Title: Conversations of Us
Pairing: KakaIru
Summary: Love means considering the other person's feelings first, even if we don't realize we're doing it.
Disclaimer: Kishi-sama owns Naruto, if you already don't know this... though most do.
written for... the hell of it. I was in a mood for my OTP so I dragged out a conversation I had on paper for them from a long time ago and added actions to fill the scene. Dedicated to Lenap because she's been waiting (not patiently or so she claims) for some KakaIru from me.
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Kakashi buried his face into to the tan shoulder. Most would assume the action to be him snuggling; but really, it was more that he didn't want to look at the man who's arms he was lying in but was unwilling to relinquish his hold on the chunin either. "Iruka?"
"Yeah Kakashi?" The reply was soft, sleep dowsing the sound with the audible need to yawn.
He was hesitant to actually voice the question. The reluctance was brought on by the fact he was fairly sure he wouldn't get an answer he could deal with and what that would mean. "What are we?"
Iruka yawned and there was a definite note of sleepy confusion to his voice when he finally spoke. "What do you mean?"
Kakashi took a deep steadying breath. Things could go very wrong if he said the wrong thing or phrased something poorly. /If/ it came down to that, he supposed, it was better to find out now than later. It would hurt Iruka more later. "Er... what are /we/? What am I you?"
Fingers combed through his hair and Iruka's chest hummed with the thoughtful 'Hmm" sound he made, then rose and fell with the sigh that followed. And, for a moment, Kakashi thought the chunin wouldn't answer or would ask him to leave. He tensed slightly, waiting for the other man's response.
"What do you want us to be?" Iruka asked finally, softly.
"I..." The word was all he could manage for a moment, not having expected that particular question and so he hadn't considered how to answer. "I don't know." The simple truth seemed to be all he could manage right then.
"Then we're friends I guess." Iruka said, his arms tightening around the pale man in his arms. "And... it doesn't really matter what you call /this/, I'm content with the way things are." The chunin took another deep breath and then placed a light kiss against the silver hair. "I'll be whatever you want me to be, whatever you need me to be."
"Oh... okay" The answer had again, been somewhat unexpected and he wondered at the truth behind it, if it was true. "But..."
Iruka brushed fingers through his hair again. However, the comforting act only served to make him feel more anxious. Kakashi needed to know, he knew that, and he knew it should happen now, not later.
"But what?" Iruka prodded gently, still pulling his fingers through the soft silver spikes.
"Well while we were...." He paused, choking on the words, and feeling his cheeks flush. It was such a strange thing for /him/ to be embarrassed simply by thought of voicing the intimacy. And, if he was honest, he might have considered why that was. However, this time, he discarded that line of thought and focused on the coversation at hand.
Iruka laughed, the sound actually eased some of the tension from the pale body still lying half on-top of his own. "Having sex? Screwing? Fucking each other into the mattress? Pick one or make one up, it doesn't really matter what you call it you're not going to offend me."
"You said you loved me." The relief at having said it was short lived and Kakashi tensed an instant later, waiting for the brunet to respond.
"Ah..." Iruka murmurred, seeming to understand the road Kakashi was leading him down. "That's because I do." There was warmth in the tone and had the older man looked up, he'd have seen the soft smile on the chunin's lips. As it was, he could only hear it, and that was enough.
A small amount of dread crept up Kakashi's throat. "I..." He sighed, resigning himself and certain of the outcome the conversation, /his/ words would have. "I don't know how I feel," Kakashi said, all the while thinking, 'There, I said it. It's gone and he's gone and it's al for the better.'
Iruka pushed back on Kakashi's shoulder, forcing him back and for a second the jounin thought he was being pushed away. But, the chunin didn't release him. Instead, he just looked at him with a look approaching surprised concern.
"Listen, Kakashi, I love you. Infact, I have for awhile now." The brown eyes didn't stray from their steady gaze and Iruka's voice didn't waver or break or sound at all hurt. There were definite notes of worry and reassurance however. "But, that doesn't mean I expect you to say it back."
"You're not mad?" And, although it was phrased as a question it was also Kakashi's way of reassuring himself that what he was hearing was in fact what he thought it was.
