A Black Widow By Any Other Name Is Just A Hobo Spider Named Rita Jean
by dcat
This is a Hardcastle and McCormick fanfic. The characters do not belong to me. 3-31-07 Rated G
This is in response to Lizabeth Tucker's challenge below.
"Yes, I know I can't get into this until after tax filing season is over, but this line has been bouncing around in my head for a solid week now and I have to get it out. See what you can do with it.
She was everything he wanted and nothing he needed. She was trouble with a capital T, yet he couldn't resist her lure.
Okay, who or what is she and who is he?"
I couldn't resist giving Hardcase a girl too. Not much else to do on a cold, rainy Saturday, except spend part of the time sucking up spiders in the basement with a vacuum...the rest, as they say, is history. Naming spiders and other creepy bugs actually comes from an episode of Magnum PI, I usually go with Thomas' suggestion and call mine Herman, but the Judge has his own take on this.
"No, what I said McCormick was, we're going to clean out that garage today once and for all," Hardcastle determinedly made his way toward the outside edifice with McCormick griping and moaning and following at a much slower pace.
"Judge, come on, so I was wrong about the date, the concert is today. I got the tickets and everything, can't I just clean it out tomorrow? I promise I will."
"No McCormick, I want it done now. You've put it off for the last three months already. You know I came out here last night and tried to find a screwdriver and all I got was an old can of paint falling on my head, lucky I caught it before it did any damage."
"Lucky for whom? And when did you get that dent on the side of your head?" McCormick teased and grinned.
The comment merely got him an eye roll. "It's too bad McCormick, you're doing this, not gallivanting all over Southern California to some silly rock concert."
"It's the Rolling Stones Judge, come on?" McCormick begged.
Now at the door of the garage, Hardcastle turned to look at Mark. "You know if you quit your bellyaching and started cleaning, maybe we'd get this done in time for you to go. Did you ever think of that?"
"Sure," McCormick nodded, "I've thought of that, that is if you let me clean it by myself, but with you out here, it's bound to take us a week. You know I can do things without you supervising me over the shoulder you know?"
"Ha," The Judge laughed. "That'll be the day." The Judge reached down and pulled up the door. "Let's get these cars outta there first so we've got some room to work." Hardcastle had a grin on his face.
The edges of the garage interior were stacked with everything and anything imaginable. Things came out here as a final resting place and finding something was becoming near impossible. It was becoming tougher to even be able to park their cars inside overnight. The work bench, which at one time was clear of debris, now sagged in the middle from the weight it held.
"So where do we start Kemosabe?" McCormick asked, resigned to his fate.
Hardcastle wheeled around in a 360 and pointed to the back wall. "Let's start back there. We'll just dig in and decide if we keep something or throw something. We'll put the stuff we want to toss out in the driveway and see what's left and then figure out how to store it. Most of this will be garbage anyway. Come on," he motioned to Mark to follow him.
The two of them slowly worked their way through pile after pile of stuff and indeed, most of it was ending up in the driveway. By the time they got to the second corner of the garage, they both were covered in dust and sweat. Hardcastle looked at the growing pile outside and said. "I'm going have to call for a dumpster for all that."
McCormick didn't even take the time to stop and look, he'd glanced at his watch and things were moving fairly quick and his goal was still to make the late afternoon concert at the Hollywood Bowl. He was just about to make a smart aleck remark, but he let out a bit of a yelp instead and quickly backed off a couple of steps from where he was cleaning.
"What's the problem now?" Hardcastle asked, hearing the yelp and seeing McCormick cower away from whatever made him scream out.
"There's a spider over there," McCormick said, backing up even more.
"Oh for Pete's sake, you're afraid of a spider? There's probably a million of them out here McCormick, and lord knows how many more in the gatehouse."
"Yeah, well the ones in the gatehouse know my rule," Mark said watching Hardcastle move in closer to see the offending creature.
"You have a rule for spiders?"
McCormick nodded the affirmative, "My rule that if I see them, they get sucked up with the vacuum in a heartbeat. If they stay concealed, that's okay by me. It's too bad for them when they test me, you know, zslurp," McCormick made a sucking noise. "If I see 'em, I kill 'em," he said with a satisfied tone in his voice.
"I don't see any spider over here, it must have been afraid of you and your vacuum," Hardcastle cracked.
"Listen, as long as you're over there, why don't you just keep going and hand out whatever you want tossed," Mark nearly begged, not wanting to see the offending creature again.
"Chicken!" Hardcastle turned around to face McCormick. "You are afraid of them aren't you?" He couldn't stifle a full-bore laugh.
