Title: "Angel's Sorrow"
Author: Pirate
Turner
Rating: R due to mature content
Summary: Only Angel
really knows how much of a coward he has become.
Warnings: Slash,
Het, Suicide Thoughts
Disclaimer: Spike, Angel, and Cordelia Chase
are © & TM their respective owners, not the author, and are used
without permission. Everything else is © & TM the author. The
author makes absolutely no profit off of this work of fan fiction,
and no copyright infringement is intended.
They said he was strong. They said he was one of the ultimate warriors throughout the world. They cheered him on through every physical battle and believed that he could save the world every time it faced apocalypse. But they didn't know.
They didn't know that he did not even possess the strength to do the one thing he should have done long ago when he lost the only woman he'd ever truly loved. They didn't know he was a coward, safely watching the sun he should embrace in the open from behind protective glass.
They didn't know he was a coward, too afraid to face himself and taking refuge in arms that he had no right to want to hold him. They didn't know he lived a lie, too afraid to let go of the past for fear that it would mean he loved her less and scared to death to embrace the love offered him for fear of what others would think.
They praised him for slaying monsters and saving the world, but they didn't know he didn't have the power to save himself. Spike saved him every night with his gentle caresses and loving touches, and when he lacked the courage to relish in them and truly live again, even if only for a few seconds, he beat him. None but the weakest stole what they perceived to be strength from beating those who loved them. Spike was the only one who still cared more about him than anything else, including his own self, and Angel repaid that love and trust by beating him.
He hung his head. Nothing could have shamed him more, even though he knew that when his growing feelings for Spike again caused him to feel as though he was making less of Cordelia's memory, he would start attacking him all over again. Alone in his office, he let his tears fall as he whispered words he believed his childe would never get to hear for he'd never be brave enough to tell him. "I love you, Spike. Thank you."
{Thank you for loving me, for comforting me, for putting up with me, for being there for me, for understanding, for loving me even if you'll never tell me so.} He cried his misery, his sorrow, his grief, and, most of all, his regret as another Angel looked down upon him in loving compassion and wept from her place in the Heavens.
The End