scoffed; "I'm a better actor than that, if you think he simply saw through me all the way." He fell silent a moment and looked Allen in the eye. After a moment, he accurately read Allen's unasked question. "Jiiji practically raised me, Allen. I don't have any family; I don't even have a past, per se. That old panda pretty much is my family. You know what that's like, right? Of course you do. So if there's anyone who can tell in an instant that something's bothering me, it's him. When we thought you were dead, he kept me focused. I won't say he's on the same level as Cross-gensui, because he's not that dishonest, but he's a hard taskmaster. I know he cares about me, but he also wants me to succeed him, and at my current level, I can't. I'm still too attached to the people I'm recording. At this rate, I don't think I'll be able to cast 'Lavi' aside anymore."
Allen blinked. "What do you mean, cast 'Lavi' aside? You are Lavi... aren't you?" For a moment his heart stopped. There was a Noah that had the ability to shapeshift into anyone at will. Then Allen's senses returned as he remembered that Lavi had only a matter of ten or twenty minutes earlier activated his Innocence and used it to pin Allen to the wall. And it had been genuine Innocence, not a counterfeit. A Noah couldn't use Innocence, no matter how hard they might try to fake it.
"I am Lavi, yes, but 'Lavi' is not who I am."
"Huh?"
Lavi sank to the floor as though his legs couldn't support him anymore. "Right, then, since I'm already talking so much, I'll tell you a little story, Allen. So listen closely. This isn't a 'once upon a time' kind of story." He pointed to the floor in front of him, and stared meaningfully at Allen. After a moment, Allen got the hint and took a seat on the floor where Lavi had gestured. The light falling from the single bulb overhead threw Lavi's eye into shadows cast by his hair, making it look like he was blindfolded as he spoke.
"The clan known collectively as 'bookmen' is a reclusive, self-contained pseudo-family. In order to be brought into the fold, you must cast aside everything. Your name. Your family. Your past. Your future. Nothing exists but the 'books' we record. Ever heard of the term 'tabula rasa'?"
Allen shook his head.
"It means 'clean slate.' That's what you have to do to be a bookman. You have to wipe your 'tablet' completely clean. You are not an individual person, you are a recorder. Nothing more, nothing less. You have no name, no past, no present, no future, no identity. You are a bookman. That is all that you need to be. You soon learn to forget that you ever had an identity beyond that to begin with. And that is merely step one. Step two is harder still." He paused a moment. "To be successful, you have to have a photographic memory; I trained my brain to memorize things instantly. Jiiji took me under his tutelage; I presume he saw in me the qualities he desired of his successor. In any case, he took me into his counsel and taught me just about everything I know.
"Jiiji bears the title of Bookman, meaning he is the one who does the most recording. Because he has the title, he needs no persona. The rest of us, however, need some form of name and persona in order to operate, so as not to confuse others. We generally don't keep any name for very long, because getting too attached to the persona can be dangerous and detrimental. One of the hardest things to do is to learn to adopt a persona and then to abandon it just as quickly. I myself have gone through the persona process forty-eight times fully. The first time is hard; it doesn't get any easier on the forty-eighth.
"I'm sure you understand where I'm going with this. My name isn't really 'Lavi' -- that's the name I go by right now."
"I know that. You've said before that you use an alias."
"Well, it's not that simple. Because we use something a little more than an alias. We use a persona. An entire personality, complete with name. 'Lavi' isn't just a name -- it's a persona. What you've seen of me, that you say is 'me' -- that's 'Lavi.' That's the persona I adopted."
"So then who are you really?"
"I'm a bookman. That's all. And I'll eventually go back to being one, if I can cast off the mantle of 'Lavi' successfully."
Allen felt his stomach drop. "So then what's the point of loving someone, if you're going to throw it all away?"
"That's just it, I don't think I can. Didn't I just say that I don't think I can cast 'Lavi' aside? And in order for me to cast 'Lavi' aside, I have to abandon this too." He pulled his hammer from its holster. "It's pure dumb luck -- or chance, if you want to be optimistic about it -- that I resonate and synchronize with this piece of Innocence. Bookmen aren't supposed to be able to use Innocence. We're on the Black Order's side 'by chance' as Jiiji says it. Simply because the Earl would never work with us, and seeks to erase us."
Allen stood up, unable to sit still now. "If this is true, then you're taking my decision out of my hands, aren't you?"
"I don't think I can go back to being a bookman, Allen," Lavi said morosely. "I don't know that I can give up what I've gained. And what I've gained is a family, of a sort. You and Lenalee, you aren't the only ones who think of all Exorcists -- or even all members of the Order -- as part of your family. Jiiji warned me and warned me about getting too attached to people in the order, but... I don't know that I can forsake you all anymore. The concept of nakama is a powerful one, but it is nothing next to the actual feelings of having nakama. I don't know that I can fully disconnect myself from it anymore. It would leave too great a hole."
