Star Across the Nighttime Sky
By Seabreeze
Chapter One: Ignorance
AN: so I wrote literally like 5 versions of this story. I hope this is the final one…
Takes place sometime in the game (KOTOR2, obviously).
Disclaimer: Characters and setting belong to LucasArts and Obsidian.
::There is no emotion; there is peace.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no chaos; only harmony.
There is no death; there is the Force.::
The Exile sighed, breathing the words in and out of her body like the cure for a disease. She was not a Jedi anymore, not officially, but the mantra still brought her a great amount of comfort. As if with each recitation a heap of her troubles fell away from her shoulders; with each line her breathing became deeper and easier. It was purifying.
It was strange to be a Jedi, but not a part of the order – she existed in a bizarre limbo with guidelines to follow, but no one to enforce them and no consequences for breaking them except for those on her own conscience. In a way it was nice, and in a different way it made her edgy – too easy to slip away from the true meaning of being a Jedi, as it were. But such thoughts were not pertinent for meditation –
::Do not think that, because you can fool yourself, you cannot fool me.::
Kreia's voice appeared in her head, and though she did not physically react, the older woman caught her off guard.
::Kreia?:: she asked. ::Why don't you just come talk to me?::
::Do not change the subject.::
::What do you mean?:: She asked, somewhat irritated, completely unaware that the Ebon Hawk's pilot had entered the dormitory and was watching her as he waited for her to speak to him.
::You believe yourself to be sincerely endeavoring to following the code. Your emotions block your devotion to it.::
::My emotions? What do you mean?::
::Do not be foolish, girl. That idiot of a pilot monopolizes your thoughts.::
::He doesn't,:: she replied, feeling her cheeks warm slightly.
::You know it to be true. Do not try to deny it to me. I can sense the embarrassment, can feel the blood rush to your face and hear the changes in your breathing…::
She swallowed heavily. She tried not to think about how often the pilot occupied her mind, but the cold hard fact was that Kreia was right.
::Thoughts of lust can be easily controlled, Kreia.:: She reminded the older Jedi.
::Perhaps. It is not lust that concerns me.::
::Then what is?:: The Exile demanded.
::It is passion. You must deal with this passion and do away with it – immediately.::
::You are right, of course,:: The Exile replied with resignation. ::It will be handled.::
::Let us not speak of this again,:: Kreia warned. The Exile pulled out of her meditation at that moment to see Atton Rand standing before her, leaning against the wall casually with a bored and irritated look on his face.
"You're awake, finally. What, you didn't hear me coming in?" he asked at the surprised look on her face. "I thought you Jedi were supposed to be aware of your surroundings."
"Kreia was distracting me," she said as she pushed her hair out of her face.
"Kreia?" He asked, giving her a hand as she pulled herself up from the ground. "You were talking with that old witch just now?" She nodded.
"I'm sorry, Atton, was there anything you needed?" she said, frowning slightly, clearly still bothered by her conversation with Kreia.
"Yeah, just wanted to know if you had any input for where we go now?" he asked. She shook her head.
"No, it doesn't really matter. Maybe Kreia or Bao-Dur will have an idea." She said. "If you could excuse me, I really need to think."
He has rarely seen her so distracted and upset; she wasn't even trying to be cordial or friendly with him. Usually she would even joke around with him a little bit, something she only did rarely with Bao-Dur and never anyone else. She was especially quiet and reserved with Kreia – he suspected she mistrusted the old bag, as she rightly should. But never, not with anyone, was she impolite.
"Alright, I get the hint," he said, turning to leave the dormitory.
She sat in deep, silent thought for a long time. Kreia was right, she did have feelings for the pilot; feelings that directly conflicted with the wisdom of the code. It was an unnecessary, even dangerous, distraction that needed to be dealt with. She groaned softly to herself. Her feelings for Atton made her feel like a child, made her feel innocent and unsure and excited. There was a lightness in their interactions that countered the darkness she felt all around her, the darkness of knowing she was one of the last surviving Jedi…
She knew it was wrong, that as their leader she should be strong and sure of herself and not let herself be distracted by anything, but the truth of it was that she was very concerned with what the pilot thought about her. She scowled. Such thoughts were unnatural, she had been taught from a very young age. It was why she had done her best to ignore their existence. But Kreia was right – ignoring them would not make them go away.
But how to put an end to them?
Part of her problem was that she was not sure how he felt about her – sometimes he flirted, but that meant little other than that he found her physically attractive. Sometimes he seemed as needy of her acceptance as she was of his, but that could easily be attributed to the fact that she was his leader.
Yes, it would be good to know that he felt nothing for her romantically. And the idea made sense – Atton was the pazaak playing, juma-juice loving, Twi'lek oogling scoundrel pilot with a dark past. She was just a quiet Jedi. They had lived lives that could not have been more different; indeed they were very different people. It was unlikely that he felt anything for her – she was too different from what he was used to, too different from what he wanted. She was sure of it now, now that she had thought on it – so illogical, that he could be interested in her.
She felt her heart drop considerably at the idea, and tried to tell herself that it was for the best. Unrequited love was, after all, not love at all.
You rip the sureness from my stare
And throw the pieces in the air
Your fingers string me like a pearl
You say I'm not your kind of girl
A spider underneath my skin
I want you out, I want you in
The venom and the vaccine swirl
You say I'm not your kind of girl
A/N: Song is "Not Your Girl" by Bree Sharp. Reviews and feedback would be appreciated.
If you catch any discrepencies in the Star Wars universe, please ignore them unless you think it will affect the story. I've seen all the Star Wars movies (actually had a marathon with all 6… yeeeah. Long time to sit.), but it's been awhile. I bought Episode IV but its Christmas, so I can't really afford to go buy the rest. I just ask you give me the benefit of the doubt.