Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, unfortunately. Don't read if you don't like slash or could be easily triggered or upset by mention of self-harm. Please review :)

Sirius Black was the heartthrob of the school. Everybody loved him; the girls wanted him and the guys wanted to be him. Sirius Black was as close to perfect as anyone could ever hope for. His body was nice and toned, his smile was beautiful and effortless, and his eyes were grey and mysterious. He was quite popular and extremely likeable, but had a bit of a reputation for being a player. He could have any of the girls that he wanted, and he had had quite a few of them. However, they ended up hurt and he ended up feeling confused and alone, despite all of the girls chasing him.

It felt good to Sirius to be well liked and popular, because he was always the least favorite child in the family. For as long as he could remember, he had been neglected and on occasion even abused. When he had come home from Hogwarts after his first year, he found that his parents were even less fond of him than before, because of his place in Gryffindor house. He liked rubbing the fact that he was popular and happy in his parent's faces. It was his way of saying fuck you. The only problem was that Sirius wasn't really very happy. Sure, he had every girl he could possibly want at his fingertips, but he didn't actually want any of them. The one person he did want wasn't exactly an option. Because Sirius Black was in love with his best friend. No, not James. Remus. Sirius was in love with Remus. And he had sworn to never tell a soul. Because despite the confidence he hid behind, Sirius often felt like a kicked puppy. So he turned all of his suffering and all of his hurt into nonchalance and indifference. And usually, it worked. But sometimes, he needed to break down.

When Sirius, near tears, entered the bathroom in his dormitory, he found the last thing he had been expecting to find. He gasped and stared at his roommate openmouthed.

Remus Lupin was often overlooked because of his quiet and studious demeanor. Everyone liked him, of course, but he was never anybody's favorite. He was the one people went to when they needed help with homework, or when they needed someone to vent to. Because Remus was the one that was always there as the strong, unwavering presence. But he was never the first choice. Remus almost wished he could overlook himself as easily as his classmates could, but unfortunately, he was stuck with himself. And he had a lot of secrets, secrets that had fueled his self-loathing for years.

For one, Remus Lupin was a werewolf. Every month at the full moon, he turned into a beast. And it sucked. He was often left tired and injured, and despite all the help that Madam Pomfrey and the other school staff had given him, he never felt quite well. Even without all of the physical side effects, it was horrible. Remus hated himself for who he was. Of course, he couldn't help it; he had been bitten as a child. But still, he hated being different. He hated being a monster. He hated having to lose himself once a month. He was so grateful when his roommates and best friends, James, Sirius, and Peter had discovered his secret. At first, he had been worried beyond belief. Remus had thought they would stop caring for him, and that they would perhaps even request a new room. They had been completely accepting and supportive, however, and had even gone as far as to become Animagi so they could keep their friend company once a month. It was much more than he could have hoped for. The secret stilled weighed down on him, though.

As ashamed as he was for being a werewolf, Remus hated himself even more for another secret that was out of his control. Remus Lupin was bisexual- he liked girls and guys, although he preferred the latter. His parents, however, were not accepting of who he was. They still loved him, of course, but they had told him that he was just going through a phase. They set him up with a counselor meant to "remedy his behavior". They even went as far as to bring him into the church for their pastor to pray with him. What hurt the most was knowing that he had disappointed them. After that experience just before his sixth year at Hogwarts, Remus had decided not to let any of his friends know. After a while, he had started to wonder if his parents were right. Was he really born bisexual, or was it a decision? A flaw? A sin? Remus couldn't take not knowing for sure. He just hated feeling like there was something wrong with him.

As if being bisexual wasn't enough, Remus just had to fall for his best friend. His best friend, the player, the womanizer. Sirius had a new girlfriend every week, so Remus knew there was no way that Sirius would ever fall for him. But he couldn't help loving him. The thing about Remus, was that when he fell, he fell hard. He had only ever had one girlfriend, but he had dated her for over two years. When she had broken up with him, he hardly left his bed. He missed a week of classes, which was something he typically tried his hardest to avoid. He barely said anything to anyone for a month. He spiraled into the depression he had managed to avoid for so long. And he had restarted a habit he had given up when he was with his girlfriend. That had been towards the end of his fourth year. Now, in the beginning of his seventh year, Remus was still in the same place.

"Oh god," a voice said.

He looked up and found Sirius leaning against the wall, a shocked look on his face. Remus looked down at the mess he had made.

Well shit, he thought.

Remus had been caught, tears in eyes, blade in hand.