Lavi stood up as well, and approached Allen slowly. "Humans are gregarious creatures. We aren't meant to be loners. Having discovered how good it feels to love and be loved, it's almost impossible to throw that aside. Why else does Krory fight so vigorously? Or Miranda? They both understand what it is to be completely alone. You do too, don't you, Allen? And Lenalee does too. Even Yuu knows how that feels. We all know that sadness. It's through that sorrow that we can connect and strengthen ourselves and each other."
Allen blinked very slowly, gathering his thoughts. It was becoming clear to him what his answer was going to be, at least for now. Whether this was going to last any length of time, he didn't know, but his affections for this multifaceted redheaded idiot reached deeper and deeper the further he looked.
Lavi put a hand to Allen's cheek. "I love you, Allen. In ways I can't even begin to fathom, let alone describe, I absolutely adore you. I have admired you for a very long time, perhaps from the beginning. Thinking you were dead was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. And what made it all the harder was to have to be strong because Lenalee fell apart. I wanted nothing more than to cry as she did. But one of us had to be strong. When we met up with that freakish Noah in Edo, I wanted nothing in the world so much as to beat the ever-loving shit out of him."
"Freakish Noah," Allen chuckled. "They're all freakish."
"You know what I mean."
"Yes, I know what you mean. And as you saw, Tyki Mikk was no pushover. It took Shishou intervening to finally lay him low."
"I still can't get over how casually you just appeared in the middle of that fight. Like nothing had happened in the interim."
"Hey now, I had been fighting the Earl, and he suddenly disappeared on me. I was a little preoccupied."
They were both interrupted by the rumbling of Allen's digestive system announcing its empty state and demanding rectification of said state. Allen was rather sorry that his body had chosen so inopportune a time to get obnoxious, since it seemed like he and Lavi were in the midst of a peacefully intimate moment. Lavi shook his head in weary acceptance.
"I keep forgetting that bottomless pit there," he said as he reached for the door. "We'd better get you fed, or you'll never be able to pay attention. We still have more to talk about, I think."
The makeshift cafeteria was crowding up quickly when they got there. Miranda spotted them and waved them over. She and Krory were sitting at a moderate-sized table with the new Exorcist, Catherine. Kanda was off by himself, eating his standard meal of soba. Nearby him -- not close enough to say he was actually eating with him, but close enough to be almost companionable -- was his teammate Noise Marie, serenely partaking of the roast that Jerry had been going on about.
As Allen and Lavi drew near the table that their nakama were seated at, Lenalee appeared carrying a tray. "Oh! Allen-kun! Lavi!"
"His stomach was so loud I couldn't hear myself think," Lavi said easily. Allen envied his ability to adjust to a situation.
"Did you get things worked out a bit?" Krory inquired innocently.
"Yeah, we smacked each other around a bit. A good punch to the stomach will do wonders to put an end to an argument."
"So will a kick to the groin," Allen retorted.
"Hey now, that's way below the belt!"
"Not that far," Catherine muttered, and then turned red when that drew attention to her.
"I'm going to go order now," Allen said, gesturing for the others to not wait for him.
Lavi swiped a bite off Krory's plate, to the baron's annoyance. Miranda laughed and offered both of them some off her plate.
By the time Allen got back, loaded down with as much as he could physically carry (and Jerry had another kitchen worker following Allen with more plates of food), Lavi had already gone and fetched himself a tray of food and was happily munching away, trading verbal jabs with Lenalee and Catherine. The new Exorcist proved to be quite a witty one once she got over her initial shyness. (And now that Allen could see that there was no actual flirting going on between Lavi and her, he was more disposed to like her.) She even unfolded enough to make fun of Lavi's unruly red hair.
Catherine wasn't able to invoke her Innocence yet, from what Allen could tell from listening to the others talk. Her Innocence was still very raw and hadn't yet been forged into a weapon, nor did she have very high synchronization with it yet. The forgers were working on it right now, as it happened. Once she got it into a weapon and learned to activate it, Cloud-gensui would return to collect her, taking her new student with her on her travels so that she could teach her the ropes.
Allen set down his armload and pulled up a chair. Lavi, eyeing the assortment, made a gagging noise and mimed choking.
"It's good to have you back to normal, Lavi," Lenalee said with a smile. "I was starting to worry there."
"Agreed," Miranda said. "Melancholia doesn't become you very well."
"Hmph," Krory snorted good-naturedly. "Red-haired brat."
"Aww, don't be mad at me, Kro-chan."
