A/N: So I agree with most of you out there, Danny is an ass. And I'm not trying to fix that, but I thought he should know what he's done, and well, here's him realizing that.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Danny wouldn't have fucked up so bad if they were.
Nothing but the truth
I'm lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about what changed. We used to be so close, but ever since that little kid died... I feel a lump in my throat when I think of Ruben and quickly walk further along the line of my thoughts, passing images and fragments of dialogues.
"I can't do this, Danny..."
I feel my heart break all over again when I hear the words I repeated to myself so many nights afterwards. What has changed that I had to find my luck elsewhere? That I thought she wasn't enough, that I didn't need her...
"I would never expect you not to grieve. But clearly you decided to do it all on your own."
Not all by myself. I squint and push that thought away, too. Walking back to the past, I slowly relax and close my eyes. Past moments with her, us being carefree and flirting. We weren't together back then, but there was still this thing... This bond, that united us and stopped me from dating other women.
"Jazz music? That's me."
I smile lightly. Back then I could be sarcastic all I wanted, she would smile at me anyway. Most of the time that was my purpose. I loved to see her smile... I still do. But she doesn't smile at me that often anymore these days. And I can't say I blame her.
"I really should go."
What was wrong with me? She tried to break it off, tried to leave. Tried to tell me this was a mistake. She was right, of course.
"I just want this hurt to go away..."
This time my own voice sounds in my memory. The truest thing I've said that whole day. I still want the pain to go away. I still secretly hope that when I wake up the next morning everything turns out to be a bad dream. I still hope that Lindsay is lying beside me when I open my eyes, still asleep, her hair half covering her face, and that I can push her hair behind her ears and kiss her eyelids, then her mouth, until she twitches and wake up, and smiles at me, her eyes still half-closed, and that she kisses me and we make love, that I can make her breakfast, and she's only wearing my shirt from the night before... I had it all. I've lost it.
"Why don't you catch up by reading this?"
Somehow I think she knew. Her eyes were avoiding me, only looking at me when necessary. I didn't say anything. I couldn't look her in the eyes anyway.
"How long are you going to stay mad at me, Linds?"
No Montana. I didn't feel like I had the right to call her that anymore. It was our thing, and since I had betrayed 'us', it would be hypocritical to pretend nothing was wrong.
"Is this still about missing your birthday?"
I knew it wasn't about that. Missing her birthday wasn't real sweet, but I know Lindsay well enough to know she wouldn't be mad about that for too long.
"Do me a favor, Danny. Don't reduce my to some shallow, clingy girlfriend that's starting to suffocate you, okay?"
She was right. Of course she was right. I shouldn't have tried to blame it on her, to make it look like it was her fault that I was keeping her on a distance.
"Okay, I get it. My mistake for thinking that you might need somebody to lean on."
The moment the words left her lips I wanted to cry, to explain it all to her, to tell her I did need her, that I did need somebody to lean on and that the only person that could make the pain go away was her. But it was already too late then. I had slept with Rikki and couldn't erase that. Honestly, I didn't want to erase that. It had made the pain go away for a few moments.
"And you know, for the record, I'm not mad at you."
You should be, though, was my thought then.
"I'm mad at myself."
I saw she was telling the truth in her eyes.
"'Cause I've fallen in love with you..."
My heart broke again. If I got a dollar for every time my heart broke that day, I'd be rich.
"... And I have to figure out how to let that go."
What had I done? I had traded our relationship, if there ever was one, for a moment of not feeling the pain. It had felt like the right thing to do then, and I know I'd do it again if I had the chance to go back in time. A tear escapes my closed eye. This whole thing is just so fucked up. Life wasn't supposed to be like this. Life was supposed to be with her, and Ruben still alive, Rikki and I nothing more than neighbors. Life was supposed to be living together with Lindsay, getting married some day, maybe even having kids.
I fucked up.
I'm an asshole.
And I need to tell her.
I open my eyes, get out of bed and grab my coat. I close the door behind me and pray for the best.
I won't try to fix things, I won't try to talk it right. I'm just going to tell her the plain truth, and apologize. From the bottom of my heart.
Nothing but the truth.