Do you think that I do not see you?
Your little fits of anger, your pits that you dig yourself in…I do see. The times you laugh and crack your jokes at lunch-, I do see. I am not blind…I am not forgetful... I am not what I make myself seem to be. I make you think so for reasons you should not stress yourself to try to see. Your eyes are half-opened leave them that way.
Do you think I do not hear?
I hear you all the time, even when I am alone. I hear you running to me as I try to get away. I hear you yell at me for my foolish mistakes. I do not play dumb for no reason. Do not reach for me…for I do not want to break you…I do not want to hear your cries.
I do not want to bring you down to my level. You are high, you are fine, you are healthy…do not stoop down and try to save me. I see you reaching for me; do not get angry with me for declining your offer. I hear you calling for me every chance you get. Do not worry about me when I get nervous and run away.
Please be satisfied with my empty smiles and fake truths. Please understand that I wish for you to be safe more than I can ever hope. Please love someone else…I can bring you no more happiness than I can display. The lies that we both build have created a wall unbreakable. Understand that I want you to survive the pain that I could not. I want to see you succeed and achieve it all.
But alas, I have fallen, seeing you cry. I cannot live seeing you in pain so I bring myself to a higher level by force. I kneel beside you and try to cheer you up and laugh that wonderful laugh again. Your always shining bright, I cannot see you any other way. Since then you have had me wrapped up around your finger, doing all your bids. I cannot listen to any more cries, to anymore yells. I cannot see any more anger, nor anymore pain.
The masks go up when I achieve my smile that I wish to see. So I walk away promising you a friendship that I know will only end up ruined. Therefore, I walk away with more pain gnawing at me inside. I know eventually we will all disappear, why did I promise something no one could ever promise?
I turn my back on all I said, all I thought, and all I ever wanted. I have my eyes wide at the reality of the world, with all its problems…all the pain it brings. I turn away from everything and run away from all the things I fear. I cannot let a mask break and fall apart. I cannot let anyone know. So I turn away and run.
Do not think that I have not seen what I have done.
Time should heal you as it forgot me.
Do not come and try to find me…do not try to chase me across the world.
I did not intend on this…I did not want to break and run. I have held on to your empty promise for so long and pulled myself higher. However, it broke when we were young. Causing my brokenness. I promised too so long ago that I would keep my head up high, but it is not my fault that I have failed. So I am just going to let myself fall.
I always loved you…but I am broken…do not love me…
I want you…I need you…but you are safer away.
I can harm you- make you bleed. Stay away and never love me…
Just let me die with my broken heart but peace inside. Let me drag myself under the ocean I have fallen captive to. Just save yourself. Do not step in- it is there the shore…go there and do not try to save me…I am held under losing the fight…there is nothing you can do for me.
Go away and leave me so I cannot break you too.
I love you still…
Do not love me back…do not touch my hair and kiss me goodnight. Don't hug me and kiss my neck saying you love me. Don't try to hold my hand and figure me out. Don't try to make me take off the mask that I have already carefully built. Do not whisper I love you to me. Do not cry for me when I never say it back. Do not make me laugh and cry and hurt and heal. Don't try to save me and kill me. Don't compliment me. Do not call me every day. Do not ask me what is wrong when I am sad. Don't try to make me feel better…don't make me remember. Do not make me see; do not make me hear.
Because I still love you and it hurts.
Because I love it when you do and it hurts me even more.
Because it cracks my mask and it pulls me away.
Because I need you and I cannot have you.
Because I am reaching towards you in other ways and you will not take me in.
Because I know that, you will not close my eyes, and let me walk like you.
Because I want you and I break myself for you.
Because I am too far away, so far down to ever gain you.
Because I love you so much that it kills me inside.
Because I lost it all the day I ran away from you. The day I cut the string attaching you and me. The day I said I do not love you. The day I said I do not remember. The day I said all these lies.
I am sorry.
But I love you too much to hurt you too.