"Who said I was mad? You're just a brat."
"Um, Walker-san?" Catherine eyed the sea of plates as Allen prepared to tuck in.
"Allen," Allen said with a wave of his hand. "Just call me Allen."
"Okay, er, Allen... are you... are you really going to eat all that?"
"Of course," Allen grinned. "Itadakimasu!"
"Where..." She leaned over and glanced under the table. "Where are you putting it all? You've no meat on you!"
Allen froze with the utensils halfway to his mouth. "Huh?"
"He probably stores it in that creepy left arm," Lavi said. "Allen's always had an appetite bigger than all of us combined. Even Kro-chan doesn't eat like Allen does!"
"Krory gets to replenish his energy when he fights Akuma; I don't get that luxury," Allen retorted. "And since when is my arm creepy? It's always been weird."
"The noisy joints aren't normal, you know!"
Shaking his head in defeat -- he didn't feel like arguing about something that Lavi was determined to make a joke out of -- Allen plowed through several courses in rapid succession.
"Unbelievable," Catherine said after watching him. "How on earth can you eat so much?"
"He's a parasitic-type," Lenalee explained. "I'm not sure how much Cloud-gensui explained to you about the two types of Innocence conformers, but Allen-kun's form is much rarer. Right now in the Order, we only have two parasitic types. They have to eat a lot more than equipment types because of the strain on their bodies."
"Does the other parasitic type eat as much as Allen?"
"Not exactly, no," Krory said benignly. "But only because my form is completely different."
"Uh oh," Lenalee interrupted. Her eyes were focused on the door.
"What?" Allen twisted around, following her eyes. Komui could be seen threading through the room, his face set in a grave expression.
"Komui-san?" Allen frowned. "What's wrong?"
"Two reports of possible Innocence. One in Berlin, the other in Sicily. Miranda, Krory, I'm assigning you both to go to Berlin and recover that piece. Kanda and Marie, you two will go to Sicily. Lavi, you're going to have to take over patrols until one of them gets back."
"Hey wait a minute!" Allen protested. "What about me? I can fight too, you know!"
"You, Allen-kun, are the closest thing we have to a gensui in the vicinity, so you're going to help Catherine attempt to synchronize with her Innocence. Not tonight, since the weapon's not finished yet; starting tomorrow, you'll be helping her learn to invoke it. The faster she synchronizes to a useable level, the sooner Cloud-gensui can start training her."
Allen blinked. "Why me? Why can't Cloud-gensui come and do it herself?"
"Cloud-gensui has her own orders, you know. And besides all that, you and Lenalee are specific targets of the enemy, so you're both staying here."
Kanda and Marie both stood up wordlessly and faced Komui expectantly. Miranda sighed as she set her utensils down. "I guess we should get going too, Krory-san."
Krory nodded in mute agreement and stood up.
"Ah, bugger," Lavi grumbled. "I suppose you want me to start now, Supervisor."
"Yes," Komui said, "as soon as possible. A patrol around the perimeter of the town, once every four to six hours. You're a light sleeper and you can wake yourself up at an appointed time. Unless you want to go with Kanda to Sicily?"
"I'll do the patrols, it's not a problem." Lavi waved a hand irritably. "I gotta go grab my coat from my room. Oi, Marie, how long do these circuits usually take you?"
"About three quarters of an hour. It may take you longer, though, because you lack my hearing."
"Right, duly noted." Lavi stood up and pulled his hair-band up around his forehead, sweeping the waving mass of red hair back. "Too bad I don't have Allen's left eye. That'd come in mighty handy for spotting Akuma."
"Akuma aren't your only concern, dumbass," Kanda snarled. "Beansprout is powerless against the Noah."
Allen bit down hard on a retort to that. It was pointless to argue with Kanda on this. His heart skipped a beat at the thought of Lavi being sent out to do patrols in this dangerous territory -- Cross-gensui had said not to venture more than ten meters away from Maria if one valued one's life -- by himself. It wasn't just because Lavi was part of his nakama either. Marie had been doing patrols for some time, and Kanda would have been assigned them as well, if not for this new assignment. Allen didn't have to worry about either of Tiedoll-gensui's two successful students. And he wasn't terribly worried about Miranda and Krory going to Berlin in search of Innocence either. His concern was Lavi.
In his head, he knew that he shouldn't worry. Lavi was a very skilled Exorcist who had a real knack for surviving. And he wouldn't be far from the base; he'd be equipped with a wireless golem so that if he encountered trouble, he could call for help and help would be there immediately.
That wasn't the point. The point was, Allen didn't want Lavi to go out into potential danger at all anymore.
Exactly when this had been born in his heart, he didn't know, but he knew he had to face up to it now: he was in love.
