I do not own Legend of Zelda! Heck, I can barely play the game all the way through. But I've been in love with the game for forever, so today, I was talking with a fellow Zelda gamer, and compared one of my injuries to 'Link getting his hands on Ganon with the Master Sword'.
Hoo boy, when we finished laughing, I decided to make this fanfic. Enjoy!
Dear Diary,
Success today. I managed to finish recruiting my minions and build my castle. I'm starting a project to log every success that I make. Well, you'll be the written log, but now I have a Camera!
Dear Diary,
I have started invading and map making. I can't rule Hyrule if I don't know where everything is.
Dear Diary,
I have led my armies to the castle. Night has fallen- what the heck, it's two in the morning. I'm going to get some more coffee.
Dear Diary,
I have managed to capture Zelda. As killing her off the bat won't ensure the countries co-operation (they might commit mass suicide or martyr her- still can't decide which is worse) I'll be keeping her as a hostage for a little longer.
Besides, I need something to bait the Hero of Time with, and he keeps finding treasure chests around every freaking corner! (No fair, I had to work at a bar to start up my funds for taking over the world. All he does is run around and try to take it back from me!)
Dear Diary,
Crops are failing. That's to be expected what with the mass chaos and farmers not wanting to work, but I'm not feeding them, and my army certainly doesn't know how to plant.
Why are they blaming me for the bad crops?
Dear Diary,
I've saved the farms. Distributed the goods. Got the people through the winter. And they still don't worship me.
Don't they realize I have better things to do with my time than save imbeciles?
Dear Diary,
Zelda got out of her cage today. Stupid guards let their guards down. Now I need to brush up on my seal magic. Maybe then she'll stay put.
Addendum: She found my camera, and demands to know how it works. I demanded why she wasn't trying to escape.
"Cause how am I going to take back a Kingdom on my own? I know how to run Hyrule, not rescue it!"
…true, there are a lot of people to defeat, and the Princess only knows some magic.
Dear Diary,
The Hero murdered another of my allies today. Does he think I can order more from 'Monsters are Us'? It takes time to raise these guys!
…Maybe he thinks I get them from ACME.
Dear Diary,
Kingdom's running smoothly, not much to mention, trades up, economy's never been better, even crime's gone down.
….I am so bored.
Dear Diary,
Found out why things were so quiet. Hero took a wrong turn in the mountains and saved a different kingdom. Couldn't escape any sooner to come save Hyrule. Princess Zelda and I both got letters from the neighboring Kingdom thanking us for the loan.
….Why the hell they couldn't keep him, I'll never know.
Also, Zelda is demanding to be included in current affairs.
Dear Diary,
I had to put down my first revolt today. It was very bloody, and the rebellion is since being traced back to the insurgents. Zelda is claiming no knowledge of the fact. She's too smart to try to overthrow me; she can see my army barracks from her window.
Guess this means I have to out on a public trial and execution.
No, Zelda will not be attending.
Dear Diary,
Hero managed to get back into Hyrule, rode nonstop and interrupted my trial. He rescued the miscreants and ordered the others to stay in their houses and not cause trouble.
I thought he was backing me until he started in on them for making Princess Zelda cry. They've settled for now, and he's blown through three more of my pets.
I'm taking away Zelda's hot food privilege.
Dear Diary,
Zelda is suffering on bread and water, and can't even summon to energy to magically light a candle, much less get up and do it herself.
To that end, she's redecorated her room in sporadic bursts.
….dear Din, but I hate the embroidery lessons she had as a child. I didn't know you could knit lace pullovers for iron bars.
Dear Diary,
He killed my last pet. He's resting in town. He's on his way to rescue Princess Zelda.
Well, screw him. He can get here after I'm done with the funeral.
Dear Diary,
I was walking through the town square (disguised, what kind of idiot do they take me for) and I overheard someone taking bets on who would win.
People were betting that I'll kill the Hero of Time. Don't they realize that just means a new Hero will be born, who I'll have to hunt down and imprison again? If I keep him alive, then I don't have to watch my back twenty-four seven.
Sheesh. Idiots.
Anyways, the Hero is busy rescuing some merchants, so he'll be delayed for a few days before he comes to fight me.
…shit. I just realized I was so distracted, I came back from the market without what I went out for. And it's too volatile to let my minions obtain it.
I was just getting comfy, damnit!
Dear Diary,
I should never have started that picture-a-day-while-I-take-over-Hyrule project. Link got a hold of me with the Master Sword today.
Dear Diary,
He won. I lost. Some cheap theatrics, and I'm hiding out in one of my abandoned strongholds. Good thing I paid my minions in advance. No one's looking for me.
In the meantime, that means more time for my scrapbooking! I fulfilled the damn prophecy, now I can do what I want with my life. Go me and my Master Plan!