"No," Iruka said simply.
He found he was even more confused by the reply. "Why not?"
The brunet furrowed his brown, looking blatantly puzzled by the concept. "Why would I be?"
"They always are in... Icha Icha..." Pale, uncovered cheeks lit with a very light blush as the truth slipped from his lips once again.
Iruka burst out laughing, releasing his hold on Kakashi's shoulder in favor of trying to cover the outburst. "Kakashi, that is a silly thing to base how /I'm/ supposed to feel on. Aside from the fact, that Jiraiya wrote those on based on what he sees as the typical female, and with me not even being female it doesn't really apply, everyone reacts differently." Iruka smirked his amusement but managed to contain his laughter this time. "Tell me something?"
One silver eyebrow quirked up in question even as Kakashi regarded the slight insult to his favorite author.
The chunin smiled softly before asking his question. "Do you like being with me?"
"Yes." There was no hesitation, the answer more obvious that most to the copy-nin.
"Then it doesn't matter." And, having stated that, Iruka relaxed against the pillows and simply smiled up at him.
Still the answers only seemed to raise another question... though he thought that maybe it had been there from the start. "But..."
The brunet sighed and shook his head slight. "But what?"
A part of him wanted to drop the question but the resolve to see this conversation through was already there pulling the words from his throat. "What if I decided I didn't... feel the same?" he choked out, half uncertainly.
There was an amused snort from the chunin who rolled his eyes before replying. "I'd still love you. Honestly, I think it's a little too late to change that fact. So... what is it you /really/ want to know?"
A small amount of guilt twisted in Kakashi's gut and he shot Iruka a slightly nervous glance. "Would you still want to be with me... if I didn't feel the same?"
"If that's what you wanted, then yes." Iruka's answer like the others projected a surprising amount of calm given the man has just professed his feelings.
Kakashi frowned. It bothered him that the chunin was so calm. It worried him on a certain level, that maybe Iruka was hiding behind that smile for his sake. He didn't want that. "It would hurt you though, wouldn't it?" There was no doubt that he was pushing the matter but it couldn't be helped. It either had to happen now or it would happen later. And now, would be easier for Iruka.
"Maybe a little," Iruka said, his eyes giving the lie away for what it was. "But it's more important to me that we're together now, and that you want to be with me." These words however were true and both realized it even before they had slipped fully from the chunin's lips.
"And if I didn't?" Kakashi swallowed audibly, hating himself for asking.
The scar that crossed the tanned nose and cheeks twitched slightly. And, the smile faltered then faded, the saddness echoed even in the dark chocolate eyes. "Then I woudl deal with that. It'd hurt, because I'd want to be with you. But, part of loving some one is putting what they want or need first. So, how they feel... tends to be more important.
"Oh." He considered the words, unsure of what he should say and knowing he should say something. "I don't want to hurt you Iruka." It seemed the only condolence he had to offer.
"The only thing that would really hurt, that I don't think I could stand..." Iruka closed his eyes in an obvious attempt to steady his own resolve. "Is if you said you loved me an didn't mean it."
Kakashi nodded his understanding. "I promise not to do that then."
"Thank you." The words brought the smile back and the chunin opened his eyes again to once study the expression of the man in his arms.
"What should I say though?" And as foolish as it made him feel to have to ask, he needed to know, so he asked.
Iruka chuckled and pulled him close for a kiss. "You can say whatever you want or nothing at all. It really doesn't matter so long as you keep your promise."
Kakashi's expression grew overly serious just before the copy-nin smirked. "I like you."
Brown eyes blinked at him for a moment, and the Iruka burst into a fit of laughter. "Well, I'm glad you do, because I have no intention of going anywhere."
Grinning, Kakashi let himself relax and snuggled against the tan body of the man that shared his bed more nights than not now. "I /really/ like you." He tightened his arms around the chunin's waist and smiled softly to himself. "And I really like /this/ what it is."
Iruka laughed, true amusement lighting his voice as he threaded strong fingers through silver hair, smiling in obvious enjoyment at the way the other leaned into the caress. "I like /this/ too, Kakashi."