"Yeah, okay I admit it. I don't like them, I can be a tough guy over just about anything, except for a spider alright?"
Hardcastle turned his attention back to the mess in the corner. "You know if you give them a sexy name, they don't seem so bad," Milt started to explain. Suddenly out of the corner of his eye he spotted one of the offending creatures, probably the same one McCormick had spotted. She was everything he wanted and nothing he needed. She was trouble with a capital T, yet he couldn't resist her lure. A smile washed over his face and he bent down closer to grab it. "Like this little beauty," he picked it up off the cardboard box it scampered across and let it crawl in his hands. "Let's see, Jean Harlow or Rita Hayworth? Whatta ya think kiddo?" He spun around and held out his hand for McCormick to take a peek.
McCormick's eyes widened as he stepped away and held up his hands letting Hardcastle know he didn't want any part of this particular 1940's Hollywood fantasy. "Whatever you want to call her is fine by me Judge. As long as she stays over there and I stay over here. And how do you know it's even a female?"
"Look how pretty she is McCormick? Of course she's a female."
"Well the last time I got involved with a female spider, I nearly got buried. You name her what ever you want okay."
"Oh this isn't a black widow kid, you don't need to be scared. She's not even poisonous."
"Since when did you become an expert on spiders Judge?"
"It's a garage spider that's all, aren't you there Rita Jean?" He let it wander all over his hand and it started in up his arm.
"Rita Jean?"
"Sure, I couldn't just pick one pretty girl, she deserves a big name. You want to go say hello to McCormick don't you pretty lady?" The Judge took a few steps toward Mark just to tease him.
"Judge really I mean it, don't start this okay? You got me okay, you know another of my many weaknesses, just put your girlfriend on the ground and I'll step on her all right?" McCormick was out in the driveway with the Judge coming toward him. "Rita Jean is fine where she's at or actually she'd be better off as floor paint in my book."
"No it's not all right McCormick, she didn't do anything to hurt you and you want to kill her? Tsk, tsk, tsk."
"Judge please, I'm asking nicely."
Hardcastle laughed again, he'd had enough fun with her and McCormick, it was time to get back to the task at hand. "Oh all right then," he said as he was about to release Rita Jean out to the nearby garden when she climbed onto his forearm and took a bite out of his skin. "Ow, she bit me," he groused, flinging her to the cement floor.
McCormick quickly stepped in and on her. She made a nice stain in his opinion. He couldn't help but stand back to admire the splatter.
"You didn't need to kill her McCormick," Hardcastle said, looking down at the ground.
"Hey, she hurt you Judge, Tonto here has got to protect Kemosabe you know? Besides, that's one less spider in the world Judge and that's okay with me, you should go inside and rinse that out, just to be safe."
"Yeah, you're probably right. You keep working in here."
OOOOOOOO
Four hours later McCormick drove the Judge in the pick-up to the emergency room.
"This is totally unnecessary McCormick," Milt scowled up his face as they walked inside.
"Look, I'm the one who gave up the Rolling Stones concert, just humor me here," Mark started. He glanced over to see the angry face of Hardcastle staring straight ahead and walking purposefully. "Judge, I'm telling you that spider was poisonous, look at your arm, it looks like rotting flesh and you've been complaining about a headache for the last three hours. And I don't want to find your dead donkey carcass on the staircase tomorrow morning." Under his arm he carried an old glass jar with another one of the same spiders inside. "Let's just get you checked out."
They got registered and began to wait for a doctor to come and see them.
OOOOOOO
"You're absolutely correct Mr. McCormick," the doctor came out carrying the glass jar, which he handed back to Mark. "It is a poisonous spider…A hobo spider to be exact. The good news is that it's not deadly. You've got both of the side effects already, necrotic or rotting flesh around the bite area and a headache. I'm afraid to tell you that a pain reliever won't help, you'll just have to let it run its course, which is anywhere from two to seven days, according to the book we have," the ER doc explained. "Just take it easy and stay away from them from now on."
"Thanks Doc," Mark let out a relieved breath and stood to shake his hand.
Hardcastle followed suit and did the same. The doctor nodded and went back to work. Milt looked over to McCormick who had a dopey grin on his face. "Don't even start kiddo."
"See this is why I don't like spiders, I'm telling you, the vacuum works great."
"I told you it wasn't a black widow bite," Milt responded.
"Black widow, hobo spider, who knew? But I am glad you're going to survive," McCormick said with some sincerity. He lifted up the jar and peered inside. "Come on Judge, let's take Gloria Monroe here home, she's the perfect girl for you."