You know, it sucks when you think things are one way but they are actually not that way at all. I thought that me and Craig had this awesome relationship, that he totally got me. That he was committed to me. I mean, I knew he was having some problems saying certain things, like that he loved me. And I sort of thought it was due to his traumatic childhood, what with his mom dying and his dad being violent and all of that. But I sort of thought it might be that he just didn't love me. There was no law that said he had to love me, even if he was troubled.
But he, I mean that whole thing with Manny, God. I would never have done that to him, I would never have cheated on him. It didn't even occur to me to do something like that because he was all I wanted, all I needed. Obviously I wasn't the same for him. Obviously he needed more. Well, he got it.
If I'd been more observant I would have seen that he was doing some sneaking around, that he was acting weird. But I didn't see. In retrospect, yeah. He was acting weird. He was lying. But my eyes had been closed.
I wanted to be mad at Manny. She went after him like some Lolita. But I saw in her sad little eyes that she loved him, too. It wasn't Manny's fault. And I'm so mad at Craig and mad that the world isn't the way I thought it was. And I'm so devastated. It's warring with the anger.
Nothing makes it better. Not my sad little songs and not the stupid T.V. shows and not stuffing my face with ice cream and kit kat bars. Nothing makes it better. Not glaring at Craig as I pass him in the halls and not ignoring him. Nothing can take away one once of the hurt.
It was an illusion but I was happy with that illusion. Is the truth so much better? I've been writing him letters I'll never send, filled with all my pathetic aches and pains that he caused, the way I feel like my heart can't quite beat right anymore.
When Jeff's not around my mother says cryptic, comforting things about men. 'He's only 15, they don't get mature until…ever,' And I'll smile but she's serious. Men stay little boys somehow, in some ways. Emotionally. And emotionally what chance does Craig have? With all his baggage? And what match was I for that? Maybe we were just mismatched. Maybe he needs someone as troubled as he is.
I don't know. I just know that this sucks. That I really loved him and he really hurt me. That he lied to me and betrayed me and made me feel stupid and look foolish and that I want to kill him.
You know, you trust somebody, you open up to them. You think that they get it. Finally, someone who gets it. And then that person destroys you from the inside out. He was supposed to be someone who would protect me. He was supposed to be on my side. Well, he fucked it up. We were so good together, at least I thought so. What do I know?
On that stage, the winter holiday festival thing, it all came crashing down around me. It was like my whole world was a set, just a bunch of fake trees and cardboard houses and a painted sky. And everyone in my life were just actors, just reading lines and learning a part.