Notes: I wrote this story because the HyuRoi fandom NEEDS moar lighthearted stories. I wrote this after reading so many damn OOC angsty wankfests where Hughes dumps Roy, says he never loved him, leaves him, hurts him, etc, and it's just plain STUPID! Hughes would never DUMP Roy and say he never loved him! Hughes wouldn't even BE WITH ROY unless he loved him, 'cuz that's not who Hughes IS, DAMMIT! ...Oops, sorry, rant. XX Anyways, this is a prank!fic, and I promise I won't disappoint with this one. D I wanted it to be as lighthearted as possible. Warning for cavities at the end, though. x3 Don't piss yourself laughing, either. One of my friends did...

Disclaimer: I admit, after all these disclaimers you've read, put up for no reason other than 'zomg the no disclaimer police might get me lolz', I admit that I actually OWN FMA. Yes, I do. That, and the Shaolin Temple. And the entire Disney cooperation. You don't want to know what else.

Hughes had a reputation for being a tricky bastard.

Not publicly, of course. If those working for him had any idea how he put his talents to use outside the military work, no one'd come within a ten meter radius of the guy. But Mustang and his followers knew all too well.

Maes Hughes seemed to be a never-ending fountain of embarrassing photos, stories, tidbits, and blackmail. He practically had a whole database. Enough to file under military record. All of Roy Mustang, his best friend, and, well… Fewer people knew about that than about Maes's liking for pink duckie pajamas.

That was one secret Roy knew his best friend would keep.

The fact that Maes caught him wanking on the job? Not so much.

The time Mustang was caught braiding the Fullmetal Alchemist's hair? Eastern command wouldn't talk about anything else for a week.

And the photos of Roy wearing an apron that read "KITCHEN BITCH" on it? There was always someone cackling about that one every goddamn day. Everyone in the damn country seemed to know all about it.

Roy, on the other hand, preferred to be the better man and not seek revenge on a man who damn well deserved it.

Or so they all thought.

Roy Mustang wasn't a terribly conceited fellow, nor was he a man of great pride. His tendencies to put himself last, to cast off thoughts of revenge and his determination to follow through with what really mattered in life made him a man suited to do great things. He could very well lead the country. He intended to.

But you give him time. It may take him a while, and it may take some thinking, but if you mess with Roy Mustang, he was going to have something to say about it. And the wise would watch their backs, because when Colonel Mustang had something to do, he would do it. And he'd inflict onto you every bit of humiliation and anguish you inflicted onto him.

And if you were Maes Hughes, you'd be scared. And since you knew just how much that was better than anybody… Hell, you'd be terrified.

--

"I'm telling you guys! You've just GOT to see these photos of Gracia and I's vacation to the North!"

"Jeez, Major, we've seen the damn things a million times…. Give it a rest."

It has been estimated by some that the air from all the wasted breath of someone telling the Major to shove it could provide enough oxygen to keep an entire herd of cattle going for a month.

It has been estimated by others that some are complete idiots, and that it'd be easier just to say that Hughes really needed to listen when people told him to shove it.

Either way, he wasn't going to.

Maes sighed sadly and pocketed his photos after his unlucky subordinate fled the room. The nerve of some people! They could use a little joy in their lives… Always prattling about with their head shoved into a raincloud like there was nothing more to life than gloom and doom.

Though, he had to admit, a lot of his fellow officers had their heads shoved in a pretty good place, compared to where some of the higher-ups' heads were shoved…

Of course they could use a little joy in their lives. What Hughes often failed to realize was that he was the one making them miserable in the first place.

He continued about his work. Making calls, filling out forms, slipping photos of his wife in with the paperwork… It was more than a little hectic today, and he was a bit uncomfortable working around so many people. Sighing, he reached up to open the supply cupboard.

It was something he did just about every day. He was always the first to be greeted by the familiar sight of pens, paper, and everything in between. Except today, office supplies was not what greeted him. What greeted him was, in no way, familiar.

It was, however, cherry flavored.

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

Everyone turned around to see Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes standing in front of the open cupboard with some red, flavored drink mixture streaming down his form. Humorously enough, the bucket itself had fallen down on his head, officially giving the king of the humiliated his crown.

And then, predictably enough, everyone commenced laughing their asses off in only the most obnoxious, genuine, and humiliating manner.

Hughes's first reaction was to cross his arms and sigh. He'd heard the new powder-based drinks were popular around Central and East City. All you did was whip up some powdered mix and some water and viola, instant drink,tasty and refreshing. He'd been itching to try some of the stuff, but this was not how he envisioned it happening. Whoever thought up this use for the stuff got points for creativity. Could've pulled the same classic prank with a bucket of water. Nope. Now he was soaked, smelled like sickly-sweet cherry crap and needed a shower.

And a method of getting his dignity back. Was that a camera flash he saw? Oh god…

By the time the jibes, laughing, and photographs stopped, Hughes was able to access the damage. It wasn't as bad as he'd thought… His uniform would need a quick washing, but that was about it. He could just have someone transmute it clean, right? He left on break as soon as he could, but not without every comment possible being hurled at him.

He was going to find the one responsible for this, and he was going to show them SO many pictures of his family… But first he needed Mustang to clean his uniform. And a shower.

His shower helped cool him down, if nothing else. It also gave him time to think. Who the hell would pull that kind of a prank on him? He immediately thought of Roy… But Roy was way too uptight for as silly a prank as that. Guy was all about serious business. Must've been one of his subordinates… Or Breda. The guy was known for his office pranks.

