Notes: SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT for those who haven't watched episode 22. This fic is an alternate to Levi and Eren's dining hall conversation scene in episode 24.
FYI: This was originally meant to be a smutfest where Eren and Levi just have wild consolation sex after the expedition. Instead, it became an angstfest. And about a thousand words longer than the drabble it should've been. I do not trust myself with these two.
Disclaimer: Yes. Yes I borrowed lines from Game of Thrones. Can you blame me?
Listening to: Demons by Imagine Dragons
What I should be doing instead: Studying. For the exam of a subject I'm currently failing. ┐(￣ヮ￣)┌
The countless tables and chairs of the dining hall are as perfectly organized as the disciplined squad of recon soldiers who used to occupy them. The only sound to be heard is the harsh night winds raging outside the closed windows. Levi sits cross-legged, watching the soft candlelight dance on his tea. Eren sits not far away, gravely staring at the wooden floor. Levi complains about being made to wait.
"You're talking a lot today, heichou," Eren blurts out. He curses himself internally. Maybe he overstepped his boundaries and his superior officer would be offended. Eren is about to conjure an apology but Levi beats him to it.
"I always talk this much," Levi replies before finishing his tea. He slams his cup down, the clinking sound breaking through the night's uncharacteristic silence. It's bitterly cold, and it drops a few degrees colder when Levi's eyes sweep the almost-empty hall. He flinches inwardly and his hand instinctively reaches for his thigh beneath the table.
It's definitely the cold that makes him shiver a little. Eren peeks up at him and looks away before volunteering himself. "I-I'm gonna get you some more tea, heichou."
Levi follows Eren's retreating back until he closes the door behind him. He shifts his stare at the chair just recently abandoned. Someday, maybe, that chair would be empty as well. Then what?
Levi is humanity's strongest and he knows this, but it's not as if there are a lot of people left with a chance to compete. In fact, they've been dropping like flies even before Levi joined the Scouting Legion. One day, he himself might die the way they have and humanity would go on or not go on as it would've anyway in the natural course of things. So what now?
Strength means nothing if you can't change anything.
"I hope this is okay, sir," Eren's voice cuts through Levi's thoughts and he turns towards it. Levi almost jumps. Eren is standing three feet away from him. The soldier places the teapot in front of Levi. "It's the first time I've made tea, sir. I'm sorry if it sucks, sir," he explains, back ramrod straight.
Levi takes a long look at him, sighs deeply, then pours for himself. At first touch he is sure the tea is a few degrees too hot to be good, at first sight he is sure it is a shade too dark. Levi sips and savors the familiar almost-burn. The excess bitterness clears his head, the excess warmth makes his toes curl. The feeling passes too quickly, and Levi almost eagerly finishes the cup. Afterwards, he shuts his eyes tightly.
A few moments pass, and the hailstorm brewing outside the halls erupts inside Levi's head. There's nothing fully recognizable—a flash of shiny, straight brown hair, a nose pouring snot and bloody lips, the sound of sniffing, a chastising grunt.
"Levi-heichou?"
Levi's eyes open and land on the concerned face above him. "Eren," he says absently.
The younger man's brows rise a bit. "Yes sir?"
"Not bad," Levi says to no one in particular. Then he suddenly turns back to Eren. "Are you gonna pour or just stand there like an idiot?"
Eren blinks before registering the words. "Yes sir!" He diligently picks up the teapot and steps a bit closer to Levi. Eren gulps hard before saying, "You are strong. The others can see that too. They won't lose hope."
Levi doesn't respond. Eren firmly decides not to regret saying such things and he proceeds as if nothing happened. As he bends to pour tea, the key hanging on Eren's neck drops to Levi's direct line of sight.
"Strength means nothing if you can't change anything," the words fly out of Levi without him deciding to give them wings.
Eren's sea green eyes flick up, meeting Levi's cold, gray stare. In the next moment Levi feels a warm gush on his thigh.
"Oh, fuck!" Eren almost screams as he panics over Levi's soaked pants and the tea spilled on the table. "Fuck! I'm sorry! Sorry, sir!"
Levi glares at the stained spot in disgust, then the hotness registers. Oh. His eyes shut at the sensation.
"Sir? Are you okay, sir?"
