A/N: Yes, I know none of this could ever happen in canon.... But if it actually made sense...well, where would be the fun in that? lol Hope you enjoy it!

It was a beautifully sunny spring day in the park; the trees were a lush green, and flowers bloomed all about the stone walkway where people strode by leisurely. Children laughed as they frolicked around in the grass, while their mothers looked on, smiling.

But something quite unusual was soon to come. Just entering the park was a short, stout little man with thin, graying hair and small beady eyes; he was pushing in front of him a tiny blue baby carriage. Now, this may not seem like such an abnormal occurrence, but it was what was in the carriage that made it so.

"Aww," crooned an older woman, approaching the carriage, "what a grotesque little baby-like form of a man! What's your name, little guy?"

"Wormtail, this woman is bothering me!" said the baby-like creature. "Lord Voldemort does not like to be bothered!"

"Y-yes, Master…," said the stout little man, now looking terrified. "Ma'am, could…could you please, um…refrain from bothering the Dark Lord?"

The woman looked shocked and confused at this statement, but decided it best to just back away rather than pursue the matter further. Wormtail continued to push the carriage down the pathway.

"Tell me again, Wormtail," said Voldemort, "why you thought it necessary to drag me to this accursed Muggle place?"

"I…I just thought you could do with some…er, fresh air. Y'know…get out a bit."

"Riiiiiiiiight…because I've only been wandering aimlessly through the forests of Albania, less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost, for…oh, about fourteen years now. Of course, now that I finally have something of a body back and a decent place of hiding, I need to 'get out a bit.'"

"…Point taken, My Lord. But after all you've been through…surely you must be quite stressed. Nothing like a peaceful stroll in the park to help you forget your problems, right?"

"HOW DARE YOU TELL ME, THE DARKEST OF LORDS, WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME? I THINK I KNOW WHAT—ooh, is that a butterfly? Catch it! Catch it for me, Wormtail! Quick! …Oh, blast, it flew away. I hate you, Wormtail!"

"Somebody's cranky…. Is it time to go nappy-bye?"

"But I'm not tiiiiiiirrrrrrrred…."

Wormtail chuckled. He had heard this statement quite often, and a nice, warm bottle of snake venom would put his Master to sleep every time….

As they strolled, Wormtail could hear the echoing sounds of children's laughter. There was a playground nearby. "Master, would you like to get out and play with the other kids?"

"No. The other kids suck!"

"Master…"

"I said I don't want to, Wormtail!"

"They have a slide…."

"Ooh, do they now? I wanna slide, Wormtail! Put me on the slide!"

"OK, My Lord, but it looks like those two kids want to have a go first. Why don't we let them—"

"NO! SLIDE NOW!"

"B-but—"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"OK, OK, fine!"

"Yay."

So Wormtail removed his master from the tiny carriage; the small, scaly, slimy creature that was Voldemort was now in his arms, wearing a pair of blue plaid shorts and a little blue shirt with a felt dump truck on the front. Wormtail shivered a little as he beheld him, then lifted him up to place him on the slide; Voldemort was giggling with anticipation. But when he finally reached the top of the slide…

"TOO HIGH! TOO HIGH! GET ME DOWN! I COMMAND YOU!"

Wormtail sighed. "Would you rather swing, then, Master?"

"Ooh, yes! Do push me, Wormtail!"

"All right, but remember—you cannot let go of the swing, OK? You'll fall off if you do."

"I know, I know, just push me already!"

The Dark Lord giggled excitedly as Wormtail pushed him back and forth, back and forth on the swing. "Higher!" he commanded, holding on tight. And then... "Holy crap, Wormtail, look! It's that butterfly aga--"

He fell to the ground with a thud; he had let go of the swing to point at the pretty butterfly.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Wormtail sighed; he had been afraid of this. Frantically reaching inside his giant man-purse, he pulled out a package of Band-Aids and rushed to his Master's side. "Are you OK, My Lord?"

"I…want…my…mommy.... Oh, right…dead."

"It's OK, Master, you just have one little scratch there. I'll just put a Band-Aid on it, and..."

"A Backyardigans Band-Aid?"

"Yes, My Lord...."

"Yay."

Wormtail took out a bandage and placed it on Voldemort's scratch; it wasn't even bleeding. "There you go...now run along and play."

Voldemort skipped away happily, ready to show off his pimpin' new Backyardigans Band-Aid to all the inferior Muggle children.

Wormtail sat down on a nearby park bench and sighed with relief, for he finally had a moment to himself.

"Such a cute age," said a middle-aged woman sitting next to them. "Mine is the one in the purple shirt. Are you here with your child?"

"That's him in the dump truck shirt, making a dirt pie."

The lady chuckled. "These are the moments to cherish, aren't they?"

Wormtail nodded. "Next thing you know they're grown-up killing machines, taking over the world with brute force and terror propaganda."

"Wormtail!" cried Voldemort suddenly. "That other little boy was mean to me!"

"Oh, Master, what happened?"

"He pushed me in the mud and called me a stupid-head poopy-face...."

"I'll go have a word with him."

"Oh, do kill him, Wormtail."

"We'll see."

"Aww...that always means no!"

"Little boy, could I have a word?" asked Wormtail. "It seems you have offended the Dark Lord. Now, first of all, I'm not going to hurt you unless—"

"Darn right you're not, you big ugly rat man!" said the bratty little boy.

"Now, really! I just want to talk—"

"Bite me!"

Wormtail took in a deep, cleansing breath. His fists were clenched. "Little boy, why don't you step behind this tree with me for a second so we can…talk."

"Fine." The boy walked away, and Wormtail followed, his wand at the ready to Avada the little twerp as soon as they were out of sight. And then...

Voldemort watched as Wormtail ran out from behind the tree, looking absolutely terrified. "Kid got the wand! Kid got the wand!" he was shouting. "Don't ask me how it happened, but the freakin' kid got my wand!" A flash of green light shot past. "We have to Apparate! Now!"

He grabbed his master and turned on the spot, and they were gone. A wide grin spread across the bratty child's face; he was going to have some real fun with this thing.