Author's Note: Trigger Warning: In-depth talk of eating disorders and self-harm. Possible mentions of suicide in later chapters.
If you or someone you know is struggling with any of the issues mentioned in this story, please seek help.
National Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders Helpline: (630) 577-1330
Crisis Text Line: Text the word "hello" to 741741.
You are beautiful. You are loved.
I do not, nor will I ever, own Teen Titans.
Journal entry 1
I'm not sure when it began. After Trigon had been defeated, I found that I needed something. Control, perhaps?
Seeing as I had never had control over anything in my life before, I had to find new things that I could manipulate, things that could make my life finally mine.
Sure, I have always used meditation to keep my emotions in check. But, that wasn't enough. Don't get me wrong, I still meditate. I mean, if I didn't, I would blow the Titan's Tower into smithereens.
But I found comfort in restricting what I eat. It seems like such a trivial thing, but it is one of the few things I can control in my life.
No, the other titans don't know. It's fairly simple to hide these things from them, as I have always been an outsider in our group. I never used to eat breakfast, so they never question that. As for lunch and dinner, I usually preoccupy myself with meditation somewhere in town, where the other titans can't bother me.
This is my third day fasting, and I have never felt stronger. I have complete control over my body, something I couldn't say a year ago.
Robin gave me this beautiful journal for my birthday last year, and I finally feel well enough to write down my thoughts and feelings. Immediately after Trigon's defeat, I felt lost. I started self-harming and withdrawing more and more from the team. Sure, I still went on missions with them, and I always did my best to keep up appearances to show that I was okay, I mean why shouldn't I have been okay? Trigon was defeated and all should've been well.
But, even with the defeat of Trigon, I felt helpless. And things should've been fine. Things should've been better.
Right?
But they weren't good. Until one day, I skipped lunch. I felt powerful, hearing my stomach growl but refusing to give in. This was about two months ago. That was also the last time I cut myself.
Still, I sometimes get the urge to cut. But I found that exercising takes my mind off it. So I spend a lot of time in the gym, sometimes three hours a day. And I feel better. I feel okay again.
Height: Five Feet, four inches.
Weight:
Raven stopped writing, furrowed her brows, and tossed the journal on her desk. She stood up and steadied herself, as the room began to spin. Don't fucking do this, she thought as she closed her eyes. Once the room felt still, she reopened her eyes and made her way to her closet, where she grabbed her uniform. Turning to the full-body mirror on the wall, she examined her body, which was currently donned in a plain black tshirt and underwear. I think I am looking smaller. Maybe not as small as Terra or Starfire, but definitely smaller, she thought as she undressed. Raven turned around, examining every feature of her body, running her fingers along her ribs and collarbones, which seemed more prominent. Walking over to her bed, she tossed her new clothes on the bed and reached under her bed to pull out a scale. She sighed, looked up, and stepped on the scale. After a couple of seconds, it let out a small beep and she looked down. Smiling, she stepped off the scale and pushed it under her bed with her foot. She threw her clothes on, wrapped herself in her cloak, and walked over to her desk. Opening up her journal, she quickly scribbled something down.
Weight: 95 pounds.
Smiling, she pulled the hood of her cloak over her head and walked out of her room. As Raven began to walk around the corner, she bumped into Robin. She nearly fell over, but he grabbed her arm and steadied her.
"Oofff- I uh, sorry, Rae." Rob stuttered.
"It's alright." Raven responded, thankful for the cloak hiding her now-reddened face. Robin began to walk away, then turned back around.
"Raven, don't forget, training in an hour!" Robin called out, then continued down the hallway.
Great, Raven thought. She continued down the hall and opened the door to the main living room. Beast Boy and Cyborg were sitting on the couch, playing a video game. Raven watched the game briefly, just in time to watch the blue car on the screen run the green car off the track.
"BOO-YAH" Cyborg boomed. He stood up and began dancing around the couch.
"DUUUDE, not fair!" Beast Boy whined, tossing his controlled to the side and folding his arms. Starfire, who was intently watching the game, turned to see Raven.
"Raven! Would you like to partake in the playing of video games?" Starfire gleamed.
"I, uh, am going to meditate before training. Sorry, Star." Raven stammered. She walked into the kitchen and turned on her electric tea kettle.
"Hey Rae, I made breakfast if you would like some. It's in the fridge." Cyborg called out, focusing back in on his video game.
"Oh, uh, that's okay, I already ate this morning. Thanks, though." Raven quickly poured the water into her mug, added a bag of green tea, and levitated out of the room. Cyborg looked at Starfire and frowned.
"Hey Star, has Rae seemed a little… off to you?" Cyborg questioned. Starfire tilted her head.
"I did not know that Raven could be turned off, as you say." Starfire furrowed her brows in confusion. Cyborg let out a groan.
"No Star- I mean she has been acting different." Cyborg sighed.
"Oh. Well, yes, then she has been off, as you said. I have only seen her twice this week. I do not know why she has been like this." Starfire shook her head and looked down.
"I wouldn't worry too much guys. She knows how to take care of herself. She's doing better than a few months ago…" Beast Boy trailed off. Cyborg looked at Beast Boy and put his hand on his shoulder.
"It's okay BB." Cyborg reassured. "I'm sure you're right. I just worry about her, ya know?" Cyborg added. Just then, Robin entered the room.
"Titans! Time for training! Meet me in the gym in five minutes. Don't be late!" Robin called out before leaving the room again.
AN: Thanks for reading! Leave a review if you wish. :)