He stood up, his meal now forgotten (though he'd eaten most of it anyway) and came to Lavi's side before the redhead could go far. "Wait, Lavi."
"I can't put this off, Allen. It needs doing." Lavi paused a moment and lowered his voice. "Take this time to think. You said you need time."
"I don't need time anymore, Lavi," Allen said desperately.
Lavi prudently interpreted what Allen was going to say and companionably slung an arm around his shoulders, clapping his hand over Allen's mouth as he did so. "Right, right, we'll talk later. You still owe me for that card game you flubbed."
Card game I flubbed? What in the world is he talking about?
Lavi dragged him out into the hall before he spoke again, and this time it was with a hard edge to his voice. He didn't let go of Allen as he spoke, and his long strides kept Allen off balance and unable to stop him.
"Don't be an idiot, Allen. Didn't Jiiji just tell us two days ago to be discreet?"
"Yeah but -- "
"And don't freak out over this assignment; it's just a routine patrol! I'll be done in an hour or less. Use the time to think over what I've said earlier. Don't jump to a decision just yet."
They had reached their room by now; Allen only then realized how close to the cafeteria Komui had placed them.
Lavi shoved his way into the room and snatched up his Exorcist coat and the short fingerless gloves he used to protect the palms of his hands from the occasional kickback of Innocence from his hammer (an unfortunate side effect of mediocre synchronization). As he pulled them on and tightened the straps on his boots, he glanced over to where Allen stood motionless by the other bed, looking for all the world like a lost little boy. It was easy to forget that Allen was still technically a kid, though he was mature far beyond his fifteen years.
"I'll be fine, Allen. Marie would've told me if there was anything weird. This is just routine." Lavi reached to put a hand on Allen's shoulder, but the younger Exorcist was faster.
He reached up, grabbed a fistful of Lavi's collar and pulled him close, planting a hard and desperate kiss to his lips.
Much as he wanted to stay, Lavi knew he had to break away now if he was going to get his work done. He pulled away; "You're not helping, you know. I'll be right back. I'm tougher than I look, you know. Just because I couldn't take down a Noah doesn't mean I can't do a patrol."
With that said, he disappeared. Allen sighed to himself and sank down onto the bed, deciding to keep a vigil. Even though he was extraordinarily tired -- they had had some pretty tough Akuma to fight first thing in the morning, and with the emotional rollercoaster he'd been on, filling his stomach with Jerry's delicious cooking had pretty much capped his energy. He was ready to just curl up and sleep.
He settled himself down on the bed, pulling out his deck of cards and proceeding to play a game of solitaire to keep his hands busy and his mind off Lavi's potential danger.
It was kind of strange that he had made his decision so suddenly, and yet had no qualms with it. If you're going to do something, see it through to the end. Lavi had said that on a couple of occasions, and if he thought about it, Mana had said something similar before. If it's worth doing, it's worth pursuing. Or something of that sort.
He didn't have to examine his heart now; he did love that crazy redhead. He was willing to see this through to whatever end it had. This resolution of his conflict and confusion left him terribly drowsy and desirous of sleep. But he refused to sleep until he knew Lavi was back, safe. So, he continued to play solitaire, the only card game he couldn't always win at.
He was so drowsy and lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear the footsteps approaching.
"For better or for worse, through our sorrows, to find our strength," he muttered tiredly to himself, just as the door opened. He looked up and blinked owlishly as Lavi stepped into the room, looking tired.
"What the hell was that rubbish you just said?" The redhead grinned. "That was pure drivel. What the hell? 'For better or worse, through our sorrows, to find our strength.' Did you come up with that wheel of cheese on your own?"
"Ah, shut up, you know where I got it from," Allen got up off the bed and came to Lavi, embracing him in relief.
"It sounded better coming out of my mouth than yours. Yours just sounded corny."
"Fine," Allen retorted. "I'll put my mouth -- and yours -- to better use!"
THE END
Author's after-word: Like "Lost Reason" before it, this story is a one-shot; however, I may be tempted into writing yet another sequel. This particular spin on the canon is ridiculously fun to play with, as are Lavi and Allen. There are a couple of scenarios I didn't get to that I'd wanted to try. So I may or may not be producing a sequel in the near future. It all hinges on if I can come up with a suitable plot to carry those scenarios.
Also, about the terms "shitsuchou" and "gensui" -- I can't imagine Reever saying anything but "Shitsuchou" which is why I have him saying it. And as for "gensui" -- I felt the term was better than General, because to me a General is a single commander of an army, not a high-ranking clergyman. Thus, I kept the word "gensui" instead of translating it.
EDIT 3-21-08: I was using the wrong word for the generals. The word is "gensui" not "gensai." I have fixed this.