He stepped out and dried himself off. It was good to be clean… Looking around, he thought something was off…

Where the hell were his clothes?!

Oh, right, Mustang had them. He sighed at his forgetfulness and leaned back against the wall. Roy said he'd be back as soon as he could…

And then, predictably, there was a knock. Hughes cracked the door open, and, after confirming that it was his Roy, opened it and let him in.

"Maes, please, towel."

Hughes just grinned. "C'mon, I know you better than that. You love it."

Roy just about smacked his forehead. "Regardless, I don't need to see your naked ass - among other things. "

"But you want to!"

Sigh. "That may or may not be. Either way, this isn't exactly the place for fraternizing-"

"Ever done it in a military bathroom?"

Groan. Military supply closets were about as far as he'd ever go. …And only when Hughes practically jumped him. Or vice-versa. "Maes…"

"Jeez, all right, kidding! Lighten up." Hughes chuckled and quickly gave Roy a peck before realizing something…

"Uh, Roy? Where are my clothes?"

"I came to tell you I'd be a while – I left them down in a washroom on the other side by accident. Didn't want you worrying."

Hughes grinned. "Aww, that's sweet of you. Anyways, I won't be waiting here forever, will I?"

Roy smirked. "Nah. I'll head back down now."

With that, Roy leaned in and kissed his comrade - and it was a gesture well returned. I'll spare you the details and get on with the story.

Hughes smiled as he closed the door and reached down to pick up the towel. He tied it tightly around his waist and leaned back against the wall, waiting for Roy to get back. He didn't wait for long before there was a knock at the door.

'Way too soon to be Roy…'

"Who is it?" He called.

The responding voice was that of a female Private whose name escaped him at the moment. "You have a call, sir. It's urgent."

Damn it! He was going to have to step out there in a freaking towel in front of god knows how many people… If it was urgent, he sure as hell couldn't stall.

He stepped out, surprising the Private with his state of dress. Or lack of dress.

"Um… Sir?"

"Long story. Don't have clothes."

"Um… All right."

He weaved his way through his blue-suited comrades, all of whom immediately crumbled into laughter. He grit his teeth and glared at them, which only made them laugh harder.

"When'd you get that tattoo, Major?"

"Nice legs! You wax 'em better than my girlfriend!"

By the time he got to the phone, he was more than a little fed up. And whoever was calling was going to think the entire military was insane…

"Major Hughes speaking."

…Or maybe not.

"Got you," replied Colonel Mutang's cool tone.

It hit him then. The bucket, the clothes… DAMMIT! All a friggin' ploy by his best friend??

"GODAMMIT ROY!" He slammed the phone into the receiver. The entire room, now almost full of spectators wishing to see the ¾ naked Major for themselves, was laughing so hard, he thought the walls were starting to shake. Pretty soon the higher-ups would be coming to tell them all to shut up, get back to work, and put some pants on. And, if you were one of the many that seemed to have pissed themselves laughing, replace your pants.

Colonel Mustang slipped in quietly, his expression the most amused many had ever seen it.

He didn't even flinch as Hughes gave a glare every bit as piercing as one of his throwing knives.

"Well, looks like I got you good."

Upon looking at Hughes, the phrase If looks could kill… popped into the mind of many military personnel. But mostly, upon looking at Hughes, they simply laughed their asses off.

"Dammit Roy…"

"Aw, man!" Breda exclaimed loudly. "This is better than that time Roy wore that 'KITCHEN BITCH' apron!"

If it were possible, the laughing increased at the memory. Even the corner of Hughes's mouth twitched in what could have been a faint smile.

"What? This isn't about me, dammit!"

"Kitchen bitch," Hughes half-shouted at Roy.

But it was Roy who had the last laugh, because as Hughes turned around to storm up to Roy and interrogate him, his towel caught on the chair's armrest and as it fell to the floor, the entire room saw the Major's naked ass.

Among other things.

If the room was laughing before, it was roaring now, and Hughes realized with a loud, exasperated sigh that this was just not his day.

--

"I am still going to kill you," Hughes grumbled against the Colonel's neck.

Said Colonel merely smiled. The damage had been done. Death was a small price to pay for revenge of this caliber. He did well, although he had some higher being to thank for the last, and unintentional phase of his plan. He smiled and let himself fall into Maes's open arms and curled into his lap, amused at how little this action had to do with killing him.

"I admit, it was pretty good, though. Would've been dead funny if it weren't me," Hughes grumbled. Then he just sighed and kissed Roy's forehead. Hand-in-hand with his "best friend" and with him comfortably situated in his lap, it was easy to forget that he would never live this down. Or that he wouldn't be cuddling with Roy for too much longer before he killed him. Or… Hell. For the moment, what else mattered?

"Hey, you know I love you, right?" Roy said, looking, for the first time that day, a little uncomfortable. Hughes raised an eyebrow at the uncharacteristic question and then sighed before leaning down to give Roy a quick peck on the lips.

"Yes, and I love you too," he said with a smile, "kitchen bitch."

Roy had to laugh.

BWAHAHA!! :dies: …What? I thought it was funny. XP Anyways, if you enjoyed this fanfic… Or didn't enjoy it… Or whatever… Leave me a review! I REALLY like reviews. …And yes, Hughes waxes his legs. I might have a spin off dealing with the "Kitchen Bitch" apron. You know I got that from the 4th FMA novel? Hughes ACTUALLY spread a picture of Mustang in an apron (a normal one xD) around Eastern Command in that novel, and it went into how he's often a resource for embarrassing things about Mustang, so I didn't make that up. You should go read it; it's a hoot.