Eren has bent down so closely to Levi that that his warm breath flushes over the corporal's face. Levi never knew his arms were so fast they could fasten around Eren before he could stop them. The brunette yelps in surprise before instinctively wrapping his arms around Levi to stabilize himself. Without warning, the corporal tightens his hold and Eren completely loses his balance, landing awkwardly on the seated man's lap.
Levi doesn't know what he's doing and why, all he knows is that Eren is a mass of warm and solid something. He's not a very needy person but is it such a crime to need something right now?
Is it such a crime, kid? Levi wanted to ask him. But his breath is short and his tongue is frozen so he settles for the spot under Eren's ear, feeling the soft pulse on his cracked lips. It's just too bad because Levi isn't feeling like the sharp and commanding officer he is, and he can't convince himself with his own word.
"Leave."
Levi waits. He knows Eren could be dense but this is a direct command, something he's accustomed to. The seconds pass and the cacophony in Levi's chest calms.
It's almost winter now. "Leave, and we'll proceed like nothing happened," he lies.
Eren takes in a shaky breath, his steady heartbeat stuttering on Levi's lips. Finally, he starts to pull away, untangling the mess of their limbs. Levi's pauses for a moment before he does the same, but when they come face to face two hands solidly land on his shoulders.
"No," Eren says, his eyes clear and unflinching as they hold Levi in place better than his hands ever could.
"Insolent brat," Levi mutters under his breath as he grabs both of Eren's hands and forcibly takes them off his shoulders. "Leave now."
Something flashes in Eren's eyes but it's gone before Levi could read it. "No," he says again, a powerless whisper Levi should be able to swat away, except before the syllable can be finished by Eren's mouth Levi closes it with his own.
The moment their lips meet, Levi freezes. He opens his eyes to find that Eren's eyelids are heavy, lips open and willing.
"Do you still think I'm strong?" Levi grunts on his lips, disgust plain in his voice.
Eren's eyes open, hurt apparent in his eyes. He feels Levi slightly trembling under him. "This doesn't make you any weaker."
"What good is strength if you can't protect any-fucking-body?" Levi angrily growls, his throat closing over the words. With his gaunt arms he crushes Eren to him, crushes his shame, crushes the helplessness threatening to drown him.
"You can avenge them," Eren snaps at him, gripping at the back of Levi's slender neck.
"That's not enough," Levi violently wrenches himself off and seizes Eren's face. The titans are not the only beasts Levi is fighting.
Why can't you see?
There is a beast right inside Levi, constantly trying to devour what's left his humanity and dishonour every vow he's ever made to every soldier who died fighting for humanity's victory. There is a beast inside him saying the same thing over and over.
I don't want to be strong anymore.
And Levi is afraid, that when his arms give the curtains will fall for those whose hope hangs on his strength. He is afraid that all humans have this beast inside them and it will eat them alive before the titans do.
As those eyes are fixed on him now, alight with hatred and absolute resolve, Levi knows that he needs to let go of Eren if he wants to save him.
Levi has to save him, because he himself is already hell bound.
"I know," Eren finally answers, before he kisses Levi so hard that it bruises. His teeth hit Levi's and he groans in frustration, pushing Levi's head angrily towards his. Levi's mouth opens with a moan as Eren slips a tongue inside, clumsy and desperate.
The fool really knows nothing. Levi thinks before pulling on dark, sweaty locks with his fingers. Levi can't tell lust from madness, not with Eren. When they finally pull each other's head away, a line briefly connects them and Levi looks at what he's done.
Dark skin covered with sweat, shimmering under the candlelight. Ravished lips blooming with bruises, face flushed with blood. Quick breaths, a rapid rise and fall. And he's right here, right in front of Levi.
He has never seen anyone more alive.
"You can live for them," Eren says, breathlessly, fearlessly. "Maybe it's the wrong decision. But you can never know how a choice would turn out before you make it."
Levi's words are being thrown right back at his face. The shitty brat is challenging me, he realizes to his own chagrin.
"You're strong enough to fight. So fight."
Because you are not defeated until you give up or die.
"My life is a fight, you shitty brat," Levi scoffs, before pulling Eren down for another kiss.
Humanity could die in the next century, the next day, the next hour. But if he goes down, Levi is going down with the strength of the strongest, damn the world to hell if he doesn't.
This is his kingdom come.