"Why don't you ever grow up? What the hell is so wrong with you that you can't do anything right?"
A pot went flying, sprinkling the wall and vacuumed carpet with dry, brown dirt and withered flowers. Shutting his eyes tightly, Roxas kept his arms tight against his side, elbows locked and hands curled into fists. It was always like this. One small mistake, one slip-up, and the peace was broken, just like everything else in the room. Something in his chest was causing his heart to skip beats, a painful sensation, as things went crashing into the ground, but he tried to block it out with thoughts of the happier Axel. 'I'd give my life for us to go back--'
"Answer me!" The harsh voice startled him, and Roxas' sea blue eyes snapped open as every muscle in his body jumped. Licking his dry lips, his hands trembled, and he gripped the hem of his shirt, wrinkling the cleanly pressed linen. Sandy blonde hair shifted as one encyclopedia of a set brushed it, landing with a sound 'thud' against the wall. He wasn't aware that anything had been asked of him. His mouth formed the beginnings of a question, but he thought better of it. He knew why Axel was mad today. Today was the fourth of December, one year. 'I remembered. I always remembered.'
"It's all your fault! If you hadn't...hadn't..." Axel found his throat tight, and nothing came out of his mouth except for a choked sob. "If you hadn't been so fucking stupid, he'd still be alive! He'd still fucking be here! It's all because you were so damn full of yourself! Thinking you were the shit, thinking that you could handle it!" His knees felt weak, as he was sure Roxas' felt. 'Why am I doing this? Why am I yelling?' The answer was obvious. 'Because I'm just as guilty as he is. I need this more than he does, this punishment.' This time, his hand found an ashtray, and he gripped the glass tightly, red hair swirling around him as he turned around and smashed the object against the ground. "Sora..."
The sound of that name leaving Axel's lips was enough to break Roxas down. His eyes brimmed with tears, tears that fell down his cheeks, down his pointed chin, and dripped onto his black and white shirt. "I'm sorry," he managed to squeak out. Wrong move. Axel let out a roar as he grabbed hold of Roxas' collar. The older, taller male lifted him up into the air, looking up at a remorseful blonde. "I'm sorry, Axel. It was my fault. I shouldn't have...shouldn't have let him go." Axel tossed Roxas aside as if he were a piece of trash, and he explicitly heard the sickening crunch of the boy's arm as he fell at an angle. A muffled cry of anguish reached his ears, and Axel found himself walking over to the fallen teen.
'God, what am I doing? What kind of fucking sicko does this?' But Axel couldn't stop his body from moving on its own, and in the blink of an eye, he was roughly pulling Roxas up by his unbroken arm. "Sorry? If sorry could save the god-damn world, then we wouldn't be in this fucking situation! If sorry could bring Sora back, then he'd have still been alive when he was lying at the bottom of that building! If sorry could bring him back..." 'If sorry could have saved him, he'd have sprouted some wings and flown back up to the window, safe and sound.' The dried tears on his face made his cheeks feel stiff, and Axel looked down at Roxas, who's face looked up at his. A ghostly image of Sora flickered across his vision, covering Roxas for just a fleeting second. That nose, those lips, that face...they were Sora's. Everything was Sora's, except...except those eyes. Those damned ocean blue eyes, wide and innocent, reflecting the world around him. They were accusing him, asking him why he'd said those harsh things to Sora after their argument. 'I can't even remember what we were fighting about...'
"Axel?" His throat was dry, and his mind was a little hazy. The red-head seemed a little preoccupied, his long fingers around Roxas' arm loosening. His broken arm didn't hurt, but the jarring sensation of being thrown clear across the room was certainly painful, and his shoulder and back throbbed from the contact with the wall. Something snapped again, and Roxas could see it in Axel's forest green eyes, he'd done something again. "Don't you ever say my name." The grip around his forearm became painfully tight, and Roxas whimpered as the blood circulation started to stop. He knew better than to say anything when Axel got like this. "Don't ever say my name while you still have his blood on your hands!" 'That's right. It's my fault. Hit me as much as you want; I'll try not to make a sound.' Closing his eyes, Roxas tried to swallow the lump in his throat. 'I let him fall out of the window. I should have run to him faster, should have taken the stairs faster. I should have stopped him...should have told him that you weren't that mad, that I would help him sort things out with you.' The sudden coldness of melted snow that spread through his body should've been enough warning to Roxas to hold on to something, but thoughts of Sora had already chilled his flesh with guilt.
"How do you think he felt as he was falling? It was just as cold when he was sitting here, thinking about dying." Roxas felt the hard wood of the window sill pressing into his lower back, and he could feel gravity pulling his head down as he stared at Axel. Slowly, Axel pushed Roxas' smaller body further out the window, wrapping each of his hands around the youngers' throat. Eyes closing and brows furrowing a little, the blonde felt the uncomfortable and frightening sensation of oxygen being cut off. 'If you kill me today, I want to remember everything about you. How you used to smile when Sora was around, that bright, white, infectious smile. Your dimple would show, and your cheeks would flush a little bit as you laughed. Your hair always seemed a little bit more bright, like it was reflecting your personality. Those tear drop tattoos on your face always seemed cool to me, and I thought they brought more attention to your eyes. Those two beautiful green eyes. It was like looking at a glass forest, a blend of emeralds, olives, and that soft green moss that's everywhere. They were always clear and bright, like sun shining through really clean glass. And your lashes; I was always jealous. I always thought you had eyes like a really beautiful girl. You had the nicest eyebrows, too. Did you wax? Pluck? Let me tell you, I would keel over and die if you had those brows naturally. I was jealous of your nose, too. Stupid, huh? But I always thought yours fit just perfectly on your face. It was long, and straight, just a little bit pointy, and it was yours. I loved everything about you. After Sora died...we got together. As friends with benefits. You never showed me that kind of smile, the kinds of looks you and Sora always shared. I wanted that. I wanted what you and Sora had. But I didn't deserve it.
'I didn't deserve what you gave me, either. I let Sora die. He was my brother, and I just watched from the couch as he stuck his head out the window, then pushed his whole body through. I can remember how the wind whistled outside, how it howled, like some kind of animal claiming him as prey. For once, I hated how people were shoveling snow off the sidewalks. Maybe if they'd have let it pile up, it would've kept him from dying. Maybe he would've made it out with a couple of broken ribs and an arm or leg. You would have followed Sora into the after-life if I hadn't stopped you. If I hadn't wanted to lose you too. I know you hated me from then, really hated me, because I kept you from him, but I did it because I loved you. I really, really loved you.'
"I love you, Axel." There was no sound, only the mouthing of words as Roxas weaved in and out of consciousness. His small, cold hands weakly found Axel's wrists and encircled them, reveling in the small warmth that emanated from his skin. That act brought Axel back, and he quickly jerked the both of them back inside, stumbling and falling on the floor. Axel held Roxas to him tightly, one hand on the back of his neck and the other snug around his waist. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to do it, it was my fault, if there's anyone to blame, it's me. It was all my fault, I know! And I'm sorry! I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I blamed you, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." That mantra repeated as Axel rocked back and forth on the floor, Roxas laying in his arms. "It wasn't your fault, it was all mine, I told him that he could just go and die! But I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it when I said I hated him! I was just mad!" Axel was in hysterics now, while Roxas' shallow breaths gradually became deeper and deeper. "I love you too, Roxas. So much..."