Elbows
By Nikki Little
Have you been here long? About a year. I see. So you don't know about the most recent events on your world. Other worlds? Oh, yes. There are other worlds, but let's not get into that right now. Do you have time for a story? Oh, you've got all of eternity. Well, yes, of course. I love to tell stories. In fact, I'm famous for telling stories. Would you like to hear a story about the Boss's favorite guardian angel? Oh, you would. Well, good. Shall we begin?
His name was Clarence, and he made quite a name for himself up here when he talked a banker out of killing himself by showing him what his town would have been had he never lived. Why am I using past tense in referring to Clarence? Well, that's the point of the story, and I'll get to it. When the banker saw how much good he had accomplished in his life, he found the will to live. For that, Clarence, who had a reputation as a bit of a bumbler, finally got his wings. He was now officially a guardian angel, and no longer an apprentice. The Boss almost cried with joy that day, for the Boss had a bit of a soft spot for Clarence, whom, he said, had the innocence of a small child. Clarence was quite unique as a guardian angel.
Anyway, one day not too long ago, a group of high-ranking guardian angels were discussing the problems of the world. They all had recommendations that could have been cribbed from speeches by the Pope. Everybody was focussing on the need to promote moral values. One angel, a new guy who was a bit of an eager beaver, suggested taking away all of men's high-tech weapons, but all of the other guardian angels just laughed at his naivete. "They'll just find other ways to kill each other. Sending such a message needs to be personal as well as symbolic. It's impossible to ignore a message that's personal." All this time, Clarence had been sitting there quietly, virtually unnoticed. No one was really sure what he was doing there as Clarence would never be invited to such a meeting. Maybe the Boss sent him. Clarence suggested that since selfishness was the major cause of all the world's problems, perhaps it would make sense to call attention to the selfishness of individuals according to their degree of guilt. "It's a society of elbows down there. The people with the biggest, sharpest elbows get the most and everyone else gets shoved aside or knocked down." Well, that caught everyone's attention. All the high-ranking guardian angels sneered at Clarence's simple-mindedness and made him feel like a fool, yet again. Well, the Boss, it turned out, was listening in, and got angry at how all the other angels belittled poor, innocent Clarence. The Boss wanted to hear Clarence's suggestion.
"I suggest that we give people elbows that match their degree of meanness. Not ordinary people, of course, who offend only occasionally. I'm talking about the worst. The people who spend their entire lives pushing and shoving and knocking people down so they can grab more for themselves. Let's give them elbows as big as their meanness. Let them drag their meanness about." Everyone stayed silent when Clarence had finished, for everyone knew that the Boss was listening. After a minute or so, the Boss spoke.
"Clarence, it's been thousands of years since the world saw one of my wonders. Go down below and make this happen. I have faith in you. It will be done." Clarence worked out the details with the Boss, and it was decided to give the pushers and shovers arms that swelled to the size, or in some cases the length, of their meanness.
So Clarence went to the world below and selected the world's worst offenders to receive arms matching their meanness. Politicians who pandered to peoples' bigotries, loud-mouthed pundits who spouted contempt for just about everyone who was poor or destitute, mob leaders who led assaults on the peaceful because they were different and thus, somehow, threatening, war-mongers who thumped their chests in moral superiority and bleated about patriotism and sacrifice, and, of course, ideologues who spouted puristic ideologies which served as convenient cover for institutionalized selfishness were all afflicted. Rush Limbaugh and George W. Bush were among the first afflicted. Their arms grew to the size of Blue Whale flippers, and completely immobilized them. Teams of surgeons armed with chain saws performed emergency amputations to free them from their afflictions. Robert Mugabe awoke from sleep with arms that stretched from the west border of Zimbabwe to the east border. The Mexican President, who had stolen his way into office, had arms that stretched out into the slums in and surrounding Mexico City where the angry poor splashed gasoline on his train-sized arms and set fire to them. Pundits George Will, Walter Williams, and Michael Reagan all awoke to the pain of big-city traffic running over their spindly arms which stretched for miles in both directions. Millionaires with ill-gotten gains the world over dragged their canoe-sized arms behind them as they struggled to get about. The cruel rulers of North Korea got their comeuppances, too, as their starving peoples chopped off their Blue Whale flippers and roasted them for dinner.
In the end, Clarence made his trip around the world and afflicted the richest, most powerful, and most arrogant. They all eventually had their arms amputated so that they were able to move about relatively normally again. "You see," said Clarence, "it's a lot tougher to push and shove and knock people down when you have no elbows -- or arms." Not all of the world's rich and arrogant awoke with grotesquely huge arms. Bill Gates awoke with a post-it note on his nose that said "Dear Bill: Give all your money to malaria research or watch your arms stretch all the way to Tokyo and Berlin." Bill gave away his entire fortune that morning. Maybe now he'll have to make something that works.
Clarence's stroke of genius didn't solve all of the world's problems, but it certainly made the world a much gentler place. Abject poverty disappeared nearly overnight as it became clear that the bounty of the Earth was sufficient to feed everyone if only it were not hoarded, withheld, fed to cattle to produce meat for the affluent, or sent to biofuel plants to be processed into fuel for vehicles instead of food for people. With an end to the worst forms of poverty, most of the world's civil wars ended, although the religious fanatics bent on imposing their "one true way" continued their slaughter. Violent crime fell dramatically around the world, and so-called "victimless crimes" dropped from the law books because the police, in fear for their arms, refused to enforce them. Most countries emptied their jails, and the genuinely dangerous were placed into insane asylums where they received treatment instead of punishment.
As the Boss observed the changes in the world, he was most pleased with Clarence and called him in. "I know that I made a mistake with you, Clarence. Your outer appearance does not match the soul within. I shall now correct my error." Clarence became Clarice who is a blond-haired little girl with chubby cheeks and a stuffed bunny rabbit which she carries everywhere with her. Clarice is our littlest guardian angel. As the Boss says, "Some problems are so big that they can only be solved by the wisdom of an untainted child."
The End
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This story is based on a character created in the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" by Frank Capra. Paramount owns the copyrights -- at least for now.